is it finally over

LegacyUser

Have been with my boyfriend on and off for nearly nine years. We have a six year old son together. We broke up two years ago and he moved out and hasn't really moved back in fully yet, but he spends most nights here. He was always a drinker but lately it has gotten out of control. His aunt died a few months back and he went on a week long drinking session, not answering his phone and barely coming home. A week before his Summer exams (he's a mature student in college) he did the same thing. After his exams were over he went drinking for two days straight and then went to his friend's that weekend to celebrate exams being over. We always argue about it and he says that it's my fault because I'm not affectionate with him (I put my hands up to this) I work Monday to Friday, come home, do all the housework, make the dinners, do my sons homework with him, bath him and put him to bed. I am literally exhausted. When my son is in bed I use that time to do the ironing or washing or whatever else needs to be done. We were having sex about once or twice a week, but lately I don't feel like it because of the way he is acting. We went on a rare night out last Friday (first time I've been out since January) and had a great night. He stayed in bed until 5.30 the next day, got up, ate dinner and went drinking with his brother at 6.30. He arrived home that night at 4.30am. The next day he told me that his brother had met a girl and they went back to her house with her friends, but he wasn't with any of them. He started drinking Sunday at 3.30pm. Last night he was drinking at home again and went to the pub at around 10pm. He never came home last night. I finally got through to him at around 5.00pm today and he said he stayed up in his own house. He is the nicest person you could meet but when he starts drinking he can't stop. He blacks out a lot, gets aggressive with people,he even wet himself before. I know this relationship is doomed but I can't seem to let go. we have broken up on numerous occasions but he promises he'll stop drinking and change his ways. He's able to stay off the drink for weeks at a time but when he goes back on it again , he drinks for days at a time, not caring who he's hurting. Had a huge argument again today on the phone as he was yet again drunk. Am I wasting my time thinking he'll change or should I give the relationship another chance, 9 years is a long time. Any advice would be welcome.

Beth1978

I really don't have any experience in what you've just described but is this an example you want your son to see and learn from? It does sound like your OH goes out a bit too much and is rarely home, do you want your son to see this as acceptable? You sound like you're a very caring mum and work hard to look after your son. Have you ever sat down with your OH and had a frank discussion about this...when he hasn't been drinking or is hungover. Maybe he doesn't think there's anything wrong. If there are two parents in a family I firmly believe that both should be playing a part in their child's life. I hope everything works out for you, mind yourself.

Munstermad

Sounds like you are only with him out of habit, he doesn't seem to have much respect for you or himself, personally I'd let him go. It's v hard but I think you and your child will be a million times better off in the end. At least if ye are apart the time that he then spends with his child will be quality time. He seems to be in a serious rut and only only he can help himself, if he is blacking out and there is a possibiliy he is sleeping around where will this end up? I would get out now if it was me.
You need to look out for yourself and your child.
Is only my opinion though, although I think u already have your decision made.

Best of luck, been there with my son myself.

LegacyUser

I've been through pretty much the same scenario, I couldn't believe it that even with exams coming up the priority was 'drink'. Total reckless behaviour. However it is behaviour exhibited by most alcoholics, unfortunately. The bottom line your BF is an alcoholic. Whether he chooses to acknowledge and rectify the situation will be entirely his own decision, until then he will destroy you, the unhappiness that alcohol abuse causes is catastrophic. I am now going to post this longwinded but probably important piece of 'advice' that I searched in my own desperation for understanding:-

************
The best that I can do is to tell you the truth about alcoholism.
You may not like my answer to you, but it will be honest and truthful.
The action that you take will undoubtedly determine what the rest of your life will be like!

If your boyfriend does not stop drinking, and you stay with him, you are looking at a relationship and the good possibility of having a lifetime full of pain and misery. If he does not stop for sure he will get worse.
If you continue to stay you will become his victim, but never his girlfriend, lover or
wife. Drinking alcoholics take “hostages” they never take partners, because their
alcoholism does not allow them to have a normal relationship with another human being. Alcoholics who are still drinking are generally self-centered to the extreme, booze is more important to them than ANYTHING ELSE. As much as he may love you his addiction will never allow you to come first, booze will always come before you, his health, his
job, his family, and even his very life. By breaking up with him you may be
doing him a big favor by helping to raise his “bottom”. In other words his recognition
that he has lost another thing that was important in his life. I know ofmany cases where the non-drinker of a couple ends up “joining “ the drinker as a matter of their own survival. What ever you do (unless you are also having a drinking problem) don't join him in his drinking, because to be a male alcoholic is bad enough, but to be a female
alcoholic is much worse because of the “special” problems that a woman drunk
faces. You will become his weak prey that he can do with whatever he wants to.

It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become
“enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. If an enabler has no special knowledge or training in the field of alcoholism and they try to help, the alcoholic can sense the ineptness and weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven
and rescued time and time again… and again. In a backhanded way you will give
him “permission” to drink by your continued acceptance of his unacceptable behavior. What ever you decide to do it should be based upon your head talking and not your heart. Don't let your actions appear to be allowing him to continue drinking. If you continue on
the road that you are on you haven't seen anything yet. Alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own.

I would make it very clear to him that you do not want to hear from him again until he does something positive about his drinking problem…and then only after he has been sober in a program of recovery (like AA) for at least one full year. Never make any threat to him unless you intend to follow through with it.

