Is it possible to remain in a marraige for the kids

LegacyUser

Hi We have been married for over 20yrs and have 3 lovely children. But all we do is argue, then calm for a wek or two the almighty arguements again over something small cos the last ones have never really been resolved.
Deep down I know I know i never really wanted to get married to my wife, but I could never build up the courage then nor now to tell her. I just never had the courage to break her heart (very presumptious of me i know and i don't mean it to sound that way)
Anyway I don't want to go into the ins and outs, but I really don't love her enough to want to spend the rest of my life with her. I would love to think that maybe in the future i can find someone to live with that I could really love and her me.
But the coward in me comes out again, I don't want to hurt the children, as I have seen the kids of other familes that they go to school with and how their parents break-up has effected them really badly and I could not live with inflicting that on my children.
Does anyone think its possible to live out this lie for another 12 years till the youngest has reached 21, has anyone out there done it or failed in trying to do it and can offer advice.
After yesterdays arguement, my wife says we should go to counselling, but it was then that I told her i don't need counselling to tell me what i think, when she asked me to spit it out, all i could say was I don't want to be married to you, but I don't want to hurt the kids or lose them or them her.

LegacyUser

Indeed it is possible, and probably quite common.

I strongly suspect my own parents did it and continue to do it for the kids, although with the youngest being 21 I doubt it's really necessary anymore. They're 28 years married and the profound personality differences that probably drew them to each other in the beginning, have long since drawn a huge wedge between them and this was apparent to me from an early age. I'm now 24.

I don't have any advice for you, I can't imagine what it feels like to be in your situation, but all I'll say is, it is possible but the kids will know.

My mother used to drop subtle comments even when I was a child and even today she'll say things like 'never marry a smoker / never marry someone who doesn't have the same interests in you' and if I do something she doesn't approve of, it's 'you're just like your father' - as if it's an insult. Both of them care for each other, maybe even love each other in their own way for the years they have been together, I have no doubt about that, but they have long since accepted their situation.

Even without the comments, a loveless marriage is blatantly obvious to anyone, especially the kids you are raising in the same household. You really want to think about the example you are setting for your children. To be brutally honest, I have problems with my love life and a non belief in marriage, that I often wonder if it is attributed to the fact that my parents put us before themselves and allowed their relationship to stagnate and go stale for the sake of the kids.

Just my 0.05c, but do think long and hard before you make a decision.

Rb

The rest of your life will be miserable if you don't sort this out now.

This marriage isn't what you want and your current wife is not who you want to be with, so end it. You have to put yourself first sometimes.

Stand up for yourself and be a man, end your "sham" of a marriage and enjoy the rest of your life. Your kids will be fine, loads of their friends have went or will go through the same thing as divorce the "evil" it used to be.

sillyputty

Im sure it is quite possible, but as previous posts have said you will be miserable.

You should also remember kids are clever and can easily pick up on tension and will figure out somethings wrong.

Rb

sillyputty wrote: »

Im sure it is quite possible, but as previous posts have said you will be miserable.

You should also remember kids are clever and can easily pick up on tension and will figure out somethings wrong.

Not to mention that if you and your wife are constantly fighting, it will probably upset the kids more than a quick and simple divorce.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

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After yesterdays arguement, my wife says we should go to counselling, but it was then that I told her i don't need counselling to tell me what i think, when she asked me to spit it out, all i could say was I don't want to be married to you, but I don't want to hurt the kids or lose them or them her.

Hi OP - how did your wife react to this? Was she totally surprised or did you sense some sort of agreement from her? If you did seperate, do you think it would be amicable? I have no experience of your situation myself, (bar seeing my friends parents split up) but if its all done amicably, how do you think your children would cope with it? Do you think they sense the unhappiness that is currently there between you and your wife?

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP - how did your wife react to this? Was she totally surprised or did you sense some sort of agreement from her? If you did seperate, do you think it would be amicable? I have no experience of your situation myself, (bar seeing my friends parents split up) but if its all done amicably, how do you think your children would cope with it? Do you think they sense the unhappiness that is currently there between you and your wife?

