Marriage crisis - very bad

LegacyUser

I am four years married. I am the wife, we have no children. We have lost a huge connection as a result of a very poor sex life. Apart from the sexual act itself (we have had one very awkward 'tumble' in the past 8 months) there is no kissing at all and no sexual connection at all. This started in the run up to our wedding day. I had to suggest sex on our honeymoon and things have steadily gotten worse ever since. I have tried talking to him, writing letters and I have gone to counselling on my own.

There is love, but I feel completely undesirable and unattractive as a wife and as a woman. I have turned to food for comfort and withdrawn from a lot of things in my life. I have become sad and fat, resentful and desperate, I am so confused. I am starting to feel paranoid that my ever increasing fatness is betraying my secret now to the world. I LOOK like a woman who has no sexuality. My self esteem is completely shattered.
My husband has a very low sex drive and does NOT want to talk about it. He maintains that's just the way he is. I am so so ANGRY that he is not willing to fix things, I can't help but take it as a personal insult that I'm not desirable enough to instigate a change. He's like a child embarrassed and tight as a clam about the subject. Everynight when he settles into his pillow and says goodnight I feel like I am being stabbed in the heart. At this point, we may not ever have a sexual connection again, even if he made a move on me, as I just cannot bring myself to trust that it me he wants and not just fulfilling some 'chore' or 'duty'. I have lost my own desires to the impact this has taken on me.

I am beside myself and told him today I am moving out of our bedroom. I am desperate for his physical attention but he cannot hear me or get his head out of the sand. Talking about sex now, even THINKING about sex now makes me feel dirty. I have now developed my own issues around what is suppose to be a joyous & natural experience and part of a persons make up. It not not something to feel ashamed about which is what I now feel.

I don't know what to do. I have let this continue and fester for so long. I couldn't put my foot down hard enough in the early days, and when after each time, my concerns would go un-heard or hit a wall, I would just go back to suppressing my frustrations. As a result I have become a fat, horrible embarrassment who I feel is readable at a glance that everything is not as it should be.

I feel like I've contributed greatly to my own condition my not having enough balls to make hard decisions. I am afraid of having to make a decision I really don't want to. All sexual activity for me now happens in my head, and I watch pornography online, which adds to me feelings of 'dirty-ness'.

The reason I'm moving out of the bedroom is to get his attention. His response was that it's only make things worse. Well they can't get any worse for me, I want it to get worse for him because I want to know if he's willing to loose me or if he's willing to wake the f**k up!! I need to wake the f**k up! I will not suggest counselling unless he makes some sort of move towards reconciliation. I want HIM to want counselling. Somehow, I think am leaving the decision in his court, for him to make it for me because I just can't.

He's not a P**ck at all, I love him, but I hate him for not wanting me. And I hate myself for not having the strength to deal with this so far. It has stripped me of who I was. I don't know who I am anymore.

LegacyUser

Couldn't read that and not reply. I could have written your post word for word a while ago. The only thing I can say to you is that if he will not deal with it then you have to consider your future. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? Shock tactics like moving out of the bedroom don't appear to work. Can you head away to family/friends for a week or two and clear your head on your own and decide what it is you want i.e. stay in a marriage that at the moment only one of you is trying to save, OR move on and start again.
I really feel for you but you cannot continue like this so if he won't make decisions and participate then I'm afraid you may have to.

LegacyUser

OP, I've been there. I've been you.

Get out now.

He is not going to change because he doesn't want to. Things suit him this way while you are in purgatory.

This is going on 4 years, if he wanted to change things he would have by now.

I feel like I've contributed greatly to my own condition my not having enough balls to make hard decisions.

Get the balls from somewhere, you cant continue wasting your life in this sex-less hell.

I went through it all, the denial, the excuses, the refusal to talk about it. Feeling like a revolting ugly untouchable outsider. Its horrible and I would never go back to that.

You say you love him but he doesn't want a proper adult relationship. You cant make him want that. You are like brother and sister now.

He is the one with the problem not you. Go, leave him get the hell out of there.

I left my ex and I am so happy now with someone who loves me to pieces and we have sex every day, that loser ex of mine is nothing but a bad memory.

