Digging a hole for myself and just can't stop

LegacyUser

hi all,

well, the title probably says it all. ex dumped me nearly a year ago. wasn't extremely nasty, but so many things were left unexplained. haven't seen her since, but kept in contact. in the beginning the contact was frequent, but it has died down a month or so ago. i miss her loads, haven't been with anyone else, still having self-pitty moments and cry every now and again.

now i've holidays coming up and i've suggested me and her going together to the west of ireland for three nights. i'm flying in from abroad. to my surprise she agreed, but i made it clear why i want to go there with her. i want us to be together, and i've always wanted.

i'm planning on staying in b&b, and in separate rooms. even though it's a bit expensive and i'm no millionaire, but i think that this space might do us good.

after the breakup i acted as a mat. i made all the classic mistakes that you people with experience tell others not to make. i cried, i begged her let us try to work things through, but she had none of it. and that was the hardest and most painful thing for me to understand - how can people just drop everything like this......without trying....after all, we lived together for 6 years. and i've started feeling a bit better only in the last few months.

i don't have high hopes for this trip. in fact, i don't really know what to think, as in if she doesn't want me but still agrees to go even knowing what i'm after. i'm trying to keep my hopes as low as possible, but i have the tendency to overthink things.

am i digging a hole for myself? what do you make of this?

thanks for all advice.

Munstermad

Gosh thats a tough one, can't advise cause am not in the best of shape myself emotionally at the moment.
:)I just want to wish you luck and hope you get what you are looking for.

LegacyUser

hi there
I know you really want to go, however if you think its not gonna happen it could make it worse. I dont know if these things work differently for guys, howeever, if i was you I would really think going is not a great idea... I know this will sound a bit airy fairy but al this energy you are putting towards feeling bad and thinking you want to be with her again.. you should be using to try to get better and be ok with been alone... or even finding someone else.
Unfortunately its easier said than done
Good Luck!

That_Guy

I think going on this trip with her is a big mistake IMO. You should call it off. You might be expecting something to happen and it most likely won't and that'll make you feel worse especially if you think the trip will be a way of rekindling your relationship together.

Try and move on. It's extremely difficult I know but time is a great healer. Just try and find someone else. It's the best medicine.

yellowstar

Feck it what hav u got to lose. Ok u nite feel like crap afterwards..... but on the other hand ye could get back 2gether or at least achieve closure

That_Guy

yellowstar wrote: »

Feck it what hav u got to lose. Ok u nite feel like crap afterwards..... but on the other hand ye could get back 2gether or at least achieve closure

It is a 50-50 option alright but the way the OP is putting it, his odds are more 70-30 in the hope that something will spark back up again.

The only way I see something happening is if you've both had a lot of drinks and one thing leads to another. However, one of you might regret it i.e her and then you may feel worse off than you did before.

yellowstar

I know someone could get hurt but after 6years together I think one last effort isnt goin to make that much of a difference. He can either continue on as hes going or meet up with her. It could all go horribly wrong and if it does it will hurt. But wouldnt u prefer to hurt alot now and know that you did try than always wonder if wed met up........
I personally would have to do it. And the fact that she is agreeing to meet up wit him as well could suggest that shes unsure about her decision and wants to see how she feels when they meet up. It could go either way but I personally would prefer to know and not wonder what if.

legend365

yellowstar has a point. I wouldn't give up easily myself.

My advice would be don't expect anything to come from it. If you go on the trip acting desperate to get back together, she'll be more happy in her decision and you'll be twice as un-happy.

I'd say play it cool, make your intentions about her clear and listen to what she has to say.

Goduznt Xzst

if anything it should give you closure at least so I'd say go for it.

However if you are looking for more than an explanation for what happened I'd think long and hard about what you think caused the relationship to end. Trying to flick sparks back into a relationship only works if there's something left to burn.

Also, don't sacrifice yourself to get this relationship back together. I know you want to promise her the world so that she will be with you again. But the pressure to change will have a detrimental effect on yourself and your gf will also feel betrayed when she realizes you lied to her about the promises you made.

Gholimoli

You said you have made things clear that you want her back.
You ask her to go on holiday together and she says yes.
The only way I see you not getting back with her if she is a psychopath and is doing this just to hurt you!
Mate if she had no interest she would say no…she said no before so she is well capable of it.
I know you don’t want to get your hopes up but this is the reality of it and it looks pretty clear to me.
I wish you the very best luck and hope you enjoy the time.

LegacyUser

thank you all for your input.

I do think that I've nothing to lose. In fact, if she did agree to let us try to work on us, I would have to give up a lot. And I'm trying not to think about how I would feel if she didn't agree.

And this is the thing I'm afraid of. I don't want to be desperate. I'm afraid that when we get drunk, I'll start begging and sobbing and the whole lot. I'm afraid to f... up. And I don't know where to find the strength, or inspiration even, to act differently.

I'd like more opinions from girls. If you were in a similar situation, why would you agree to go? It could be that she's not sure whether it's over or not, but then, I could never really understand how women think...

thanks again, and good night...

yellowstar

hey again, you cannot break down and beg. If you think this is the case dont go have some respect for yourself. I know you may miss this woman and if you are meeting up to have a chat and see if things can be worked out then do it. DO NOT BEG under any circumstances!!
I was goin put with my ex for a while and then he ended it suddenly for no reason. We kept txtin each other afterwards and he wanted to meet up. For ages I said no and then eventually agreed to meet him, the only reason was that I knew he regretted finishing it. We got back 2gether after meeting up. But in the time we were broken up I never begged or tried to pursuade him. At the end of the day, someone knows when they want to be with someone. Ur ex already knows what shes wants b4 you go there, so just be prepared. You know what you want but you cant change her mind you have to respect her decision. So either wait to see what happens if you really want to get back together and achieve closure if it doesnt or dont go and move on. Either way you cant put your life on hold for somebody else. If this woman doesnt want to get back 2gether it will be hard but always respect yourself and dont do something which you will look back on and cringe in a few years time. Thats my opinion hope it helps:)

Wibbs

My 2 cents...

