Marraige problems-seeing solicitor about seperation & haven't told husband.

LegacyUser

I just want to see what other people think and value honest opinions. We are married 8 years and have 2 kids and both in our early 30's. We are having problems for some time now. There is no closeness anymore and it's like we just live together for the kids and we don't have big arguements as it's not fair to do that with young kids around. His family are a big problem, sticking their noses into our marraige once they get a whiff of a problem and the gas thing is they are the most 2 faced hypocrites ever. He runs to mammy far to often and it's so annoying, she is an opinionated bully.
Anyway, things are just crap between us and I am very unhappy for a long time and feel so lonely and cry alot. He puts me down in front of people all the time, he never takes responsibility for anything, nothing is ever his fault!. He is okay with the kids, but has to be pushed into things aswell and he puts on the great daddy act in front of his family but it never fools anyone else but them. The list goes on and on and if I start now I might start a novel!.
I am going to see a solicitor tomorrow to get advice on starting the ball rolling on a seperation as I want it as amicable as possible but I know it will get nasty when it comes to the kids and the house but will do my best to avoid this happening.
I haven't told him I am seeing a solicitor and I know he is as unhappy as me. Should I tell him what I have decided to do, or just see how things go tomorrow and go from there.
For all I know he could have gone to one on the sly aswell and hasn't told me, it's the kids I worry about. His family don't give a s*ite about them but they would go all out for custody etc just to upset me as they are my life and me & the kids are very close.
So, should I say anything to him yet about getting a seperation?. Anytime I bring anything like it up I get the "you won't get me out of this house". It's not all about the house, honestly I would happily move out myself with the kids and start all over, he can live there!.

ogriofa

Hi,
a family member was in a similar situation. I wouldn't tell him until you are about to start proceedings.
The search for a solicitor that you're happy with might take longer than you think and telling him now
& then looking for months for a solicitor will only add to the pain. Also, he'll have to find one so the
process takes a fair chunk of time. (you probably know all of that)

My advice, and I really believe in this is, get the right solicitor/barrister combo. My mothers Solicitor
was useless (really!!) and the barrister fecked off last minute on the main day!!

I would also be prepared to do some legwork yourself.

Also, long shot, but from what you say... if you both want to seperate try to do so yourselves. Maybe
get 1 lawyer between you to write up the doc.
The main thing my mother regrets is the cost of it all > circa 40k!!
If its mutual you will save yourselves an awful lot of hardship. It'll still be tough, they all are, but
add to your pain the 40k?

So before you say anything, check out this guy tomorow (ask for refrences from others in a similar
situation if you can) & sort your own head out before you say anything.

And good luck - I hope whatever happens goes well for you

ogriofa

Unregistered wrote: »

Anytime I bring anything like it up I get the "you won't get me out of this house". It's not all about the house, honestly I would happily move out myself with the kids and start all over, he can live there!.

also, this is sooooo important... don't agree too quickly to the terms. If you have "it's not all about the house" in your head when negotiating, you might agree to something, in order to get the whole process finished, that won't be fair down the line. Think long-term.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I feel your pain and know what you are going through to a certain extent. Last February I told my husband I had had enough and I wanted a divorce. There was emotion and mental abuse which was awful. I too have two children and am in my early thirties and felt like I had hit rock bottom and was digging... It was awful.

The one last ditch attempt I tried with him was counselling to see did it help and I can honestly say it is the best thing to EVER happen to us. It has been a really hard 4 months of pain with the counselling, so many issues came up on both sides that we really weren't aware of.

I was thinking the same as you, he could keep the house I didn't care I just wanted it. I had even met with a solicitor to 'go through stuff'. I cannot believe that I am saying this now after 4 months, but if you can do try to go to counselling - if not for your marriage, for yourself, it will help you to resolve issues you may have in relation to your husband and his family etc... It will make the separation / divorce a little easier hopefully.

Try to look after you, if you are somewhat prepared emotionally and calm and well adjusted in the thick of all of whats going on, it will really help your children in the transition.

My heart goes out to you and I wish you well. You have to listen to your heart. Thinking of you..

strongbluebell

Hi Op
Have you considered using the http://www.fsa.ie/familymediation/whatismediation.html

They provide a non judgemental mediation service to agree a separation agreement, it's not legally binding but you can take it to a solicitor who'll do the legal bit.

It's possible that engaging a solicitor without telling your husband could aggravate the situation and make things more adversarial. This will mean more expense, more stress and most of all more upset for the kids.

I know they can have a long waiting list but there are also private mediators available but of course you have to both agree to go and participate which I realise may be difficult.

Best wishes

themadchef

My first point about your post, speaking as someone who separated from their husband is that you sound angry. Separation is clinical when you get down to the nuts and bolts of it. I don't think a solicitor should be your first port of call, i think your husband should be.

First I'd sit down and talk with him. Tell him you want to have a rational, adult discussion and fix a time when the kids are not there and both of you are not tired. Say everything you have to say, and listen to what he has to say. I have to be honest and tell you i found it very difficult to listen. I was so, so very angry. Everyone has their reasons why a marriage isn't working, and if any part of you feels counselling will help at least try it.

Amicable separations can and do happen, as it sounds like he doesn't want to seperate though and so i think this is unlikely in your case. Mediation is your next port of call, and if he wont agree to that, then it's time for a solicitor. If i remember from my first visit they had to recommend counselling? I could be wrong on that but I'm pretty sure he asked me if i was certain we had tried everything.

Solicitors? well, i can tell you almost 2 years down the line i am still not legally separated from my ex, it's in the final stages now. It's not a quick exit, there is none. It's an expensive, emotional, heart breaking journey that will end with the dissolution of your marriage. It's pain on all sides. Marriage is tough, and there are days i regret not trying harder, days i sit and think i wish i knew then what i know now and maybe, just maybe I'd have acted less emotionally and more methodically.

My point, if you feel angry you still feel something. Would i do things differently if i got the time back? Yes. That's why I'd advise you not to jump in, try all avenues, then and only then go legal.

Very best of luck.

LegacyUser

have to agree with the last two posts. For starters discuss with your husband that you've made your mind up and wish to separate. Discussing doesn't mean reconciliation it simply means being practical about what you will do next.
Engaging with a solicitor will cost both of you a lot of money. If you try the mediation route it means both of you can agree an amical split with a mediator and sign a legal contract to that effect without all the associated costs. I think your husband will see the benefits of this route too. Unfortunately if he refuses to engage you'll need to try the solicitor route but in reality it means paying a third party YOUR hard earned money to get both of you to agree to something you can amically do for free!!!

LegacyUser

OP here and thanks for the replies. After alot of soul searching yesterday and listening to the advice you have given I have cancelled the solicitors appt. I am going to talk to him this weekend about councelling because honestly, I don't want my marraige to fail and I want to know we tried everything. I just hope he agrees to it.
The biggest problem we have is his interferring family who are rotten to the core. So, he is going to have to choose between me and them aswell. I want them out of our lives and I want us to get on with it.
I am angry, carrying alot of hurt around and nowhere to relieve it or anyone to tell about how I feel. It's not made any easier by the attitude I get from oh and the lack of any relationship what so ever between us.