Doubt I will ever talk to my brother again

LegacyUser

My brother and myself never really had a great relationship but things seem to have finally hit the point of no return. Essentially while talking to him he got uninterested in what I was saying or didn't want to listen so I stopped and said "Well if you don't want to listen..." and he viciously insulted me suggesting that any problem was probably my own doing. My wife gasped at his remark and it was completely uncalled for.

So I was fuming but as it was at a large family gathering so I did nothing and said nothing for 10 minutes. Simply saying "Apologise or we aren't talking again" and he said "Fine with me". Now I am extremely angry and simply leave his company,go off and calm down.The insult isn't the problem but just the fact we weren't arguing, it was nothing controversial I was saying it was just completely rude. He has often done this in the past when he get in a mood so it is not particularly unusual but normally I would insulted him back we would argue eventually sort of agreeing to disagree but I would often wave the flag as he wouldn't or we would just let it go. This time I don't feel like I have done anything wrong and just want to break the cycle I often get in with him. If he had insulted me in an argument or disagreement I wouldn't be bothered and the insult itself is not the issue it is the completely uncalled nature of it. My other sibling has basically said well that is him and he has always done it and she agrees that has done it many times to everybody close to him. Also adding that he is stubborn and will never apologise.

I have tried my best to exclude everybody else from getting involved and it seems everybody has the good sense to see that it is between us. So as I see it I won't talk to him again. He doesn't live in the country so I won't see him unless I go there or he is here. My other sibling lives near to him so they will remain close. I really don't feel any lose just the logical part of my brain saying swallow your pride for an easy family life but I feel I have done that enough now. The family have always made allowances for his behaviour in the past but I simply feel I am done with it. I am sure of what I am going to do but worry that I will regret it in the future anybody else stop talking to a close relative?

Whynotme

Sounds like my brother! He totally switches off, doesn't respond to txts or e-mails unless there is something in it for him. He is rude and obnoxious. Basically I totally dislike him. But.....I do not go out of my way to avoid him, if I did that I would, like you say, seem to be asking family to take sides. When I am in his company I am civil, say hello etc, but I just don't get into conversation with him. It actually works quite well, it has removed the stress of family gatherings.

Ignore him, leave him to continue insulting other people, someday someone will put him right. Don't cut yourself off from the rest of the family over him.

monkeyfudge

"Apologise or we aren't talking again"?

You both sound very childish in this. Apologies, but I don't speak to 3 of my siblings and for very serious reasons which I won't describe for personal and legal reasons, so this all sounds a bit trite to me.

But then, being related shouldn't give people a license to be assholes to each other.

neuro-praxis

It is possible to choose to forgive someone without excusing their behaviour.

Are you ok with going to your grave, or he to his, never seeing or speaking to your brother again?

stressed out

Hi OP

I know exactly where you're coming from. My brother is similar. He lives in the UK and whenever he comes home to visit he is quite rude and insensitive. He is 35 and still acts like a petulant teenager. He will stay with us and after a few hours he will say he's bored as if we should be entertaining him! He also switches off when we have family meals and can be sarcastic if he says anything.
I have stayed with him a few times and we always end up fighting. He loses his temper easily, especially with me.

My family kind of overlook this but I got very annoyed one day and told him to cop on, he was being insensitive. He just did the typical teenage thing and went Ooooo and made a surprised face. (Actually my family kind of accept the way things are but my other brother is starting to question him about it)

There was aperiod where I hadnt spoken to him for a few months because I couldnt put up with his behaviour - it was scary thinking I would never speak to him again.


Actually I had a bit of a breakthrough earlier this year. I visited him (at his fiancee's request) and we spent the day in London, just the two of us. Needless to say we started fighting soon after. I got upset and told him why bother inviting me over if all he was going to do was fight with me. He was actually quite nice to me for the rest of the day.

I've seen him since and he is back to his old self. He is my brother and I love him and hate the thoughts of losing touch with him forever but I suppose people just drift apart.

Anyway OP just sympathising with you.

legend365

Lifes to short to get hung up on someone else's behaviour. If you know he acts like this then thats his problem. Not yours.

If it were me, I'd just laugh about it and dust it off as him acting the way he does. Nothing personal against me, just him acting the maggot.

When he is gone will all this fighting acheived anything?

LegacyUser

Op here
I hear what people are saying about it being childish and that it will not achieve anything but it isn't quite that simple. I am not doing this out of anger but self preservation and his safety. If I just leave it I feel physically sick. When he does it the each time the upset gets worse and I genuinely fear I will lash out at him physically. He adds nothing to my life but upset at this point so I'd rather be in control of that then leave it in his hands.
It is closer to bullying than just us not getting on over comments. It was physical before and that stopped once I could over power him. I don't know if it is a struggle for power in siblings or unresolved feelings but I feel safer just not engaging. We'll still see each other but when I say I will not talk to him it will be on the basis that certain interactions will be essential (hello, goodbye) but it will also eliminate smaller family gatherings which were unpleasant because of him anyway so I don't think it is any great loss other than sentiment.

