Inferiority Complex

LegacyUser

I'm not too sure how to structure this post, as my problem(s) is quite complex and detailed.
I think I would probably benefit from the services of a good counselor/therapist but I fear the cost of this would be prohibitive.

Anyway, my basic issue, which has become more clear to me recently, is that I suffer from
a severe inferiority complex. Specifically, I feel deficient with regard to my height when compared to other men in my age group. I'm 25, and around 5''8 to 5''9 tall. I realise this isn't "short", but as I walk around in daily life I notice that I'm shorter than 90% of other men.
Especially when compared to my generation who all seem to be 6 footers, I feel particularly ill at ease. My thoughts about this are quite obsessive, varying in intensity depending on my mood and other external factors, but everytime I'm out, I'm always mentally comparing my height to that of the people around me.

With regard to my work, I also go through periods of extreme procrastination...although I'm not sure, I believe these two problems to be related.

I feel less masculine than my peers...at times my self-confidence is quite high....but the past week it has taken a nose-dive. All around me I just seem to find evidence of the kind of superficial society we live in, yet at the same time feel hypocritical since I know I am in my own way a superficially minded individual.

To be honest, I'm pretty down about all this, so any advice here would be much appreciated.

thanks

The Recliner

Hi OP

If it is getting to the state where it is causing you problems in your daily life then getting some prefessional help would be the best option, talk to your GP and if cost is an issue they would be able to refer you to services which would suit your means

As regards your height whilst there are a lot of taller people than you average height for a bloke is around 5'9 - 5'10 so there are also a lot of guys shorter than you too

I am in the same boat as you with being about 5'8 and most of my male friends are way taller than me, I have never let this bother me though and just accepted it as one of those things, would I prefer being taller, definitely but has it hindered me in anyway, not at all

As regards to women, most women do prefer a guy who is taller than them, it is just a fact of life however with the average height for girls being 5'4 - 5'5 you aren't at a disadvantge in this respect either and if you do fancy a girl who is taller than you don't let it stop you, you never know unless you try and height isn't the be all and end all, you can charm a girl into ignoring your height if you really want too (I once went out with a 6 foot stunner and whilst it probably looked ridiculous she didn't care)

Beth1978

Hi OP

Please don't get down about your height!! I'm a 5ft 8in girl and I used to hate my height because I always felt I was towering over other people but I've accepted it now and am happy out. Height isn't an issue for most girls, they're just looking for a nice guy and it doesn't matter what kind of package he comes in!

But if you find that this is all you think about then maybe you should seek some advice from your GP. But please hear this....there is nothing wrong with the way you are okay? There are tonnes of guys who are the same height as you.

polishpaddy

Get into exercise and feel stronger than 99% of men.

LegacyUser

I'm in pretty much the same boat as you. I'm also 25, and im 5"8/5"9. I've also got a small frame, so my arms are just skin and bone and my legs aren't too muscular either! Its always been something, when people my age started getting bigger and i didn't, i got alot of stick. But i didn't let it get me down.

People know me as the funny guy.. and you'll find people will much rather sit down with a funny skinny guy than some lad who's 6"5 and about as fun as a plank of wood. I've never had trouble with women, my current girlfriend is the hottest girlfriend out of all my friends, which i put down to having a good sense of humour and personality.

Lifes too short to be killing yourself over something as meaningless as height man, just get out and start living.

LegacyUser

OP here
thanks to everyone for your all your encouraging words so far.

This height obsession has been with me for quite a while now, it feels like forever, but it first started about 3/4 years ago when I was finishing my undergrad degree. At one point I was very low, and told my parents about my situation. Professional help was considered but I decided against it, and somehow muddled through on my own. Which is why I'm trying to do the same again now.

I have gone through long phases where this hasn't bothered me...but there are certain triggers which get me thinking about it all over again. The fact I don't really have any close friends here in Dublin does not help.
Even if I did have someone to talk to about it, I would feel mortified about coming across as extremely vain and neurotic. And "neurotic" is the most appropriate word to describe the way I'm thinking. As an example of one of the "triggers"...this morning when I was queing for coffee at the uni canteen, there were a group of girls in front of me. One was more or less the same height as me.
So as they moved off I was observing this girl....just to "see" what I must look like, in height terms, relative to the rest of the group.

