Husband left yesterday - Heartbroken

LegacyUser

I know nobody can help but i just needed to talk, hubby informed me 3 months ago after 10 years together that he no longer loves me and wants out of relationship. We tried counselling for a while but he really wasn't interested and didn't really make an effort. We have 3 young kids and he's been working away from home for the last 18 months. He was the best Dad, i always thought that whatever happened to us he would never leave his kids and would do whatever it takes to keep his family together. But he has left,and so easily.

Prior to yesterday we had agreed to wait till July till after certain family commitments but he had became more and more distant so I just flipped Sunday night and asked him to go Monday, explaining that I couldn't stay in this limbo any longer..... I'm devestated, I've lost the love of my life and it seems to me now that he wasn't the man i thought he was at all, I feel so stupid, used, angry but most of all really hurt.

Our counsellor told me weeks ago that he is a v selfish man and I'd be better off to send him packing but it's so hard, I've been asked if there is anyone else, I honestly don't know. He says there isn't, and I've always trusted him, even though he lives away from home 60% of the time and has a pretty active social life where he works.

I must be the biggest idiot in the whole bloody world, I hate the B*****d for me and for the kids, how do people get through this, I feel like my heart is about to shatter.
I'm 36 years old and all I want is to curl up and die....(not suicidal just hurting)
Can't belive I've ended up here.
Thanks for listening.

Barracudaincork

Your life hasnt ended up like this at all, this is just a part of your life not the whole lot, there are plenty more fantastic years to come. If this was happening on your death bed, thats a different story.

Yes your hurting, your angry, your confused, you are so many emotions all at once that you cant think straight. First things first is you need to relax and call some friends, get the girls over, sob your heart out and talk talk talk. These emotions need an outlet and that is what you need to do, this only becomes a problem if you still doing this months down the line.

From my understanding is that you both agreed to stay together till July, but on Sunday you asked him to leave as you couldnt take it anymore. What happened on Sunday that made you feel like this?

You are not going to want to hear the cliche things right now like time heals and its for the best etc etc they will just do your head in, so i wont say any of them, but i do have to say you have 3 beautiful kids, your a very lucky women!!

LegacyUser

Thanks,
You're right, I do have 3 fab kids, and am blessed with a good family and great friends. The realisation has crept in that he's probably actually been gone a while.
Sunday eve he was meant to come home till mon eve, after working all weekend and going out 2 nights over the weekend he only had 1 day at home out of the next 11. He rang an hour after finishing work and said he'd leave it, he was tired and maybe would come down monday for a few hours, that was when I lost it.
I suppose the next hurdle is telling the kids, do I opt for honesty and tell them the truth that Daddy doesn't love Mammy anymore or do I fluff it up and tell them Mammy and Daddy need space that they are not making each other happy.
What a mess....

LegacyUser

If you do need to explain divorce to your children, I recommend two excellent books. The first is It’s Not Your Fault, Koko Bear: A Read-Together Book for Parents and Young Children During Divorce by Vicki Lansky. It begins: “One day MaMa and PaPa Bear say to KoKo, ‘We have something very difficult to tell you. . .’ ” and has text for parents on each page explaining why and how they can help their child to understand divorce. I also love Two Homes by Claire Masurel, which simply and beautifully helps a child to understand their parents not living together. I wish you all well.

Barracudaincork

Dont tell them Daddy doesnt love Mummy anymore, because i dont think thats true in the complete sense, you are still the mother of his kids. Also saying that may imply that Daddy is in the wrong and no matter how much you think or know he is in the wrong, your kids dont need to know that.

I would say that Daddy is going to be working away and will be living in a new house but you will still see him and that you both love all three of them very much etc

Kids are great, they will react better than you think, they may have even noticed unhappiness in the house and this will bring some settlement into their lives.

From how i see it all you have lost is a man who didnt treat you the way you wanted or should be treated and whos' family wasnt number one, you havent lost much in my book. While he on the other hand has lost YOU and the fact he no longer will live with his kids!!

LegacyUser

Thanks to you both, even though I'm crying as I type it's nice and helps a lot to get someone elses perspective and advice. i just found out he's told his family the split is a mutual decision, so am going to make sure they get a clearer picture. Am also thinking of texting him and asking him honestly is there someone else, am I just tormenting myself, I want to know, maybe? but i want to hold on to some bit of dignity.

I'll take all your advice when speaking to the kids and buy those books.

nesbitt

I am separated (happily) for different reasons. I know you are at the raw grief stricken stage just now but believe me it will pass and you will get through this stage in your life. You will need your family and friends to support you. Try your best to have 'a good separation'... Get legal advice, act on it accordingly, be firm in your resolve but fair minded and you will come out the other side with your dignity and humanity intact. Never bad mouth you ex to your kids, no matter how you feel, do not tolerate any bad mouthing about you to them either by your ex. This website is a great resource, as is rollercoaster.ie. So chin up, try to keep calm and keep going.

Rb

Whatever you do, don't turn your kids against him.

