Ignored by "friends" because I'm single?

singledude

Hi guys,
I am just wondering whether anybody has any experience of something similar to my current situation. I am a 30 year old guy and have been single since last August 08. I had been in that relationship since March 07.

I suppose you could say that before I was in that relationship I was a bit of a jack-the-lad! I'd be fairly goodlooking, outgoing (especially with a few drinks on me!) and would have had a reputation for being good with girls. I would have introduced quite a few of my guy friends to their other halves, usually as a result of me being the only one who would go over and talk to unknown girls.

However, since I have become single I am now pretty much ignored by all my previously very close friends. It is nothing to do with my breakup - she was from a totally separate circle. A text once a month at most now is all I get from these guys. One text in March after 3 months from my previously best friend asking if I fancied a beer that evening at 4pm on a Tuesday!

I think at this stage they are just being plain ignorant as I bumped into 8 (4 couples) of them out two weeks ago and there were other singles there too (girls). I am seriously paranoid that I have done something - I haven't - so what I am asking is, is this normal?

Has anyone else experience of a situation like this? Is it a case of once I am in a couple again the invitations etc will start up once more? Because quite frankly if such a situation arises I will tell them where to stick it!

Apologies for the rant but very pissed off and hurt too, I guess. I feel I have been ostracised through no fault of my own, just circumstance.

Any thoughts or suggestions,

Thank you

seamus

How often do you contact them to see if anything's going on?

helimachoptor

seamus wrote: »

How often do you contact them to see if anything's going on?

+1

As a single chap, you're going to be a little dependent on them if they are your only real circle of friends. I mean if your not txting them they may think your out enjoying the single life and dont want to be stuck with couples.

singledude

i would drop a round of texts out every thursday/friday but everyone's got plans! I would have fairly thick skin so I can deal with the rejection and call always rustle someone up to have a few beers with. But these were the guys I grew up with!

Guess i'm just trying to establish if it is related to me being single...

Thanks

helimachoptor

singledude, you could find that the GFs of your mates might think you'd be a bad influence on their boyfriends...

Otherwise head out with some other single people.

Latchy

I guess the answer that springs to mind OP is to have a selection of single friends again ( if not already ) .Bit harsh on your ' couples ' friends to abandon you just because your single and if anything , might have maybe introduced you to some people who were also single . at least it gives you a chance to discover and meet new people , both single and in relationships .Not everybody will react they way your friends have .

stiff kitten

i reckon they're secretly jealous of you. you're good looking and find it easy to chat up women. they may want to make you feel small for not being with a gal.

dont feel bad over this...
that's what their aim may be....
enjoy single life......

who needs friends like that?

meet more people....
lots of love, stiff kitten

LegacyUser

It happens a lot at your age in life. The women can be adept at steering the other half away from his previous friends. You will just have to get new friends for socialising and get on with it.

singledude

Thanks for the replies guys,

It just bothered me that people would act this way. When in a relationship I always kept in touch with friends regardless of relationship status.

Was thinking maybe this is what happens to friendships when you start going over 30. Drift apart etc. Kind of sad but part of growing old I guess.

Reminds me of that line in the movie Stand By Me about nobody ever having friends again like they did when they were 12 years old. It seems not.

Thanks,

Ps booked a 2 week holiday by myself in sun at start of July. Bit apprehensive but what the hell. I'll let you know how I get on!

stiff kitten

i dont have alot of friends and i dont know if my boyfs think thats weird or not but i dont really care.....its just a way of telling the differnce between a steady guy and the jackass...

i think girls are the bitchest beasts around...and i dont think i blend in with the typical...O MY GOD, her hair isnt straightened...kinda chat....

k im just having a rant here about random stuff....

anyways enjoy your holiday
maybe you'll find romance there!

LegacyUser

...It's life mate. Am 35 now and that started happenin' to me a couple of years ago. Messed with my head a bit but I said F&*K em and moved on. Still a jack the lad and enjoyin' it !...
The way I see it is lads won't divert their attention away from the missus and jack the lads ARE looked on differently!

Bottle_of_Smoke

Did you stop contacting them when you had a girlfriend?

singledude

When I was with my g/f I always made a point of including friends in plans regardless of there relationship status. In fact, there is one guy in particular, who has been in Ireland for about 9 years and would not have many friends here, who I would always make sure to invite out for a beer. Often he would head out with just the g/f and me. Never looked on him as a "gooseberry" or a "threat".

Same guy now has initiated contact with me once since Christmas-not an invite to meet up! Only other times I hear from here are the "We've got plans. We must catch up for a beer soon." responses to my texts.

I mean, have I been kidding myself all these years (20 in some cases) that these people were my friends? If I meet another girl and she asks to meet my friends what do I say? Sorry, I don't really have any? That's going to look very dodgy and she will probably think I am some sort of psychopath. I have made up my mind at this stage to cut my losses and time invested and just move on but I will not be forgiving or forgetting what they have done to me, knowingly or not, regardless of what happens in the future!