HOWEVER, if for some insane reason you cannot stop yourself from continuing your relationship with him, then it would be wise for you to go to Alanon meetings. It is the
Only way that you will survive the ordeal Of having an alcoholic in your life.
If you chose to remain in your relationship with him and you
don't attend meetings you have no one to blame for your situation but yourself.

Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people who need help, but they must be held responsible for their actions! You may not be able to do anything about your boyfriend's drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic in it.
Until you are armed with the right kind of information, knowledge and implications of the disease, your efforts to help him will be for nothing.
Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. Please go to meetings it will be your only chance to survive the relationship.

If you don’t already know, it is generally believed, by many in the field of
alcoholism, that it is a three-fold disease. Mental, Physical and Spiritual.

The “mental” part of the illness refers to the mental obsession to drink that precedes the first drink... a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink.
The“physical” aspect of the disease is, that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over in the form of a deep incessant craving that the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them or they pass out. The “spiritual” part of the illness (not spiritual in a religious way) is in the loss of an alcoholic's values, and a willingness to settle for less and less as the drinking continues. It becomes difficult for the alcoholic to determine the difference between right and wrong or good and bad. The alcoholic develops a change in priorities where drinking becomes more important than
health, family, job and friends.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower.
Alcoholism is a disease.
Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for an alcoholic to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is knownas "white knuckle sobriety". It isn't very long before the alcoholic has to drink again. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, smoking pot or taking
other mind altering drugs or even switching to “near beer” with 0.05% alcohol. For the alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a
medical doctor's prescription as long as the doctor understands that he is dealing with an
addicted person. Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom
before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some many may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! Don't let him take you there with him. Let him go and get on with your life. Once again, you may help to save his life by raising his bottom even if you are no longer together.

Until he “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing him problems there is little you can do for him. No one can scare an alcoholic into stopping drinking. Cajoling, hand-wringing, threatening, begging and even putting him away against his will, will not get him to stop
doing what he has not made up his own mind to do. Don't think that he does
not want to stop, he can't stop when left to his own devices. Also, don't be lulled into
thinking that an alcoholic will stop drinking just because they say that they will. It's not that he will purposely lie to you… but they will lie to themselves because down deep he is afraid to stop.
Alcoholism is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. An active alcoholic's choices
become limited to: attending a recovery program like AA, or entering an in-patient detoxification clinic that has an after care outpatient program, then to the AA program. If he does nothing about stopping then he is destined to die a drunk's death, get involved negatively with the law or end up in a mental institution. I am sorry to be blunt, but I am only stating what you probably already know. Rarely have I seen an alcoholic stop drinking on willpower alone. The disease is too powerful.

There is no reason why you should remain in such a horrible situation as you are. Just ask yourself what you would advise a friend to do if she came to you and explained the same
situation that you are going through as her problem. I would bet that you
would tell her to get away from him ASAP. You were not put on this earth to allow another person to enslave you and have to live in fear and yet do nothing about it.

If you do talk to him you may want to say that you are leaving him because of his drinking. And… that until he is sober for at least a year or more that you do not want to hear from him or have any contact with you. You have to get on with your life.

You know that its one thing for him to be ignorant of not knowing where to get
help, but he does know and won’t do anything about his problem.

I wish you the very best and I hope that I have not taken too much liberty
with you in the way I have responded to your question. You seem to be an intelligent woman…
don’t let this man destroy your life. Get out while you can, and concentrate on a someone who can love you, more than booze.
I know that you love him…but he can’t love you and alcohol at the same time!

LegacyUser

I think you need to think of your child as well as yourself & end this relationship now. It cant be good for your child to be brought up in this type of environmnent. If you stay with him, I dont think your bf will change and will probably only get worse. If you make a clean break away from him, it might make him realise how serious his drinking is and do something about it. If he doesnt, then you will definitely have made the right decision in ending it. You and your child deserve better.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Everything I've read already is what I've known for a long time, but just didn't really want to accept. We have spoken on numerous occasions about his drinking, he promises to change and get his life back on track but it always ends up the same. He has yet to admit that he is an alcoholic, stating that he can stop for weeks at a time so AA meetings are not an option for him. I grew up in a house with an alcoholic Mother whom I have had no contact with in years (she's met my son once since he was born) and often tell my boyfriend that I don't want to live with another alcoholic. Cutting all contact from his is not an option as he will be taking care of our son during the school holidays from the end of June as he is off college and I have to work. I just feel that seeing him every day, I will eventually forgive him again and fall into the same trap as i always do.

LegacyUser

Ok. I know my last message was longwinded but I think it is good to read for clarity. Once your son is being taken care of by your BF you must go to the Alanon meetings. You will become better equipped to make rational decisions. I hope your BF does not renege on his duty of looking after your son when the 'urge' to booze becomes more of a priority. It is tough, reality, but it is the situation you are dealing with at the moment. It is easy for him not to have 'fully' moved back into the 'family' home as it allowed him to continue his behaviour without the consequences i.e. having a secondary home to abscond to when he is on the batter. It is his safety net for continuing his behaviour. Now you must think of Yourself...go to meetings, take advantage of having free time to enjoy the a social life and I am hoping that your life will become more positive.