Broke up last week and I moved out..possible to get back together?

LegacyUser

Met a girl last year .. moved in within 3 months..issues started recently re an ex of hers...ended up with me seeing a txt to ex last tuesday stating that she loved him (we were both kinda drunk at a bbq..) I lost the plot..I left, returned on wed and took all my stuff and reneted an apt.however we have both been IN BITS all week .. things have calmed down..long long long conversation on fone tonight where we mentioned possibility of 'getting back together' but with me not moving back in ...for now at least...do ye reckon this is possible? We're both divorced, kids and we do / did love each other madly...it may have been a big mis understanding and I may have overrected by moving out... we were both wrong...if it is possible how should I play it...I miss her terribly

LegacyUser

Any thought?

IRISH RAIL

did you find out why she send a text to her ex?
I wouldnt be too quick to call that a misunderstanding love can be blind and all that.
to me if I seen that I would walk away and leave her to him sure she was drunk but it didnt come out of the blue you need to get to the bottom of this before i would even considier getting back let alone moving in.

Taltos

IRISH RAIL wrote: »

did you find out why she send a text to her ex?
I wouldnt be too quick to call that a misunderstanding love can be blind and all that.
to me if I seen that I would walk away and leave her to him sure she was drunk but it didnt come out of the blue you need to get to the bottom of this before i would even considier getting back let alone moving in.

Good starting point.
Until you really know the context how can you really make a decision. She has kids with this guy - so you know she might still love him and all for being the father of her kids - but not be any way in love with him.
Slim distinction but one I know the opposite sex are good at making.

Think you are right to play is slow and not rush back in together - but at the heart of this there is a trust issue you both need to work on and maybe even the setting of some easy ground-rules - ie "don't tell anyone else you love them (well except for the kids)"....

Hope this works out for you.

I_am_Jebus

At first glance, it seems to me to be a case of leaving it be right now and not going back there. Unless you can get to a reasonable explanation of the text you saw. However, I personally, cannot see any reasonable explanation.

Surely you must have discussed the spark of the break up (the text)? What has been said about it?

You seemed to move in very quickly - is her ex a recent ex?

Munster_Gal

Theres obviously a reason she sent the text. If there's even a remote possibility that she is still in love with her ex then don't go back there.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

Good starting point.
Until you really know the context how can you really make a decision. She has kids with this guy - so you know she might still love him and all for being the father of her kids - but not be any way in love with him.
Slim distinction but one I know the opposite sex are good at making.

Think you are right to play is slow and not rush back in together - but at the heart of this there is a trust issue you both need to work on and maybe even the setting of some easy ground-rules - ie "don't tell anyone else you love them (well except for the kids)"....

Hope this works out for you.

No not her ex hubbie (he's an ok guy..) but her ex bf that she saw for 4 years after marriage break up (so not dad to kids..)
She has been in touch with this guy again over last while (and it has caused lots of issues..eg meeting him on girls night out whilst I was mind HER kids..) she told me afew weeks ago she had considered going back with him but had ruled it out and that she wanted me and loved me..I accepted that and thought we were ok....

As for text..says she was just being 'caring' that other friends were texting him too...he does have a gf but apparently doesnt really care for her...

Am I been made a fool of here?

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

She's in love with her ex who she probably can't have so feels that you are a safe alternative.

Sounds like she simply hasnt got over him yet.

You moved in very quickly. Why was that?

OP here...


They split up over a year ago cos he was a waster (her words...) he has been a 'problem' all along...eg ringing each other at xmas (she said she felt sorry for him cos it was his first xmas away form the family..not his family mind you !!)


As for moving in....we were in love and it seemed the right thing to do...

Barracudaincork

You seemed to be in a rush to move in together and then you move out just as quick. Does living with someone mean so little to you that you can move in and out with little thought? Serioulsy does it? Because if living with someone is not a big deal to you, then we have a different view of your situation, as generally speaking living with someone means something.

The text you saw at the BBQ you were both at, did she send it then or did you just read it then?

Wibbs

Like I_am_Jebus wrote if your relationship was within sniffing distance of her previous one I would be thinking she hasn't fully dealt with the emotional ramifications of the previous relationship. Common enough and how rebounds happen. Rebounds tend to be intense affairs too. They rush quickly into full relationship status very quickly as a way to replace the feelings lost by the previous relationships. Even if they aren't in love with the previous person. Moving in after 3 months seems rushed to me. Of course people differ a lot and what may be way to quick for one, maybe not soon enough for another.

Plus given the info so far this could be completely wild conjecture on my part anyway.

As for the "I love you" text to the ex. Hmmm. OK, yes it could be as Taltos wrote, the diff between love and in love. Big distinction for many, especially women. IME they certainly use the line "I love you but Im not in love with you" more than men. The biggest diff between the two feelings is they want to get nekkid with the in love guy and don't with the love guy.

I still find it a tad strange though. If they've been apart for years and have settled into a routine as close mates and co parents, then I could see it being mentioned. I have close women mates that have said it to me and there was never any sexual thing between us. I would say though that they wouldn't say it to me to a boyfriend. They would realise his eyebrow would go up.

