What about the less than perfect ladies?

LegacyUser

I'm not rail thin. Hell, I'm not even slim. I'm not enormous either. 5 '2 and about ten stone. In my head, I look one way, and apparently in reality (as I learned from a photo this evening) I look another. I don't like how I look. Not at all.

I have big boobs. Long dark brown hair, sallow skin, green eyes, always make an effort with my style. Could stand to lose a stone or two, am constantly obsessing over this, but have zero prospects, as far as my love life goes.

Now to be fair, the reason I am posting this is because I went out on the p*ss, and while my friends were chatted up left right and centre, I was apparently invisible. This is a usual thing.

I'm clearly insecure as hell, not even going to deny that, but so are most of the female population in my experience and most of them manage to 'pull' when they're out, or more generally, meet someone and start dating. My love life is barren. I go out, have a few drinks, am a member of a few clubs, good conversationalist, intelligent, up for a laugh, and I just don't seem to attract attention. I've been single and prospect-less for so long that it's having an impact on my self esteem. Or maybe my self esteem is having an impact on my love life.

Sure, I'd love to lose weight, sure, I have plans to lose weight and better myself, but why must I wait until I have done this before I can be attractive and interesting to the opposite sex? I feel so Goddamn lonely and wish to God there was someone out there for me who would actually accept me for who I am, hell even find me beautiful for who and what I am and make me feel like the feminine, sexy woman that I know I am inside.

Am I taking the wrong route to finding a partner and what the hell are the alternatives?

Sorry that this post is so all over the place, I've had a few drinks. I'm also not generally such a moan - hard to believe from this post, but I'm usually quite a positive person, love laughing, love life. Just so bloody frustrated.

Any insight is more than welcome.

Hagar

If you feel that loosing a bit of weight will make you look better and boost your self-confidence then you already know what you must do.

Set yourself a realistic target weight, eat properly, cut out the snacks, exercise sensibly and cut down the alcohol, it's just pure calories.

Important - don't forget to visit your GP before embarking on any radical dietary or exercise programs.

dudara

Your stats don't scream 'fatty' to me. Maybe you could stand to lose some weight, but I don't think that's the main problem here.

Do you do any social activities where you coud meet men other than nightclubs or pubs?

LegacyUser

Ok, so you're a little chubby. But I have a friend with probably similar statistics and she is the biggest man magnet I've ever met!

Her trick is to always carry herself like a real desirable lady. She always looks good smiles alot and makes a point of looking like shes enjoying herself. Even if she isn't. I suppose yo know the 'glad eye' rule? - look shyly at a guy, look away, repeat x 2 over the course of 20 min or so - the third time he catches your eye giggle like you're embarassed as you quickly look away (if he's single that should be enough to reel 'em in). Body language also important and good posture essential when you're 5'2. You might be teeny but carry yourself like you're in vogue. Play around with it in front of a mirror. I know how affected this all sounds but I bet your as attractive as your mates. They're just sending out different messages with body language etc. Be confident and never forget you're a fox!

muboop1

girl, my advice is this, stop worrying!

thats your problem!

confidence is the key factor imo, i know so many "average" girls who get any guy they want purely on attitude, somehow its attractive.

Hell, do what i do, fake it! i have never approached a girl... that i remember but i have been approached myself alot. i'm not insanely good looking or anything. i just seem confident!

Having said that, what do you want from a guy? a relationship? a one night stand? a score in the club? or just to be noticed?

if its a relationship stay out of clubs, very rare for anything to happen from them. If its just attention or a one night stand or whatever, get on that dancefloor and make it yours! make sure you seem confident in everything you do.

guys will come begging :pac:

Firetrap

There are some less than rail thin ladies who don't have problems attracting the opposite sex but that can be down to confidence. Clearly your weight is bothering you and makes you feel less attractive. That possibly radiates from you when you socialise.

Not being a man, I can't give you any insight into the way the male brain works but I get the impression from life/reading things/boards etc. that they do like the thinner lady. Not necessarily a bag of bones but still thin.