RossFixxxed

The woman told the monks that she was afraid to cross the river because she might slip and be carried downstream. She asked if one of the monks might help her across.


Now it so happened that these 2 monks were members of a sect which practiced celibacy and they had both taken vows never to touch a member of the opposite sex. But the old monk, sensing the extreme anxiety of the young woman, lifted her onto his back and carried her to the other side of the river.


The young woman thanked him and went on her way. The 2 monks continued on their journey, but the young monk was shocked and disturbed at having seen his older companion break his vow so nonchalantly. Finally, after 3 hours of walking and thinking, he could contain himself no longer and he burst out, "Tell me, old man, what did it feel like to break your vow of so many years? What did it feel like to allow sensuality to tempt you from your spiritual path? What did it feel like to have her smooth warm thighs wrapped around your waist, her breasts brushing against your back, her arms around your neck and her soft cheek almost one with your own? Tell me, old man, what is it like to carry such a beautiful young woman?"


The older monk remained silent for several steps and then said, "It is you who should tell me what it is like to carry such a beautiful young woman. You see I put her down 3 hours ago at the river, but you are still carrying her."

At the end of the day, I completely understand how you can get so annoyed at him. However, carrying around a load of resentment towards him is achieving nothing. I would try and sit down and discuss it with him, no matter how much he incites things just stay calm (not easy I know). If you don't get anywhere just leave it go for a while. If you get angry, storm off and rise to him he will keep doing this and the cycle just continues on. Try to break it before you totally cut him off.

Good luck,
R

LegacyUser

RossFixxxed wrote: »

At the end of the day, I completely understand how you can get so annoyed at him. However, carrying around a load of resentment towards him is achieving nothing. I would try and sit down and discuss it with him, no matter how much he incites things just stay calm (not easy I know). If you don't get anywhere just leave it go for a while. If you get angry, storm off and rise to him he will keep doing this and the cycle just continues on. Try to break it before you totally cut him off.

Good luck,
R

The point is I am not carrying resentment around I am simply letting him go. I could let it go and it would happen again. It isn't resentment as I simply don't like his company and behaviour. I have tried discussing this and fixing this many times. The issue I really want to discuss is how people find not talking to a close relative rather than a solution to the problem. It isn't anger that I am doing this for but my own well being.
The cycle has been me to forgive him unconditionally so that is the cycle I am breaking. I have gone many times through the route of thinking do I really want it to stay this way and forgave him usually within in hours or a day or simply ignoring it. I will probably cave again but it will be a while for sure.

RossFixxxed

Unregistered wrote: »

The point is I am not carrying resentment around I am simply letting him go. I could let it go and it would happen again. It isn't resentment as I simply don't like his company and behaviour. I have tried discussing this and fixing this many times. The issue I really want to discuss is how people find not talking to a close relative rather than a solution to the problem. It isn't anger that I am doing this for but my own well being.
The cycle has been me to forgive him unconditionally so that is the cycle I am breaking. I have gone many times through the route of thinking do I really want it to stay this way and forgave him usually within in hours or a day or simply ignoring it. I will probably cave again but it will be a while for sure.

I have an entire half of my family (my fathers side) not talking to me. Through my lack of visiting after my grandfathers death (when I was 13!! not like I could drive myself 200 miles to visit), rather than fighting. I have to say, and it is the reason I posted the above, I find it to be horrible. Even the people I hated I now miss. There is just something about family that goes beyond things that you wouln't accept from mates. They chose to do it and they havn't looked back afaik. It is hard and it still upsets me.

However, you seem sure, and that post of mine is worth it for that reinforcement. I would suggest, rather than you making a dramatic cutting off, that you just let it drift. If you are forced to socialise keep it quick, and extract yourself as quickly as possible. If confronted, tell him you are upset/annoyed/fine depending on what you think and then just move on with things I guess. I'm saying you haven't let it go, and to be fair you haven't, as your post suggests this strongly. You need to get on with your life and let this slip. It's not easy though, but you should just forget him for now and carry on.

R

Beruthiel

Where art thou wrote: »

Apologise or we aren't talking again" and he said "Fine with me"

Honestly. There's a pair of ye in it.
Ultimatums, nobody likes them and if you know he is strong of character, saying the above is like a red rag to a bull.
You could have said, "low blow bro" or "why did you say that" or "did you say that to hurt me" or something along those lines. Thus putting the onus back on him to answer for his comment.
If you consider he bullys you, tell him that's what it feels like.

LegacyUser

should forgive and forget.... its easy said than done i know. But in the last few years my dh lost not only his mother who was very precious to him, and he love to bits (she died), he lost contact with his half sister and half brother due to malicious humours that where started by both of them.
There isnt a day that goes by that he doesnt worry about them especially his half sister she was closest to him and he found it diffircult to deal with never been able to speak to her again. the malicious humors got so bad that we near separated because of them they took their toll on our life...
Dont let this be you. make peace with your brother,¬