If there was little gap between you and the previous I would be very dubious. It's not really the kind of thing you say to an ex in that circumstance. If she left him, the chances are he didn't want the split, so it would be at least pretty daft of her to say it and would add to any hard feelings he had, which surely she would realise. If he left her? Just as bad as chances are she didn't want the split so saying I love you is her leaving the door open.

In any case, she's not a kid by the sounds of things so she should well know the diff between I love you and in love and how men can mistake the difference and not say it.

We need more details though. Nothing too personal, just the timelines involved. What reason she gave for sending the text etc? BTW "I don't know, I was drunk/confused" followed by blubbing is not a reason IMHO.

I_am_Jebus

Unregistered wrote: »

No not her ex hubbie (he's an ok guy..) but her ex bf that she saw for 4 years after marriage break up (so not dad to kids..)
She has been in touch with this guy again over last while (and it has caused lots of issues..eg meeting him on girls night out whilst I was mind HER kids..) she told me afew weeks ago she had considered going back with him but had ruled it out and that she wanted me and loved me..I accepted that and thought we were ok....

As for text..says she was just being 'caring' that other friends were texting him too...he does have a gf but apparently doesnt really care for her...

Am I been made a fool of here?

Clearly, you are being made a fool of.

The girl either doesn't know what she wants or knows what she wants (the other guy) but is afraid to chance it and you are the safety net.

Either way. Get away from her. This is only gonna end up badly for you. And by your way of dealing with it so far, like accepting that she was in consideration of the future of your (plural) relationship and you sitting back waiting for her to decide has seriously compromised your position, integrity and equality in the relationship. You have effectively given her a green light to treat you as she sees fit. Move on and do so quickly for your own good.

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

You seemed to be in a rush to move in together and then you move out just as quick. Does living with someone mean so little to you that you can move in and out with little thought? Serioulsy does it? Because if living with someone is not a big deal to you, then we have a different view of your situation, as generally speaking living with someone means something.

The text you saw at the BBQ you were both at, did she send it then or did you just read it then?

Living there / moving in meant the world to me...we had a wee split a few weeks ago over this guy..I thought it was resolved but when I saw text (which was sent in front of me at bbq..) I lost the plot and left (could take no more..)

Moving in / out were both huge events in my life...

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

She has been in touch with this guy again over last while (and it has caused lots of issues..eg meeting him on girls night out whilst I was mind HER kids..) she told me afew weeks ago she had considered going back with him but had ruled it out and that she wanted me and loved me..I accepted that and thought we were ok...

Whooah there tiger. She considered going back and you accepted that? OK fair enough for her being honest. That's cool, but all too often "honesty" can be a way of hedging bets, so that if anything does kick off down the line, well she did tell you she wasn't sure. She's in touch with this guy and I suspect more than you know. Indeed I would put money on it.

As for text..says she was just being 'caring' that other friends were texting him too...he does have a gf but apparently doesnt really care for her...

Hmmm I sniff a large member of the rodentia family. Caring my eye. It just doesn't sit right with me. At all. If she had texted, "you're in our thoughts hope your well". then cool. Game on. "I love you"? again doesn't sit right. The fact that she knows he doesnt really care for his GF rings bells for me. It sounds like one of those conversations was had; "My GF, yes she's cool, but I don't really feel it for her" With a possible side order of "it was different with you". How else does she know the guy isnt pushed on his GF?

Am I been made a fool of here?

TBH I dunno about fool, but you're not getting the whole picture. My 2 cents? The ex guy has a hold over her. She's still attracted to him. He's unreliable so she walked, but that attraction is still there. She's attracted to you and you're the reliable guy in this. I suspect she still has that faraway hots for yer man though. Maybe there's some aspect of him she misses in you. Who knows?

About her. Is she very emotional? Does she seek emotional hits and drama?

I would stand by my original post, regardless of conjecture, the picture you're painting is someone who hasn't fully detached from the previous relationship, before kicking off a new one. It even sounds to me like she was running from that relationship and ran to you and ramped up the new relationship very quickly. They split a year ago. It sound like you're with her six months or more and moved in very quickly? So the gap is pretty damned small. The contact and nature of the contact is a bit much considering the history and you've had rows over this contact.

I do think there are two guys in her head. yes she's with you, but a part of her is still attached to him in an unhealthy way for your relationship. Now it may well not be sexual in nature, but it is a connection.

Wibbs

I_am_Jebus wrote: »

And by your way of dealing with it so far, like accepting that she was in consideration of the future of your (plural) relationship and you sitting back waiting for her to decide has seriously compromised your position, integrity and equality in the relationship. You have effectively given her a green light to treat you as she sees fit.

+1

Barracudaincork

OP i have to be honest with you here and say, this isnt going anywhere but downhill.

I do believe she means a lot to you and that your feelings for her are genuine, however I do feel those feelings are one-sided. She shouldnt send a text like that to an ex, there is really no reason or excuse for it, the word love is such a strong word and has deep meaning, a meaning you generally dont apply to an ex unless there are true feelings of love there still.