If you think you need to lose two stone, now is a good time to start. You can't do anything about your love life now but if you start making an effort to lose weight today, you will start seeing the rewards in a month or two month's time. A healthy weight loss is considered to be a pound or a pound a half a week. It might not see a lot if you feel you need to lose two stone but if you lose a pound and a half every week, by August you will be a stone lighter and a dress size smaller. It is easier said than done of course but if you make some changes to your lifestyle and substitute more fattening foods/snacks for less fattening ones you'll lose weight without feeling deprived.

July

Unregistered wrote: »

I feel so Goddamn lonely and wish to God there was someone out there for me who would actually accept me for who I am, hell even find me beautiful for who and what I am and make me feel like the feminine, sexy woman that I know I am inside.

You know what OP, he's out there but you just haven't met him yet!

I agree with what others are saying about the weight impacting on your confidence.

cnocbui

With those stats, you have a body mass index of about 25.97. That is overweight. It sounds like you are loosing out in the initial selection process, which to a large extent is appearance driven, so no one is getting to the point of finding out your good qualities. I know that isn't 'fair', but life isn't.

Sure, I'd love to lose weight, sure, I have plans to lose weight and better myself, but why must I wait until I have done this before I can be attractive and interesting to the opposite sex?

I know this going to sound brutal, but you sound like you want the results without doing the hard bit.

To loose weight, you need to change what you eat. I don't mean diet in the sense of reducing your food intake so you are hungry. By changing what you eat, you can still eat and not feel hungry.

You put on fat by eating carbohydrates and you lose fat by eating fatty foods and protein. These will give you the full feeling of having eaten enough without the large bulk of carbohydrates that is required to achieve the same feeling. Do some research on the Atkins and Paleolithic diets.

By fats, I mean saturated fats, not hydrogenated vegetable oils - those are very bad for anyone.

A couple of hours of exercise a week would help but isn't as important as the diet aspect.

cnocbui

Firetrap wrote: »

Not being a man, I can't give you any insight into the way the male brain works but I get the impression from life/reading things/boards etc. that they do like the thinner lady. Not necessarily a bag of bones but still thin.

Research has shown that our preferences, in terms of female attractiveness, are probably innate and hard-wired. In other words, we can't help our preferences.

What is apparently of most importance is a visible 'waist'. Wikipedia has an article on physical attractiveness: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Physical_attractiveness#Waist-hip_ratio

Notwithstanding wide cultural differences in preferences for female build, scientists have discovered that the waist-hip ratio (WHR) of any build is very strongly correlated to attractiveness across all cultures.[29] Women with a 0.7 WHR (waist circumference that is 70% of the hip circumference) are usually rated as more attractive by men from European cultures. Such diverse beauty icons as Jessica Alba, Marilyn Monroe, Salma Hayek, Sophia Loren, and the Venus de Milo all have ratios around 0.7.[31

Otis Driftwood

cnocbui wrote: »

With those states, you have a body mass index of about 25.97. That is overweight. It sounds like you are loosing out in the initial selection process, which to a large extent is appearance driven, so no one is getting to the point of finding out your good qualities. I know that isn't 'fair', but life isn't.

I know this going to sound brutal, but you sound like you want the results without doing the hard bit.

To loose weight, you need to change what you eat. I don't mean diet in the sense of reducing your food intake so you are hungry. By changing what you eat, you can still eat and not feel hungry.

You put on fat by eating carbohydrates and you lose fat by eating fatty foods and protein. These will give you the full feeling of having eaten enough without the large bulk of carbohydrates that is required to achieve the same feeling. Do some research on the Atkins and Paleolithic diets.

By fats, I mean saturated fats, not hydrogenated vegetable oils - those are very bad for anyone.

A couple of hours of exercise a week would help but isn't as important as the diet aspect.

She is hardly obese in fairness and crash diets like Atkins isnt what she needs.

OP,you need to get into a routine of eating properly.Cutting out sugary foods,eating loads of fresh fruit and veg and getting regular exercise.

