In this thread, we tell stories.

Executive Steve

Rules are as follows;

All stories must have at least a grain of truth in them.

All stories must be the favourite stories you always find yourself telling - that amusing anecdote you drag up at the end of an epic dinner party perhaps.

Stories need not have happened to you personally; you may retell your great-uncle freddie the spitfire pilots' tales of battling the hun over the channel if you like BUT you may only retell stories you were told in person, even if the teller wasn't the person the story happened to.

No retelling of stories from films, books, plays or poems, although if a film was made about the years your grandmother spent living with cannibals in borneo please feel free to refer to it.

Points awarded for narrative flair, dramatic asides, insights into the human condition, and sheer preposterousness.

GO!

(i'll do mine later once i've picked a few of my favourites)


(expecting big things from this thread by the way)

Indie18

I had a banana for breakfast this morning, it wasn't nice:(

cardio,shoot me

10/10

That_Guy

Once upon a time I read a post.

Surrounded by this post were many other posts.
And surrounded by those posts was a dragon. This dragon was no ordinary dragon. In fact it was a magical dragon with glaring eyes and had a thinly shaven moustache with grains of salt on either side.

"Hark young dragon", I uttered. "What be ye doing here?"
Said the dragon in response, "RAWR". "I see young dragon", said I quivering in my Gucci boots, "then I shall leave you in peace for I do not wish to disrupt you in your merry cave"

I left the dragon and there he shall stay forever more.

The End.

connundrum

I was working in the Savoy at the time of the Alexander premier.

I was at the back standing beside a temporary spotlight when the stars and director were to make their entrance.

Oliver Stone walked towards me, and tripped on one of the legs of the spotlight tripod. I moved forward, grabbed his arm and saved him from certain death.

Angelina Jolie followed and winked at me, probably as a thank you for saving the great man's life.

Some other people followed them, I don't really remember who they were.

Afterwards, I scored Angelina.


*Definite parts of that story are true.

Fink Goddie

How big was the banana!

AnonoBoy

connundrum wrote: »

blah blah blah

Afterwards, I scored Oliver Stone.

The truth will out.

niallon

My favourite family anecdote entails the reason my Great Grandfather didn't visit London much in his later years. It's possibly just some pub joke that my family has adopted or may indeed be true but either way it always makes me laugh.

The story goes that one day whilst driving around, he approached a pedestrian crossing with the zig zag lines marking its presence. Not noticing the pedestrian crossing he just kept on driving through it and was susequently pulled over by a cop. The conversation then went like this:

COP: Sorry mate, do you realise you just drove through a pedestrian crossing without yielding?

GG:Where? I didn't see it.

COP: Those zig zag lines just back there.

GG: Ah, see son, where I come from, we draw all our lines straight.

Needless to say he was back home quite briskly soon after...

Indie18

Fink Goddie wrote: »

How big was the banana!

Just your avarage run of the mill banana, Maybe a little greener than I would like though but what ya gonna do?

My name is URL

One flew over the Cuckoo's Nest

....this one

xzanti

I shot JR

Saibh

Once upon a time on a website called Boards.ie....

Gone Drinking

When i was a nipper, my mother was heading into Dublin city, she asked me if i'd like anything.. i told her to pick me up some form of dance music from one of those guys selling dodgy tapes from a suitcase on the street.

So she approached the guy and asked him for some sort of dance music tape, he told her to go down the road to his mate selling tapes and ask for Scooter.

My mother approached the second guy and said "Hi, are you Scooter?"

I laughed at her when she told me.

Executive Steve

Gone Drinking wrote: »

When i was a nipper, my mother was head into Dublin city, she asked me if i'd like anything.. i told her to pick me up some form of dance music from one of those guys selling dodgy tapes from a suitcase on the street.

So she approached the guy and asked him for some sort of dance music tape, he told her to go down the road to his mate selling tapes and ask for Scooter.

My mother approached the second guy and said "Hi, are you Scooter?"

I laughed at her when she told me.

Brilliant!

Executive Steve

I have a similar thread on the go on another board and just had to cross-quote this one:::

Classmate of mine (he was 19 back then, year after we left school) was out on the piss on New Years' Eve. Having trouble with his girlfriend, he's appreciating the drink very much, ending up in some pub in the inner city at 5am. His friends leave, he decides to drink some more and stays at the bar.
At that point, some guy (30+) with a mustache who turns out to be a taxi driver engages him in a conversation. They drink together, talk the usual bull****, and rant about women - something he can very much relate to at that time. As the pub closes at 6am, the taxi driver tells him the he's off duty and if they want to go somewhere else to continue drinking there. Piss drunk as he his and probably longing for company to have a drunken heart-to-heart, no matter with who (I knew him during 8 years of school, he's one of those people who start telling you their deepest secrets after a couple of drinks), he agrees, so they head to some semi-shifty pub somewhere else.
They drink some more, talk some more and come time for leaving at 8am, the guy gives him a quite lewd look, strokes his moustache and asks: "So, what about going to my place, for a little massage and watching some porn?"

4zn76tysfajdxp

That_Guy wrote: »

Once upon a time I read a post.