Dont put up with this for a minute longer. Things can only get better, you cant fix this relationship on your own and he doesn't want to, so you have to go.

Its his own tough sh1t, dont let him stop you.

nmesisca

Unregistered wrote: »

OP, I've been there. I've been you.

Get out now.

He is not going to change because he doesn't want to. Things suit him this way while you are in purgatory.

This is going on 4 years, if he wanted to change things he would have by now.



Get the balls from somewhere, you cant continue wasting your life in this sex-less hell.

I went through it all, the denial, the excuses, the refusal to talk about it. Feeling like a revolting ugly untouchable outsider. Its horrible and I would never go back to that.

You say you love him but he doesn't want a proper adult relationship. You cant make him want that. You are like brother and sister now.

He is the one with the problem not you. Go, leave him get the hell out of there.

I left my ex and I am so happy now with someone who loves me to pieces and we have sex every day, that loser ex of mine is nothing but a bad memory.

Dont put up with this for a minute longer. Things can only get better, you cant fix this relationship on your own and he doesn't want to, so you have to go.

Its his own tough sh1t, dont let him stop you.

"Things suit him this way while you are in purgatory." ... yeah sure I bet he hates sex, and his life is honky dory.
get real. the OP's OH has obviously some issue he doesnt want toor cant discuss.

Silverfish

nmesisca wrote: »

"Things suit him this way while you are in purgatory." ... yeah sure I bet he hates sex, and his life is honky dory.
get real. the OP's OH has obviously some issue he doesnt want toor cant discuss.

That's fine but the OP's husband didn't start the thread looking for advice, the OP did.

Please keep replies on-topic and helpful, and not just attacks on advice from other posters.


Thanks.

LegacyUser

nmesisca wrote: »

"Things suit him this way while you are in purgatory." ... yeah sure I bet he hates sex, and his life is honky dory.

My husband has a very low sex drive and does NOT want to talk about it.

So yeh, he is not interested in sex or talking about it either.

nmesisca wrote: »

"get real. the OP's OH has obviously some issue he doesnt want toor cant discuss.

I am firmly rooted in reality, and have a deep appreciation of OP's problem having gone through it for years and come out the other side.

IF he has an 'issue' then he has to discuss it with his wife, 'doesn't want to' is not good enough. 'Cant' doesn't come into it.

He refuses to even aknowledge anything wrong so she is left with no choice other than to give up.

That is the unfortunate reality.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

OP, I've been there. I've been you.

Get out now.

Get the balls from somewhere, you cant continue wasting your life in this sex-less hell.

I left my ex and I am so happy now with someone who loves me to pieces and we have sex every day, that loser ex of mine is nothing but a bad memory.

Dont put up with this for a minute longer.

I can't even imagine ending my marriage, moving on.

I can't ever see myself meeting someone else AND having a fulfilling sex life. I have done a lot of damage, My situation has done a lot of damage to my sexual self. I do not feel I can be comfortably sexual without guilt now.

I don't have the balls to 'get out' I really don't.

Xiney

OP, you need to find courage.

Counselling, I think, should be your first port of call. Even your unregistered username betrays a heartbreaking lack of self esteem and a cry for help. Your GP will be able to refer you.

Take care of yourself. Moving out of the bedroom is actually a very positive step as it means you are making a change. But seek professional help.

LegacyUser

Fatwoman wrote: »

I can't even imagine ending my marriage, moving on.

I can identify, even though I was so miserable back then, the fear of ending my relationship was huge. At the time I remember him delaying me with every tactic in the book and by then my self esteem was so low I never even imagined or contemplated meeting anyone new.

I thought I was a repulsive freak. Also myself and the ex had built our lives so much together and also there was an unhealthy co-dependancy. My ex had ED problems he probably could have fixed but refused to go to a doctor and refused to discuss it.

I think my ex's fear was that I would leave, so he sort of encouraged by self esteem to be low so that I would be slower to leave. But I did get away in the end. I did have a lot of guilt and he used to act all helpless to make me pity him.