The fact you arent massively over weight by any stretch means that it can be as much a confidence issue as anything.If you are projecting an image of self conciousness then people will pick up on it.There is a thin line (no pun intended) between confidence and arrogance.

Previous girlfriends have been fuller figured but were confident in themselves which is a very attractive quality.

Try shifting a few pounds if you think thats what you need to make you happier.

Good luck to you.:)

CathyMoran

Firetrap wrote: »

If you think you need to lose two stone, now is a good time to start.

I am the same height as the OP and just under 8 stone - I look skeletal and everyone tries to get me to gain weight - I know that it is a healthy BMI I know that it is a healthy BMI but looking like a corpse is not an attractive look. The OP has stated that she has big boobs (as do I), these take up a bit of weight too!

OP, I was close to your weight once but was in a long term relationship - for me, I felt that I needed to loose the weight and did it for me (again, you should seek medical advice)...you can only do this for you - it is more of your attitude than your weight though. I do not think that bars are a good place to meet someone who is serious about getting to know someone - I may be wrong, but it seems like a cattle market to me - how about persuing a hobby and meeting people that way?

MIN2511

Meh... we women all have days like that, the thing is if it's your weight that is bothering start doing something about it.
Even if you don't lose as much as you want to, you'd start feeling better and it improves your self confidence

Tea_Bag

Well tbh, guys dont go into nightclubs looking for intellegent women, and you shouldnt have your hopes up in them. Find another way to get social. Have friends and their friends over for dinner or something.

I find it easier to meet up with girls, who have the same characteristics as me, when we're doing something we both enjoy ie SPORT or HOBBY or ACTIVITIES of any kind. a bonus is that joining a club for a sport i enjoy and people i like being around really motivates me and agrees well with any dietry plans and whatnot.

give it a try, whats the worst that could happen. i suggest swimming or kayaking or any water sports, cause it isnt hard on any joints and people are always pleasant to each other..

LegacyUser

Thanks to all for the replies.

I've felt so on my own with this one as it's something I'm too embarrassed to bring up with friends (none of whom are in the same situation) so it's great to be able to discuss it and get valuable advice.

I've definitely been procrastinating with the weight loss. I've had a few issues with weight down through the years and have found myself to have 'settled' at this higher weight and engaging in the classic yo-yo dieting cycle. I have a gym membership, walk a lot, do make an effort to eat healthily but it's like I'll lose half a stone and something in me panics or something, and I'll gain it all back again. I'm definitely an emotional eater. I've tried (even with the help of therapy at one stage) to get to the root of this, but am at the point where I'm beginning to think that's another form of procrastination - maybe I need to quit with the excuses, give myself a bit of tough love and just start to lose the weight.

I would definitely agree with the poster who said I'm missing out on the initial selection process. As I am quite short, I don't think I can carry the weight well, plus my boobs probably make me look even bigger. I'd be a DD cup, and I have a small frame. It's true though that it doesn't seem fair...sometimes I think I am deluded about myself because often I look at myself in the mirror and think I look great, nice curvy but attractive figure, and then I'll see a photo of myself and be in the horrors. And then I feel hard done by when I am not getting the same attention when I'm out...? It just doesn't add up.

Anyway I really feel like the time has come for me to change as this is making me utterly miserable.

Thanks again to all x

Salome

I really don't think that weight is the issue here - you seriously lack confidence in yourself and that is holding you back. Men don't go for the girl sitting with closed body language, who is not smiling and who probably looks downright uncomfortable being there.

You need to work on that before you work on anything else. If losing a bit of weight helps that, then go for it too.

turgon

What all the other posters are saying about weight loss is fine and all but I really dont think thats the central problem and that this is more about confidence. Or, to be more precise, projecting confidence. Theres a huge difference there.

Case in point: my girlfriend is undoubtedly the best looking out of all of her friends but she doesnt get as much male attention simply because she is slightly shy. On the other hand she has other friends, much uglier (and bearing the personality of corrugated cardboard) who have lots of guys drooling over them because they project this idea that they are all-confident and that they dont give a ****.

