Friend's fiance is not right for her. Should I tell her?

LegacyUser

Okay...quick question to see what people would do in my situation. My friend is one of kindest, most wonderful people I know. I love her to pieces but in a few weeks she marrying a man who I know will make her miserable. EVERY story she tells about him is negative and because she has the patience of a saint (and I suspect she thinks she can't do any better because of not realising how great she is), she tolerates him. The guy is a prize a**hole. I won't go into details, I'd literally be here for the next week telling you all the stories, but me and few a other friends I've spoken to about this feel the same. We don't discuss it often, maybe once or twice because it's not fair on our friend but we're all agreed that we don't like him and he's not good enough for our friend.

My friend has never told us one positive story about the guy...not one. She has a fresh batch of stories about his behaviour every single day. YOu wouldn't believe the way this guy carries on. I met him once (because he doesn't like leaving his house as he's too busy playing computer games) and he seemed alright after a few pints but the next day my friend told me he fancied me! He actually told his fiance he fancied her friend! This is one of many, many examples of his sh*tty behaviour

Question is, should I try and talk to my friend and make her see she's making a big mistake?? Is it my business or should I butt out? I don't want to see my friend unhappy but it is her life. What should I do? Am I sticking my nose into something that doesn't concern me? Does it concern me because she's a good friend?

Karen_*

If she can't see this for herself then nothing you say will make any difference. All you can do is continue being her friend and if she asks you your opinion then give it to her. But don't volunteer it.

Taltos

I think I would try to mention it - but would have to be careful in how it was said.

There is a huge risk here you will lose your friend though.

Reason I am leaning that way is due to personal exp - seeing a famly member end up with a prat that no-one liked trusted - gave all the women the severe creeps tbh. Now nearly 20 yrs later they are split - but my sis is a shadow of her former self.
Wish we had said something at the time - but realise that she prob would not have listened - like your friend may not.
I always assumed that since my sis was an intelligent person that she must be seeing something else that none of us could - was way wrong there....

LegacyUser

you've met the guy once - you don't know him. All you have to go on is what she tells you...

One guy I used to work with used to constantly go on and on about how his wife didn't like him drinking and going out etc etc, the more I got to know her I found out that yes she didn't particularly like the fact that he was going out on the piss every Friday and Saturday night til all hours, spending over 100 euro a night and then spending the whole weekend hung over while she looked after their kids, and they were struggling with cash.

My boyfriend would tell me if one of my mates was good looking - maybe that's all he said to her - maybe she asked him.

At the end of the day it's not really your place to say anything.

LegacyUser

I did it to a friend of mine who was going out with a girl who no-one liked... she was a tool.

He didn't realise that everyone hated her. Apart from not getting on with her, she treated my friend badly.

He was severely hurting as the relationship was going badly and nothing he was doing was right... he couldn't seem to understand that you are allowed to split up.... and also that they weren't suited. I also told him that none of our friends liked her and his family didn't either - he was blind to it all.

I felt I had to say something, as a (good and old) friend.... I didn't regret doing so. They split a few weeks later. He is so relieved at having done so.

Did the same with my brother. He got engaged to a girl that none of our family liked. I had a word to him. They're married now and she has improved but he's still a door mat. That;s his issue though, not hers.

Why is she seeing him if she is treated so badly by him?

hobochris

Op another thing to consider before you make any decision on this is that you don't have the full picture..

It sounds to me like she is venting the bad stuff through you(many women do this)... There is obviously a reason why she's with him, He must make her happy for her to put up with the bad stuff.

A test of any relationship is if you stick together despite the bad stuff..

LegacyUser

It's true, I have only met the guy once (first impressions weren't great 'till he had 3 or so pints in him) but I've never met Hitler, Stalin or Maura HIndely either! Sorry, that was a joke but you get the idea. You don't necessarily need to know the person or be a fly on the wall of their home to know what they're about BUT in fairness, I'm only hearing one side of the story. I acknowledge that.

The fact that he commented on me is fine, fair enough, perfectly human and I've done it myself...but he told my friend/his fiance he fancied me and if he was single, he'd try it on...this is what my friend told me anyway and perhaps it was a joke (she didn't laugh). I was mortified. Believe me when I tell you that this only the tip of the iceberg and this story pales in comparison to other stories she's told us. I've literally sat there mouth open as she relayed these stories as if they're perfectly normal. I've only ever said, "Would you tell him to get a grip" for the milder stories and said nothing for the ones that really took the biscuit (to say the least).

To the poster who asked me why she's marrying him..I've no idea. I presume she loves him. Perhaps his good sides outweigh the bad but from what she's telling me, I'm not getting a good impression. For all I know she could be hiding something more sinister. Maybe she's telling me these things as a cry for help of sorts...maybe she subconciously WANTS someone to tell her that perhaps he's not the one.

