Should I be concerned?

LegacyUser

I never thought i'd be writing a 'look what my husband was doing on the computer' thread but here goes..

I was logging into Facebook and when the site popped up it was my husband's page, he had left it minimised while making our child's breakfast. There was an email open and it was from a girl he had met on holidays 13 years ago, just before we met. He wrote that he was messing around with facebook and her name came into his head and he looked her up so he mailed her, kind of reminiscing but making sure she was the same girl. She replied imediately saying she still had something she gave him, and he replied saying the same. If i remember correctly he told me about her the year we met, as they had been still in contact via letters. Anyway i'm just a bit confused as to why he would feel the need to contact her after all this time, and was wondering would anyone in my position be worried?

Salome

Seeing as he left the page open on a shared computer, if I were you, I'd ask him out straight about it. You weren't snooping, he left it open.

If he's got nothing to hide, then he'll be honest about it.

Personally, I'd love to find my first boyfriend again, to see how he's doing etc but in no way would I like to rekindle anything. Maybe your husband is just being curious about an old friend.

Talk to him.

LegacyUser

Thanks Salome,
The thing is he just met her on hols, prob just kissed her as he would've been very young at the time, I was his first and only girlfriend, so its not like they would've had a really strong or intimate connection the way a boyfriend/girlfriend would have..

Salome

Then I'd definitely talk to him - I'm sure you've nothing to worry about. It's probably just curiosity.

LegacyUser

Yeah talk it out...but obviously not in an accusing way. I doubt it's anything, just simple curiousity. I've only had one serious relationship but have kissed/dated a few guys previously and if I had the chance to catch up with them, I'd like. Not for wanting to rekindle anything but simple human curiousity

July

Yeah, say something today in a jokey way, suss him out. If you leave it a while before saying anything it's only going to be a bigger deal for both of you.

I think you have NOTHING to worry about because if he had something to hide he wouldn't have left the window open.

Manic Moran

I do such things as well. Every now and then I'll think of a random name from the past, ask myself "I wonder whatever happened to...." and see if they don't have a Facebook page or a link on the UCD alumni website or whatever. Say 'hi', see if they remember me. Totally innocent.

Don't worry about it.

NTM

Micky Dolenz

I do the same, catch up with old friends, it can be fun to see how things turned out for people. I wouldn't worry about it but take it as a chance to reminisce with your hubby about how ye got together, over a bottle of wine is good.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the insights everyone. And thats a lovely idea about reminiscing Micky Dolenz.
I just hope he's not getting bored with me or his life now, you know?

Rb

Your insecurities are showing.

This is completely normal "facebook" behaviour and it's telling that you instantly feared the worst.

Wurly

Rb wrote: »

Your insecurities are showing.

This is completely normal "facebook" behaviour and it's telling that you instantly feared the worst.

That's a little harsh, don't you think?

She was just confused as to the motives so decided to ask others opinions. I don't think she was fearing the worst, rather the situation was confusing to her.

Back to the OP, this is normal. I do it, my boyfriend does it. It means nothing. Honestly.

VaioCruiser

Worried OP wrote: »

Anyway i'm just a bit confused as to why he would feel the need to contact her after all this time, and was wondering would anyone in my position be worried?

So you are saying that when we marry we should fulfill every single emotional and human need of our partners for the rest of their lives ? and they should have no need to have any relationship or contact with anyone else except ourselves ?

I personally think that that is a very insecure and immature model of the world. It sounds more like capturing a pet and keeping him in a cage, where he will be made to depend on us and us alone.


All the best.

Wurly

VaioCruiser wrote: »

So you are saying that when we marry we should fulfill every single emotional and human need of our partners for the rest of their lives ? and they should have no need to have any relationship or contact with anyone else except ourselves ?

I personally think that that is a very insecure and immature model of the world. It sounds more like capturing a pet and keeping him in a cage, where he will be made to depend on us and us alone.


All the best.

I don't think that's what she was saying at all. I didn't get that whatsoever from the section of the OP's post you quoted.

Since when was it such a crime to ask for opinions on a matter that's confusing to you?

Rb

Trí wrote: »

That's a little harsh, don't you think?

No, not particularly.

In the OP it says that the mail her husband sent was along the lines of "Messing on facebook and remembered you while thinking of people to look up" and yet the OP automatically fears that her husband has ulterior motives.

Unless he has a history of dodgy behaviour or having cheated on her, such fears are completely irrational and over the top and scream "I'm insecure".

There's nothing harsh in pointing that out. Instead of even bringing it up with him in conversation she came here and posted what she considered to be one of those "'look what my husband was doing on the computer'" threads...C'mon now.

Wurly

Rb wrote: »

No, not particularly.

In the OP it says that the mail her husband sent was along the lines of "Messing on facebook and remembered you while thinking of people to look up" and yet the OP automatically fears that her husband has ulterior motives.

Unless he has a history of dodgy behaviour or having cheated on her, such fears are completely irrational and over the top and scream "I'm insecure".