They actually care much much more for attention than my gf does, but the point is that they project this image that they dont. Now Im not suggesting anyone goes to the phoney levels that they do of having a double personality, but you must project some form of confidence.

Generally this means looking happy, having a bit of buzz, raising the volume slightly to be noticed. I know it sounds kind of phoney, but its not really. Just go out with an attitude to have a laugh and see what happens.

CathyMoran

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks to all for the replies.

I've felt so on my own with this one as it's something I'm too embarrassed to bring up with friends (none of whom are in the same situation) so it's great to be able to discuss it and get valuable advice.

I've definitely been procrastinating with the weight loss. I've had a few issues with weight down through the years and have found myself to have 'settled' at this higher weight and engaging in the classic yo-yo dieting cycle. I have a gym membership, walk a lot, do make an effort to eat healthily but it's like I'll lose half a stone and something in me panics or something, and I'll gain it all back again. I'm definitely an emotional eater. I've tried (even with the help of therapy at one stage) to get to the root of this, but am at the point where I'm beginning to think that's another form of procrastination - maybe I need to quit with the excuses, give myself a bit of tough love and just start to lose the weight.

I would definitely agree with the poster who said I'm missing out on the initial selection process. As I am quite short, I don't think I can carry the weight well, plus my boobs probably make me look even bigger. I'd be a DD cup, and I have a small frame. It's true though that it doesn't seem fair...sometimes I think I am deluded about myself because often I look at myself in the mirror and think I look great, nice curvy but attractive figure, and then I'll see a photo of myself and be in the horrors. And then I feel hard done by when I am not getting the same attention when I'm out...? It just doesn't add up.

Anyway I really feel like the time has come for me to change as this is making me utterly miserable.

Thanks again to all x

May be you could dress more appropriatly to your shape - my boobs are bigger than yours and I know that if I wore stuff that was not fitted I would look huge, it is hard to get stuff that fits on the bust and then goes in appropraitly but it can be done.

It is nice being chatted up, dont get me wrong but I always looked for serious relationships and never used pubs as a method of finding a man, my standards are higher than that - sure, looks are nice but it is personality and intelligence that count in the end of the day and you can not spot that in a pub. I did see my husband in college and yes I almost fell over as he was so my type (and we kept on bumping into one another but only said a few words to one another) but it was not until we seriously started chatting two years later that I realised that there might be something there...

The_Conductor

Ok- so you're pretty, with DD tits, nice eyes and hair, and you take time to present your self well- but your friends are getting chatted up and you think its to do with weight?

I'm going to give you a slightly different opinion on this one. I've not seen any pics of you- so I can't comment, but the description that you've given above would sound very attractive to any redblooded male.

When guys are out and they see a group of girls- contrary to popular belief- they are actually more likely to try to chatup the lesser attractive girls- as in their minds- they have a higher likelyhood of getting lucky. Far from 'not getting chatted up' being a total negative- it could in fact be a very underhanded acknowledgement on the part of the imbeciles chatting up your friends that they see you as being too good for them.........

Why do you feel you have zero prospects as far as your love life goes. The picture you've painted of yourself- sounds very nice indeed. You do sound as though you have very low self-confidence though- no doubt seeing your friends get chatted up doesn't help this.

Just what are you looking for though? Getting chatted up in a pub is an invitation for a drunken fumble or a one night stand- not a meaningful relationship.

I really think you should rethink the approach you are taking. If you really want to meet a nice guy and see what happens- look at meeting guys in a totally different, alcohol free, context- and meet other people for who they really are. I met my wife in the Science Fiction and Fantasy Society in UCD- and we get on like a house on fire. I've good friends who are both canoeing freaks- and married a couple of years on their third child.

Don't be put down by the silly alcohol related antics of your friends and their drunken chatups in pubs- bring a few of them along to social outings from a area of interest to you- and you'll see that you generate far more attention than they ever will!

You really need a confidence boost more than anything else- chin up girl- you sound lovely- but I think you just need a change of venue to meet some nice guys who will appreciate the real you!