I don't know. It's all speculation but one things for certain...

...I've never seen someone dreading their wedding day so much as my friend.

Overheal

Perhaps you should spend more tiem getting to know him, both for the sake of getting your own first hand impression, and the other - well, if She's going to see him drool all over another woman, it might as well be before your best friend commits a huge mistake :rolleyes:

panda100

I think I would definatly hint subtely that he doesnt seem to treat her very well.
I dont think its a good idea to say straightout that you dont think he's right for her. That may alienate her and push her further into his arms.

Im in a similar situation with my friend at the moment, though I do know her fiancee fairly well at this stage. I told her one night that I didnt think they were suited and what is the point of being this miserable with someone, but I was really at the end of my tether with hearing stories about the ****ty way he was treating her. I wouldnt reccomend this as it has just made things very akward between me and my friend. She told him everything I had said about him! I should have done what all my other friends are doing and just kept my mouth shut when it comes to his crappy behaviour.

I think also you should try and get to know him a bit more to see the full picture as he must have some reedeming qualities.

Wibbs

There's also the possibility that she likes the way he treats her, or how he treats her is what she wants and you may be projecting what you would want in her shoes.

IIMII

I wonder has your friend realised that she is creating a bad impression of her boyfriend amongst her friends? Maybe she should press the think button before she opens her mouth...

King of Kings

we tend never to hear the great side of our friends relationship - they usually ring us for a bitch about their relationship rather than to brag about how their partner massaged them and give them hours of glorious oral sex the previous night.
You get the picture?
He actually might be quite decent to her - you only hear the crap.
Add that to the fact you met him once.

As for telling his gf he fancied you - I do that to my missus all the time. she sees it quite for what it is. a joke.

LegacyUser

IIMII wrote: »

I wonder has your friend realised that she is creating a bad impression of her boyfriend amongst her friends? Maybe she should press the think button before she opens her mouth...

Right, I'm taking teh advice of the general consensus here and I'm going to say nothing except for what I've been doing 'till now and telling her to show him whose boss now and then and standing up to him (I'm all for BOTH of them wearing a leg of the pants of equality, by the way.). I've arranged to call round her house during the week and hopefully I'll get to meet her fiance properly. If he does turn out to be a nice bloke, then I'm going to tell my friend that maybe she shouldn't b***h about him so much because she's giving off an absolutely AWFUL impression of him (by the way, went to her hen party a few weeks ago and some of the girls expressed their dislike for him as well...but never actually met him. They said this to me voluntarily, I didn't ask them.). It's very hard to be happy for her after all she's told me.

I can't imagine that he'll treat her like muck in front of me but I'll go with my gut feeling on this one...that's all I can go on, I suppose. Realistically, I don't think anything I say will make a blind bit of difference at this stage so I just hope for her sake that things aren't as bad she makes out. I'll be there for her if things go pear-shaped...that's all I can do.

Yeah, I think the comment about him fancying me and "if I was single" MUST have been a joke, I laughed initally when she told me but when I saw she wasn't laughing, I went puce with embarrassment...I cringed for her. I just hope SHE saw it as a joke, that's the most important thing...but she didn't seem to...

LegacyUser

Have you consider op that you don't know this guy at all really, you just know what your friend is telling you? Some girls just love to moan about crap non-stop and give out about their other half to their friends/family. I used to go out with a girl who was highly strung, who I treated very well but whenever I went to visit her parents place I got the cold shoulder off them as she was forever ringing up her mother complaining about every little petty insignificant thing as if it was the end of world rather than telling her how I was covering her rent for her for months on end because she was broke and how I was going out of my way every day to give her lifts to and from work, etc.....The parents must've thought I was an absolute prick, which couldn't have been further from the truth.

This same girl was always moaning non-stop to me about her workmates, friends, etc....everything was a big deal. I thought at the time that her workmates were right twats from the stuff she used to tell me but from meeting them I realized they were actually sound and I had been given completely the wrong impression by my very negative ex gf. Alot of it was down to attention seeking too, which also sounds a bit like your friend who is telling you every little detail of her relationship with this guy.

SarahMc

Butt out?? wrote: »

by the way, went to her hen party a few weeks ago and some of the girls expressed their dislike for him as well...but never actually met him

How close friends can you be if you have only met her fiance once? Its wierd that she had people at her Hen that had NEVER met him. Certainly the women that had never met him had no right to comment about their dislike of him. She sounds very disloyal/dramatic to be telling anyone who will listen about what a tool he is...

You have no-where near the full picture here. Go with your username.

LegacyUser

OP if your friend is such a saint why is she telling you all these things? She might be making it up or trying to act as a martyr

SarahSassy

Next time she complains about him I would say to her that she consistently seems unhappy with him and is she sure that marrying him is the best move. It will either shut her up or make her think. Would suggest and element of it is attention seeking.

