What to say?

LegacyUser

Any advice on what to say when other kids ask if my child has a father and where is he?

The first couple of times I said "none of your business." Then the third time the lies started falling out of my mouth. I said sternly and acted horrified at the question to make this other kid feel ashamed of himself for asking. " Of course he has a father!! He's at work.

My child is too young to express whether he understands this or not, I have no reason to assume he doesn't or he does, and yes they ask in front of him.

VaioCruiser

I don't have personal experience of this specifically, and you don't say how old your child is, and why is it that his friends know enough to ask but your lad doesn't ? You can't avoid discussing it with your boy if his friends are going to keep asking him. All they need is a plausible explanation and they will completely forget about the issue.

I would say that you need to coordinate what you say with your child so that he is not faced with a completely nasty and contradicting situation when he is with his friends. Otherwise the seeds are sewn for a major bullying possibility.
Also you don't say where your child's father actually is. If you are simply separated or have parted ways then I would advise that you simply agree with your boy that you will both say to his friends that his father lives somewhere else. But you need to discuss this with your child first.

beth-lou

Why are you reacting in a stern manner? Kids are curious by nature and that question is a very natural one for them to ask.

Why not be honest about it? Why not just say that families come in all shapes and sizes and some kids don't have a father or mother intheir life but they are still a family all the same. You will only damage your son more by lying or by becoming defensive about it. Teach him to be proud of your little family. Tell the kids that it's just you and him, that sometimes that's the way it is. If they start getting mean after that, then I can understand you getting angry, but if they are just asking out of curiosity, then tell them the truth. If you lie, your son has to lie to back you up and that will be so much harder for him to deal with. There is nothing wrong with a single parent family, teach your son that and tell his friends that. They're only kids and you are the adult. It's our job as adults to teach the kids. Best way to do that is to tell them the truth.

Best of luck.

rosepetal

I think beth lou said it perfectly!!

LegacyUser

beth lou-

One of the kids [three] comes from single family himself but his father sees him regularly so I dont think he needs me to tell him about how families come in all shapes and sizes or that there is nothing wrong with them. Also there is a stark difference between a single family where there is a father who is involved and one who is not.

Yes, kids are curious and honesty is the best policy but also there is a line that needs to be drawn between this and your family's privacy. Th truth is no he doesnt have a father and I haven't got a clue where he is. So, I suppose that is what I would have to say.

beth-lou

Well then that's what you say.
He doesn't have a Dad. They are just kids. How old are they?
Try not to take itpersonally. But I do think that you should be as honest as you can. If you start to lie, then it will be harder.

My folks broke up when I was a teenager. At the time my Mam asked me not to talk about it to my friends, as she didn't want the neighbours gossiping. This resulted inme telling my best friend, who was my next door neighbour, that my Dad was still living in the house. Utterly ridiculous. I lied to all my school friends too. I can't tell you what a relief it was the day I finally copped on and stopped lying. It was such a relief. I can still remeber it crystal clear. Honestly, don't do that to your kid. It is a heavy cross to bear. I was ashamed for nothing. When I did tell the other kids, they were fine about it. Most already knew. Once the question is answered, it won't be asked again, unless it isn't the truth.

Kildrought

...he doesnt have a father

Wow, 2nd time in 2,000 years!

Of course he has a Dad; whatever the circumstances might have been, that's no reason to allow you or your child to be upset or ashamed about how you live now.

"Joe's Daddy doesn't live with us now" is all that's needed, followed up by a quick change of subject - "I really like your new bike/t-shirt/baby brother"

SarahMc

Unregistered wrote: »

Yes, kids are curious and honesty is the best policy but also there is a line that needs to be drawn between this and your family's privacy.

But a 3 year old asking if his friend has a daddy/where is his daddy is not an invasion of your privacy. Its a totally natural and normal question from a child, which deserves a simple and straightforward answer, not a 'mind your own business'.

gra26

I've been having similar issues going on and all the advice here has been quite helpful. Cheers guys.