July

smccarrick wrote: »

When guys are out and they see a group of girls- contrary to popular belief- they are actually more likely to try to chatup the lesser attractive girls- as in their minds- they have a higher likelyhood of getting lucky. Far from 'not getting chatted up' being a total negative- it could in fact be a very underhanded acknowledgement on the part of the imbeciles chatting up your friends that they see you as being too good for them.........

Interesting....

I know an attractive guy who intentionally chats up the lesser attractive girl/girls in a group. He says it drives the better looking girl/girls nuts and they start to make an effort with him!

LegacyUser

Correct me if I'm wrong - but the OP is not on here looking for advice on how to lose weight.
Why do people always feel the need to lecture others on their eating/exercise habits? I think it's rude and insulting. Just because someone is overweight does not mean they have no knowledge of healthy eating and exercise practices.

Anyways OP, your weight is not the issue. I have two friends who are big women - size 18 and size 22. They get LOTS of attention from men. They are never without boyfriends and also when out at the club they constantly have men -- goodlooking men - chatting them up.
They are also very confident. They accept who they are. They're fun and outgoing and this is what makes the difference. This makes them easy to talk to and therefore easy to approach.

When you're out you have to stop being self-involved - i.e. thinking about how you look, comparing yourself to others etc. Go out to have a good time...enjoy your friends and meet new people. That means chatting to anyone and everyone.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

From your description, it sounds like you could be describing my girlfriend and she's one of the most beautiful women I know. She is also very very sexy.

As I heard once (on Dr Phil or Oprah), "Sexy is as sexy does, not as sexy looks!" (paraphrased from Forrest Gump)

I think the difference is, she's confident in herself, and while she doesn't "chat up" people, she talks to everyone, she has no problem talking to random strangers, and I think that's what mainly attracted me to her in the first place.

Your insecurity seems to be your only downfall, EVERYONE is insecure but if you act on your insecurities it makes you less attractive. Your looks have nothing to do with it, if it was entirely based on looks, you don't sound like you'd have a problem being chatted up.

LegacyUser

OP - you could have been describing my nights out from a few years ago except for I dont have weight issues. I was extremely shy and just hung back when my friends were being chatted up - I felt like my shyness & lack of confidence radiated out of me to every man in the club and I used to feel so unattractive. I always felt the same as you at the end of the night when I was the one going home alone. Eventually I just realised that the club scene was not suited to me or my personality and started trying other places where I felt more at ease & my confidence grew from there. Your issues are not with your weight but with your confidence - spread your interests further than pubs & clubs and you will be much happier in yourself.

rantyface

You don't need to be told that being overweight is unattractive. If you know someone well it doesn't matter, they could fall for you anyway, but for getting chatted up in pubs it does matter.

I worked as a lounge girl in my teens. I was never chubby, but when I got very sick with a bad flu and my weight plummeted, I instantly got WAY more male attention like "you're a pretty little thing, aren't you!" and double the tips. I didn't get more confident at all, it was nothing to do with confidence for me. I was always shy as a 15/16 year old in a pub full of twenty somethings and the attention unnerved me.

On the other hand, it's not the be all and end all. I go to pubs and chat to people all the time and it never seems to me that the men are trying to score, normally people are just out for a laugh with someone new. I even get chatting to men when I'm with my boyfriend.

The fact that people aren't talking to you much really is just down to your lack of confidence. Think of a few interesting and funny stories about yourself that you can work into conversations. Laugh at other people's jokes. Small talk is actually a skill you have to work on.

LegacyUser

smccarrick wrote: »

Ok- so you're pretty, with DD tits, nice eyes and hair, and you take time to present your self well- but your friends are getting chatted up and you think its to do with weight?

I'm going to give you a slightly different opinion on this one. I've not seen any pics of you- so I can't comment, but the description that you've given above would sound very attractive to any redblooded male.

When guys are out and they see a group of girls- contrary to popular belief- they are actually more likely to try to chatup the lesser attractive girls- as in their minds- they have a higher likelyhood of getting lucky. Far from 'not getting chatted up' being a total negative- it could in fact be a very underhanded acknowledgement on the part of the imbeciles chatting up your friends that they see you as being too good for them.........