Das Kitty

A good friend of mine moved to the US five years ago. She met a guy and for the first month or so it was all how great and fun he was. After that all I got was details of how he's being a git.

She married him before I met him and I was really dreading meeting him from her descriptions.

Turns out he's a lovely bloke, quiet, but I could actually see what she saw in him. Turns out I got all the bad stuff because she didn't need to talk to anyone about the good stuff.

You don't really know a person until you get to know them, regardless of the stories you hear.

How close friends are you if you've only met her finace once?

LegacyUser

In defence of my friend, she's not the type of person to "act the martyr" and make up stuff, believe me. When I say how great she is, I'm not exaggerating...I wouldn't say it about all my friends but this one in particular is loved by EVERYONE and really is a saint. Now this is just pop psychology from me here but she had a very, very traumatic up bringing and I think it completely knocked her confidence, particularly when it comes to men and perhaps she thinks how she is being treated is the norm.

I know her well enough now to know she's not the lying type so whatever she says, I take at face value BUT like other people pointed out, it's only one side. Girls tend to get in a habit of moaning about their OHs. When she tells us this stuff, I think she might be trying to normalise it, she slips it in to conversation like it's no big deal and usually we're left gobsmacked (I'd give you examples but I want to remain anonymous) I would believe everything she says...believe me when I say she's absolutely NOT the attention seeking type.

Anyway, going around there tomorrow night and I'm going to see what the craic is with this guy.

Oh, by the way, the fact that some of her friends have never met him is through no fault of their own. He NEVER EVER comes out with us. If my friend sends him a text asking him to join us for a pint or two, he says he's playing computer games. This is every single time and I know I might come across as a busy-body (it really is genuine concern) but I'm friendly and so are my friend's friends (male and female)....there's no reason to avoid us, particularly if he's no friends of his own. She can never stay out late with us anyway because she has a curfew imposed by him (she usually heads home about 9.30pm looking very panic stricken) and he accusses her of meeting up with some mystery man if she's late.

Anyway, we'll see what the craic is tomorrow.

SarahSassy

Are you by any chance a little bit jealous of the fact she is getting hitched?

LegacyUser

Das Kitty wrote: »

A good friend of mine moved to the US five years ago. She met a guy and for the first month or so it was all how great and fun he was. After that all I got was details of how he's being a git.

She married him before I met him and I was really dreading meeting him from her descriptions.

Turns out he's a lovely bloke, quiet, but I could actually see what she saw in him. Turns out I got all the bad stuff because she didn't need to talk to anyone about the good stuff.

You don't really know a person until you get to know them, regardless of the stories you hear.

How close friends are you if you've only met her finace once?

I see your point and I know I could be wrong about him but your story doesn't necessarily mean the same applies to my situation. D-heads do exist.There's being a "git" and there's being a controlling, verbally abusive, unhelpful, grumpy recluse...or so I'm lead to believe.

We're very close actually hence why I'm posting up here. The fact that I've met him once and a lot of her other friends have never met him is no reflection on our friendship. We were friends a long time before she met him. As I said, it's not for want of trying...we can't call round to their house because he doesn't like to "be disturbed" and he won't come out with us because he's playing his computer games. Some of her friends are starting to wonder if he even exists.

There could be another side of the story we're not getting here but it makes it very difficult for us when we can't actually meet him face-to-face regularly.

Fresh batch of stories again last night...

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

Are you by any chance a little bit jealous of the fact she is getting hitched?

Are you serious??

SarahSassy

Unregistered wrote: »

Are you serious??

You sound like you are looking to fund faults with him?

She is the muppet for staying with him if he treats her badly or she is unhappy.... Maybe he is not sociable which is his right but she is wrong to be proceeding with the relationship and bad-mouthng him every chance she gets.

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

Are you by any chance a little bit jealous of the fact she is getting hitched?

If you are serious, then it's a good question, I'd be wondering the same but the answer is no. Alot of my friends are getting married now and I'm happy for them. I'm in a long-term relationship...discussed marriage with boyfriend but it's not for me just yet...maybe in a few years. Couldn't afford to now even if I wanted to and who knows, maybe he's not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to be sure and see how things pan out. I'm pretty "meh" when it comes to the whole marriage thing anyway. The commitment terrifies the life outta me!

I feel nothing but worry for my friend...she's marrying this guy in a few weeks and she doesn't seem thrilled. It seems like a burden that she has to go through and all I keep thinking is how much I'd love to ask her is she definitely sure that this is the guy you want to grow old with. This isn't Hollywood and I'm not going to storm in on her wedding day shouting at her that she can't through with this but I'm unsure where the boundaries of friendship lie on this one. There's nobody I would like more to see happy, she deserves it more than most after all she's been through...but she doesn't seem happy. Would you not be concerned?

