How to bring this up?

LegacyUser

This is kind of an awkward one. When my boyfriend and I have sex, the actual penetration usually lasts less than 5 minutes. The trouble is, it's by far my favourite part and honestly, I'd forgo a huge amount of foreplay in favour of penetration. Sometimes 5 minutes is plenty, but more often than not, I'm dissatisfied afterwards because I wanted it to last longer. He loves to be in charge, so any effort on my part to control things is often unsuccessful. I just don't know how to bring this up with him without it looking like I'm criticising him or accusing him of premature ejaculation, or being a bad lover or something.

He has scoffed at the idea of tantric sex before, and that's not really the route I want to go down either. It's starting to cause slight friction because it's resulting in me pushing for lots of sex, when all I want is longer-lasting sex. So what I'm really looking for is advice on how to subtly discuss this with him, or ways to convey it to him that I want it to last longer, without hurting his feelings.

cafecolour

TBH if this is a serious relationship, you should be able to discuss something as basic as this with him in a straight forward manner, without worrying about his feelings being hurt or him ignoring it.

If you want to discuss it more generally, you could initiate a 'playful' discussion of 'what is each of our favorite things to do it bed'.

Mrs Shankly

If you want to discuss it more generally, you could initiate a 'playful' discussion of 'what is each of our favorite things to do it bed'.

Agreed! I would also try the method of flattering him, tell him how much you really, really love penetration and tell him how good he feels, etc.

Maybe he thinks you prefer the foreplay part?

LegacyUser

I agree with the above poster. You should be able to address issues like this without being afraid to hurt his feelings. Playfully or even while at it ask him to spend a little more time on <insert whatever it is you'd like him to do>.
The bottom line is 5 minutes is not enough for most women to get any sort of physical satisfaction. ffs 5 minutes of penetration is a joke.

He might not be aware that you're unhappy about it, or he might have some sort of problem, so be very gentle. But do bring it up if you want the relationship to last.

mother_rucker

If you quickly relieve him by other means beforehand (no pun intended) he'll last longer during the proper bumping and jumping.
Win-win situation really ;D

LegacyUser

mother_rucker wrote: »

If you quickly relieve him by other means beforehand (no pun intended) he'll last longer during the proper bumping and jumping.
Win-win situation really ;D

Sorry for being rude but this will only work if he's a very(!) horny young man.

LegacyUser

Didn't Lilly Allen have a song about this?!

Re: the relief beforehand, good suggestion, and it doesn't just apply to "horny lads" this will work for any less than middle aged lad I reckon.

Your other options are saying some dirty, nasty stuff to him during the foreplay about what you want him to do to you! And when he finishes early, act all dissapointed until he sorts you out!

Or else suggest he takes something (in pill form) which will give him a bar for the night. He'll have no option other than to share it with you!!

Wibbs

I agree with the last one except for the pill suggestion. Not a good plan unless there is a physical reason he requires it. More harm than good on a few levels.

LegacyUser

Any natural things one can do to keep it up all night? Is the whole 'drink lots of water during the day' thing a load of crap? I must say I've problems in keeping it up for any length of time...but in the mornings I've no problems (so obviously not a physical problem?).

mother_rucker

Surely the problem here is that the man is too excited and thus can't hold on for long.
If the pre-match warm-up idea isn't working for you then try turning him off a little during the intercourse. Burping for example should considerably cool his ardour.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

thanks for all the replies. if i "finished him off" quickly before hand, i think hed just assume i wasnt interested in actual sex and probably go to sleep. he can be very selfish at times and weve had loads of arguments about it in different contexts already. ive lightly said things before like "i wish sex could last all night" and he just either laughed or said oh itd hurt after a while. so he hasnt gotten those hints. i know i need to say it to him, but i just cant think how or when to say it.

donegalfella you make a good point. i let him be in control and always have so im finding it difficult now to reestablish any of my own control. i thought i was just embracing compromise and democracy but now i see i was letting him call all the shots. so seriously do i just say "honey this isnt doing it for me, i need penetration to last longer"? is it even something he can really control?

3qsmavrod5twfe

You don't specify your age in your post, but lasting a short length of time can frequently be a common theme for young men as masturbation (yes everyone does it) would have been a large part of their experience and the aim of the excercise is to finish as quickly as possible.

Maybe you could have him try Durex Performa condoms. There is a gel in the tip that very slightly numbs sensation to make him last longer. I have tried them for myself as it and it makes a considerable difference in the length of time you can go for. If he tries it out and sees a response that makes you quiver like never before he should feel like a king and want to repeat that performance everytime.

The danger with this kind of approach is how to broach the subject so as not to make it feel like a challenge to his manhood. If you bluntly tell him you are not happy and he needs to do something it it could lead to resentment and a lack of willingness to even try anything. The ideal situation would be to make him feel it is his idea.

Best of luck.

Curvy Vixen

Unregistered wrote: »

He has scoffed at the idea of tantric sex before, and that's not really the route I want to go down either.

The implication I get from this part is that you believe that Tantric sex is a very long session of penetrative 'in and out' sex from your partner. If that is the case then you really need to educate yourself better in relation to this. If you are happy to lose a large section of foreplay in order to have more penetration then Tantra possibly isn't something that would benefit you. I think people read about Sting 'pounding' away for hours and get all excited

Your partner probably needs to learn more about delaying ejaculation maybe using stop/start techniques, masturbating beforehand or maybe using condoms to cut down on the sensations.

But what is it that you actually get from the in/out bit. What is it exactly that you are hoping for? More orgasms? Longer orgasms? A longer delay before you actually orgasm? It's not clear from your post what result you are hoping for other than longer thrusting.

Or am I reading this incorrectly ?

LegacyUser

OP, I have the opposite problem with my bf, who has trouble reaching climax. I usually orgasm within the first 5 minutes but he likes to be in me for at least 20-30 minutes, sometimes much longer. Sometimes if I am turned on I can have several more orgasms, but often it just feels like it goes on forever and leaves me sore.