I seem to be always making these sort of comparisons. When I'm doing ok, these thoughts are just in the background, and don't affect my mood. however in my current state of mind, they seem to be having more of an impact.

I guess it's clear it's a form of obsessive/compulsive......so how do I deal with minimising the effect of these thoughts.?

beks101

OP, I'm a five foot nothing girl (well, 5 2" if we're going to be specific) and generally go for guys your height.

I used to love em tall, but then realised that not only does it look ridiculous, but it can get annoying, so generally 5 8", 5 9" is perfect for me.

From my reading of your post, I would suggest the problem is far more deep rooted, and you're using the height thing as a scapegoat for your general insecurities about yourself.

It really, really is not a big deal

LegacyUser

hi beks,

I do think there is something in what you said about my problem being more deep rooted.
Although right now I do feel that if somehow I woke up tomorrow 2 inches taller all my problems would be solved, I probably with time would find some other imperfection
to latch on to and obsess over.

LegacyUser

i think you are being immature and you are whinging about something soo irrelevent.

i am 22, a girl, 5ft 4

my dad is 5ft 3
it makes no difference whatsoever.

i saw a dwarf today...
if you were in their shoes for a day,
u would have a much different view about yourself

beks101

OP, I'm a five foot nothing girl (well, 5 2" if we're going to be specific) and generally go for guys your height.

I used to love em tall, but then realised that not only does it look ridiculous, but it can get annoying, so generally 5 8", 5 9" is perfect for me.

From my reading of your post, I would suggest the problem is far more deep rooted, and you're using the height thing as a scapegoat for your general insecurities about yourself.

It really, really is not a big deal

username123

Unregistered wrote: »

Although right now I do feel that if somehow I woke up tomorrow 2 inches taller all my problems would be solved, I probably with time would find some other imperfection
to latch on to and obsess over.

Thats probably exactly what would happen. You are either suffering from some kind of body dysmorphia or a different underlying problem with self esteem where you have chosen your height to latch onto a the 'reason' for feeling low. I would be inclined to think the latter. You need to sort out your self esteem issues. A professional would be good, a GP would be a good first step. If money is an issue try some self help books. It sounds like you could suffer from clinical depression either.

LegacyUser

I'm 5'7, male, 24.

I do find myself thinking about my height, and if I could start over again then I would choose to be taller, but obviously there's nothing I can do about it now.

The thing to drill into your head is that we aren't living in the Stone Age and that you're not actually going to have to fight with somebody bigger and stronger than you to get a girl. It is true that the average girl who only knows the heights of two guys will (nearly) always choose the taller one, but unless you are aiming for the most shallow kind of girl then this isn't a problem. You can be a smart, funny, successful, stable, attractive guy at any height, and girls will give you a chance.

The biggest danger, as I think the OP has realised, is believing that you are inferior or less masculine than any other guy. That will make it very hard to flirt with or date any girl. You need to be comfortable in your own skin before you can put a girl at ease. This can be faked at first, and after some success your confidence will recover and you'll be free to have healthy relationships.

Also worth bearing in mind is that the majority of guys don't take their dating lives very seriously. If you put in the same amount of effort and pay the same attention to detail in the search as you would to get a job, you're streets ahead of most guys straight away, regardless of their height. And remember that at the end of the day, the goal isn't to beat other guys, just to find that one person that you can be happy with. If you are a good person to begin with then you've done the hard work.

LegacyUser

OP here again,

I agree with a lot of what the previous poster has said. It is clearly very important to feel comfortable in one's own skin, and not to base one's masculinity on comparisons to other men. Easier said than done of course, but I need to keep practising this mind-set over and over again until it becomes habitual.

It's funny though because there have been long periods in the past where I have been at ease with myself and full of confidence. I wonder now real or fake this confidence actually was, or if it's just the nature of the beast that self-esteem is something that can fluctuate over time.