She seems like a drama seeker, which is why the break-ups you both have had already, the comments about how she feels about her ex (which more than likely was accompanied by a "i have to be being honest with you, as i respect you so much" speech) , the sending the text in front of you, she seems to crave excitment and drama but in a negative way. This way is not fair on you.

I really think its time you accepted that all was not as it seemed and move on from this, no matter how hard it is today to do that, it will be harder to do it tomorrow or the next day or the next etc

LegacyUser

OP here..

Thanks for all for your input...exact same as any of my friends input....

Just to say that contact was only reestablished with ex when she rushed to his mums funeral...straight off out flight back from hols ...

Ever since then she has been withdrawn etc leading to what I've described.....

I agree with all your comments but .... but...if I was to try it whilst living away would I be dicing with danger.....

Mind you I dont know if she really means what she says about maybe trying again...ex is away as far as I know.....so Im sure that could change when he returns ( tomorrow I think...)

Anyhow thanks again..we shall see what happens...cheers

Barracudaincork

Unregistered wrote: »

I agree with all your comments but .... but...if I was to try it whilst living away would I be dicing with danger.....

You are pandering to us now, by saying you agree with our comments but........ No ifs, buts or maybes about it you will be dicing with danger. Come on, you so know this, really deep down you know this, you are just so hoping you are wrong. I can see why you would hope that too, its normal to hope that, but you also have to be realistic!!!

Taltos

OP

you asked if you were being made a fool of - I think you know the answer to that without asking.

Think you need a clean break from this woman, at least until she is 100% truthful with you.
Come on man - what person in their right mind in a loving caring relationship has their partner baby-sit while they go out with an ex.
More to the point - what person in their right mind would accept being treated as a live-in-baby-sitter.

Look - you obviously care for her and if she does care for you then a break of a few weeks might help. BUT - in the meantime if she is sniffing around her EX or him around her - then I think you know the answer - question is will you accept it.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here..

Thanks for all for your input...exact same as any of my friends input....

Well input can go either way and oft times it's wrong, but I look at it this way; if one person tells me I'm a bit smelly, I might ignore it, if ten do, I buy soap.

Just to say that contact was only reestablished with ex when she rushed to his mums funeral...straight off out flight back from hols ...

OK her going to his mums funeral is good. Kind even and fair enough. No probs there. If she was with him for 4 years and didn't I'd actually think less of her. That's not the issue though.

Ever since then she has been withdrawn etc leading to what I've described.....

Ok who knows what went on at the funeral. Now it could simply be that the emotion of the occasion was strong and this confused her feelings for him. She feels overwhelming sympathy when she sees him and as I say confuses that with something else. Common enough and I have to say IMHO much more common with a certain subset of women, where strong emotion of one sort is confused for strong emotion of an entirely different sort. The idea that she feels something so that must mean something. Works at weddings too.

I would reckon that had a lot to do with it. If she still finds him attractive at all this will escalate this feeling of it meaning something. This will throw her. If he appears even slightly different or she thinks hes changed or the emotion forgets the reasons she left him, then attraction can and often does build.

I agree with all your comments but .... but...if I was to try it whilst living away would I be dicing with danger.....

How do you mean?

Mind you I dont know if she really means what she says about maybe trying again...ex is away as far as I know.....so Im sure that could change when he returns ( tomorrow I think...)

It's possible. If I were him and wanted her back? This would defo be the time for it. Play into her confusion and be strong and supportive and let her think she's making her own mind up about me.

Personally conjecture aside, I do think she's in emotionally confused mode. She's drawn to you in one way(maybe the novelty/safe bet) and she's drawn to him because of a long shared past and possible emotional bonding at the funeral. Either way at the moment she's not with either of you really. IMHO when someone, especially a woman is in love with a new guy, the ex is not in play at all(men are often much dafter with significant exes IME). At best they may think of the shared time fondly but that passes, at worst they despise him and either way think the new guy is "the best I've ever known/can't imagine feeling like this again".

So long as two guys are in her heart, she doesn't have enough heart for one. I think you may have been the "rebound" or inbetweeny guy. I hope it does work out OK for you and it will be hard on you if it doesn't, but I would think of it this way; would you want to be with someone who is thinking of another. Same for him BTW if she does hook up with him. I guarantee she'll think of you too.

My opinion anyway such as it is.

LegacyUser

Update

Went over to see her tonite...

Long conversation..appears I may have been jumping to conclusions and there were lots of mis understandings..incl the texts etc...she is a very kind person and has assured me she has NO interest in ex...I believe her FULLY...hard to explain but I just know she is telling the truth..

We have agreed to wipe slate clean and try again (with me staying living away....for the immediate...)

Only issue is now that her eldest, 12, came down stairs whilst I was there and didnt seem impressed to see me...we had gotten on great but she would obviously blame me for her mums unhappiness this last week...

So that may get throw a fly in the ointment..but if now we'll play it cool and see what happens...

