Seeking long distance online relationship advice

LegacyUser

I'm 24 and have been seeing a girl in Ireland for almost 4 years. We currently live at opposite ends of the country.
Things have not been great for quite some time. I feel she does not like anything about me. Anything she can use to complain, she will. Our careers and interests are very different.

Recently I joined a small social networking website and unexpectedly got chatting to a girl in the US. She is 18, but does appear to have her head screwed on a damn sight better than most girls my own age.
In little over a month we have become very close, video chatting for 3-4 hours on skype each day along with messaging.

I seem to be much more closely matched with her than with my current girlfriend, our interests and ambitions seem more aligned and there is a great deal of physical attraction too.

We have even talked about me moving to the US. While this may sound silly, it could well be a good career step given my industry and the girl has one potentially amazing contact.
She is well aware of my current relationship situation.

Basically I would like to get peoples views on this, especially anyone who has had similar experiences, if there is anyone here.

LegacyUser

I must add that I have tried to work things out with my current girlfriend.
We've had numerous serious conversations about our issues, but none have made any long term difference to things. I am often left feeling that I am the bad guy, for no clearly apparent reason. I am somewhat forgetful (not birthdays, anniversaries etc.), but that is part of who I am.

Otis Driftwood

You have been chatting to an 18 year old in America for a month and you are talking about moving over there?

Again,you have been chatting to an 18 year old in America for a month and you are talking about moving over there?


Seriously mate,stop and think about it for a second.You would even consider moving to another country for someone you have never met and who is for all intents and purposes still a child?No offence but come on,have a bit of sense will you.

As for your current GF,things are obviously not well there so you need to get that sorted,ie end it if you are unhappy.

Mrs Shankly

Hi OP,

From what I suspect, it seems to me that this girl in the States is a distraction, a bit of escapism.

Yet, what you need to do is address the issues with your girlfriend- You both need to decide whether you have a future, or whether its going nowhere....

I'm not sure that talking about moving over is the wisest move either- what do you know about this girl other than the online chats and skyping? If you really want to move over to the States for work or other reasons, then fire ahead-I just think if you were going over for this girl alone, it would be disastrous- away from the online chats, she might be a different person in the real world- Imagine if you moved all the way over there for her, only to discover that?

I think the real issue here is that the situation with your girlfriend needs to be addressed- The thing with this girl is preventing you from having to think about your GF, if that makes any sense.

Best of Luck

Ruu_Old

I would think long and hard before moving anywhere, grass isn't always greener so to speak. Even if you apply for a visa it could take a long time and is it not cheap. No matter how good your qualifications are, you will find it difficult to get a job in any field (I know, I moved from Ireland 4 years ago). You may want to rethink things, maybe go over for a few weeks for starters if you are really serious about moving.

Agreed 100% with Mrs Shankly, sort it out with your current relationship.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm 24 and have been seeing a girl in Ireland for almost 4 years. We currently live at opposite ends of the country.
Things have not been great for quite some time. I feel she does not like anything about me. Anything she can use to complain, she will. Our careers and interests are very different.

Recently I joined a small social networking website and unexpectedly got chatting to a girl in the US. She is 18

I thought about this for a while before I responded. In my view I think you should look at yourself a little closer before you take any decisions. You have spent four years "seeing" a girl at the other end of the country ... yet it has been broken for "quite some time" .... what kind of relationship is that ? I am not being critical.. just rhetorical, because it sounds like a very dysfunctional situation. Then bingo you dive into a web relationship with a kid in the US....

Is this a pattern ? Why are you not seeing anyone within, say, 20 miles of where you actually live ? I see some major "issues" for you here my friend and I would suggest to you that neither this kid nor anyone else so far away is going to fix things for you.
My advice is to get back to basics and start socialising more, join a club, going out with friends and meeting people. Start a relationship with a real woman who you see every week. Let things happen.

All the best.

LegacyUser

Mrs Shankly wrote: »

From what I suspect, it seems to me that this girl in the States is a distraction, a bit of escapism.

That is right to some extent, and I would say it's the same for her.
It comes at a very unfortunate time as this girl is going for major surgery in a few days time. I have indulged in this escapism and made her very attached to me.

Mrs Shankly wrote: »

Yet, what you need to do is address the issues with your girlfriend- You both need to decide whether you have a future, or whether its going nowhere....

I plan to do that this weekend.

Mrs Shankly wrote: »

I'm not sure that talking about moving over is the wisest move either- what do you know about this girl other than the online chats and skyping? If you really want to move over to the States for work or other reasons, then fire ahead-I just think if you were going over for this girl alone, it would be disastrous- away from the online chats, she might be a different person in the real world- Imagine if you moved all the way over there for her, only to discover that?

