The War Begins?

LegacyUser

Well okay, maybe not a relationship war per se at all! Just a figure of speech in this case.

Been with my current GF for a good few months now, plain sailing till now very recently really. But lately I can't help but feel she is almost for lack of a better word, probing my boundaries, seeing how far she can push it and I almost feel like she is wrestling for control/dominance of the relationship/me!. Seems to be escalating. and to be quite honest, my gut is starting to detect the slightest signs of bunny boiler territory. [Arguments over small things, withholding intimacy for short periods, making comments designed to provoke a reaction.]

Relationship is mostly great, most of the time except for these new..habits. Now I hold my ground [most of the time!]. But it's starting to get quite, combative at times. Is it possible to stop/work past this? Or have I just stumbled upon a bunny boiler in the making..?

Wibbs

Possibly, or she's just probing your boundaries as part of her selection process. Every woman I've gone out with has done this to some degree or other. Bear in mind this is just my experience and it could be just the women I've been with and doubtless men do it to, but since I don't go out with men... I will say I've seen women mates of mine do it to their partners too, while they've never done it with me as a friend.

Anyway IMHO, if it's not a serious topic for conversation or an actual discussion, then don't bend to it. It seems like a plan at the time, but it usually has the opposite effect than the one you want. Don't rise to it either. Don't lose your cool. Really bad plan. If she tries to push your buttons ignore it and calmly change the subject. If she ramps it up, acknowledge it, try to difuse it with humour, but back away, even leave if she really winds it up. Explain calmly to her why you're leaving.

Using sex as a bargaining tool is not on. If that was consistent in a relationship, I would walk TBH. That rarely gets better and usually gets worse.

prinz

Inexperianced! wrote: »

Arguments over small things

Like Wibbs said this can happen, particularly at he beginning of a relationship, when little things like bad habits or whatever bug you both, and sometimes you can get testy with each other, usually a lot of little things build up over time and one tiny insignificant thing can lead to a weeks worth of tongue-holding being unleashed.Once, twice, three times...pass it off, and move on. If it's a regular occurrence then that has to stop. And if it's not a mutual thing that you have both engaged in, i.e. she frequently makes arguments out of nothing.... that has to stop. Perhaps it's her way of garnering attention but it's not conducive to a healthy relationship

Inexperianced! wrote: »

withholding intimacy for short periods

Not on. This only serves to reinforce a feeling of distance between you. Again possibly a tactic to get attention.

Inexperianced! wrote: »

making comments designed to provoke a reaction.

Definitely not helpful. If this is all her doing she needs to snap out of it tbh, it seems to be a childish, selfish and unhealthy way of getting your attention. All the hallmarks of daddy's princess who likes having her own way and is used to getting it. Time to remind her a relationship is about equals. If you're both engaging in the behaviour above then you both need to cop on, or your relationship is on thin ice.

Toots

Wibbs wrote: »

Using sex as a bargaining tool is not on. If that was consistent in a relationship, I would walk TBH. That rarely gets better and usually gets worse.

+1, this would be an absolute deal breaker for me. I've seen a few of my male friends in relationships where they'd literally have to jump through hoops to get any. And more shockingly, a few of my female friends who have used this tactic fail to see anything wrong with it!

It sounds to me like she's pretty immature, pushing some boundaries is like something a child does with their parents. Have ye talked about this? If I were you I'd have a chat and tell her straight out how you're feeling, and let her know it's not on. If she continues behaving this way after you've talked I'd say you've got a bit of a bunny boiler on your hands.

LegacyUser

Not a full blown *proper* conversation about it, no. I have tried to nip it in the bud by playing it cool and on a single occasion after much baiting I rose to it a bit [Got visibly pissed off and gave her a bit of lip, should have left and considered it, but preferred the verbal route..]. I also thought in the heat of the moment, maybe she just wanted to see if I had some balls and would not be walked over..?