But in the end, you cant live the rest of your life like this. Its not worth it.

nmesisca wrote: »

"I can't ever see myself meeting someone else AND having a fulfilling sex life. I have done a lot of damage, My situation has done a lot of damage to my sexual self. I do not feel I can be comfortably sexual without guilt now.

I know you cant see that now, but it does happen. It happened to me and its great and such a relief to feel normal and loved again. You would be suprised how adaptable human beings are and how reversable that damage is.

nmesisca wrote: »

"I don't have the balls to 'get out' I really don't.

Do you have the balls to stay in this empty, soul destroying situation for ever. For ever is a long time. Where you are right now is a lot more scary than the alternative!

You are better than this.

LegacyUser

OP, you could have been writing MY story, you really could. We didn't marry however but we have a child together.

My ex often slept in the other room giving me no reason at all. He didn't even have the courtesy to pretend there was a reason.

Like you, I put on weight and had very little self-esteem. I lived in tracksuits. Anything to hide my body. ( I was a size 16 which wasn't that big looking back, but I felt about 50 stone).

The straw that broke the camels back for me was the day of another conversation, which I initiated (of course) and asked him 'WHY are you doing this to me - why are you rejecting me night after night?'

His reply was (and I quote) 'Coz I get off seeing you like this'.

You are giving your husband power. He sees you in the state you are currently in. I'm not sure that he has an ED but I don't think that's the point. He is getting power from seeing you like this. The worse you feel, the better he feels.

I eventually left and it was hard. Very hard. I had a baby too so it was harder for me to leave. But I did. And I got my power back. And I lost the weight. And I'm back to the emotionally sane state I was in before I met him!
Leave OP. Pack your bags and go. He won't change. You have to leave for your sanity.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies and support.

I admire the strength others have shown in making hard decisions.

I feel sick right now.

It doesn't look very positive from where I stand at the moment. As someone posted, the reality is that this is not working and may never change. Have I given it my best shot though? It's hard to be your best and do your best in the face of such resistance from the one who is suppose to be your world and you his.

Yes I have been dieting since I started gaining the weight, but I have yoyo'd constantly, taking one step forward and 2 steps back. I have lost weight but bounced back up the past 4 years since my wedding day.

I know my weight in particular is my internal self's way of screaming at me to deal with my problems.

LegacyUser

fatwoman wrote: »

It doesn't look very positive from where I stand at the moment. As someone posted, the reality is that this is not working and may never change.

I know, he may never change. My ex didn't, he refused to discuss it or even aknowledge it for years. But yet when I would try to leave he would promise the Earth, Moon and stars to me to stop me leaving. But no, he never changed.

fatwoman wrote: »

Have I given it my best shot though? It's hard to be your best and do your best in the face of such resistance from the one who is suppose to be your world and you his.

Well I would say you have done everything, even been to counselling alone, but everyone has their own breaking point. Its not supposed to be this hard.

The resistance speaks volumes OP. The fact that he can just ignore your pain too. Not good.

fatwoman wrote: »

Yes I have been dieting since I started gaining the weight, but I have yoyo'd constantly, taking one step forward and 2 steps back. I have lost weight but bounced back up the past 4 years since my wedding day.

I know my weight in particular is my internal self's way of screaming at me to deal with my problems.

Could be. Could also be food is a way to feel good. When no-one touches you lovingly for a long time you become starved of sensory pleasure, so naturally you look for joy and pleasure elsewhere, like food.

Its a very mixed up subject too....food. We can use it to punish as well as reward ourselves.

I lost 2 stone when I left my sexless relationship and I got a lot of attention from men which was great but confusing! I had to get used to it!

Dont beat yourself up too much about your weight though, you are going through enough as it is.

togster

fatwoman wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies and support.

I admire the strength others have shown in making hard decisions.

I feel sick right now.

It doesn't look very positive from where I stand at the moment. As someone posted, the reality is that this is not working and may never change. Have I given it my best shot though? It's hard to be your best and do your best in the face of such resistance from the one who is suppose to be your world and you his.

Yes I have been dieting since I started gaining the weight, but I have yoyo'd constantly, taking one step forward and 2 steps back. I have lost weight but bounced back up the past 4 years since my wedding day.