I think that I'm very self-aware...in the sense that I believe I can identify some of the triggers that have put me in my current mood. For example recently I became interested in this very attractive waitress who works at my regular lunch canteen. I've tested the waters with her through small talk and some eye-contact, but it was obvious she wasn't really interested. The fact that she's a bit taller than me is part of my rationalisation as to why this is the case. Obviously there could be a million other reasons, but I've latched on to this one.
Another "trigger" is the fact that this year one of my house-mates is this really tall, athletic guy, who to top it all of also has a certain amount of charisma and self-confidence. His facebook is filled with photos of him with very attracive girls. So over the past few months I have been comparing myself, both consciously and sub-consciously, to him.

I think I think too much

RossFixxxed

Just a quick question: if you were taller tomorrow what would change? What about yourself would you fixate on and blame for things? Do you get me? I'm not attacking at all, but this is something underlying and NOT you height, you're grand on that front.

What else is going on?

LegacyUser

RossFixxxed wrote: »

Just a quick question: if you were taller tomorrow what would change? What about yourself would you fixate on and blame for things? Do you get me? I'm not attacking at all, but this is something underlying and NOT you height, you're grand on that front.

What else is going on?

Well, if I were taller tomorrow, I wouldn't feel intimidated or lesser than most of the guys around me. Also, even though there statistically aren't many women taller than me, in the course of any day I always come across 10 or more women who are...and it bothers me. Being taller would free me from those emotions and feelings.

I get what you're saying though. And to be honest I am pretty happy with the rest of myself physically. I believe that I'm of above average looks, clear skin, although a little pale even for an irish guy!

I'm quite a solitary person, and introverted, but not timid. If I could change anything, I'd want to have more women in my life on a regular basis.

BoB_BoT

hey O/P I'll see your height and lower you mine :P. I'm 5'5 myself, male, 23. I like to think I'm 5'6 when chancing my arm haha. 5'8 is a good height, but don't focus on that, if you had the balls to talk to the waitress you're doing well, shows confidence. Don't let one setback kill your spirit. As pointed out already, could be 6foot whatever and be dull as a plank. And try to remember, looks aren't everything, if a girl really likes you, she won't give a flying feck if your 5foot or 7foot.

On a side note my last girlfriend was a lot taller than me, didn't bother me or her, except for the sore neck haha

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

in the course of any day I always come across 10 or more women who are...
QUOTE]

...you'll also come across 10 or more women who are more outgoing than you, more athletic than you, funnier than you, more intelligent than you...so what?

I'm not trying to offend you here, I'm just reasoning with your logic. There's always someone who is going to be more x, and z than you. Fixating on any single aspect is inevitably going to make you miserable. Make the most of what you have.

I know height seems to be inextricably linked to masculinity, in much the same way as weight is linked to femininity in our society.
Well let me tell you something...I'm a woman and I have the same insecurities you have with your height, over my weight. Unlike you, I was able to change my situation, and I became a very miserable human being when I did so. Not because losing weight is a bad thing, but because I put all my hopes and dreams into it. I believed it would make me a happier and more successful person. It didn't, it just took away all my excuses for not being happy and left me feeling like a failure for 'fixing' this aspect of myself and not meeting this blissful happiness that I had been promising myself.
You don't have the option to experience the same, but I'll bet if you woke up in the morning and you were six foot tall, you wouldn't like yourself any more than you do now.

Work on your confidence OP

LegacyUser

I know height seems to be inextricably linked to masculinity, in much the same way as weight is linked to femininity in our society.
Well let me tell you something...I'm a woman and I have the same insecurities you have with your height, over my weight. Unlike you, I was able to change my situation, and I became a very miserable human being when I did so. Not because losing weight is a bad thing, but because I put all my hopes and dreams into it. I believed it would make me a happier and more successful person. It didn't, it just took away all my excuses for not being happy and left me feeling like a failure for 'fixing' this aspect of myself and not meeting this blissful happiness that I had been promising myself.
You don't have the option to experience the same, but I'll bet if you woke up in the morning and you were six foot tall, you wouldn't like yourself any more than you do now.