Thanks for the words of encouragement Smccarrick, but I don't think this is applicable to me unfortunately! In my experience it's the cute blonde one (one of my best friends) or pretty, slim brunette (another friend) that get the attention and I don't get a look in at all. So I can only theorise it's the most striking ones that get the attention, there's no deep analysis and deeper strategy going on where I am the 'too good' one that's consciously being avoided!

I couldn't possibly deny the fact that my confidence is on the floor, but I'm not sure how much this is playing a part to be honest. I'll never forget the brief time when I was a great deal slimmer, like two stone lighter due to an illness, and the attention I got was immense, even though I felt like crap and was far less outgoing than I am now. I'm great at small talk, you'll always catch me having a laugh on the dance floor, so I think I hide the incredible insecurities pretty well when I'm out.

But all the posts here have definitely made me think about this a lot more and thanks to the poster who said she realised that the club scene was just not suited to her personality. I've realised I feel this way too. I don't feel comfortable with the cattle mart vibe that you get in them and am thinking, given how I feel about myself, that they're best avoided for a while for me, or at least changing my expectations when I do go to them.

I guess I'm over reliant on them because I don't have many other avenues. I work ridiculously long hours and besides a few gym visits and walks every week, I haven't made the effort to pursue any other interests.

I used to play a lot of tennis when I was younger, so I'm thinking this is something I might get back into, and I do a bit of hiking too so I might look into that too and see if there are any clubs or meet up groups that I could join.

To be honest, I feel a bit crap about myself in general recently and this lack-of-love-life thing, which has been the case for bloody years and years (and I'm only 24!) is just all coming to a head and making me feel like I am dysfunctional or something. I don't know how to make myself available, and in my (ever so dramatic!) head I worry that if I don't crack this now, ten years will pass and the situation will be far more chronic than it is now.

I guess the bottom line is, I need to work on myself, but it's like in my head I can't figure out why despite all these relatively common problems I am having as regards insecurities and weight, I'm just not meeting anybody. Every woman I know has these issues, maybe to a far lesser extent, but I'm sure some have them as bad...what do they have that I don't that makes them attractive to the opposite sex regardless?

I feel like I have a lot to offer, I can list my positive attributes and I like who I am. I'm a good person! I just get a bit sad every so often at the idea that I just don't have anyone to share it with, or no-one's buying.

Maybe I am completely unapproachable? I guess my problem is that in my mind, it makes more sense that I am instead, just not unattractive. Logically I know this isn't true, but it's a mental barrier I face, pretty much every day.

Anyway thanks again to all for the insight. I'll get there in the end, I know that! x

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks to all for the replies.

I've felt so on my own with this one as it's something I'm too embarrassed to bring up with friends (none of whom are in the same situation) so it's great to be able to discuss it and get valuable advice.

I've definitely been procrastinating with the weight loss. I've had a few issues with weight down through the years and have found myself to have 'settled' at this higher weight and engaging in the classic yo-yo dieting cycle. I have a gym membership, walk a lot, do make an effort to eat healthily but it's like I'll lose half a stone and something in me panics or something, and I'll gain it all back again. I'm definitely an emotional eater. I've tried (even with the help of therapy at one stage) to get to the root of this, but am at the point where I'm beginning to think that's another form of procrastination - maybe I need to quit with the excuses, give myself a bit of tough love and just start to lose the weight.

I would definitely agree with the poster who said I'm missing out on the initial selection process. As I am quite short, I don't think I can carry the weight well, plus my boobs probably make me look even bigger. I'd be a DD cup, and I have a small frame. It's true though that it doesn't seem fair...sometimes I think I am deluded about myself because often I look at myself in the mirror and think I look great, nice curvy but attractive figure, and then I'll see a photo of myself and be in the horrors. And then I feel hard done by when I am not getting the same attention when I'm out...? It just doesn't add up.

