Boyfriend doesn't like my family

LegacyUser

Going unregistered for this. Recently discovered by means I am ashamed of that my OH doesn't like my family and I haven't been able to talk to him about this. We've been going out awhile but he has had really little to do with them during this time. His own family situation is a bit strange...doesn't have that close a bond with his parents or his brother whereas I'm close to mine. I ask him to spend very little time with my family so I don't know what he's based this judgement on. I have a family wedding coming up and obviously he is coming with me but I hate the fact that he'll probably be secretly hating every minute of it. The whole thing is annoying me a lot but I can't talk to him about it as he has never directly said anything about disliking my family to me. I love him and we're due to move in together shortly and I don't want this to spoil anything.

CDfm

How long are you going out.

It seems odd that you discovered your OH doesnt like your family from someone/way other than him.

Anyway, he is not related to them and as long as he is civil and polite to them it shouldnt matter,

Kinetic^

He's going out with you, not your family. He doesn't have to like them or even his own family. As long as he is polite and unabusive towards them then there is no issue.

tink2

personally I couldn't continue going out with someone who didn't like my family cos I couldn't see a future in it. At the end of the day family is really important to me and like you have said it's very difficult to think they will be hating every minute with them. On the other hand you could have read something that he wrote on a bad day and exaggerated it. Think you need to bring it up.he may find it all a bit much not being close to his own family. it depends on how much it bothers you.

John Mason

why cant you just ask him out straight?

in a serious relationship no subject should be taboo

harps90

my ex husband is now my ex due to his dislike of my family who i am very close to. thought it would'nt matter , but it does , family events etc were ruined for me and them because of this.have to say though , he was openly rude and hostile , but that progressed over the years.

CDfm

I had the exact oppossite experience.My ex's family were really nasty to me from the getgo. I always wondered why my ex didnt do anything about it and it was something I tolerated because I was young. As time went by I just lost tolerence for them.

helimachoptor

My gf is very family orientated.. me not so much.

I get on great with all her family bar her mam who frankly is an evil manipulative cow.

Thankfully I dont have to see her that often so it doesn't bother me.

As said above OP, your BF is going out with you not your family.
As long as he respects them and is polite he doesn't have to like them.
If he's being openly rude etc i'd have an issue with that.

Kinetic^

Kinetic^ wrote: »

He's going out with you, not your family. He doesn't have to like them or even his own family. As long as he is polite and unabusive towards them then there is no issue.

If your entertaing the idea of becoming a family with a guy. Then his ideas on the subject and how he interacts with his own becomes highly relevant.

OP it doesnt sound like he has enough expierence of your family to form a fair judgement.
Not being close to his own, he might misinterpret the way you relate to yours.

I wouldn't worry about it until he gets a chance to know them properly.
I certainly wouldn't feel sorry for him hating their company, once I was happy he was being treated with respect.
The only way he is going to get over it, is by learning more about them.

aoibhebree

I'm lucky that my OH gets on great with my family. If he didn't, however, so long as he was civil and respectful towards them, it wouldn't be a dealbreaker. I can see it making things a bit awkward alright, but if you like him enough you should be able to get over it.

As a matter of interest, do they like him?

CDfm

tink2 wrote: »

personally I couldn't continue going out with someone who didn't like my family cos I couldn't see a future in it. At the end of the day family is really important to me and like you have said it's very difficult to think they will be hating every minute with them.

What if your OH had a problem with how they treated you or your relationship?

Its not unknown for a partner to be treated as an extention.

LegacyUser

My family were and are extremely two faced and disrespectful towards my husband and I. We have given them no real reason other than having our own opinions and our own way of doing things. My family have always treated me and then my husband as an extension of themselves and it makes them furious that we do our own thing. Because we don't bow to them enough they make out that we are disrespectful towards them and everything we say or do gets turned into an insult against them.
Basically my family are pretty odd people who don't seem to like many people because everybody out there seems to have offended or slighted them somehow, whether its by giving a different opinion or not saying 'hello' in an overly friendly way (in other words 'bowing' to them).
My siblings don't have this problem because unlike me , they pander to my parents and each other and their OH's toe the line when they come to visit with them. I used to but I couldn't live with the repression anymore. My health was beginning to suffer.

I saw my family as being normal for so long because I had no other family to compare them to. I now realize that they are completely toxic and passive aggressive manipulators. My husband can't stand the sight of them and I have to force myself to be nice to them.
My siblings would never see the family this way because they have never stood back from the family's behavior and examined it or if they have they haven't had the guts to act any differently. They prefer to see the unhealthy culture within the family of interference and nosiness as family closeness.
Sorry to go into my own family situation so much but until I stood back and examined it I thought I came from a perfect family and it was other people who were odd. It was a big wake up call and it could have ruined my relationship with my OH if I hadn't coped on to myself and my family.

I'm not saying that your family is like this but is it a possibility.
It may also be that

1)there are no boundaries between you all and this is what is bothering your OH. Maybe you are too close and need to stand back and re-establish what is a healthy boundary.

2) Are your family possibly rude to your OH without you realising it? Being twofaced or passive aggressive.

3) maybe the problem is with your OH, maybe it all stems from the relationship he has with his own family
or
4)is your OH just shy and therefore uncomfortable around them. Maybe he has
a form of social anxiety which you don't realise. He knows you and is therefore comfortable around you but maybe he really struggles around people he doesn't know that well.

I hope this is of some help to you. It's not a nice situation to be...I know, I'm in it and it sucks but as other posters said , as long as he is respectful to your family it shouldn't matter if he really likes them or not. It's you he is with not your family.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the opinions guys. Its definitely given me food for thought over the last day or two.
To answer some of the questions asked: We've been together about 18 months but he was living away for 3-4 months in the middle of it. We are in the middle of sorting out a place of our own at the moment and hope to be moved in the next couple of weeks.
My family really like what they know of him and have commented on how happy I've been recently. They are polite and friendly to him and he is to them. He does feel awkward in social situations....not that you would realise it looking at him when we are in company. Maybe this has something to do with it as well as his relationship with his own family.
I suppose the reason it bothered me was that I didn't know he felt this way. But as people have pointed out...he's going out with me and not my family and has never been rude to them or about them.
Thanks again. Hopefully when he gets to know them a bit better he'll realise they are not so bad

castle

The warning signs are there lose him, if he is like this already if you had children together he would have a good chance of been cold to them aswell.Make yourself happy and get someone who is willing to make an effort for you.

Dizzyblonde

As your boyfriend the very least he should do is make an effort with your family out of respect for you. If he's unwilling to do this, and they haven't done anything to offend him, then alarm bell should be ringing.

Most people want to be nice to their OH's family - it's only natural.

Ave Sodalis

He will get over it..