Another post for another post breakup advice!

SunInDublin

And yes, here's another post for post-breakup opinion...

I have posted before, and it's sure is nice to hear opinions, even if its not what you want to hear, just not alone it this is good enuff!!

Well i have tried and tried and tried the only effective way to move on, the so called "cut off all contact"..and I have been good in the way that I am not messenging him, texting him or calling him....but i reply like an idiot!!! whenever he does i cant seem to not reply, i have him under my skin, seriously, he is an addiction! we broke up 6 months ago, or he did should i say, because of age difference, im 11 years older than him...long story short he doesnt seem to be able to move on, always telling me i do not understand that he too is hurting about not being with me, that he still misses and loves me so much..etc..but in the end our gap is too much for him, i guess some people just dont care but at 25 its true he has loads of things to do ahead, move away maybe for a year...i let him go, i understood as much as it was hard i couldnt chain him to stay with me!

SO it has been 6 months now, not seen eachother but text and emails, 2 weeks ago things changed a bit, he actually call an evening saying he needed to talk to me and we met up at my place, and long story short he says he panicked, that i wouldnt be just a gf cos I am THE one for him and that unfortunately he is just not ready for the commitment at this time in life..and that he hates that!! anyway, drinks were involved and we spend the night!! YEAH! me! who always vowed to NEVER ever sleep with an ex, ready all the posts bout it and knowing damn well it doesnt change things....but i still did....only because he said he would want to try again...i felt for it.
Anyway, next morning i told him i wouldnt have slep with him if he hadnt say that to me, that i felt influence a bit, but, it takes 2 so i was taking responsability for my actions too. cant blame him totally, he didnt force me!
Anyway, he promised to try to stay away no matter how hard it would be....i believed this time it was for real, thinking, ok he got what he wanted, we slept together, sure i wont hear from him....
Until the next day when he messaged me on yahoo again...trying to discuss it all again, we were sober so much better conversation...left it at still miss you, im confused.etc..
til last friday!!!! and again, he called and really want to talk with me!
i was home chilling, not drinking so totally in control this time, told him i had enough chat last weekend and was in no mood to discuss it all again, we were not together, we were not getting back together, age stuff...etc..DONE!
well he came over and we talked bout his family (hes adopted and know his birth parents etc) long story..so we chatted bout it again etc..
he then said, he tried to forget me, he tried to stop his feelings for me, that when he doesnt talk with me he physically hurts, that he cant stop thinking of me, that he doesnt want to be without me and he wants me back!!! waow...told him i wasnt sure, he said this before...he said he was learning bout himself now, getting to know his birth parents more, and that when we were together his friends were starting to talk (slagging him i guess and stuff, other talked bout kids etc.) and he said he got affected , got worry and self conscience bout what people would think or his friends would think etc..i met his family back then, they loved me, his friends too, i dont look my age at all so it helps and i never pressure him for anythign at all...but he said he now was leanring to stop worrying bout all this and wanted me. he knows how i feel bout him, we both know there is that bond between us that we cant seem to break, cant explain.

he stayed over but he didnt go furhter than kiss, i told him i didnt want and i wanted to make that weekend bout us back together not sex. he agreed. askd him to confirm all he said the night before sober the next day, he did. we had a nice time til he went home.
A day went on, some chat over text, i was happy but still very careful rightfully obviously.

but then by tuesday i wasnt feeling it, dont know why, i cant explain, call it my guts maybe, i started to get feel that he changed his mind, again!!!

he was not texting to say hi or anything oreven to make plans for the weekend or something..so of course i got more worry and figured that i wasnt the one asking to get back in the first place, if he wants to hear from me he can call....but i decided to call him and be straight forward, no way i was getting myself into this and be patient and wait etc..i asked him if there was any doubts in his mind or change of heart, whatever, to tell me and not "play dead" and be honest with me, that i derserved respect. he said that he was just tired (half 10 at night) and that he just wanted to go to bed and wouldnt be in a good company on the phone thats all.

well yesterday i decided to email him, short one, and said that pretty much i was feeling played and that as oppose to him i wasnt into games.
that my reason for email was that i was treating people the way i wanted to be treated thats all.

he replied he wasnt playing games and that he was busy in work and in no mood to get into it!

I obviously havent reply to that....whats the point, its clear again his mind has changed, god knows what happened, one day he wants me the next something is probably said again around him and he changes again...god knows!! (PS. i know there isnt anyone else for sure before you think that)

All i did his contact him cos for me be clear on the situation was important, i didnt want to be hanging.., and i wont chase him, i never have and never will, he doesnt want me then fine, i will have to move on.
he obviously cant commit, dont know if its because hes adopted or whatever.

