Me or Him?

LegacyUser

Hi,

Just looking for an objective opinion. I thought he's been acting quite selfish...but he told me tonight that he thought i was the one being selfish.

Ok, so we've been going out for over a year and a half (officially) or together 2 years 3 mths, inc a summer that we were both away!

I've been holding back on asking whats going to happen with us for the summer/future until he finished his exams...as the last time we had the convo was when i was sitting my exams a few months ago and it ended in a disaster!he told me he wants to go away for the summer as its his last yr in college and thats what i did wen i finished...!(when we wern't official!).

He finished his finals yday, and went out with his class. He rang at about 9 o'clock last night and i told him my parents had invited him out for dinner with us on friday...he said yes, i dont think im doing anything on fri! and then today he told me he's going away (in ireland) for the weekend with the lads...and he doesn't remember saying yes last night!

He told me last week that he told his parents he could be out of the country within 10 days...that was the first id heard of it-but that he didnt know where or with who!I didnt pressurise him as i knew he was stressed so just listened!Then i asked what is gona happen to us, and he said, 'i dont know, i hadn't thought about it.' Which made me feel even worse!

So tonight, i asked him again had he thought anymore about whats gona happen wih us....!He asked what do i mean...i told him how i felt-that i wanted to be with him, i wouldnt break up with him to go abroad by myself and told him i just dont feel like he really wants to be with me!

We've both been v busy over the last 5 months, so havnt spent much time together at all!and the last night we spent together was about 5 weeks ago at a wedding, just before his exams!

I dont have a problem with him wanting to go away for the summer...but he said if he goes, it will be indefinite!

Im not working at the min and my next career step is to get an apprenticeship...so i have no short term goals. I mentioned going away together a few months ago and he basically laughed!I dont know anybody going away at the min and i travelled abroad (asia) alone last yr and said i wasnt ready for this again...but that i would like to go away if there was someone i knew well going!

He was in a r'ship about 4 yrs ago and stayed with the girl while he was away for 6 mths!He said tonight he wont be doing that again....!This also upset me...he said its nothing to do with the partner but just that he couldnt do it again!

However, what bothers me is that he doesnt seem to mind, he doesn't want us to go away together, he stayed quiet when i mentioned being able to visit if he did go away (used my point against me that we havn't seen in each other in so long... and that things would only be harder!) isnt keeping me up to dat regularly (always avoids the subject).

I told him i had a problem with him not wanting to be with me and just doing whatever he wants. I siad that r'ship dont just end because someone goes away-that there's always scope for reassurance, like saying, i really dont want to have to break up with u, or that things might work out when he comes back or that a long term r'ship might work...and i mentioned a few other couples where one party is moving abroad, and told him breaking up was never on the cards for them..!!he said we cant compare, because they've being going out for yrs!Then he mentioned a couple that had broken up because they both wanted to go away but the guy wanted to go with his friends...and he did!my boyf said, so what, he's young has no kids, he can do what he wants, whats the problem!i said i understand, but i said it just shoes that he obv didnt like her so much that he didnt want to be w/o her! ...he still couldn't give me any reassurance!

So, he finished yday, went out with college friends (no invite...but i didnt mind as i went the last time and i knew he didnt want me there!) He has an interview tomoro and was doing research (and hungover!) today, is going away for the weekend and could be out of the country within the next 10 days....and says il get to see him tomoro-so should be happy with that!

I also did well in exam results this week, so despite being invited to dinner-he's going with the lads because 'they are his friends forever' and we dont know whats happening with us!!

He asked me what i wanted him to say...i told him i just needed reassurance and for him to show his emotions a bit!!He didnt!he said is being together not enough reassurance?i told him its not enough, that there's a lot of r'ships where someone isnt happy and its only afterwards that they realise!He said he wasn't happy 'right now' because he wanted to be in bed an hr ago.

Silverfish

Sounds like he's completely lost interest and is just focussing on the lads and travelling.

Which I'm sure lots of people will tell you is normal and grand and understandable, but he could at least tell you what's happening, how soon he plans to be gone, why he doesn't want you to come... it sounds like he's just trying to avoid the whole thing and hope it goes away, or he can avoid it til he leaves.

These are not the actions of someone who cares about you.

ManOfMystery

He sounds immature and selfish. It's plain to see from your post that the guy doesn't sound like he wants to spend much time with you at all never mind talk about your future. I would tend to agree with the above post, it seems he is more interested in travelling and doing the single thing.