Anyway I really feel like the time has come for me to change as this is making me utterly miserable.

Hi there. Nedtheshed made some good points above. "If you are projecting an image of self conciousness then people will pick up on it". Remember that us men are, sadly, primarily visual beings and we make instant judgements and choices based on looks.

You are in a vicious cycle. You are somewhat overweight, so you feel bad, so you eat to make yourself feel better, and it keeps you overweight ... and so on.

You really have to break the cycle and I personally believe you need some help to do it. I would suggest a weight loss support group. They are terrific. Also please don't fall back into dieting. Dieting does NOT work.
You need to change your lifestyle in a way that replaces eating with other things, otherwise it will all happen again. You need to get active physically and get busy in the evenings. You need to avoid those times when you tend to eat and replace them with other activities.

All the best !

trad mad

hey op, can u send me a private message, i'ld like to talk to you?

Wibbs

trad mad what is your reason for asking for a PM? This is not a dating site for a start and the OP wants to remain anon

entropi

Those "less than perfect ladies" you talk about OP, would be just about every female in the world. There is no such thing as perfect, just the perception of it. From your description i would say you are like most women i've seen, as in regular features on a woman. Talking about losing weight, if you want to achieve it was the first step...you just mentioned walking and gym there, well walking (at a brisk pace) is one of the best ways to do it. Use the gym to help this by asking an instructor to devise a program for your current needs and ability. Dont be afraid to lift some weights if asked, it will burn fat off and replace with a small amount of muscle, and a side order of new found confidence:) Good luck with your goals, i hope you achieve them:)

The_Conductor

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for the words of encouragement Smccarrick, but I don't think this is applicable to me unfortunately! In my experience it's the cute blonde one (one of my best friends) or pretty, slim brunette (another friend) that get the attention and I don't get a look in at all. So I can only theorise it's the most striking ones that get the attention, there's no deep analysis and deeper strategy going on where I am the 'too good' one that's consciously being avoided!

If I were single (I'm not), and randomly bumped into you (not in a bar/club)- I'd be thrilled to have a busty, intelligent, friendly girl chat to me! If you really think that Ms Blondie or Ms slim brunette are the extent of an average males attention span- you're very mistaken.

Unregistered wrote: »

I couldn't possibly deny the fact that my confidence is on the floor, but I'm not sure how much this is playing a part to be honest. I'll never forget the brief time when I was a great deal slimmer, like two stone lighter due to an illness, and the attention I got was immense, even though I felt like crap and was far less outgoing than I am now. I'm great at small talk, you'll always catch me having a laugh on the dance floor, so I think I hide the incredible insecurities pretty well when I'm out.

Whether you realise it or not- when your confidence is low- other people can subconsciously feel your unease, and feel ill at ease because of it. It can down to little things such as mannerisms- or the way you look away when someone looks at you. Despite the fact that you'd be over the moon were someone to approach you- and totally subconsciously- your body language can be screaming "Keep away from me"- even while your mind and your heart is pleading with someone to take interest in you. This is very obviously something that you are going to have to work on over time- but continuously putting yourself in the situation where your self confidence gets knocked back again and again- is very much not the way to go.

Unregistered wrote: »

But all the posts here have definitely made me think about this a lot more and thanks to the poster who said she realised that the club scene was just not suited to her personality. I've realised I feel this way too. I don't feel comfortable with the cattle mart vibe that you get in them and am thinking, given how I feel about myself, that they're best avoided for a while for me, or at least changing my expectations when I do go to them.

If your friends insist on meeting there- so be it- but go for a short period of time- for a drink (singular), not as a venue to socialise in, and enjoy yourself and your friends- but forget about everyone else there. I know its difficult to do this- when your friends are sending out 'available' signals to anything vaguely male- while your antenna are sending out a different message. It would be far better to meetup with them over coffee- you'd still be touching base with them- but without the jungle games of the bar/club scene.

Unregistered wrote: »

I guess I'm over reliant on them because I don't have many other avenues. I work ridiculously long hours and besides a few gym visits and walks every week, I haven't made the effort to pursue any other interests.