Thank you all !!

Wibbs

Well I for one hope it was just a bump in the road and it turns out well for you both. I would say it can still turn out well if you remain mindful.

IMHO Too many men and women in love ignore sometimes really obvious stuff. Naturally too as they want to protect themselves emotionally. They project an ideal onto a partner and will accept the maddest explanations so long as it sits with the ideal. Love is blind and can be deaf dumb and daft too.

You say she gave you explanations that sat well with you. Misunderstandings etc. Cool, but don't dismiss your initial suspicions wholesale as being utterly wrong. They may well have been, but she did not help. Sending a txt that says "I love you" to another man that she had a 4 year romantic relationship that ended not long before you showed up is something you should have red flagged. Especially as he was a bone of contention for you both recently. I just don't see an explanation for it. The most innocent explanation might be she was a either daft or trying to score points for some reason.

Either way, be mindful. I'm not saying not to trust her. I trust people all the time, but I trust people to be people and I also trust myself more.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

Well I for one hope it was just a bump in the road and it turns out well for you both. I would say it can still turn out well if you remain mindful.

IMHO Too many men and women in love ignore sometimes really obvious stuff. Naturally too as they want to protect themselves emotionally. They project an ideal onto a partner and will accept the maddest explanations so long as it sits with the ideal. Love is blind and can be deaf dumb and daft too.

You say she gave you explanations that sat well with you. Misunderstandings etc. Cool, but don't dismiss your initial suspicions wholesale as being utterly wrong. They may well have been, but she did not help. Sending a txt that says "I love you" to another man that she had a 4 year romantic relationship that ended not long before you showed up is something you should have red flagged. Especially as he was a bone of contention for you both recently. I just don't see an explanation for it. The most innocent explanation might be she was a either daft or trying to score points for some reason.

Either way, be mindful. I'm not saying not to trust her. I trust people all the time, but I trust people to be people and I also trust myself more.

Thanks wibbs..the explanation given, as such..is that she was just being stupid..we hadnt been getting on (I suppose really because we were crowding each other out and getting bored with the daily routine...having the kids around almost 24/7 left us little time for ourselves..) So we were getting on each others nerves and tension grew...
She has explained that she was being silly, looking back with rose tinted glasses etc whilst having a few beers. I agree it was totally wrong of her however I can see where she was coming from.. She has stated that she has NO interest in ex..ever..I have agreed to take that 100% in good faith..To be fair, he is back in the country, if she wanted him there is nothing stopping her now but she has suggested we try again..I wont move back in, I'll stay in my apt...and see if we can recreate the magic (its not entirely gone :-) )
It wont be easy .. we lived together for 7 months..so going back to 'dating' will have its problems..also we are mindful of the kids (both hers and mine..) who have seen both of us very messed up this last week


I wonder has anyone else any stories of people living together, briefly splitting up and getting back together, though not living together and then working all out????

Wibbs

Well I've heard the maddest stories of couples that split, got back together, split again(even divorced), even went off with others and it worked out in the end. I've also seen couples who had very minor bumps in the road and went kaput. It's so down to the individuals really.

IRISH RAIL

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks wibbs..the explanation given, as such..is that she was just being stupid..we hadnt been getting on (I suppose really because we were crowding each other out and getting bored with the daily routine...having the kids around almost 24/7 left us little time for ourselves..) So we were getting on each others nerves and tension grew...
She has explained that she was being silly, looking back with rose tinted glasses etc whilst having a few beers. I agree it was totally wrong of her however I can see where she was coming from.. She has stated that she has NO interest in ex..ever..I have agreed to take that 100% in good faith..To be fair, he is back in the country, if she wanted him there is nothing stopping her now but she has suggested we try again..I wont move back in, I'll stay in my apt...and see if we can recreate the magic (its not entirely gone :-) )
It wont be easy .. we lived together for 7 months..so going back to 'dating' will have its problems..also we are mindful of the kids (both hers and mine..) who have seen both of us very messed up this last week


I wonder has anyone else any stories of people living together, briefly splitting up and getting back together, though not living together and then working all out????

sorry op but i have to say i can see you coming back here in a few months with a she cheated with the ex after a few beers thread.
after a few beers people dont text there ex i love you maybe something else if there looking at it with "rose tinted glasses".
ok she told you she doesnt have any interest in him perhaps thats because she cant have him? maybe he has a girlfriend etc.
what happens the next night she goes out with the girls and gets a bit drunk is that a green light to text an ex something very significant?
I wish you well but I would like you to keep your eyes wide open as this could very easily fall apart right in front of you

Munster_Gal

More often than not people are more honest with a few drinks in them
I really hope it works out for you but keep your senses about you all the same.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks wibbs..the explanation given, as such..is that she was just being stupid..we hadnt been getting on (I suppose really because we were crowding each other out and getting bored with the daily routine...having the kids around almost 24/7 left us little time for ourselves..) So we were getting on each others nerves and tension grew...
She has explained that she was being silly, looking back with rose tinted glasses etc whilst having a few beers. I agree it was totally wrong of her however I can see where she was coming from.. She has stated that she has NO interest in ex..ever..