Either way, I'll be there for her if things go pear-shaped.

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

You sound like you are looking to fund faults with him?

She is the muppet for staying with him if he treats her badly or she is unhappy.... Maybe he is not sociable which is his right but she is wrong to be proceeding with the relationship and bad-mouthng him every chance she gets.

Finding faults with him? It's not very difficult in fairness.

Absolutely...but should he not make an effort for HER sake? Why are you presuming she's in the wrong here?

Das Kitty

butt out?? wrote: »

but should he not make an effort for HER sake?

That's between them though.

I really think you should let it lie to be honest.

SarahSassy

Well I think its a bit late now if the wedding is weeks away... She appears not to be happy but she is a consenting adult. I would ask her if she is happy and see how it goes from there but there is very little you can do. There is no point sussing the guy out - it will tell you nothing about their relationship on a day to day basis.

RealistSpy

Ok the fact remains, she is telling you all the bad things about him. Most women do that maybe you don't. These days women don't go around saying how perfect their partner is but how annoying, lazy and game headed he is.

The best thing you can do is "butt out", if she complains so much and still with him then her problem. The other fact his you don't know him!

LegacyUser

Das Kitty wrote: »

That's between them though.

I really think you should let it lie to be honest.

Yeah, I will.

One more thing though....if the friend in question came on here and told you everything about her fiance that she's told me..about the curfew, about the jealously, about the lack of contact with friends, the names he calls her, the extrem long-term sulking, the minipulating, the general ****e she ALLEGEDLY has to put up with, what advice would you give her?

The responses on here have usually been to dump the OH. I've yet to hear someone say that the poster is a muppet for going out with or marrying their OH or accuse her of lying or acting the martyr or is in the wrong for complaining about their OH.


But you're right, their relationship is none of my business so I'll butt out.

Das Kitty

Butt out? wrote: »

One more thing though....if the friend in question came on here and told you everything about her fiance that she's told me..about the curfew, about the jealously, about the lack of contact with friends, the names he calls her, the extrem long-term sulking, the minipulating, the general ****e she ALLEGEDLY has to put up with, what advice would you give her?

The point is she didn't ask for our advice, or yours.

SarahSassy

Butt out? wrote: »

Yeah, I will.

One more thing though....if the friend in question came on here and told you everything about her fiance that she's told me..about the curfew, about the jealously, about the lack of contact with friends, the names he calls her, the extrem long-term sulking, the minipulating, the general ****e she ALLEGEDLY has to put up with, what advice would you give her?

The responses on here have usually been to dump the OH. I've yet to hear someone say that the poster is a muppet for going out with or marrying their OH or accuse her of lying or acting the martyr or is in the wrong for complaining about their OH.


But you're right, their relationship is none of my business so I'll butt out.

Her relationship sounds horrible but she has chosen it... She has not asked for your advice and you are leaving it til weeks before the wedding to confront her...

LegacyUser

Das Kitty wrote: »

The point is she didn't ask for our advice, or yours.

True.

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

Her relationship sounds horrible but she has chosen it... She has not asked for your advice and you are leaving it til weeks before the wedding to confront her...

I'm not confronting her and haven't confronted her yet...I came on here (after getting back a month ago from travelling for 6 months) to ask if I should and I've made up my mind that I won't thanks to the advice on here. I needed to know where the boundaries of friendship lie on this one because this is a first for me. I'm not sure if every person in a crappy relationship or in a crappy situation full-stop always asks for advice because they might not be aware of how crappy their situation is and sometimes intervention is called for but maybe it's not right in this case...anyway, mind made up, I'm butting out. Hope I'm doing the right thing... :O /

RealistSpy

Butt out?? wrote: »

I'm not confronting her and haven't confronted her yet...I came on here (after getting back a month ago from travelling for 6 months) to ask if I should and I've made up my mind that I won't thanks to the advice on here. I needed to know where the boundaries of friendship lie on this one because this is a first for me. I'm not sure if every person in a crappy relationship or in a crappy situation full-stop always asks for advice because they might not be aware of how crappy their situation is and sometimes intervention is called for but maybe it's not right in this case...anyway, mind made up, I'm butting out. Hope I'm doing the right thing... :O /

Yeh you doing the right thing "butting out", if you tell her you could loss your friend. You never know she could be really happy deep inside if not am sure she has a good reason staying with him. I am one of those guys that plays games 24/7 and lazy around bla bla.

LegacyUser

OP if your friend has so many bad stories why is she marrying him? If he fancies you(in a serious way) why havent you met him again? He sits in all the time playing video games? If this is true maybe hes depressed?


another guess: You say your friend is a saint and would do anything? without complaint? I had a friend like this who used to go out with an abusive guy. I t reckon if he wasnt abusive she wouldnt have been interested. maybe your friend is the same.

Whos idea is the marriage?