I would however advise you to stop chasing him. You're the one doing all the running and he has you wrapped around his finger. It will be tough but take a step back for a while and make him see that he has to work at it too; there's no challenge there for him at all at the moment.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies!! I nearly knew what the responses would be!! i always try to think logically and objectively about situations....and i know i seem to want it more than he does! i think im just finding it hard to accept because i was single for so long before that i never thought id end up being depending on someone else in this way! When he told me i was being selfish....I thought maybe i hadn't seen the whole picture! a few months ago when having a furture convo, he said 'im only twenty something'...which sounded the immature bells for me!

I think its just worse because he says he doesnt know what he's going to be doing either or where he's going so putting pressure just doesnt solve things, it just worsens the thoughts of getting work...and then im the bitch!!

I feel like he's just going to tell me a few days before he's going that he is going...and then say, 'well i always told u i wanted to go' so i should just accept it..and he's v good at putting things to the back of his head...so prob wont even feel guilty!

I dont feel like im being unreasonable....i just think im being logical and he's taking me for granted!!Easy to say but not so easy to act on it...esp when talking doesnt get u v far!

I was thinking last night after we got off the phone...let's just end it now...at least we wouldnt see each other and then he'd be gone so it might be easier to handle for me (trying to think selfishly!!) but i didnt want to make matters any worse, esp with him having an interview today...!!

eleven

From what I've seen on boards, people can be quick to say 'break up' when someone posts about their relationship problem... I don't usually agree with that, especiallly when people are in long term complex relationships.

However, if after 3 years your boyfriend has no interest whatsoever in keeping you informed or involving you in major life changing decisions - and I do believe going travelling for extended periods of time is going to change your immediate life - and on top of that doesn't even think that not involving you is a problem, well maybe breaking up isn't such a bad idea.

I for one would prefer to be in a relationship where my feelings and motives were takin into almost equal consideration.

Beruthiel

It's over.
He just hasn't the balls to come right out and say it.
He's waiting for the penny to drop all on it's own.
Someone like that is hardly worth the trouble.

Katgurl

Beruthiel wrote: »

It's over.
He just hasn't the balls to come right out and say it.
He's waiting for the penny to drop all on it's own.
Someone like that is hardly worth the trouble.

+1

Sorry but he doesn't want to be with you anymore. And he's being a complete coward about it. You can do much better.

If I were you, i'd concentrate on building up my own life / network without him. It'll be hard because its obvious you still love him but you have to face hard facts.

And I really don't mean to sound harsh here but try not to allow yourself into a situation again where you're so reliant on a boyfriend / his life / his needs. You shouldn't be holding off on your life decisions based on what he wants.

ibarelycare

Beruthiel wrote: »

It's over.
He just hasn't the balls to come right out and say it.
He's waiting for the penny to drop all on it's own.
Someone like that is hardly worth the trouble.

Have to agree here.

OP it sounds like he's done with the relationship but he doesn't have the balls to tell you straight out. He's taking the coward's way out and hoping that by pushing you away so much that you'll be the one to do the dumping so he can head off for a summer with the lads, without the guilt of dumping you hanging over him.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys!!

I think your all right....i dont think the rship can go any further if he's thinking like that...and he either chose not to or couldnt give me any reassurance that things would work...I just need to get ready for reality.

I think if i broke up with him, id be doing him a favour as i dont think there's many other options....unless i just wait for him to say he's going and that its over....which i dont think he'd even feel bad about, because he'll be preoccuppied with travelling and being with friends , and has given me advance warning..!!but which would probably be just as tough on me!

We're from the same area so know alot of each others friends ; ( Great at the start, not si much when things are coming to an end!

Im not usually reliant on him at all...and i told him that if one of my close friends or someone i knew well was willing to go away that i prob would go but that my immediate reaction wouldn't just be to break up straight off!!He said its the same situation (if i had someone to go with) even though its unlikely as most of my friends are in secure contracts/further education!!

I think he's of the opinion that he's too young to be making life decisions...and wants to do as much as he can while he's no 'responsibilities'...ie kids, mortgage etc!!However, a relationship doesnt seem to be included here!

LegacyUser

I know this sounds harsh, but in a way he's right not to get tied down at such a young age, and he may be doing you a favour too because if he does settle at such a young age he may get itchy feet after you have children, mortgage etc.... Sounds like you would have been better off meeting him in 5 years time rather than 2 years and 3 months ago.
The reason things worked fine so far is because he was in a stable routine in college, now that's finished the world is his oyster and I'm afraid you're the only person in his way, if he can stretch his wings now he'll resent you for it.