I guess i would like to hear from anyone who would have been in that situation or similar, no all relationship are the same i know that but hearing from other people that been through something like this would help move on.
i have a feeling this time i wont hear from him again, now he seems mad that i told him he was playing games i can feel that its enough for him now not to contact me anymore. So move on now should be easier i guess, although im dragging it cos all my feelings for him i was trying to stop and forget and move on are back to the surface now! im telling you, i have him under my skin!! going out with friends, working, going to the gym doesnt help!!!

thanks for reading that far, much appreciated!

Karen_*

If he wanted to be with you he would be. No if's buts or excuses. He wants it finished but is afraid that he's made a mistake or of having noone to be nuts about him. Because it is kind of nice to have an admirer really.

He's playing games. And if that annoys him that you say that then tell him that if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck its because it IS a duck. He's playing games!

You're the one but he's not ready to commit apparently. Well tell him to come back when he's ready and take his chances that you're still around.

Move on OP. I know he doesn't want you to but do it anyway.

LegacyUser

SunInDublin wrote: »

went out last year and got myself a toyboy as you might say for one night, a 22 (when i was 34) then of course we hooked a few more times until i nicely said there was no going further, for obvious reasons..age really.

here is your problem, you should have known better he is a child and you are a grown woman, have more cop on in future.

at 22 meeting an older woman is hot, but it has no future, he is caught up in the thrill of it, act your age and never contact him again.

LegacyUser

I wont be as harsh as the last post!

I don't think age should be an issue in relationships, if you get along, love each other.. have chemistry etc..than why not. Age is just a number!
he might be too immature to deal wih it thats's all, but I know people with age difference and they are very happy.

I had an ex once that I thought was perfect, really, and could not stop contacting him from time to time, but it was looking back, for reassurance he was still around for me i think. Until one day we had an argument and it was a click for me to move on and stop contacting him, maybe that's the case for your situation, if he thought you were so perfect for him, that issue you had this week and his reaction could be a push for him to move on from you, like now you are not that perfect to his eyes. i don't know my guess.

My opinion would be: you won't know until you actually stop complete contact for a while with him, stop being there whenever he makes a move....see what happens, maybe he will realized what he has lost and wake up to finally make a decision for himself, be with our without you, or maybe he will move on!

In any case, take that time to move yourself!!! don't wait on him, if it's meant you end up with him it will happens but not until you move on. Curiously enough.

Good luck to you

LegacyUser

I don't think he's necessarily playing games, but rather not behaving in the way you want him to or think he should. The effect is pretty much the same though, you're already vexed and become moreso because he keeps 'disappointing' you relative to your expectations of how you think he should act or how you want him to act. This relationship is obviously fractured, and much as it may hurt you, maybe not worth saving.

I was in a similar situation about 6 months go, on-off with the most amazing (younger!) guy who really 'got' me and when we were good we were very very good! I felt to be with someone older at his age (he was very early 20s, I'm late 20s) wouldn't be fair so I suggested we cool it a little bit, not because I didn't care about him but because I did care about him and didn't want to hold him back. We broke up amicably initially, but kept to-ing and fro-ing to each other (not unlike yourself and your man), with me becoming increasingly frustrated at his behaviour (similar to your man's) to the point where the last remnants of our relationship became bitter and angry. Right after we first broke up we had endless heart-to-heart conversations, about being 'the one' for each other, it being right person wrong time, and how maybe one day we'd get back on track (we both hoped so at the time). Lately though we haven't talked in months, the last time we did we had a huge argument, and I doubt we'll ever be friends again.

Do I miss him? Every day. I hope with time it will get better! He has a girlfriend his own age now and they look very happy together, so I think things turned out the way they were meant to in a roundabout way. My advice would be that this is going from bad to worse and you either push it downhill as far as it will go to the point where you can't even speak to each other, or you make a clean break now so you at least have the memories and the potential to be friends.

The choice is yours.

Wagon

Personally Sun, i wouldn't bother my arse. The chap seems all over the place and i agree with Karen on this one

If he wanted to be with you he would be. No if's buts or excuses. He wants it finished but is afraid that he's made a mistake or of having noone to be nuts about him. Because it is kind of nice to have an admirer really.

From what I've often seen with situations like these, he'll use you for a handy shag and when he sees someone better he'll follow his willy and chase after them for a while. and when that doesn't work, it's right back to you. Again, both genders just as guilty of this.

So cut all contact. It's better for both of you in the long run. you just need to take the first step.