Am I a lesbian/bi?

LegacyUser

I'm sure you're sick of these threads but this is going through my head lately..

I'm 18 - never had a proper boyfriend but there were stages when I was meeting the same guy frequently but for various reasons we both decided not to get into a relationship.

I find guys attractive both sexually and otherwise and I'd say I'm an outgoing girl so I meet lots of new people, including guys quite often. Enjoy socialising, drinking, flirting..yknow the usual.

Except always there have been certain girls in my life that mean much more to me than any guys I've ever known. There are about 3 of them...and they just fascinate me - they're just really amazing people. I find some of them physically attractive (as in a beautiful/pretty face - nothing more) but am not sexually attracted to them and am totally turned off by..ahem..female private parts! Not against lesbian relations, I just prefer guys sexually and every other way (so I thought).

I suffer from depression and recently I've been thinking more and more about women maybe because I'm lonely or whatever. There's one woman I hardly know but when I do see her I feel like I'm in love and I know I'm cringing when I say this. She's beautiful, smart, funny...and just got engaged recently...and I just find myself always wanting to be with her, just talking or whatever. And when I'm alone I think of her all the time. And (here's the really sad bit) I think about sometimes what it would be like to live with her and take care of her. But, as I've said earlier, I can't imagine ever having sexual relations with a woman - I'm not even curious about that...but I do sometimes think I'd like to kiss this girl.

This all sounds very silly I know, but what's wrong with me? I'm not lesbian, but I'm obviously not straight anymore!

I guess you'd have to know me to tell, but I am outgoing despite my depression and always friendly and without realising it (now I do) I flirt with everyone - I'm not a slut but I buy drinks for my friends that are girls and would be friendly and all, but at the same time would hook up with guys.

It's been about a 6months since I was raped by 2 guys - not looking for a shoulder to cry on here; just wondering if it's related...but I wasn't turned off by men after that - I mean it was a horrible experience, but it didn't make me hate men.

I'm so confused right now...any girls had similar views like mine and ended up to be lesbian/straight/bi? So I have an inclination of what's going on! lol

Thanks for taking the time to read this by the way, I appreciate it.

mollzer

Hi, firstly take a deep breath after that post! and dont apologise for getting your feelings down!
Forums help mostly be being able to get stuff off your mind, even if you dont get any responses!

You are only 18! at your age you should be having fun, not worrying about giving yourself a label or putting yourself in a gay/straight box.


I was once confused about my sexuality when I was your age (am in my mid thirties now), I fancied fellas and emotionally faniced girls when I was in my late teens/early twenties. I thought I just couldnt be a lesbian, in fact I was afraid that I might be a lesbian if I daydreamed about my female friends.
It was wrecking my head! so eventually I decided I must be Bi, and lived a straight life. I wouldve loved to have kissed some of the women I emotionally fancied, but never had the guts to go through with it.
I fell for a guy and got married and tried to think no more about feelings I had for a friend.
It turned out to be an abusive relationship and we eventually seperated. It was then I was free to explore my sexuality. I 'came out' to myself 3 years ago and have never looked back!
It was the most liberating feeling! finally having found myself.

My advice for you is to stop worrying! go with the flow, remember sexaulity is fluid, and you are unique.

Go out and have fun, doesnt matter if thats with men or women, sexually or emotionally or both!

OneArt

You could be asexual towards women: there's aesthetic attraction and then sexual attraction.