You know what I'm reading there? Half assed, weak, pathetic excuses from someone who doesn't seem to know her arse from her elbow.

If he's such a 'waster' how come she is still in so much contact with him?
If I were to make a bet, she still cares deeply for him, but she knows he's no good so that is why she's with you instead.

She cares for you, just not the way she does him, she knows you are better for her, not a waster, a good man, but for some reason she can't quite fathom, he still has an emotional hold over her.

Course, I'm just guessing here, but I bet I'm not far off.

LegacyUser

Op here ..AGAIN !!!

I do actually believe her that its just cos she was so pissed off with me that texts etc were sent ... although all Ive spoken to say to stay the heck away...problem is not only do I love her.. I was gonna ask her to marry me..so its not that easy just to walk away..

However I do fully expect this to die in the near future..got a text this morning saying she was still very down and thought she was on verge of a nervous breakdown...so that doesnt bode well....still Im hoping that I can be strong enough to try this for a wee while whilst not living with her...if we cant get on only seeing each other a couple of times a week then it wasnt meant to be...

No doubt there are further twists and turns in this one and if ye dont mind I will keep ye advised..thanks all xx

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

I do actually believe her that its just cos she was so pissed off with me that texts etc were sent ...

Oh I believe her too. It's the why of it. Plus if all she was doing was scoring points then she's acting a bit childish for a grown woman IMHO.

problem is not only do I love her.. I was gonna ask her to marry me..so its not that easy just to walk away..

It never is. No doubt about that. I just work on the principle of I love myself first. Before anyone else. If boundaries are crossed, or I feel I'm not getting the full picture then I figure heartbreaking though it may be for me at the time, it's better to move on. I do understand thats me though and people differ. You feel you've turned some corner and the future is still up for grabs with her and that's cool and I hope it does work out for you both.

However I do fully expect this to die in the near future..got a text this morning saying she was still very down and thought she was on verge of a nervous breakdown...so that doesnt bode well...

OK emotions are running high, but why is she the one on the verge of a breakdown as she put it? She does sound like someone as Beruthiel said, who doesn't know her arse from her elbow. Confused emotionally. I honestly think she is caught between deciding as we speak. Now it could be she has no interest in this ex guy, but it does sound like her feelings for you are up in the air. He's just amplifying that. It also feels like that old chestnut of emotional blackmail or you being lined up for "blame" for her head being wrecked. If that is the case, you be mindful of a couple of things. Number one it takes two to tango and we're only getting your side, but equally, none of this would have come to a head if she wasn't sending "I love you" texts to a significant ex. BTW did you ever find out how he responded? I mean if I got a text like that out of the blue from an ex I would react and wonder what was up. I defo would ring her to find out what's what. I would be shocked if he didn't.

still Im hoping that I can be strong enough to try this for a wee while whilst not living with her...if we cant get on only seeing each other a couple of times a week then it wasnt meant to be...

Very true.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

OK emotions are running high, but why is she the one on the verge of a breakdown as she put it? She does sound like someone as Beruthiel said, who doesn't know her arse from her elbow. Confused emotionally. I honestly think she is caught between deciding as we speak. Now it could be she has no interest in this ex guy, but it does sound like her feelings for you are up in the air. He's just amplifying that. It also feels like that old chestnut of emotional blackmail or you being lined up for "blame" for her head being wrecked. If that is the case, you be mindful of a couple of things. Number one it takes two to tango and we're only getting your side, but equally, none of this would have come to a head if she wasn't sending "I love you" texts to a significant ex. BTW did you ever find out how he responded? I mean if I got a text like that out of the blue from an ex I would react and wonder what was up. I defo would ring her to find out what's what. I would be shocked if he didn't.Very true.

No idea if/how he responded...

he is back in Dublin since sunday .. she could have seen him sunday as kids were at their dads..but I know she didnt..she was sitting in with her cousin...

I honestly dont think ex is the issue anymore..its more whether she want me or not...says she has been told by friends Im too quiet for her, she's a very outgoing person (and by heck is she..) and that Im not as outgoing...now Im hardly a quiet guy..love my nights out, can drink anyone under the table and love mixing with friends..so Im not entirely sure where she's at now..seems like excuses

She appears TOTALLY confused about her life in general (not just me..)
mind you she always has been like this..I was hoping that I could have been her 'rock' and helped her overcome all her issues by supporting her .. seems not...

anyhow I'd better do some work...

IRISH RAIL

Unregistered wrote: »

No idea if/how he responded...

he is back in Dublin since sunday .. she could have seen him sunday as kids were at their dads..but I know she didnt..she was sitting in with her cousin...

