Advice on whether to chase or not

LegacyUser

Long story short, my gf broke up with me a couple of days ago after a happy 4 years together. I felt it was out of the blue but I probably should have seen it coming. The last couple of months havent been the best.

Anyway I was talking to one of my friends and she suggested that I surprise her at her house with flowers. One last try to restart things. I dont know if it'll work and I'd just like to know what other boarders think of the idea.

thanks

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

Long story short, my gf broke up with me a couple of days ago after a happy 4 years together. I felt it was out of the blue but I probably should have seen it coming. The last couple of months havent been the best.

Anyway I was talking to one of my friends and she suggested that I surprise her at her house with flowers. One last try to restart things. I dont know if it'll work and I'd just like to know what other boarders think of the idea.

thanks

I'd say it's the last thing she'd want and probably drive her off even more

Wibbs

Chances are she's been thinking about this for a while. Probably months ago. I'd say at the start of the "last couple of months" of "not the best". It has built up in her and the last few months were her coming to terms with it. In my experience just before the not the best stuff there is a particular straw that breaks the camels back. Looking back with every ex I've had I can usually pinpoint it. The rest was downhill.

I'm not saying it was all consciously done or planned either, but stuff built up until one day, even one moment she just wasn't feeling it and looked at you differently. Then the sex tails off, the plans for the future are quietly shelved and she looks for a way out. When the balance of wanting to leave tips her balance of staying and the guilt and affection she feels for you the breakup happens.

You describe it out of the blue, but it very rarely is(unless with nutjobs). I think men tend to do this more IMHO. They get into the status quo and figure well she said she loved me so that must mean forever kinda thing. It takes work on both sides and an acknowledgement of work too. Again IMHO both men and women's love is conditional. Womens is conditional on more of a "have we a future now that the early romantic phase is over". If they feel the answer is no, then they leave.

So now you want to try a romantic one last ditch effort? It very very rarely works. It only works if she doesn't actually want to leave and it's an argument and she figures by leaving temporarily you might see it. I doubt this is the case here. Not at the 4 year mark anyway.

I doubt it'll work in this case. The only thing that might is to give her space. Give her the chance to miss you. IMHO you should move on. Restart your life, meet other women, get back out there. If there is any love left in her, then she will seek you out down the line, but life is too short to rely on that. If not then you've started the healing and moving on process that will come regardless what you do. This way you get a head start.

LegacyUser

That was one frame of mind I was in.

The other was that "this might work. Go and win her back" kind of thing.

Sephiroth_dude

Just leave her be as someone else said you'll probbly just drive her away even more,give her some time and space.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

Chances are she's been thinking about this for a while. Probably months ago. I'd say at the start of the "last couple of months" of "not the best". It has built up in her and the last few months were her coming to terms with it. In my experience just before the not the best stuff there is a particular straw that breaks the camels back. Looking back with every ex I've had I can usually pinpoint it. The rest was downhill.

I'm not saying it was all consciously done or planned either, but stuff built up until one day, even one moment she just wasn't feeling it and looked at you differently. Then the sex tails off, the plans for the future are quietly shelved and she looks for a way out. When the balance of wanting to leave tips her balance of staying and the guilt and affection she feels for you the breakup happens.

You describe it out of the blue, but it very rarely is(unless with nutjobs). I think men tend to do this more IMHO. They get into the status quo and figure well she said she loved me so that must mean forever kinda thing. It takes work on both sides and an acknowledgement of work too. Again IMHO both men and women's love is conditional. Womens is conditional on more of a "have we a future now that the early romantic phase is over". If they feel the answer is no, then they leave.

So now you want to try a romantic one last ditch effort? It very very rarely works. It only works if she doesn't actually want to leave and it's an argument and she figures by leaving temporarily you might see it. I doubt this is the case here. Not at the 4 year mark anyway.

I doubt it'll work in this case. The only thing that might is to give her space. Give her the chance to miss you. IMHO you should move on. Restart your life, meet other women, get back out there. If there is any love left in her, then she will seek you out down the line, but life is too short to rely on that. If not then you've started the healing and moving on process that will come regardless what you do. This way you get a head start.

Great reply. Very useful.

you're completely right. This wasnt an argument we had and it was something she has been planning for a while. One of her biggest problems was a future together. Due to both of our university commitments in different ends of the country there probably wouldn't be a time in the next 5 years that we would be living close to each other.

I dont think I'll try the singing to her window jazz. My life is far from a Hollywood movie. Have to hope that she misses me half as much as I miss her. She's been everything to me for the last 4 years. I cant imagine my life without her.

anyway enough of the rambling. Thanks for you help.