Not above a bit of immaturity myself now I should probably mention, but not to this degree or consistency!

..I should also note she has started to throw little slaps and pushes about, nothing major, softly push her back on occasion, playful slaps and pushes I don't mind, but something tells me some of them ain't so playful in the context!

Wibbs

Inexperianced! wrote: »

Not a full blown *proper* conversation about it, no. I have tried to nip it in the bud by playing it cool and on a single occasion after much baiting I rose to it a bit [Got visibly pissed off and gave her a bit of lip, should have left and considered it, but preferred the verbal route..]. I also thought in the heat of the moment, maybe she just wanted to see if I had some balls and would not be walked over..?

Not above a bit of immaturity myself now I should probably mention, but not to this degree or consistency!

..I should also note she has started to throw little slaps and pushes about, nothing major, softly push her back on occasion, playful slaps and pushes I don't mind, but something tells me some of them ain't so playful in the context!

First off the slaps are not such a good sign.

As for not being walked over, the best way IMHO to show that is by not rising to it at all. Calmly make your point and leave it at that. If she pushes more, then walk away until she stops.

Some women like drama in a relationship it make them feel important.

There's not a lot you can do about its a learned behaviour. The best thing you can do is stay calm and neutral then tell her these things are her issues be supportive but don't get sucked in to pointless arguments that you know aren't going to get resolved,

Sarah W

Have you asked her straight out if she is happy in the relationship? Perhaps she's trying to say something but can't find the words. On the other hand if she is just trying to wind you up then walking away (from the situation) might make her question what she's playing at.

And slaps, either way (unless in complete jest) are a really bad sign.

LegacyUser

I have lightly discussed the issue, yes. As far as I know, she is happy for all intents. Thinking myself that perhaps the honeymoon period is just over?

Rather bad timing as well, before this started I was rather rattled over a personal issue already that she is not aware of and id rather not discuss, suffice to say the timing could be better and if she does persist, I can imagine a situation where rather then walking away or dealing with it in a calm manner, ill blow a gasket!

Toots

Well then you need to lay it on the line with her. Explain that if she keeps pushing and pushing you will eventually react badly. If she is unaware that she's doing this so much and has any cop on, then she should stop once you explain how this is affecting you. If she's keeps continually pushing you to the point you feel you're going to blow a gasket, whether it's intentional on her part or not, then you're probably better off without her.

LegacyUser

she's either:

extremely insecure
bored (trying to bring in the drama)

None of the above justify the reaction but alot of the time can be the driving cause.

Boredom-when you are not sure if you feel the same passion and you try to provoke passion and drama
extremely insecure-she prob doesnt love herself alot and is trying to draw you out to see if you would stay etc. this is wrong and she shouldn't need to. nothing will stop her confounding her own beliefs about herself.

she can't wait to shout," seeeee!!! i knew you wouldn't last, you weak selfish etc"

You need to look her in the eye, tell her she needs to get real and you're willing to provide all the space she needs for that. you're not walking away per se but you want to be an adult relationship with someone. she needs to decide if she wants to play that role, coz that;s the one you agreed to. you will subject yourself or be subjected to ridicule.

man up.

LegacyUser

I disagree with some of the sentiments expressed above - no reason you should have accomodate her or be the "bigger person" here. It's not ok "just" because she's "only" testing your boundaries. Just call her on it. Sit her down, point it out, and lay it out that it's not on. She either cops on to herself (great), or she doesn't; in which case you are better off rid of her anyway.

LegacyUser

I should say now, I have called her on it now. My gut feeling is she will cut back for a bit, but whether it will last, I have my doubts.

I did outline in the early stages, I would not become the lapdog BF and have my own standards, so who knows, maybe she is testing the waters as allot of her friends seem to have there boyfriends..for a lack of a better term..whipped.

Or it could be boredom. [Funny enough, the more she acts like this, the less effort I put in and time for her, so a tad counter productive then!].

SarahSassy

Do you really need thsi crap?