I honestly dont think ex is the issue anymore..its more whether she want me or not...says she has been told by friends Im too quiet for her, she's a very outgoing person (and by heck is she..) and that Im not as outgoing...now Im hardly a quiet guy..love my nights out, can drink anyone under the table and love mixing with friends..so Im not entirely sure where she's at now..seems like excuses

She appears TOTALLY confused about her life in general (not just me..)
mind you she always has been like this..I was hoping that I could have been her 'rock' and helped her overcome all her issues by supporting her .. seems not...

anyhow I'd better do some work...

op I think its her that needs to do some work you sound like a nice enough guy ie. pretty stable responsible etc. id suggest she goes to a gp/counsellor straight away if shes on the verge of a breakdown if she refuses then I think you have your answer, as for the she could have seen the ex on sunday maybe he was tired... he was only back from being away theres lots of excuses to not see a person one day.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

mind you she always has been like this..I was hoping that I could have been her 'rock' and helped her overcome all her issues by supporting her .. seems not....

Now maybe I'm projecting and all that, but I've been there. More than once and I'll tell you now that's the "rock" you will perish on. A big red flag IMHO. If someone needs saving, you are never in a position to save them. Even if you do end up helping them, they will leave 9 times outa 10. Mostly because you get them through a rough patch and you're no longer required or they don't want to be reminded of that time. A lot of rebounds start out that way too as emotional bridges to the next phase.

LegacyUser

OP here...OK more soul searching and an epihany has resulted....I know that she was to blame here but I also played a huge part..wont go in to details :-)
Meeting here for lunch today...and plan is to meet up sunday...Its really difficult and weird after living together for ages but it might be best...Im hoping that if we both have our own space continue to see each other that we can sort it out and move along as planned...
I get the distinct impression from her that if I hadn't moved out lock stock and barrell that she wanted to try sort things but TBH its prob best the way it happened...

The question of her kids being upset (cos I moved out so suddenly..and they more than likely blame me on all..only natural..) is a problem...but I have a solution...bribary LOL
Cheers

LegacyUser

Op here...so finally I NEED YOUR ADVICE

Met up a couple of times last week..all was good..agreed to 'give it a go'..I believe her fully about ex...nothing there !!

She came to visit yesterday as ex hubbie had kids..

Very strange atmosphere..had a bite to eat but tension was unbearable..wnat back to show her my new place..

Conversation started and quickly ended up with her saying ' Ít's no good, I do love you but not enough..if all was good with us Id want to drag you straight down to bed etc etc etc but I dont cos I havent that feeling anymore'..she went on to say that that was why we hadnt been making love much for ages cos she had kinda gone stale ages ago..seemingly the daily routine was boring and we never got any quality time together without the kdis around...which is true..we settled into an old married couples routine far too quickly and forgot to have fun..
I was heartbroken..tears on both sides, more discussion about what went wrong...she went to go several times but I asked her to stay and chat a wee bit more as I would never see her again...

Anyhow..this SOMEHOW this ended up with us in bed, had the best sex Ive ever had..she was also full of compliments that she never gave before (which would have made a big difference..) said she had forgotten how good it was between us,,,etc etc
Fully expected her to get up and go then..but no.. she asked me over to hers, we went for a few beers, had a brill night, chatted loads and had a great laugh and I stayed the night (just sleep as we were both wrecked..)

anyhow I got up this morn kissed her bye and went to work...we hadnt really discussed what was going on..she just said afterwards last night that she didnt know and didnt want to break my heart...

So...whats all this aboout????

Barracudaincork

Unregistered wrote: »

So...whats all this aboout????

IMO its all about having your cake and eating it too!!!

Im not saying she is a bad person, but she is toxic for you OP. This is not how a relationship should be. You know that deep down OP, you are just willing at present to settle for less than you deserve.

Wibbs

OK and sorry if this comes off harshly.

She is Major Headwreck Confused Woman tm(male model also available).

Like I said earlier I still think the ex is in play. Not even in reality, but in her head. You are the safe guy and what with the instant married couple, she's not excited by you as much as she was by the ex. You know the ex that was a "waster"? Yea well I guarantee she didn't leave him because he didn't excite her, she left him because she never saw him settling down. He made her more excited in my humble. This is what I mean by him being in play.

He gave her something you don't. You gave her something he didn't too, but in both your cases it's not enough.

The "I don't feel it" is her saying I'm not attracted to you sexually/romantically. Next step, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". The night of passion I think is more a "oh god I could be single again, lets try another go" more than anything.

Now bear in mind and bear it well I could be horribly wrong on this. Horribly, but so far my crystal ball and the other crystal balls on here have been seeing the same future.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

OK and sorry if this comes off harshly.

She is Major Headwreck Confused Woman tm(male model also available).

Like I said earlier I still think the ex is in play. Not even in reality, but in her head. You are the safe guy and what with the instant married couple, she's not excited by you as much as she was by the ex. You know the ex that was a "waster"? Yea well I guarantee she didn't leave him because he didn't excite her, she left him because she never saw him settling down. He made her more excited in my humble. This is what I mean by him being in play.

He gave her something you don't. You gave her something he didn't too, but in both your cases it's not enough.

The "I don't feel it" is her saying I'm not attracted to you sexually/romantically. Next step, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". The night of passion I think is more a "oh god I could be single again, lets try another go" more than anything.