I know my weight in particular is my internal self's way of screaming at me to deal with my problems.

OP you strike me as a very intelligent woman.

It's as simple as you want it to be tbh. You can stay and fight for it or leave. Your "internal self" knows what's best for you. You deserve to be happy. You deserve someone who can express himself. You deserve anything you desire.

You need to challenge yourself, to break free of the fear that is controlling you. Everytime the emotion arises, realise it is not real, that you can do anything you want. Just do it!

LegacyUser

my sis was in the same situation and spoke to him day in day out without getting anywhere and after a few yrs she stopped looking after herself, stopped pleading, begging and crying about being unloved, and he stopped promising to try to change or fix it.
she loved him and couldn`t leave him or their home.
This went on for 16 yrs til she accidently met her soulmate, had an affair and decided to go all out and leave her husband, we have never seen such a change in her since...
She lost the weight and got back her self respect so much so its taken years off her!
Meanwhile her husband - I don`t think he even noticed that she was gone except he has to cook and clean for himself now..
life is too short for wasting it on someone who can`t/won`t love you

Lollipops23

OP it sounds like he has something going on underneath the surface that he's unwilling to discuss or admit. small comfort to you,i'm sure. say what you like, his reaction to sex/intimacy is not normal. libidos come in all shapes and sizes which is fine, but a complete lack of drive for such an extended period suggests something more serious. Perhaps depression?

what was his drive like before you married?has he always had such a low libido?Even if there is a plausible reason for all of this, it's not fair of him to expect you to just "live with it". It's glaringly obvious that you are drowning trying to cope with it all, and i'm sorry to say that i could never do that to someone I really loved.

As another poster said, you know yourself what you're going to do. Be brave, you have no reason to feel bad.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Well let me be yet another to say I could have written your post word for word. It's amazing reading these replies how many people have been in this position, at the time I felt like the only one in the world. I felt like a freak.

The part that really got me was when you said "Everynight when he settles into his pillow and says goodnight I feel like I am being stabbed in the heart". This is one of the main memories I have of that awful time, I used to cry myself to sleep, when he would occasionally get in my bed although most of the time he slept in another room.

Looking back I cant really be sure where it started but I think it was down to him doing a lot of recreational drugs. And we were under a lot of financial pressure. His libido just dissappeared.

I wont go on too much but to say we went on like this for about 4 years. At one stage we didnt have sex for 2 years. I felt totally worthless & turned to food & put on about 3 stone. Its a viciuos circle because I isolated myself so much because I really repulsed myself.

I cant really say when or why something inside me flipped but one day I just couldnt take being in my own skin anymore. I started a serious regime of practically starving myself (not recomending this by the way) & walking the legs off myself every day! I used the time walking to think about what I wanted. I wanted a new life, I wanted out BUT I loved him & was afraid to leave.

The weight started to fall off me & I started getting a lot of male attention & started to go out a lot more with friends. I cant tell you but it did wonders for me to know I was attractive to others.

Well you can guess what happened next, I had an affair. Im not proud of it but if Im honest it was something I really needed for my own confidence.

Anyway eventually the affair came out & my other half finally had to face up to us. It was a really horrible time but it woke him up. I ddnt want to stay but he wanted me to give it one more try. I felt I owed it to him to do this . I never thought for a second it would work BUT it did.

It was a very long difficult road but I can honestly say things are better than they ever were & we went on to get married.

Looking back if I could have changed anything I would have left years ago. We wasted a lot of good years being miserable. If it was meant to be it would have found a way.

My honest advice to you is dont waste another minute in this situation, do something, if its just getting out for a while stay with famly/friends. Work on you. Then if you feel you still want to look at the relationship.

But you need to look after you first. I wish you all the best.

Blue196

Hi OP
I wouldn't worry about the weight too much for now, the emotional weight in your head is more important for now. If you can deal with that then the body weight will sort itself out. Feeling bad about your weight is a vicious circle, self esteem drops even further and emotional eating increases.
I'd consider what is happening to you be be emotional abuse, his refusal to discuss the situation, the lack of sex.

From experience I would say that you can't change him, the only person that can do that is himself. He needs to accept there is a problem and seek help for it.

