Don't know where I stand

LegacyUser

Im going to go unreg for this one.

So I have been going out with a girl now for 7 months. I like her a lot, but we have been having arguments recently. Basically I think she doesn’t pay me enough attention, doesn’t look at me much, and prefers to look at videos online when in her place, than talk to me. Basically I became tired of this, and told her I wasn’t happy with the situation.

Basically things have gone bad since I mentioned it. For the first time in months, we are not going to see each other this week, she says she is busy, but I know she could if she wanted. Yesterday she didn’t reply to me saying her email was down, it could have been, but im not so sure.

Any time I try and talk about the situation, she gets argro with me, saying im always “getting at her” etc…I don’t know what to do, cos it cant go on like this, I cant take much more of it.

I think im as well off at this stage to just tell her to open up to me, tell me whats wrong, or else we should call an end to the relationship. It’s a bit of an ultimatium but I think it’s the right thing to do.

We are going away on Saturday for a few days, im worried that we are going to be over before we even get on the plane, so im completely dreading it. I even comtemplated calling the whole thing off, I don’t see the point if we are like this. Ill be paying for most of it, so I don’t want to spend a load of money to be dumped on Monday. That would be horrible.

Is it time to draw a line in the sand? This is my first real relationship, and im thinking am I just scared of breaking up, I just don’t know.

Saucey-Susie

firstly - it seems like you are letting her be the one to call all the shots, like u dont want to go away if you are coming back on Monday dumped. why?

You should be sitting there and thinking about what you want, not what you are hoping she wants. I think going away for the few days has come at a good time, especially if she is coming up with excuses not to see you or talk to you. It will give you both a great chance to talk about everything and try to fix it, if thats what you want.

Just think of number 1. make sure you are doing what makes you happy and you are getting what you deserve from a relationship

LegacyUser

I experienced the same thing with my girlfriend, now ex since sunday
We were going out a year and for the past month or so she had begun to show a lack of interest towards me. Same sort of thing as you, being on the labtop not wanting to talk or anything, completely opposite to how she would usually be....this went on to lack of interest to sex, going from having sex maybe twice a night to once a week and always iniated by me!!
Like you i brought it up...made huge efforts myself to make things right, more so than her only to be dumped sunday evening! What im trying to say is do your best and even if ye do break up then at least you have your head held high that you did your best to save the relationship but dont be a doormat, dont let her walk all over you! AND SIT DOWN AND TALK TO HER BEFORE GETTING ON THAT PLANE!!
Hope it goes well.

LegacyUser

crap that sounds exactly like me, so there is a good chance the writing is on the wall then for us. im making all the effort, she doesnt really talk to me as much, stay in contact, pay as much attention as she used to.

dont know if i have the bottle to bring it up though, she keeps on telling me that im "on top of her", but i dont have the guts to really to say it before the holiday now, cos im afraid she might break up. think ill just head away for the weekend, play it cool. head is wrecked with this.

Wibbs

Can you get a refund? Even a partial one? If it was me I would be doing just that, or even just going on my own. From your description I do feel the "dear john letter/speech/email/txt" is coming around. Not paying attention to you, snapping at you, I suspect the sex isn't what it used to be too. All those are at least signs a relationship is in trouble. If she won't talk about it, well then she must not want to talk about it. Grand, then you talk about it and if still she refuses well then break up with her.

Now it is your first real relationship, so you're still trying to figure it all out, but this doesn't sound like much a relationship from your description. Better to end it, have a cry, get drunk annoy your mates about it for a while. Whatever you need to move on. But I would move on and as I say I would not spend hard earned on her and her holiday, just to be ignored, probably get a payback slightly detached roll in the hay while away and/or dumped when you come back.

There are better out there and lots of them.

LegacyUser

thanks for replies.

yes it is my first real relationship, im 24 but only kinda settled down in the last year or so.

im thinking im being too soft, not saying anything in the false hope that things are ok, but they arnt. if i had had a few more relationships maybe i would of split up ages ago probably.

she says she is busy all the time now.

im having nightmares that we break up while away and she goes off with someone else...that would break me.

Wibbs

Dontcha just love the classics. "Busy all the time" is up there in the top ten. I dare say some roman bloke or woman heard that one in latin.

Again can you cancel and get a refund? Because that's what I would be doing, if she's acting like this and won't even tell you why. She could even be one of those women(and it's almost always women) that thinks you should "just know" and that will be a headwreck if true. Not all women are like that either. Not by a long shot so if you can cancel the holiday, try and get some of the funds back. If you cant well then go off on your own or see if a mate is interested in going on the beer. Then I'd scrape her off TBH.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

crap that sounds exactly like me, so there is a good chance the writing is on the wall then for us. im making all the effort, she doesnt really talk to me as much, stay in contact, pay as much attention as she used to.

dont know if i have the bottle to bring it up though, she keeps on telling me that im "on top of her", but i dont have the guts to really to say it before the holiday now, cos im afraid she might break up. think ill just head away for the weekend, play it cool. head is wrecked with this.