There's nothing harsh in pointing that out. Instead of even bringing it up with him in conversation she came here and posted what she considered to be one of those "'look what my husband was doing on the computer'" threads...C'mon now.

Such fears happen to the best of us occasionally. Maybe this was an occasional moment for the OP.

Maybe she wanted advice before she spoke to her husband. Is that so wrong?

You are assuming a lot from the OP's post and judging her on things that she didn't actually say. I really fail to see how that's helpful to her.

LegacyUser

VaioCruiser wrote: »

So you are saying that when we marry we should fulfill every single emotional and human need of our partners for the rest of their lives ? and they should have no need to have any relationship or contact with anyone else except ourselves ?

I personally think that that is a very insecure and immature model of the world. It sounds more like capturing a pet and keeping him in a cage, where he will be made to depend on us and us alone.


All the best.

Hmmm, Actually VaioCruiser I'm not the one jumping to conclusions here, you are.

That's not what i said, or even meant, at all. My husband has plenty of friends, both male and female, and is even still in touch with all his female ex co-workers as they got on well, but all I'm wondering about is how come that particular girl of 13 years ago came into his mind? And should I be worried about the flirty reminiscing mails? What 'emotional or human need', as you put it, could she fullfil for him?

I am indeed confused, as like i said earlier they weren't in a relationship so wouldn't have had a close connection. If she had been a first gf/love I would understand the curiosity element.

As far as insecurity goes, i'm no more insecure or secure than the next person. We've been together for 12 yrs, married for 3, and he still treats me the same as when we first met, and expresses the same desire etc for me as he did then, even though having had a baby etc means i'm mentally and physically a very different person!!

Anyway Tri seems to get me, and thanks for fighting my case Tri! Some others are reading too much into what i wrote..

LegacyUser

Rb wrote: »

No, not particularly.
Unless he has a history of dodgy behaviour or having cheated on her, such fears are completely irrational and over the top and scream "I'm insecure".

I should also say that actually yes, my husband (before we were married) had been mailing a couple of girls, flirting with them, and even sent a picture to one of them. One he had met on some internet site, this was before the days of bebo/facebook. The other girl, more worryingly, he met while out one night with a single male friend of his, when they got chatting to a group of girls and they obviously exchanged emails and he contacted her. As i said that was a long time ago, I do trust him, as in I believe he's always been faithful, but i'm wondering does he feel the need for the attention, or some excitement etc.

anyway take what you will from that..

VaioCruiser

Worried OP wrote: »

Actually VaioCruiser I'm not the one jumping to conclusions here, you are.

That's not what i said, or even meant, at all. My husband has plenty of friends, both male and female, and is even still in touch with all his female ex co-workers as they got on well, but all I'm wondering about is how come that particular girl of 13 years ago came into his mind? And should I be worried about the flirty reminiscing mails? What 'emotional or human need', as you put it, could she fullfil for him?

I am indeed confused, as like i said earlier they weren't in a relationship so wouldn't have had a close connection. If she had been a first gf/love I would understand the curiosity element.

As far as insecurity goes, i'm no more insecure or secure than the next person. We've been together for 12 yrs, married for 3, and he still treats me the same as when we first met, and expresses the same desire etc for me as he did then, even though having had a baby etc means i'm mentally and physically a very different person!!

Anyway Tri seems to get me, and thanks for fighting my case Tri! Some others are reading too much into what i wrote..

I didn't think this was a competition. And having read back through the thread I am even more convinced that I am right. You said ". . . why he would feel the need to contact her after all this time".
I have no wish to upset you or get into any kind of competitive situation. The only reason I post here is to offer some experienced advice, and I am honestly happy that he still feels so much in love with you. It is natural to chose to listen to advice that echoes our own preferred diagnosis and if that is what you want, then fine. I would suggest differently and say that from your response above, I was right on the money.

All the best.

Silverfish

Guys, this is PI, people come here for advice, it's not an online version of Judge Judy where somebody is on trial. Can we keep that in mind in our responses please.

LegacyUser

VaioCruiser wrote: »

It is natural to chose to listen to advice that echoes our own preferred diagnosis and if that is what you want, then fine. I would suggest differently and say that from your response above, I was right on the money.

All the best.

I am grateful for every response, but what you offered wasn't advice, it was your opinion on what I expect from a relationship, or marriage in my case. And i don't know how you managed to come up with that based on my few posts, but it is not true at all.

I was looking for peoples' opinions on whether they would be concerned or not, I actually haven't decided whether I am concerned or not, I obviously am up to a point, which is why I posted here, but on the other hand I haven't brought it up with my husband as I don't want him to feel I don't trust him or am monitoring who he's in contact with etc. I genuinely just feel confused as to why he wanted to make contact again. What you wrote about me thinking i should fullfil every single need of my husband comparing it to capturing a pet is simply not true, and I dont want that to influence other peoples advice to me, which is why i'm addressing it with you. However, as far as me fulfilling every intimate need etc is concerned, yes I would prefer that to be the case, as that's why we are in a monogamous relationship.