Hi Unsuregirl, when i read ur tread i thought that was exactly like how i used to feel and it drove me mad thinkin was i lesbian/bi or not, same case where I was attracted to certain women, in school it was 2 teachers. They were good looking, funny, great personalities and I thought there was "something about them" but couldn't put my finger on it. I thought maybe it was that i aspired to be like them when i was older, or maybe I wanted somethin from them that i didnt get from my mother. I would often fantasize about livin with them, or just hangin about with them, but nothin ever sexual, I too was put off by lady private parts (but was attracted to males sexually). So i thought for that reason i couldnt be gay if i didnt fancy them but then couldnt understand why i couldnt stop thinkin about them!
Then in university I became a little "obsessed" with a girl i lived with, (i had been friends with through highschool and had always been drawn to her) I couldn't stop thinkin about her, wanted to be with her all the time, hating her boyfriend! I put this down to havin an obsessive personality (which i dont have) but occassionally when i was drunk i would admit to myself i may be bi, but then the next i would write it off as thinkin stupid sh*t when i was drunk! All the while here i still taught to be with a woman sexually would be discusting (although i didnt think i would be opposed to kissin) and i really fancied males.
Since then i had always been confused or maybe i just didnt want to admit what i already knew. I thought it pretty coincidental that all the girls i was drawn or "obsessed" were pretty hot!:)
But recently (12 months ago) i became good friends witha girl, it was like we're best friends from the day we first met and have practically hung out with each everyday. We've been jokin around that we're lesbians, and often make jokes about how we should have sex and stuff. But over the past while we've been gettin a bit closer. (this is what i came onto the forum lookin for advice for). She oftens sleeps over at mine (in my bed) and at first we would cuddle (i have done this with other friends, so didnt think anything sexual of it) but know i feel so sexually attracted to her and have now finally admitted that i am and all along have been bi-sexual.

Peggypeg

Hey Unsuregirl, Don't really have much new to add, except, stop worrying about it!!! Don't try to figure yourself out to that extent, I don't think sexuality should be an identifier, just sleep with who you want to sleep with, maybe it'll be guys sometimes and girls sometimes either way it doesn't really matter. You should be very good to yourself at the moment you poor thing, that was a horrible thing to happen to you - hugs. So yeah be very good to yourself and just go with the flow, it'll become apparent over time where your preference lies, or then again maybe it won't and you'll switch sometimes but the main thing is it doesn't matter which gender you like.

spurious

It doesn't answer your question, but I hope you have got some help regarding the assault you suffered.

The rest of your post really just describes what being 18 is like for a lot of women. Some end up gay, some end up straight, some end up bi. People change as life and age changes them. It's a time of experimentation and self-discovery. Enjoy it.

LegacyUser

Im a bit older then you....24 and have a fantastic bf since christmas (before that i was in a very abusive relationship) but since Paddys Weekend when i met a friend of his from college I just cant stop thinking about her, I dream about her I imagine kissing her and having sex with her I really so want her just as equally I WANT my bf too he knows i think that I hve ideas about her and knows I have had gay experiences before we met but this is different i want them both.....

A.Blinkin

I have always fancied women, and in college I had some crushes and kissed a few girls but things never progressed. I really feel like my desire for women is exacerbated by the fact that I never went further. Now, I'm 26 and am in a seriousish (it's a new word!) relationship, but I can't stop thinking about what it would be like. Question is whether it is just curiousity. Women that are open to bi-relations should be forced to wear a badge. It would be so much easier to put this and them to bed.....

markkeane

You said you were raped by two guys six months earlier. Did you report this to the Gardai, Rape Crisis Centre?
I would sort out that part of your life initially before dealing with whether you are bi or lesbian.

LookingFor

Human relationships can be pretty complicated..

When I read "but am not sexually attracted to them and am totally turned off by..ahem..female private parts! " that sounded pretty clearcut to me.. in that if you're not sexually attracted to women, you're not gay or bisexual. I was all ready to firmly declare you as a straight person

However the next paragraph muddies the water a bit. Love comes in many different forms. The love you describe is love, but I'm not sure if it's 'eros' - i.e. erotic love. It sounds almost more like a maternal love as you describe it.

I would guess it's quite possible for a straight person to love someone of the same gender..even in quite a deep emotional sense..someone who isn't family. But if it's not erotic love, does it reflect on your sexuality? That's the question I think..

I'm very sorry to hear about what happened to you also wrt the rape..as others have said, if you haven't already you should consider reaching out for support..if not also to the gardai.

Otaku Girl

Why do you care if you're lesbian or bi.I don't understand peoples obsessions with labels....

kumate_champ07

after reading your post i dont think you are gay. i think you want to be this woman, you admire her beauty and her life. i think alot of women have had close friends that they have had some kind of attraction too.

did you report the rape? im sure it has had a deeper effect on you since then perhaps.

depression can make you question yourself and life alot. it can also effect your judgement and how you look at things.