While we have discussed some long term theoretical things, it would be at least 18 months until I made any move over there. We have talked about me visiting for a few weeks at the end of this summer.

As odd as it may seem I've talked to a few of her friends and even said hi to her mum.

Thank you for your response, it's helped me to clear my mind a bit.

I've put myself in a very difficult position. Both women are friends with me on one of the main social networking sites.
If the American is upset by what I have to say there is nothing to stop her telling my girlfriend.

LegacyUser

VaioCruiser wrote: »

I thought about this for a while before I responded. In my view I think you should look at yourself a little closer before you take any decisions. You have spent four years "seeing" a girl at the other end of the country ... yet it has been broken for "quite some time" .... what kind of relationship is that ? I am not being critical.. just rhetorical, because it sounds like a very dysfunctional situation. Then bingo you dive into a web relationship with a kid in the US....

Myself and my girlfriend did live much closer before, even lived together at one point.
She moved for study and then work.

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Is this a pattern ? Why are you not seeing anyone within, say, 20 miles of where you actually live ? I see some major "issues" for you here my friend and I would suggest to you that neither this kid nor anyone else so far away is going to fix things for you.
My advice is to get back to basics and start socialising more, join a club, going out with friends and meeting people. Start a relationship with a real woman who you see every week. Let things happen.

That is a bit wide of the mark I would say. I haven't gone looking for long distance relationships, my current one just became one.
Previously I have gone out with local girls, although without any great success.

LegacyUser

Hi,
By the sounds of it this relationship your in is going nowhere fast and you are unhappy. You purposely went on this site to find and speak to other women right? So you are probably feeling lonley and are not having your needs met by your current GF as Im sure is no news to you.
The first thing you need to do is get out of this unhappy relationship. You know its not right for you, set yourself free. Aside from anything else, this you need to do.
Secondly you sound like you are caught in a kind of infatuation with this other girl from the US. You dont know somebody untill you meet them in my opinion. She may say all the right things at the moment and you are getting caught up in these romantic ideas of going to america and starting a wonderfull life with her.........we all know this isnt reality. Im not saying shes not a nice girl I dont know her,or you, but I think youve become carried away with the whole thing. Leave your current Gf and get your life back into perspective. You cannot assess how you really feel untill you are single. This girl seems amazing in comparason to your current GF but thats not how you judge a person.......take a step back man,this is all not real untill u sort your current relationship out.

LegacyUser

Things should become clearer after this weekend. I'll be talking to my girlfriend about this.

I've spoken provisionally with the American about coming to spend a week or 2 with her, as a trial run of sorts.
I'm being realistic about the relationship. It could be an absolute train wreck, but then again it could be amazing.

If I didn't at least give this a try I could spend the rest of my life asking myself "what if?"
We get on amazingly well and have very similar views on religion, politics and relationship and also have a lot in common.
The career opportunities could quite possibly make this worthwhile, even if the relationship isn't as good as expected.

Xiney

You are planning the possibility of a "trial run" of a relationship with another woman while you are currently in a relationship?

This is hugely disrespectful to your current girlfriend.

Break up with her, THEN resume activities of picking up women online.

Barracudaincork

IMO i think you should break up with your current girlfriend, from what i can tell she feels the same, but neither of you are brave enough to make the move to end it. Thats normal, but thats no excuse too, you have to bite the bullet on this one. Fighting with each other over the next few months because you are too afraid to end it, will only cause a messier break up in the long run.

As for the American girl, she is only 18 and going by the fact you are with your girlfriend for 4 years and used to live together im guessing your in your mid 20s at least, what i see regarding this girl is not only a cultural difference but an age one too. You say she sounds smart etc but seriously you chatting to her Mum and her friends smells of a giddy teenager to me, so she mightnt be as mature as you think.

I also think you need to realise that your girlfriend may see this as you cheating on her, ok not physically but emotionally as your talking about a future with this girl. Everyone has their own levels of what they define as cheating, you will know your girlfriends' and if you have crossed the line or not.

I think you need time by yourself before you enter any other kind of relationship, you sound confused about life and time by yourself will help focus what you want and how you are going to go about attaining those goals. Dont be a relationship hopper!

LegacyUser

i though i could make long distance work-i feel in love with a guy living in Boston one summer-did long distance for two years-i was lucky i am a teacher and could visit often and he came over here all the time too cas he was self employed-
my questions would be -could you definatately live there forever cas that was the deal breaker for us-i thought he would move here-i also thought i might even move over there for good but i realised how hard it is to get a 'engaged visa' and then wait for a marriage visa and the money it would cost-i thought about it and realised i would be baby sitting him if he came over here-it would take so long to settle in cas of the work and cultural differences and it would be the same for me over there-we broke up and never regretted it but that is just my story-think long term-america is a great opportunity but.................