Cut back on your hours. There is more to life than work and money. You have to accept that life is short enough without tying yourself to a desk for a significant portion of it. Its only as we get older that we really appreciate the things that matter. Make time to do those things that matter to you. DO IT!!!

Unregistered wrote: »

I used to play a lot of tennis when I was younger, so I'm thinking this is something I might get back into, and I do a bit of hiking too so I might look into that too and see if there are any clubs or meet up groups that I could join.

Tennis is good- but its not ideal for getting to meet a diverse group of people. Its a good start- but only the first step. You need to add more into your 'you time' schedule- to do the things you like to do- and as you do those things- get to meet other people who also enjoy doing the things that you like to do........???

Unregistered wrote: »

To be honest, I feel a bit crap about myself in general recently and this lack-of-love-life thing, which has been the case for bloody years and years (and I'm only 24!) is just all coming to a head and making me feel like I am dysfunctional or something. I don't know how to make myself available, and in my (ever so dramatic!) head I worry that if I don't crack this now, ten years will pass and the situation will be far more chronic than it is now.

You're not dysfunctional. You've tied yourself up in knots- with a hectic work schedule and you only ever meet your friends in pubs/clubs where you see them pulling guys left right and centre- and get depressed because its not you. Its not you- really it isn't. Its the situation you've placed yourself in. You are now at the stage where you can seriously profit by sitting down and deciding your life is going to change and how its going to change. Don't actively go looking for a guy- just for the sake of getting a guy- sure, you'll have no problem finding one (or indeed several)- but as you're posting in this forum- I'm guessing its more a meaningful relationship with a nice guy who would treat you right and be good for you- that you have in mind- than it is a one night stand with some fool you've picked up in a nightclub. There are nice guys out there- who would be over the moon to have the luck to meet somone like you. They just don't tend to hang out in the local nightclub.......

Unregistered wrote: »

I guess the bottom line is, I need to work on myself, but it's like in my head I can't figure out why despite all these relatively common problems I am having as regards insecurities and weight, I'm just not meeting anybody. Every woman I know has these issues, maybe to a far lesser extent, but I'm sure some have them as bad...what do they have that I don't that makes them attractive to the opposite sex regardless?

Yes- you are insecure and lacking in confidence. No- its not unusual. No- there is nothing whatsoever wrong with you. No- your weight is not an issue- though it is probably feeding into those insecurities that you have. What makes Ms Slim Brunette- or Ms Bubbly Blonde attractive to the opposite sex- nothing really- they are the sterotypical party girls one expects to find in the club/bar- you are out of the ordinary- and doing yourself absolutely no justice by trying to emulate whatever it is that these two hussys are selling........ Its a whole load of factors- no one thing on its own- but most red blooded male would give his right arm to have a cute little 5'2" girl with DD tits, green eyes, lovely long dark hair- interested in them. I'm not lying- you sound like every mans dream.

Unregistered wrote: »

I feel like I have a lot to offer, I can list my positive attributes and I like who I am. I'm a good person! I just get a bit sad every so often at the idea that I just don't have anyone to share it with, or no-one's buying.

You make it sound like you have to desperately sell yourself somehow. Don't. Go enjoy yourself- take time out to do the things you enjoy to do- and see who you bump into while having fun doing your things. Don't go out man-hunting, seriously don't- go and enjoy yourself. When you least expect it you'll find someone who you can be 'you' with, and who will appreciate you for who you are.

Unregistered wrote: »

Maybe I am completely unapproachable? I guess my problem is that in my mind, it makes more sense that I am instead, just not unattractive. Logically I know this isn't true, but it's a mental barrier I face, pretty much every day.

Anyway thanks again to all for the insight. I'll get there in the end, I know that! x

No-one is unapproachable. Sometimes we send out conflicting signals- our hearts and minds can scream one thing- but our body language and demeanor another. It can very much be a case of trying too hard. Stop trying- seriously- relax- go have fun, and don't expect or try to percipitate anything. When you least expect it- you will meet someone for you.

S.