Hard choices

LegacyUser

How do I choose? I am 37, have waited years to meet someone to love and who loves me and met my 45 year old boyfriend last year. He was married before and has a kid and there are issues there but our relationship has been very happy from the start. Day in day out he is loving and kind and both felt we were very lucky to meet someone so suitable. We moved in together a few months ago but he has just very recently told me he is not sure if he would get married or like to have kids again. He wants me forever and wants to grow old with me but is scared having and of losing it all again.

I can understand where he is coming from but feel like he has tricked me to an extent. We had asked each other all the right questions when we met and both agreed that marriage and kids was an option in the future if it was with the right person etc etc… We both said since that this relationship is for life but now he is telling me he is not sure about the kids & marriage thing but still wants us to grow old together. I cant believe this is happening to me and don't know what to do or how to choose - a fab man for the rest of my days who loves me and treats me well or jump back into the cattle market with a view to possibly meeting someone to love, marry and have kids with (at my age).

I find myself upset with him and snapping at him which never used to happen. I am not good at dealing with situations whereby I feel hard done by and worry I will not be able to move on if I choose to stay with him. I don’t think he knew how upset that decision would make me and was shocked to see how sad and distressed I was after he told me. I don’t want all these things now but don’t want them to be off the table forever and he has said they are not off the table but he will not commit to providing these things in the future. He did promise he will have a long and hard think about it all. I feel he holds the responsibility for my happiness and that I am waiting round to hear my fate. While I understand where he is coming from and why he is nervous, I feel he has been selfish by not making his thoughts clear sooner and that he is now holding the power in the relationship.

How do I choose and if I choose to stay how can I forgive him for changing his mind and (potentially) depriving me of the joy of having a family. In saying that, I would only like to have kids with him and not some random stranger. My head is wrecked – please help.

Mrs Shankly

Hi OP,

This is a tough scenario and I do feel for you. Has he explicitly said that he definitely does not want kids? What has made him change his mind from the earlier days of when he said he did want marriage and kids?

I think you need to have a frank chat about the above. Is it a doubt he is having, or is it a clear unequivocal no to having kids?

Ultimately though, while having someone to love is hugely important, so are values, and having the same- if you want kids and he doesn't, I do believe that it will drive you apart, if not now, than in the future.

Thats why I do believe that frank chat is in order- snapping and getting upset, while understandable, will not help either of you.

You said he is "not sure"- try to talk to him to find out whether thats a doubt or a definite no. I think once you have had the discussion, you both can make a decision on how to move forward, or address any issues.

While I am not trying to get your hopes up or second guess what he is thinking- you said he is scared- does he need reassurance, or are there unresolved issues there- remaining bitterness from custody battles, etc. Or has he made the decision for definite. You need to find out.


Best of Luck

Mozart1986

From my limited experience, there is a chance that you could hold it against him later on if he does not wish to have another child and that could ruin the future of the relationship anyway. Considering the way you speak about the control he has over your joint decision, it seems likely that this could happen. You only have one life. I would say you have a tough discussion ahead of you, in which he has to make a clear decision or let you go. That also depends on your will to raise a child. He has a responsibility to be upfront and decisive. He can't possibly be that surprised at your shock. I hate to think that a right-minded man could take lightly the instinct to be a mother. With all due respect, it sounds a little naive and/or deceptive to me.

Don't be taken advantage of and don't let the decision be put off too long. He has a serious moral responsibility to be decisive either way.

That is, unless you think you can be completely fulfilled with a loving lasting relationship and hold no hurt, feeling of loss or disaffection privately or publically. If you see life as your projects and goals then there are infinite ways to fulfillment without children. As Larkin says:

They **** you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do.They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you.But they were ****ed up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats,Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another's throats.Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf.Get out as early as you can, And don't have any kids yourself.