Now bear in mind and bear it well I could be horribly wrong on this. Horribly, but so far my crystal ball and the other crystal balls on here have been seeing the same future.

OP eher....again......I can hear ye groan...
Well here's a snippet of the last unfolding of this mystery lol...nearly over people bear with with :-)

eamil received this evening...this is just a snippet

'Yesterday has certainly given me plenty to consider.....plenty....I do need time to put everything into perspective, and I know you will give me the space and time over the next few days to do that......If we make the decision to be together, then it will be for the long term, so its a big big decision to make and I have to get it right....talk to you in the next few days....night babe. x x '

So I wait I guess?...and also try to move along cos I can see whats coming..I honestly dont believe the ex is in play..believe me I have my reasons......thanks all .. ye are all fab

xx

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

So I wait I guess?...and also try to move along cos I can see whats coming

I would say move along. Don;t wait longer than the weekend. If she wants to make it work she will go after you. If not, then you know where you stand.

..I honestly dont believe the ex is in play..believe me I have my reasons......

I'm not suggesting that he is physically in play. What I'm suggesting is that her image of him is. Her image of the excitement he brought to the table. He must have brought something to the table. Yes she called him a waster, but she went with the same waster for 4 years. People have a habit of rewriting the past to justify or cover up their actions in the past. Naturally as it helps moving on. I just believe regardless of how she feels about this ex she hasn't moved on from him, or something he gave her is missing from your relationship. If it wasn't you wouldn't be here, she wouldn't have specifically texted "I love you" to him and you wouldn't be getting this back and forth guff.

Rb

Sorry but you're being taken for an absolute ride here (ignore the pun), she is messing you about and you're sitting here not only blaming yourself, but playing down the things she has said/done.

If you don't walk away from this immediately you are going to be destroyed. You seem like a real nice guy but you're extremely naive and this is going to bite you in the ass.

She tried to break up with you yesterday, take that as a sign and finish it with her now and then break all contact. You obviously love the woman and she has you wrapped around her little finger, so if you keep in contact with her you're not going to get over her.

Good luck with it, although I fear for the worst.

Taltos

Wibbs has been spot on all through this thread.
Unfortunately you just don't want to admit this.

You might get the news you want later in the week - but odds-on that in a few months or a year you are going to go through all of this again.
This woman clearly does not care for you like you care for her - in fact she is banking on the fact that you are crazy in love with her.
Think about it - would you even consider for 1 minute treating her like she has treated you - even for 1 minute??? NOPE - and the reason she does - cause she just doesn't love you - not one iota.

She might care for you and I am sure she treasures the stability you bring to her and the kids - but man - there is no way in hell she really deeply loves you.

If you think you deserve to be treated like sh1t - stay.
But - if you want more for yourself (and you should) walk away now.
Contact her - and say - thanks for the break-up sex - you reminded me of what I deserve - will always care for you bla bla bla - but for your own sake get out of it now.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

Wibbs has been spot on all through this thread.
Unfortunately you just don't want to admit this.

You might get the news you want later in the week - but odds-on that in a few months or a year you are going to go through all of this again.
This woman clearly does not care for you like you care for her - in fact she is banking on the fact that you are crazy in love with her.
Think about it - would you even consider for 1 minute treating her like she has treated you - even for 1 minute??? NOPE - and the reason she does - cause she just doesn't love you - not one iota.

She might care for you and I am sure she treasures the stability you bring to her and the kids - but man - there is no way in hell she really deeply loves you.

If you think you deserve to be treated like sh1t - stay.
But - if you want more for yourself (and you should) walk away now.
Contact her - and say - thanks for the break-up sex - you reminded me of what I deserve - will always care for you bla bla bla - but for your own sake get out of it now.

OP here..
I know you guys are right but....what can one do...Im in love still..

Just cant fathom why someone would string another along like this..be it the other night or the email last night..
Why not just say in email that it didnt work out and bye?? That would have been closure..but no, it's stringing along again...

I've split up with girls in the past but I didnt do the whole stringing along thing...

My head is wrecked..Ive lost about a stone in weight..dont eat dont sleep..

But I agree .. if she loved me she wouldnt do this to me so Im just being stupid....I wont contact her again..I'll assume its gone..but TBH I dont know what I'll do if she comes back with 'I want us to be together..'
That's another days work altogether ....

Cheers..

Wibbs

Taltos wrote: »

This woman clearly does not care for you like you care for her - in fact she is banking on the fact that you are crazy in love with her.
Think about it - would you even consider for 1 minute treating her like she has treated you - even for 1 minute??? NOPE - and the reason she does - cause she just doesn't love you - not one iota.

She might care for you and I am sure she treasures the stability you bring to her and the kids - but man - there is no way in hell she really deeply loves you.

+1 The sound of nails been hit squarely on the head.

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here..
I know you guys are right but....what can one do...Im in love still..

