Should I fix this before it goes too far?

LegacyUser

Okay, I made a bit of a snap decision yesterday and acted on it, and now I don't know if I did the right thing and if I should reverse it now before it becomes too late.

I split up with my boyfriend yesterday afternoon. I won't go into all the details of why, but I just felt like he wasn't making enough of an effort and it was because he doesn't love me.

I had to go somewhere in the evening and was thinking maybe I'd wait til I came back and call to him on my way home and talk about it. But then I changed my mind and called over on my way out. I knew I only had about ten minutes before I had to meet my friends, so I pretty much went in and said what I had to say. And then I just felt like no matter what he said, he'd just make it worse, so I pretty much legged it.

I thought that this was better, but now I feel terrible. He finds it difficult to talk about his feelings (big part of the reason I was unhappy) so should I have been more gentle about bringing up why I was so upset? Rather than just going "He's not gonna improve and I can't do anything about it!"

Cos he actually has improved loads over the past few weeks and been more attentive, so now I think I might have done the wrong thing.... Should I contact him and try to talk? Or is it too late now?

Just give me your initial responses! I know you don't know the ins and outs of our relationship, but I wonder if the fact that he let me walk out of the apartment without a huge fuss tell me all I need to know? ie. that I did the right thing?

Blue_Wolf

Im the same as your boyfriend, find it hard to show my feelings and would rather watch you walk out the apartment than chase you....even if I do care.
The main problem is ego, like she made her decision to go I'm just going to make an arse of myself by chasing her and look desperate.

You went into the apartment in your head that you weren't going to listen to him. You must have made this clear to him so what was there to chase after?

If you approached it differently and left him with something to think about or left him with hope that it can be fixed than both I and your boyfriend would stop you from leaving if we did care.
You didn't from what I have read so you can't blame him for that.
You said that he has become more attentive so that shows that he does care and wants to change for you.

You probably just needed time apart to think about things instead of pulling the plug.

Barracudaincork

You have done the right thing IMO. Why? Well if your so fickle that you can break up with someone in 10mins knowing you are in a hurry then A: he didnt mean that much to you in the first place and B: he deserves better (as do we all)

What i think happened yesterday was that you got to thinking about all the wrong things your fella did, you got yourself so wound up about it that you just wanted that feeling to go away so you thought, right im gonna sort this once and for all. Instead of sitting down, chilling out and realise that nothing is achieved if your emotional, you went all head strong and did something you now regret in the cool calm light of day. This is a habit i have seen in other women, its not good for anyone.

What can you do about it? Well it appears to me you dont want to be with him anymore, so move on and let him do the same. However if im wrong and you do want to be with him, then you have to sit down with him and talk to him calmly and with time on your side. I also feel you should say sorry for the lack of respect you showed him and your relationship yesterday. Its not the worst thing to do, but it was pretty crappy of you.

Beruthiel

Barracudaincork wrote: »

You have done the right thing IMO. Why? Well if your so fickle that you can break up with someone in 10mins knowing you are in a hurry then A: he didnt mean that much to you in the first place and B: he deserves better (as do we all)

I would agree with the above.
If you were in any way serious about the relationship you would never have made such a snap decision. It smacks of immaturity.
You can't have cared all that much for him or you would never have done something so heartless.
Leave the guy alone.

RossFixxxed

I think the guy dodged a bullet there. This is very immature tbh. You should at least sit down with the guy and talk things out, explain how you felt etc. If you're going to break up as a snap decision, you are WAY better off split up and he can meet a girl that takes him into consideration.

I wouldn't fix it. I would let him get on with his life. OP you can learn from this perhaps and treat the next guy better in the future. Open communication lines EARLY!

Wibbs

IMHO? My personal initial take is that you were missing or need in general an emotional fix. He not being the most demonstrative leaves you wanting that even more. You create the drama of leaving, hoping you he would try to stop you and that way you would get this fix. When he didn't you felt like a dipso who has just bought a case of alcohol free beer. You didn't get the reaction you wanted, which was pretty much any reaction at all from him.

Then you thought more about it and the reality (as opposed to your need for this temporary fix) has hit home.

You need to step back and actually ask yourself what you actually want, not what you may think you want. A bit of self examination. What does he give you? Is he just the "boyfriend", a prop for your social life, with a side order of nookie, or is he something more? Try to as truthful with yourself as you can be. If he's the former let him go, if hes the latter then you have to chill and breathe before you react in future.

My 2 cents anyway.