Cheers again for the replies.

singledude

singledude wrote: »

I think at this stage they are just being plain ignorant as I bumped into 8 (4 couples) of them out two weeks ago and there were other singles there too (girls).

Eeuuugh, with friends like that ...!

Any-hoo, you're talking about them as a group. Isn't there one person that you're closer too than the others with whom you could broach the subject?

I was in a similar situation when I moved away ... because it was a work related move I knew lots of people (mostly men) and assumed I wasn't being invited to things because I wasn't part of a couple and then found out there was plenty of stuff going on that involved single people too. So I took one guy to task on the subject and he said he'd no clue I felt that way, never even dawned on him ... the invitations started rolling in.

This is particularly a problem when it's a "group" as everyone tends to assume that someone else is in touch with you ...

Give them a real chance and if they don't step up, move on.

Good luck!

fasty

Oh god, I get those "Want to go for a pint on Wednesday" texts too when my friend is off galavanting with his missus at the weekend. I don't really mind what he does with himself. If my mates aren't around I'm quite capable of finding something to do at the weekend, usually something that doesn't involve inhaling 8+ pints but I think he feels guilty or something.

Getting texts like that is akin to winning the second prize.

I find I have to make more of an effort to get the lads to come out for gigs or arrange long weekends away. It's a bit of a pain that I'm always the one making the effort, but the alternative is to seeth in silent frustration.

To the op... f**k em... Just don't dwell on it. And when one of them breaks up, you'll see how quickly they're dying to get out on the town again...

LegacyUser

i really dont think you should cut all of your friends out of your life!!!

it is a bit sh***y what they are doing, but i think it happens to a lot of people in relationships, they just get sucked up and its easier to go out with couples etc. i now a few of my friends are like that.

But i dont think they are doing it to you in a spite ful or malicious way.

what you are saying is right, when you meet a girl she probably will think its a bit strange that you have no mates. so just use your mates, like they used you when you were with someone! keep in contact, but work on your relationships with your single friends.

There is always gonna be times when friends use you for things, and you use them. this is a crap time for you, but i strongly advise against cutting your long term freinds out, as these things happen in life, i honestly dont think they even realise you are hurt. they probably think as you are goodlooking, that you are out gallavanting with your single friends!!!

its natural that you are pissed off and hurt, but you will feel worse down the line when you realise you have lost all your good mates!

take care

LegacyUser

Guys can be very lazy like that.

One friend did this to me for years. When he was going out someone the calls to go out ceased. The plans we'd make for a Saturday night would turn into "sorry, decided to stay in and watch a movie instead"... it was very frustrating as he was my best mate and I didn't have too many other friends at that time.

He was being a twat to me. This time round with a new gf, he has changed his tune and is in contact as often as he used to be. We meet up quite often. Think the gf has a lot to do about it, or more so his attitude. He used to be a door mat - now he's less worried about going out without his gf... his previous two were the jealous types AND we didn't see eye to eye.

One friend of ours goes off the radar when he gets a gf. You won't hear from him until he's got a night free and then he leaves early to hook up with them. Not a good friend.

Some friends of mine are married with kids and I don't expect the same level of contact anymore and I would presume that they meet up with their couple friends and do things together as families. I would expect that to happen and would expect not to get an invite. The husbands and I meet for pints about once a month.

There are plenty of people out there to hang out with though. There are lots of people in the same boat as you.

Make more friends and become less reliant on your mates in relationships.

MIN2511

Over-reacting much? Right, they are in relationships and don't want to meet up. Why are u upset? We tend to read too much into situations and texts.
My suggestion, send a group email telling them how unimpressed you are. Other than that, there isn't much you can do...

Salome

I think you're reading a bit more into this TBH, your friends might not be aware that you feel sidelined. Have you spoken to them about it? Have you asked them to include you when they are having nights out where some single friends of the GF's are going?A lot of men don't respond to hints, gentle persuasion or grumpiness about the situation - unless you tell them, they might not be aware of it.Have a word - tell them that you'd like to meet new people and ask them to include you on their nights out, maybe start dating again but you need their help. Unless you tell them, they might not be aware of how you feel. They're not mind readers y'know.

LegacyUser

OP this happens alot with friends with gf/bf. Your best bet is just to forget about them. If they want to meet up with you let them text you and then you can go. No point in you always putting in the effort, you will end up feeling hurt and angry which you do now. Best bet is to try make some new single friends and as another poster said if one of them become single they will probably be txting you non stop. Good luck

starchild

does tend to happen as people get older alright, id say though if you were to ring em and try get them to commit to a night out you prob find that it comes together

i grew up with 5 lads out all the time, now we meet maybe 3/4 times a year as most of them married some with kids. we all still talk all the time its just situations have changed and with the recession its got worse as not much spare cash doing rounds

give your mates a ring you prob find all is ok