Utterly understandable. We've all been screwed over by love at one time or other. What do you do? Acknowledge your feelings. Acknowledge your fears of loss. Acknowledge her lack of commitment. Acknowledge that regardless of how she feels for your sake you have to move on. If she does love you the way you hope she does she will follow.

Just cant fathom why someone would string another along like this..be it the other night or the email last night..
Why not just say in email that it didnt work out and bye?? That would have been closure..but no, it's stringing along again...

Any number of reasons, usually based on fear. Fear of being alone, fear of not meeting someone else better suited, fear of disrupting her kids again.

I've split up with girls in the past but I didnt do the whole stringing along thing...

Oh men do it too and no mistake. I've seen the results. I would say maybe more women do it as more of them put more store by relationships as an esteem thing so fear being alone or fear of being without a relationship in their lives or fear of the stigma of having a relationship fail, so they string out the guy until the replacement is found. That way they can say to themselves(and others) "oh I've lost my relationship, but oh look I've found another guy and he's so much better"

My head is wrecked..Ive lost about a stone in weight..dont eat dont sleep..

Love yourself first. Get up dust yourself off and eat, go for a walk, get early nights. Build yourself back up again.

But I agree .. if she loved me she wouldnt do this to me so Im just being stupid....I wont contact her again..I'll assume its gone..but TBH I dont know what I'll do if she comes back with 'I want us to be together..'

Real easy. Make her prove it. Say "fine, if this is what you want, then lets move back in like before. Moving out was a retrograde step and I simply don't want or agree with that". Lay down some emotional rules on both sides, but fight yours first. If she hmmms and haawws you have your answer, just say goodbye and scrape her off completely. No answering phones, emails or txts. If she really wants you she'll go over to you and agree to meet you halfway.

LegacyUser

Thanks wibbs..your replies have always been totally honest and sensible....everything you say has been correct...

I'll post up how it goes in a few days....cheers

Wibbs

Good luck mate. I feel for you FWIW.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

Good luck mate. I feel for you FWIW.

Thanks wibbs...they do say Love is blind ...

Someone on here mentioned 'Toxic for me'...perhaps he's right...

Cheers

LegacyUser

Hi All..no actual updates but I wanted to apologise to ye all...ye have all been correct all along..
Ive had a good think about all and have deduced that it is indeed the ex all along..

she has been putting him down HUGELY recently...he's crap in bed (unlike you !!) he's a wanker, he ruined my life, my friends said they'd kill me if I went back with him, Im steering clear of the pub they used to drink in.....etc etc etc and on it went...

So what she is at is trying to make me think that we werent working out and that it was somehow my fault...when in fact she's just trying to cover up her deceit...

Also the sympathy shag and the email are likewise trying to make me think that she's thinking about us and is trying to decide .... when in fact she's back with him...

She probably feels slightly guilty about all and is trying to make HERSELF (who never does any wrong..) better about all this ..

So at last i know....

Any how rant over :-)

Barracudaincork

OP im delighted to hear you have seen her for what she is. Im not going to bad mouth her, i believe in karma and this episode of her life will come back to bite her.

Best of luck to you, you deserve it, you sound like a decent bloke!

LegacyUser

Barracudaincork wrote: »

OP im delighted to hear you have seen her for what she is. Im not going to bad mouth her, i believe in karma and this episode of her life will come back to bite her.

Best of luck to you, you deserve it, you sound like a decent bloke!

Thanks mate...but now my mind is deciding not to go along with yesterdays deductions ....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Anyhow >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Gyalist

It's hard for me, as a man, to give you any better advice than you have already received on this thread. But, to be honest, you are behaving like a very weak male: displaying no trust in your own judgement, being excessively emotional (or what Wibbs calls emotional incontinence), an apparent lack of self-control. No wonder your ex is all over the place when you yourself do not seem to know what you want.

Spare a thought for your ex's children. I noticed that they have a relationship with their biological father but it can't be doing them any good for you to be in and out of their home especially so soon after she split with the last boyfriend.

LegacyUser

Gyalist wrote: »

It's hard for me, as a man, to give you any better advice than you have already received on this thread. But, to be honest, you are behaving like a very weak male: displaying no trust in your own judgement, being excessively emotional (or what Wibbs calls emotional incontinence), an apparent lack of self-control. No wonder your ex is all over the place when you yourself do not seem to know what you want.

Spare a thought for your ex's children. I noticed that they have a relationship with their biological father but it can't be doing them any good for you to be in and out of their home especially so soon after she split with the last boyfriend.

Fair point re the children...but remember this is not my doing...I have only been honest and upfront with her all along....

Weak, no trust in my judgement, excessive emotion??? Im in Love with the woman....what can I say?

Anyhow, no word so I guess thats that !!!

LegacyUser

The final chapter..
No word all week..then I get text followed by call yesterday...

she has a house down the country that she cant sell or let..someone had super glued the front door lock...and she blamed me !!!! I was very saddened by this...she later apologised...

anyhow nothing more after than really...so I have FINALLY accepted that all is lost....

Dunno what that bloody email last week was all about though....madness...very confuded lady methinks...Cheers all...

Next !!! lol