There are so many things that could be at the root of the problem, childhood abuse, struggling with gay tendencies are just two possibilities. But only he knows that.

If you see no sign of movement from him or desire to change then really you need to decide how much longer you can put up with the situation.
If nothing is done then in 10 years time how will you be?

I know more than most how hard it is to do something, I've put up with a similar situation for a very long time, I say I do it because of my kids but I think the truth is that the life has been drained out of me. I don't see the point in bothering because I find it impossible to put myself first in any situation.

I'd suggest finding a good counsellor, maybe asking your gp for a recommendation. Talking it through might help you to see things in a new light. But do it for yourself not for him.

Good luck with whatever you decide. But do make a decision one way or the other, don't drift.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP,

Well let me be yet another to say I could have written your post word for word. It's amazing reading these replies how many people have been in this position, at the time I felt like the only one in the world. I felt like a freak.

OP here again...
Thank you, all. I too am surprised and relieved that my situation is not as 'unique' as I have led myself to believe. I know some women would rather eat their own eyeballs than to admit this particular issue as a problem in their relationship. I guess it's because we're suppose to be the ones on the recieving end of a frustrated mate? Women talk about so many things but this in particular is fiercely private and guarded. It's almost like admitting some sort of failure on our part.

In the beginning I told close friends and my mother and my sister about this, I had to bounce it off them each to see was this normal or was it something to be worried about. The opinions were unanimous, it was something to be worried about, not normal. After a while I stopped talking about it and never brought it up again. So at this point in time they are unaware that the problem 1)still exsists & 2) has gotten worse.

Knowing my mother, I would say she wouldn't be a bit surprised if I were to 'come out' about it, I have a great relationship with my mam and can talk to her about anything. But I'm a grown woman, I don't want her to be concerned for me and I don't want her worried on my part, I don't want to dump on her. Although I am Irish, I am the only one of my immediate family living in Ireland, the rest are 3000 miles away. It's not so easy hashing things out long distance, and it's more worrysome for them being so far away. Psychologically to them, it leaves me seeming very alone. I also want to learn to trust my own self here and be the one who gets either through or out of this situation on my own influence. I want the decisions to be mine and for my friends & family to provide support once that decision is made, instead of dragging everyone through mill with me.

You don't want even your nearest & dearest knowing that your marital troubles revolve around sex! What is it? Is it because it's the greatest shame? that you do not turn your partner on?

Last Nov I (drunkenly) admitted to a group of close friends what was going on. 2 friends were very supportive and understanding. They just listened and I didn't regret opening up the next morning when I had sobered. The 3rd friend's ears pricked up like a dog and quizzed and quizzed me to the tone of "I KNEW IT!" I was mortified that she now knew. Myself and the other 2 girls all reckon she was secretly delighted to hear my 'perfect' life wasn't all it was cracked up to be. After all, she seethed all the way through my wedding day, making a grand & late entrance at the church and a dramatic and early exit from the reception. I had an idea all along that this girl was just waiting for a sign of weakness in me. Well, her being privy to my difficulties exposed exactly that, and I felt so vunerable as a result. It was the beginning of the end for our 'friendship', I couldn't trust her after that and a subsequent situation between us finally put the nail in the coffin that housed our relationship! It's amazing when you are in a vunerable situation how pared down your true circle becomes. How many friends can you truly trust?

Totally off point I know, I'm ranting, I'm sorry.

Anyway, I moved out of the bedroom and wrote a long, honest and final letter to lay all my cards on the table for the last time. I think he knows it too that we're in last chance saloon.

I really feel a bit of a lifted weight today because 1) The replies I've gotten here have opened my eyes to the fact that it's not 'just me' and that this does happen and not the end of the world & 2) because I have shared the burden with my husband. I am not the only one carrying the problem. Now it's his problem too. I have opened the door to my own freedom by saying to him it's time to sh1t or get off the pot, because I have a life to get on with, with or without him. He now has a decision to make, not just me.

I have no idea what the response will be but I feel more hopeful and courageous than I did yesterday..It's liberating...

So thank you all who posted and shared your stories and your opinions, you all have truly helped me focus my perspective. x x