LegacyUser

Hey, thank you all for the honesty. I feel really ashamed for the way I acted yesterday. I really just want to see him and am waiting to hear back from him.

RossFixxxed

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey, thank you all for the honesty. I feel really ashamed for the way I acted yesterday. I really just want to see him and am waiting to hear back from him.

Hey OP. Glad you took all the comments in stride. You need to do one thing (I think) and that is to be SURE you want to get back with him and be sure you are willing to really put in the effort this time. You need to open communications freely and be open, no matter how difficult. This was a very rash step (from what I can tell in your post) and is bound to shock the guy and dent his confidence in himself/you.

Best of luck!

Taltos

Just to bring another viewpoint to this.

Have you considered that his behaviour was intentional?
Is there a chance he acted this way so as to have you react in the way you did? If so he can walk away from this holding the higher moral ground.

I know of guys who were too cowardly to end a relationship and so instead manipulated their o/h's emotions so as to force a break-up.

I am not saying this happened here - but it might be worth considering it.
In terms of getting back in touch - good luck there, if this is really what you want.

If you do not though - then maybe hold off - otherwise you will be sending him mixed messages and are only playing with his emotions. There are other threads open here right now where ex's are giving mixed messages - and they can really cause havok to the other partner.

RossFixxxed

Taltos wrote: »

Just to bring another viewpoint to this.

Have you considered that his behaviour was intentional?
Is there a chance he acted this way so as to have you react in the way you did? If so he can walk away from this holding the higher moral ground.

I know of guys who were too cowardly to end a relationship and so instead manipulated their o/h's emotions so as to force a break-up.

I am not saying this happened here - but it might be worth considering it.
In terms of getting back in touch - good luck there, if this is really what you want.

If you do not though - then maybe hold off - otherwise you will be sending him mixed messages and are only playing with his emotions. There are other threads open here right now where ex's are giving mixed messages - and they can really cause havok to the other partner.

I didn't think of that, it is definitely something to be aware of. They really, really need to sit down and discuss this openly and frankly and NOW. Excellent point though, it can be a common and cowardly approach to getting rid of someone.

Dardania

Unregistered wrote: »

Okay, I made a bit of a snap decision yesterday and acted on it, and now I don't know if I did the right thing and if I should reverse it now before it becomes too late.

I split up with my boyfriend yesterday afternoon. I won't go into all the details of why, but I just felt like he wasn't making enough of an effort and it was because he doesn't love me.

I had to go somewhere in the evening and was thinking maybe I'd wait til I came back and call to him on my way home and talk about it. But then I changed my mind and called over on my way out. I knew I only had about ten minutes before I had to meet my friends, so I pretty much went in and said what I had to say. And then I just felt like no matter what he said, he'd just make it worse, so I pretty much legged it.

I thought that this was better, but now I feel terrible. He finds it difficult to talk about his feelings (big part of the reason I was unhappy) so should I have been more gentle about bringing up why I was so upset? Rather than just going "He's not gonna improve and I can't do anything about it!"

Cos he actually has improved loads over the past few weeks and been more attentive, so now I think I might have done the wrong thing.... Should I contact him and try to talk? Or is it too late now?

Just give me your initial responses! I know you don't know the ins and outs of our relationship, but I wonder if the fact that he let me walk out of the apartment without a huge fuss tell me all I need to know? ie. that I did the right thing?

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey, thank you all for the honesty. I feel really ashamed for the way I acted yesterday. I really just want to see him and am waiting to hear back from him.

Have you made the first move or not? I think that if you figure you've made a mistake, it would be the much bigger thing to face up to it, and make the initial contact.

If I was in your (ex) boyfriends shoes, I'd like to hear an apology, detailing where you went wrong, what caused the upset and how you've learned from it, how you've changed and if there's anything he might try changing in future.

LegacyUser

Hey there, yep, I made the first move. I sent him a tentative little message during the day and eventually just decided to call him up, call over and sort it out before letting it go on any longer.

I apologised for the way I behaved on Sunday and we talked it out, and now we're back together. What happened was the acumulation of a few things, some to do with him and some to do with me, and he's really laid back (sometimes TOO laid back!) and also not a mind-reader so he didn't have a clue what was going through my head.

He was totally shocked when I split up with him, but I took his non-reaction as a sign that he didn't care... Bleh! He thought things were going really well, so we're picking back up from where we left off.

I'm sorry about what happened and the way it happened, but think it's helped us to talk about some things we had to talk about. We're gonna meet each other half way.

Thanks for all the thoughts! It really helped me on Monday night.