He may not love you, or want to be with you, but I'm sure he still wants to be their father and play an active role in their lives.

LegacyUser

Thanks, and I will remain calm, I must be coming accross like I'm having a meltdown, I am on the inside {that the bit I'm telling you guys} but to anyone on the outside I'm calm and collected.
I'd never in a million years badmouth him to the kids, I want them to feel safe secure and I'll do anything to protect them from any worry or hurt.
I also still love him, unfortunately.
I do however want him to take responsibility for his actions when speaking about this to family and friends...
Thanks for all the advice and your own stories, it really makes me feel less alone in all this.
Tommorrows another day.
Take Care.X

Salome

No advice just my best wishes - you sound like a very good mother, your kids are lucky to have you. Take care.

LegacyUser

Rb, I have no doubt in my mind that he will do right by his children, possibly even by me in the end. He does love his children v v much, even though he hasn't made much of an effort for them in the last while...
I will do everything I can to protect and maintain their relationship and I fully recognise and accept that it is me he no longer loves.

Salome, thank u very much. X

Movershaker

If I were you I would also want to know if there was someone else. The way you are describing it I really wouldn't be surprised. Plus him telling his family it's a mutual decision leaves him off the hook to "meet" someone else in the not so distant future.

I find that a bit of anger does help in moving past the stage where you still love them and facilitate them despite your better judgement. He won't want you to know if there's anyone now for fear that you will turn on him and throw the book at him. Just remember that so you get the full appropriate settlement in your separation/divorce.

I can't really offer you any advice, but just wanted to wish you the best of luck. And although you are probably at rock bottom right now, it will get better and you will be happy again.

LegacyUser

Hi there

I m so sorry to hear this, i separeted a year and a half ago, and it wasnt easy...it takes time to heal, take a day at a time, cry if you need to, talk to anyone you need, work it , excercise is great too, try to enjoy a little everyday even small things
Try not to mull over it.
And the best of luck, if you need to talk we are all here for you

LegacyUser

Hi OP I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. It sounds so much like my own situation even your age! My husband also realised he didn't love me and left 2 years ago. I felt so stunned, so disappointed and would have tried anything to save our marriage as I loved him deeply but thats not what he wanted. Everything changed that day, the present, the future and even what I believed my past to be in some ways. My way of coping was to get up and go to work and to think only of our child and carry on doing the best I could. One small thing that might help you and the kids is that you're used to your OH being away, my ex worked away alot too so I was used to being on my own, that helped.
I was lucky I had great support from my family. Take all the help you can get, ask someone to mind the kids even to give you time to think and to cry if necessary. My separation is nearly finalised and looking back it all seems to be a bit of a haze. My OH was two steps ahead of me in that he had been thinking about practical things when I was still coming to terms with some of the emotional realisations. So I would say take things at your own pace, don't feel under pressure to make decisions or take on anything until you and your children ready. I found it very hard for a long time to tell people about my situation because I felt I had to explain myself to them, BS I know.
I won't bore you with the cliches but for myself I'm doing good, my child is great, she has parents who love her. As regards my ex I can't hate someone I don't know and this is how I feel about my ex.
Sorry for the long post, I really hope it works out for you.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

To: Barracudaincork, Nesbit, Rb, Salome, Movershaker, Donegalfella and everyone else who shared their time with me.

I just wanted to say thank you so much, your advice, experiences, positivity and common sense helped me so much through one of the worst times in my life but I can honestly say week one is over and I'm on the way up.
You all were so right, I see so many truths in the things you mentioned. I'm no longer greiving the love of my life, I don't really know the man I'm married to at all, and I'll prob never know him?
I'll end this phase of my life with dignity and respect and move on. My kids are fantastic, and I will ensure they are happy and safe. I have a fabulous family and a pretty decent set of supportive inlaws believe it or not?
I'm at the beginning of a new chapter and have a clearer perspective thanks to all the support I've recieved. Thank you all so very much.
Love and good things to you all.
A truly grateful Limerick Lady.

Barracudaincork

Hmmm *wishing there was a you're welcome button on boards*

Fair play to you!

I have to say, you do sound like an amazing women!

Salome

I wish you all the best for the future - I think you'll be fine, you've got a great support network about you and two wonderful kids.

I think it's quite telling that your marriage counsellor didn't encourage you to try and work it out - she knew that it would be best for you if you separated.

Now that speaks volumes. Keep well and remember, if you need to talk, we're all here x

LegacyUser

Cheers to you both, Yes counsellor was so right, she said a lot of honest but difficult things. Still taking it all on board but getting there. You sound pretty amazing yourselves guys or gals, am guessing gals.
Best wishes Salome and Barracudaincork, I will keep logging in.
Cool names by the way. X

Salome

It sounds like you're doing really well - keep going and you'll be grand.

No one's situation in life is perfect so it's important to know that whilst things can go wrong, it's how you react to them that counts.

Good luck and when you need to vent, vent here - we're all ears! x