OK firstly decide do you want her back to try again? If not, or you're not sure, then fine but it seems you do. If whatever split you up is still in play, then your chances are nil. At least of making it work long term. If not, then there is a chance.

Right so, as yellowstar said do not beg under any circumstance. It's what most do and feels logical, but it will pretty much always have the same outcome. Game over. Even if she desperately wants you back herself, it will reduce that feeling in her. It shifts the power to her and makes you look less valuable in her eyes.

Think about it this way, when you first met you acted a certain way and that attracted her to you and away you went. You didn't beg then did you? Nope. You didn't rake over and elicit bad emotions in her did you? Nope again. You were fun and attractive.

What you need to do is rekindle her attraction for you. Her feelings for you, but mostly attraction. Feelings will follow.

So think back the way you were when you first met. What did you do that made her fall for you in the first place? Act like that again.

As the ex you have disadvantages and advantages. The disadvantage is that she knows you, or thinks she does and made her decision to leave on the back of that. Now many men and women will say, when it's gone it's gone, but I have seen people swear blind that they felt nothing for an ex only to go back with them, so it's not written in stone. You're also not a novelty to her. Now the advantages are she does know you and fell for you once, so you're her "type". You're also a safe bet because of that(don't want to be too safe though).

Right practically. Keep everything light and fun. If she does bring up the old relationship, steer the convo away from that in a light way. Don't look for closure or any of that. If you've begged before she will not expect that. This is good as it shows her you've changed in that respect anyway. Keep the interaction fun and even flirty if you see an opening for that. Drive the interaction more than her. Drive the enjoyment of the weekend more. If you haven't already, plan where you're both going to go. Show you have a plan too. I have found that nothing turns women off as fast as leaving it all up to them. It may help to pretend in your head that you're the one that left and she's the one who wants to get you back.

Basically show her what she's missing by not having you in her life anymore. Treat her like someone completely new that you are trying to pick up.

Do all of that and you may rekindle what she felt for you before. If that doesn't happen at least you will have a fun weekend.

LegacyUser

Either she is a cruel witch who gets off on watching other people squirm, or she has doubts, and wants to meet for the same reasons as you. Im in kinda a situ like u, and im just gonna go for it, if nothing comes of it I wont be any worse off than I am now, and at least I wont spend the rest of my life wondering "what if" (which is what I have been doing since the last time we were supposed to meet and I pulled out at the last minute) From a womans point of view, I think you should go. 6 years is a long time to be with someone and SO WHAT if you cry, at least she will know how you feel..... good luck!

LegacyUser

For once, I've decided to do what you guys advice. I'll do my best to be fun and relaxed. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be I might not be ready for this trip, but then, I've heard that even the high achievers are never 100 % ready before they decide to do something

thanks again, and wish me luck

LegacyUser

Hi OP, here's my story:


Lived with my ex for five years in our 20s. He broke up with me for a zillion reasons. We were heavy drinking kids. I wanted babies he wasn't sure, blah blah blah.

Soon after the break up he moved back to his own country and regretted his decision. A year later he convinced me to spent a weekend with him in a European capital. We had great fun and sex, he declared his intentions (marriage), I just had fun.

Two years later he convinced me to meet him in his country for two weeks. We had a great time. He was clear about what he wanted; I was out just out of a relationship. We had a great time in the sense that it was lovely to hang out and sleep with someone so familiar.

A year later I went to see him again. Wasn't so into the idea of having sex with this blast from the past but still had a great time and a few adventures. He was still clear about what he wanted.

A year later, fresh out of yet another relationship, I thought about everything and realised that there was no-one I trusted more; no one I could know better.

Last week we celebrated our first anniversary :-)

My advice: Don't try to play it cool. Be honest and be yourself. Don't expect this weekend to be the answer to eveything. Play it straight. She'll respect you for not playing games, though obviously don't break down. You don't need to. She already likes you enough to do a weekend. Have fun. But remember, if you get back or not is also a lot to do with coincidence. There's lots of people in the world to love.

LegacyUser

well, that's one hell of a story....

in regards to being myself....i thought that showing emotions was a good thing. But I probably over did it at the time of breakup, and, I think, that's how she remembers me: a crying mat. When I look at it now, I make myself sick. I was pathetic beyond belief. But then again, it was my natural reaction. I think I was too nice, too soft, too understanding, didn't have enough courage to stand up for myself. And now, I think, I've become a bit more cynical.

As for sex...I hope it doesn't happen. Even though I haven't touched a woman in nearly a year, and you can imagine what's happening in my pants and head, I still would be reluctant to do it. I don't believe in meaningless sex, and if she did want it, I would certainly take it as something important and as a sign. She had never had a great sex drive, but would always say that sex with me was the best.......So, I don't really know what to think......:)

thanks again.

MissyN

Hi OP

When is the holiday down the country cos I am just DYING to find out what happens there and I so want it to go well for you and hope you don't get let down at all (although the fact that she agreed to go is just incredible i think!!) Also I wanted to ask you a couple of other things privately....could you PM me if you get the chance pls ???

LegacyUser

the holiday starts this coming saturday, three nights. I'm trying to arrange accomodation, and also sharing the plans with her, but she doesn't seem to be overly interested . Doesn't reply to my e-mails or texts....