Wurly

Worried OP wrote: »

I am grateful for every response, but what you offered wasn't advice, it was your opinion on what I expect from a relationship, or marriage in my case. And i don't know how you managed to come up with that based on my few posts, but it is not true at all.

I was looking for peoples' opinions on whether they would be concerned or not, I actually haven't decided whether I am concerned or not, I obviously am up to a point, which is why I posted here, but on the other hand I haven't brought it up with my husband as I don't want him to feel I don't trust him or am monitoring who he's in contact with etc. I genuinely just feel confused as to why he wanted to make contact again. What you wrote about me thinking i should fullfil every single need of my husband comparing it to capturing a pet is simply not true, and I dont want that to influence other peoples advice to me, which is why i'm addressing it with you. However, as far as me fulfilling every intimate need etc is concerned, yes I would prefer that to be the case, as that's why we are in a monogamous relationship.

Right - back to the original problem. Don't get bogged down in this thread too much. Not worth it...

Do you feel better having read the helpful replies? If not, then maybe it's time to talk to your husband. Voice your concerns. I mean, he's your husband and one of his roles is to listen to you.

How are you feeling about the situation now?

LegacyUser

Trí wrote: »

Right - back to the original problem. Don't get bogged down in this thread too much. Not worth it...

Do you feel better having read the helpful replies? If not, then maybe it's time to talk to your husband. Voice your concerns. I mean, he's your husband and one of his roles is to listen to you.

How are you feeling about the situation now?

Thanks Tri,

It's definitly good to hear that a lot of people would consider this normal, and nothing to worry about. I don't think I will bring it up, to be honest i'm feeling a bit guilty about reading the mail in the first place, yes one was left open but the two that preceeded that weren't. I suppose the bottom line is that I do trust him and I don't doubt he loves me, its been a rocky and stressful 2 yrs, having a baby and all it brings, but he's always reinforced the fact that we'll be okay. Perhaps as I said he just needs a bit of attention, I've been preoccupied with studying something these past 9 months but thats coming to an end soon and we're going abroad on holiday, so I know things will improve then. He really is the type of person who needs attention and love, and i know i've put him to the bottom of my list, through no fault of my own, but it won't be forever.

Sorry for rambling, and thanks for your kindness!

Wurly

Worried OP wrote: »

Thanks Tri,

It's definitly good to hear that a lot of people would consider this normal, and nothing to worry about. I don't think I will bring it up, to be honest i'm feeling a bit guilty about reading the mail in the first place, yes one was left open but the two that preceeded that weren't. I suppose the bottom line is that I do trust him and I don't doubt he loves me, its been a rocky and stressful 2 yrs, having a baby and all it brings, but he's always reinforced the fact that we'll be okay. Perhaps as I said he just needs a bit of attention, I've been preoccupied with studying something these past 9 months but thats coming to an end soon and we're going abroad on holiday, so I know things will improve then. He really is the type of person who needs attention and love, and i know i've put him to the bottom of my list, through no fault of my own, but it won't be forever.

Sorry for rambling, and thanks for your kindness!

Well then, it appears you know yourself very well. You also have no doubt in your mind how your husband feels about you. You also get the dynamic here and in your own head, know what to do to put it right.

I'd say, therefore, you're onto a winner here. We all get an attack of the 'what if's' sometimes.. We are human. So don't worry.

Best of luck for the future.;)

LegacyUser

Trí wrote: »

Well then, it appears you know yourself very well. You also have no doubt in your mind how your husband feels about you. You also get the dynamic here and in your own head, know what to do to put it right.

I'd say, therefore, you're onto a winner here. We all get an attack of the 'what if's' sometimes.. We are human. So don't worry.

Best of luck for the future.;)

Thanks again Tri I really appreciate your input xx

Micky Dolenz

Hi,

If you have never been in a long term relationship, then you probably won't get where the OP is coming from. It does sometimes get dull, life does become run of the mill and you take your partner for granted.

Sometimes you think the grass is greener on the other side but it probably isn't and most people realise that.

What the OP is feeling is natural enough I would think. My OH is great and we have been together for a very long time, It is important to spend time together and just as important to spend time apart.
OP, as I've said before there is nothing like a good night in, really make the effort, nice bottle of whatever you fancy, kids in bed and just have a laugh.

snowy2008

Op, its nothing to be worried about, do ex's ever cross your mind? its totally innocent, sure he loves you and is married to you so is and always will be yours, dont worry, as a poster already said, crack open a bottle of wine tonight and reminise on your past together and feel all loved up best of luck!

LegacyUser

teresa2008 wrote: »

Op, its nothing to be worried about, do ex's ever cross your mind? its totally innocent, sure he loves you and is married to you so is and always will be yours, dont worry, as a poster already said, crack open a bottle of wine tonight and reminise on your past together and feel all loved up best of luck!

You see we are probably in an usual position as both myself and my husband are each others first, and last, loves, so we were each others first proper relationship. Having said that we are together a long time and are very happy in general.

Thanks Teresa, and Micky also x