Can't get over him...do I give up?

LegacyUser

A few months ago on a night out I was introduced to this guy by one of my friends (lets call him John), and from the very first moment we began talking I knew that I really liked him. Completely unlike the guys I would usually go for, he was funny, smart and we didn't stop talking all night. It all ended in a kiss and from then on we became best friends, talking constantly and eventually proressing to a relationship.

That was when it got complicated though, directly before meeting this guy I had literally just come out of a pretty bad relationship (with a friend of his although I did not know this until I had fallen for the new lad!) and my head was fairly all over the place, it ended quite abruptly and although I knew it was for the best, I still found it hard to get over him, even though my feelings for the John were far stronger than they had ever been with my ex. One night when myself and John had a tiff, I stupidly went out, had far too much to drink, and ended up in bed with my ex.

I immediately told John the next day as I was beside myself with guilt and anger at what I'd done, and was fairly sure I'd lost him forever because understandably, he was absolutely devastated. But a month later we began talking again and briefly began seeing each other again but it ended as he felt he couldn't trust me anymore. We would still speak but there was always that awkwardness so eventually the communication became less and less. We both began seeing other people - his new relationship being successful, mine not so much due to the fact that I was still head over heels with John.

It all changed one day when he called me and asked me to meet him for a talk. He was still with his girlfriend. We met and he ended up telling me that he has never stopped loving me etc. I begged him to give us another chance and he said he needs to think about it, but then later came back to me saying he couldn't lose everything with his current girlfriend for somebody who he might love but could no longer trust. I have been in bits since, I hate myself so much for messing things up with someone who is perfect in every single way. He is still with the other girl and seems happy, but it's getting increasingly difficult for me because we socialise with the same people so I see him a lot and its inevitable that there is still feelings between us that he won't act on, which is really hard for me.

I'm so sorry to everyone about the rant, I just need to get this out....what do ye think? Should I just give up on him or does anyone think that there is still a chance?

Mrs Shankly

Hi OP,

Its hard to say whether there really is a chance or not- and I know thats not very helpful!

One thing I will say though is that I think you should leave the relationship between him and his girlfriend to run its course-leave it develop or break organically. Getting involved with someone who has a girlfriend will nearly always end in tears. If he left her for you, you might wonder if he would do the same again to you.

He knows how you feel, so you can't really do much more. I could be wrong, but I would hazard a guess that if he is telling his ex he still loves her, that it doesn't say too much about the relationship.

So, in a nutshell, leave him to it, and try to move on- I know it is painful, but it will pass, I promise. You'll feel so much better not getting involved.

If he does break up with this girl, you can talk to him and see how he feels, and set about showing him that you made a mistake, one you wouldn't repeat.

If he doesn't break up with her, then chalk up the cheating to experience, and take the important lesson from it.

VaioCruiser

First I would suggest that you need to back off and not come across as a desperate needy person...

Secondly you need to reflect on yourself as a person and you need to mature some more. Drink didn't push you into bed with your ex. Drink just loosened your inhibitions and exposes your underlying self. You need to think about how you feel about other people, how you value them and YOURSELF, and what is important to you in life.
I am guessing you already have very low self esteem... and you won't move to the next level until you learn to love and value yourself.

I know that sounds like bull****.... but I promise you it is true.

All the best.