Im the lad who was on about the similar experience as you with my now ex
Look the holiday could be the best thing ever for the two of ye if you are dreading having a talk. Give both of ye a chance to spend some time together, maybe it might remind her exactly what a nice guy you are. I feel for you, but no two relationships are the same...just because my experience lead to a break up that doesnt mean yours will.
I would have loved the opportunity for me and my ex to go somewhere, it would have been coming up to our years anniversary and i was planning a couple of days away together and i honestly think it might have saved us...given us some real quality time together so i think it just might have come at exactly the right time for both of ye...good luck anyway.

coadyj

Unregistered wrote: »

thanks for replies.

yes it is my first real relationship, im 24 but only kinda settled down in the last year or so.

im thinking im being too soft, not saying anything in the false hope that things are ok, but they arnt. if i had had a few more relationships maybe i would of split up ages ago probably.

she says she is busy all the time now.

im having nightmares that we break up while away and she goes off with someone else...that would break me.

Well the first thing to do is to let her be, people in relationships have moments when they want to be on their own. Dont freak out about breaking up, its not at that point yet, but it sounds to me like you are starving for attention. It sounds to me like she has all the cards in this relationship and she is playing them very well.

You tell her you want more attention, she tells you she doesn't want to see you.

I would recommend that the weekend away, you spend as little time paying attention to her as possible. Try and get a little bit of the power back in the relationship. Don't bring up this argument again except to say sorry you were a bit grumpy. This is your first real relationship so the fear of loosing it is strong, but unfortunately this fear could be the very thing that ends it. Surely you have other things you could be doing too, go out with the lads or something. You need to give her time to miss you and not be whining about it.

DESQ

Is there any reason she could be like this? maybe feeling a bit down or maybe she's just following a TV series on the internet,

don't be a doormat but don't throw away something you could be happy with, maybe she needs space maybe its just a phase, i don't know, ask yourself are you a bit pushy regarding this situation that may cause her to react like this.

I'm not trying to saying your right or wrong, just trying to see could there be other reasons there, was it ever like this before, did it pass?

Relationships go through dark patches both of ye will have to work through, maybe she's happy with you but likes her time on the net again i don't know.

Either way i hope it works out for you.

Sephiroth_dude

I was in a similar postion when I was with my ex,whenever I was in her place it always felt like she did'nt want me there and would'nt really show me any affection and push me away when I'd try and show her some,theres nothing worse than being in a situation like that,I should have taken it as a warning that the relationship was ending.

LegacyUser

Did you ever stop to think that maybe she is right? that you are on top of her/ smothering her?

I'm not saying this to be harsh but she has flat out said that you are.... it's just that, as you've said it's your first real relationship so maybe you're going a bit gung-ho and intense with it all. My advice would be to chill out and give her the space she wants. She might end up appreciating you or as you fear she might really just want to end it.

At the end of the day it's not really in your hands unfortunately. The only thing you can control is how YOU act and lets face it no greater turn off than a needy/whiney OH

LegacyUser

so i didnt cancel the holiday anyway.

but since yesterday we are now on a break. what exactly is that?
i dont know what to make of it all. i felt she was really "cold" on the holiday, didnt talk too much. when i said it to her yesterday, she said the same of me, even though i was trying.

a break is really the end isnt it?
i just want to go on the rip this weekend now to try and forget about it, is it ok to be with someone else now? i doubt she wants me back tbh. she said she needs some time to herself, so sort herself out.

gutted!

Karmafaerie

If she says that you're smothering her, then asking her to open up is the opposit of what you should do.
Even if the smothering is all in her head, forcing the situation will just exaserbate it for her.

Being on a break, isn't the end, although to be honest, there' a good chance it will be.

Back off for now.
I can't stress this enough.

If you give her, her space, there's a good chance that she'll realise she does want to be with you.
If not, and she does want to end it, then at least ye can do it acrimoniously.

TBH it's fully in her court now.
All you can do is give her the space to make her mind up.
If you push things, I can almost guarantee she'll end it.



Hope things work out.

LegacyUser

ok so we went on the holiday, it was ok, but not great, there was just a tension between us, lack of communication.

i wanted to know what was going on so decided to clear the air. she said she wants a break.
what does that mean though?

im gutted and just want to go bananas now this weekend to try and forget about it. i dont think she wants to get back, she said she needed some time on her own, but i dont know.

think i should move on really, no point in flogging a dead horse really.

xcarriex

You need to ask her what kinda break this is, if you love her hooking up at the w/end will put the final nail in, ring her ask her is this a were broken up, if she will be with others then proceed to the dancefloor,


Just remember the Ross and Rachel, also, Abscence makes the heart grow fonder, just dont jump the gun, there could be something going on,

I remember been with a guy and he was my first relationship, and after the 1st yr i got v scared and i couldnt admit it, and one night in bed i burst into tears, i sat and sobbed and told him everything and we grew so close, we did break up eventually but were still the best of friends, i know you cant force this on her, but if she wanted to save the relationship she'd try, let her know you are there, but don't be hang about,

I sincerely hope its not a case of not knowing what ya have till its gone on her part, ye do sound like a decent bloke!

Sephiroth_dude

The ball is in her court now,leave her be,dont contact her let her do all the contacting.go out this weekend and enjoy yourself.