To be honest she did not seem surprised, but probally like myself does not know what to do.
i would hope if we do split that it would be amicable, I don't hate her ar anything like that And her me, we just don't seem to be able to agree or love each other for any length of time before the rows start up.
Maybe the older children could cope but I know it would destroy our youngest, And yea I am sure the older kids can sense the unhappiness as to our shame we have not always managed to keep the rows private.

harps90

i split up recently with my husband of 19 years , much the same situation as yours.my kids who are in their teens tell me it was the right thing to do, they had been aware of everything for years and hated it. even the 7 year old says shes happy now mammy and daddy are'nt together.it took me so long to realise that you have a right to be happy and content in your life and you do nobody any favours staying put.

RentDayBlues

Why do you think waiting until the youngest is 21 will help them understand? They are not stupid and will be aware of what is going on anyway. If you don't love your wife the best thing you could do for your kids is finish it now, don't drag it out and make it worse for all involved

LegacyUser

I defo think you need to sit down with your wife and tell her everything you've said, even if you can't say it, write it down in a letter and give it to her.

There's no point staying in a relationship just for your kids, do you really think they don't notice all the arguing and hate that just as much as if you were apart?? My parents are not in the same situation as you but they do fight alot, I think what happened there was my mum really loved my dad and altho he didnt treat her maybe the way he should have when they were younger, she got married anyway coz she loved him so much. Nearly 25 years down the line she regularly gets depressed coz he has gradually gotten worse and worse. They dont fight all the time by any means but he can be pretty unreasonable sometimes. Reason Im sayin this is because it has really affected me looking at their marriage. I love them both, think they're both wonderful parents, but it is honestly my worst fear to end up in a relationship like theirs. Since I've gotten older mum regularily comes to me for a shoulder to cry on and altho I'm there for her, it really puts a lot of pressure and stress on me as I am the one left acting lik a referee. I end up gettin really pissed off at my dad and hate listening to the empty threats of leavin eachother.

Chances are your kids will feel lik this in a few years, this situation is only going to get worse!! If you both can be adult enough to end it amicably, then your kids will be happier in the long run. It might be difficult at first but you're hurting them, your wife and yourself by putting this expiry date on the relationship. Life is too short!!

LegacyUser

My parents appear to have done this. Id say they do love each other, its just my mother was a different person when she got married. So it doesnt really "work."

I had a fight with my dad half a year ago, he got flustered and said the only reason eh wasnt gone long ago was because of my and my siblings. Thats fine for me - Im not really emotional - but that sort of talk might hurt a lot of people. So the solution would be pretence - constantly pretending to the kids ye are in love.

Or else divorce, which will hurt the kids more. One has to balance the happiness of yourself with the happiness of your kids. Would you be a better parent if you were happier?

LegacyUser

I divorced. Amicable no. Financially secure no. Access problems with kids yes.

If you want to find out what the alternatives are I strongly suggest you find out about some mens help groups. There is a recession on at the moment and unless you have pots of money the alternative may not be attractive or you may not be able to afford the life you think is out there.

LegacyUser

I was the child in this situation & my advice to you is get out.

My parents very obviously should not have been together & even as a little child I knew it. You would be amazed what children pick up, to this day I could tell you word for word different arguements I remember.

Chances are your children know something is wrong.

To this day I can walk into a room with them & know straight away if there is an atmosphere, even if no words are spoken.

I have such a strained relationship with them both because I blamed them for putting us through that. I wished & still do they had walked away from eachother & been parents to us instead of making our lives miserable with their relationship.

If I found myself in your situation I would have no hesitation in getting out, for the sake of your children.

If you stay they may hate you for it in the future.

Salome

I think it's better to have parents who are happy, that don't live together than to have two parents living together, resenting each other and hating every minute if they are so unhappy.

Your children will adjust. Keep it amicable and get access sorted out before you tear each other apart.