Surrounded by this post were many other posts.
And surrounded by those posts was a dragon. This dragon was no ordinary dragon. In fact it was a magical dragon with glaring eyes and had a thinly shaven moustache with grains of salt on either side.

"Hark young dragon", I uttered. "What be ye doing here?"
Said the dragon in response, "RAWR". "I see young dragon", said I quivering in my Gucci boots, "then I shall leave you in peace for I do not wish to disrupt you in your merry cave"

I left the dragon and there he shall stay forever more.

The End.

Was he good at taking pictures?

Soulja boy

Did I ever tell you about the man who taught his asshole to talk?

His whole abdomen would move up and down you dig farting out the words. It was unlike anything I had ever heard. This ass talk had sort of a gut frequency. It hit you right down there like you gotta go. You know when the old colon gives you the elbow and it feels sorta cold inside, and you know all you have to do is turn loose? Well this talking hit you right down there, a bubbly, thick stagnant sound, a sound you could smell. This man worked for a carnival you dig, and to start with it was like a novelty ventri-liquist act. Real funny, too, at first. He had a number he called The Better Ole that was a scream, I tell you. I forget most of it but it was clever. Like, "Oh I say, are you still down there, old thing?" "Nah I had to go relieve myself." After a while the ass start talking on its own. He would go in without anything prepared and his ass would ad-lib and toss the gags back at him every time. Then it developed sort of teeth-like little raspy in-curving hooks and start eating. He thought this was cute at first and built an act around it, but the asshole would eat its way through his pants and start talking on the street, shouting out it wanted equal rights. It would get drunk, too, and have crying jags nobody loved it and it wanted to be kissed same as any other mouth. Finally it talked all the time day and night, you could hear him for blocks screaming at it to shut up, and beating it with his fist, and sticking candles up it, but nothing did any good and the asshole said to him Its you who will shut up in the end. Not me. Because we dont need you around here any more. I can talk and eat AND ****. After that he began waking up in the morning with a transparent jelly like a tadpoles tail all over his mouth. This jelly was what the scientists call un-D.T., Undifferentiated Tissue, which can grow into any kind of flesh on the human body. He would tear it off his mouth and the pieces would stick to his hands like burning gasoline jelly and grow there, grow anywhere on him a glob of it fell. So finally his mouth sealed over, and the whole head would have have amputated spontaneous - except for the EYES you dig. Thats one thing the asshole COULDN'T do was see. It needed the eyes. But nerve connections were blocked and infiltrated and atrophied so the brain couldnt give orders any more. It was trapped in the skull, sealed off. For a while you could see the silent, helpless suffer-ing of the brain behind the eyes, then finally the brain must have died, because the eyes WENT OUT, and there was no more feeling in them than a crabs eyes on the end of a stalk.

ScumLord

Indie18 wrote: »

I had a banana for breakfast this morning, it wasn't nice:(

That's mad, I had a banana last night. Where did you put yours?

AnonoBoy

[cm]tyranny wrote: »

Classmate of mine (he was 19 back then, year after we left school) was out on the piss on New Years' Eve. Having trouble with his girlfriend, he's appreciating the drink very much, ending up in some pub in the inner city at 5am. His friends leave, he decides to drink some more and stays at the bar.
At that point, some guy (30+) with a mustache who turns out to be a taxi driver engages him in a conversation. They drink together, talk the usual bull****, and rant about women - something he can very much relate to at that time. As the pub closes at 6am, the taxi driver tells him the he's off duty and if they want to go somewhere else to continue drinking there. Piss drunk as he his and probably longing for company to have a drunken heart-to-heart, no matter with who (I knew him during 8 years of school, he's one of those people who start telling you their deepest secrets after a couple of drinks), he agrees, so they head to some semi-shifty pub somewhere else.
They drink some more, talk some more and come time for leaving at 8am, the guy gives him a quite lewd look, strokes his moustache and asks: "So, what about going to my place, for a little massage and watching some porn?"

He stayed out drinking all night with a stranger and was then surprised when said stranger hit on him?

Hardly a killer twist in that story now is there?

That_Guy

Ayan Steep Joiner wrote: »

Was he good at taking pictures?

Fairly amateur photos to be honest.

Indie18

ScumLord wrote: »

That's mad, I had a banana last night. Where did you put yours?

If I answerd that I would most likely be banned from AH.

That_Guy

Indie18 wrote: »

If I answerd that I would most likely be banned from AH.

Really? Describing how the digestive system works can get you banned now?

*waits anxiously for a mod to ban me*

Terry

[cm]tyranny wrote: »

I have a similar thread on the go on another board and just had to cross-quote this one:::

Yes sir, I can Google.

Off to tCN.

TriceMarie

In a hospital ward,a man tries to make conversation with an elderly,partly senile woman

Man:"So do you have any kids yourself?"
Old woman:"Oh no...they took my music box away years ago"

LOL

Matt Holck

will it float?
well, I built it to float
but the seas can be angry and Men grow weary lazy
as they fall so will it slowly come apart

joes girls

i once had a pet hairy molly......i called him zimmy. i went for a walk with him the other day.........he got walked on, its rained every day since!!!!!
I miss my zimmy

Deki

what a sad story.

joes girls

tell your story????

Deki

nope. mine doesn't have an end yet. I might make one up though:D