Work on your confidence OP[/QUOTE]

Well if I did wake up in the more and was magically taller, yes, I would feel better...but I'd imagine it would only have a temporary effect. I do realise my problem is irrational and rooted more in a lack of self-esteem...or more precisely periods of time when this esteem/confidence is low.

but you say work on my confidence....how exactly do I do this? what are ways that you and other posters in here have used to become more self-assured and confident?
are there practical steps towards achieving this?

LegacyUser

Believe me, if I knew what the secret to unwavering self confidence was, I'd bottle it and start a business.

Personally, I've found that bettering myself physically goes a huge way towards my self esteem. I know it's the most commonly ascribed advice around here, but get down to the gym, or throw on a pair of running shoes and head out for a jog, or join a sports club...clean up your diet and make an effort with your clothes and general appearance. Take pride in your appearance and it will give you an immediate boost.

Set goals for yourself. In your studies / career / fitness etc. Start small, with a daily 'check list' of things you want to get done by the end of the day, and build to things you want to get done this year. For example, I want to pass my driving test, want to run a marathon, want to get promoted by the end of this year. My theory is as long as you're pushing yourself, you don't have time to doubt yourself so much that you become your own worst enemy. It's when you get stuck in a rut and stop trying that the confidence takes a hit, IME anyway.

And it's great in theory, but the practice of it is a killer...quit fretting over what others think of you. Compare yourself to no-one, except your own personal best. You're only in competition with yourself. What others do and say, what others think of you ultimately counts for nothing - they're just opinions, afterall, and don't become the victims of other peoples' opinions. It's an insult to your own intelligence.

LegacyUser

OP I'm exactly the same as you. At almost 20 my height is between 5'9 and 5'10 throughout the day, when my genes dictate I should be closer to six foot... I feel weak and inferior when walking down the street and get overcome by jealousy everytime a taller man walks by..

Every minute of every day I am plagued by the painful fact that had I eaten more during the growing ages and avoided alcohol I would likely have been much taller..

Although I wasn't blessed with good looks either and you say you're a good looking guy. At least you have one very good physical quality. Therefore your not inferior because of this very quality.

coadyj

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm not too sure how to structure this post, as my problem(s) is quite complex and detailed.
I think I would probably benefit from the services of a good counselor/therapist but I fear the cost of this would be prohibitive.

Anyway, my basic issue, which has become more clear to me recently, is that I suffer from
a severe inferiority complex. Specifically, I feel deficient with regard to my height when compared to other men in my age group. I'm 25, and around 5''8 to 5''9 tall. I realise this isn't "short", but as I walk around in daily life I notice that I'm shorter than 90% of other men.
Especially when compared to my generation who all seem to be 6 footers, I feel particularly ill at ease. My thoughts about this are quite obsessive, varying in intensity depending on my mood and other external factors, but everytime I'm out, I'm always mentally comparing my height to that of the people around me.

With regard to my work, I also go through periods of extreme procrastination...although I'm not sure, I believe these two problems to be related.

I feel less masculine than my peers...at times my self-confidence is quite high....but the past week it has taken a nose-dive. All around me I just seem to find evidence of the kind of superficial society we live in, yet at the same time feel hypocritical since I know I am in my own way a superficially minded individual.

To be honest, I'm pretty down about all this, so any advice here would be much appreciated.

thanks

well, if you feel like this you should know, that ALL humans are insignificant, we are only a dot in the vast array of the universe. We experience problems and feel certain ways about things, but its all meaningless. Its called the human condition. Cheer up, you're not short, you're not superficial, you are just human.

Enjoy your life and don't spend it worrying about silly things like height.

LegacyUser

Try exercising, e.g. running, swimming, yoga - something you can practice yourself without competition. You will feel better about yourself immediately.

LegacyUser

coadyj wrote: »

well, if you feel like this you should know, that ALL humans are insignificant, we are only a dot in the vast array of the universe. We experience problems and feel certain ways about things, but its all meaningless. Its called the human condition. Cheer up, you're not short, you're not superficial, you are just human.

Enjoy your life and don't spend it worrying about silly things like height.

OP here again...

feeling a good deal better the last few days. I seem to be under the influence of a strange sense of calm, and funnily enough it's these words from coadyj about the ultimate insignificance of everything that I believe are part of the reason for this!