I'm an Amateur Poet

Stranjak

And was wondering what you guys think of my work, so here's some
If this get recieved well I would gladly post more

Addicted To Love

Every single day,
She's my reason to go on,
My last thought before dusk,
And my first after dawn.

She holds a place in my heart,
A place in my soul,
Without her in my life,
I'd never feel whole.

I long for her touch,
Every minute of every hour,
In the driest desert,
She's my glowing flower.

I don't need an answer,
From anyone up above,
I admit to myself,
I'm addicted to love.

lmtduffy

Im not trying to be a creative fascist here, but write about something else, or post a different poem

Almost every one who begins writing writes about romance, love and god help us breakups, and there generally not very interesting.

That doesnt mean there not good, as in your poem you've shown you can construct a coherent poem with some good imagery which is why Id like to see something more engagable and a little less clichéd.

So based on this poem your certainly capable or writing good poetry its just the theme or topic of your poem isnt worth much of a look.

Stranjak

lmtduffy wrote: »

Im not trying to be a creative fascist here, but write about something else, or post a different poem

Almost every one who begins writing writes about romance, love and god help us breakups, and there generally not very interesting.

That doesnt mean there not good, as in your poem you've shown you can construct a coherent poem with some good imagery which is why Id like to see something more engagable and a little less clichéd.

So based on this poem your certainly capable or writing good poetry its just the theme or topic of your poem isnt worth much of a look.

Oh no don't worry I understand your criticism. A lot of my poetry is about love, as most poetry is, but I have poems on other subjects, and I will post one shortly, which I hope you will read.
Thank you for your critcism, and it has been taken on board

Stranjak

The Beast Within

We all feel the beast,
Strong inside our hearts,
If we're irritated the least,
His rampage will start.

We will lose our grip,
Say things that offend,
Our control will slip,
And into darkness descend.

We see the red haze,
A curtain of pure rage,
Our mind ablaze,
During this rampage.

But as it fades,
We regain our gentle touch,
And if you feel betrayed,
Pray the damage wasn't too much.

pickarooney

It's rather poor, to be brutally honest. I mean, I'm sure she'd appreciate the sentiment but the writing has little literary value.

busted flush

pickarooney wrote: »

It's rather poor, to be brutally honest. I mean, I'm sure she'd appreciate the sentiment but the writing has little literary value.

hey he did say he was an armature . No one starts off and immediately hits the heights of Dylan. Keep trying and trying and trying and you will improve that's my honest advice.

lebron james

Most of the stuff is a bit sloppy to be fair but perfect practice make perfect.

godspal

Expanding your reading is a good way to improve your poetry.

So if you are looking for traditional rhyming poets:

Alexander Pope,
Alfred Lord Tennyson,
Geoffrey Chaucer,
Williams Wordsworth,
John Keats,
William Shakespeare,
Samuel Taylor Coleridge,
Robert Frost,
Seamus Heaney,
Patrick Kavanagh,
John Milton,
Gerard Manley Hopkins

If you are willing to be more direct and prose based:

William Blake,
Charles Baudelaire,
T.S. Elliot,
James Joyce,
W.B. Yeats,
Marianne Moore,
Wallace Stevens,
Ted Hughes,
Walt Whitman,
Dylan Thomas,
Sylvia Plath

If you want to experiment and be more abstract in your approach:

Emily Dickinson,
William Carlos Williams,
Hart Crane,
Ezra Pound,
Charles Bernstein,
Allen Ginsberg,
Jack Kerouac,
Charles Olson,
Lyn Hejinian,
Dadaism (A movement in art that encompasses alot of strange poetry.)
Amiri Baraka
Langston Hughes.

However this may seem essentially like a wall of text, an insurmountable task which you may not have the time for, well then music is also another way of improving your style. So here is some artists:

Nick Drake,
Leonard Cohen,
Bob Dylan,
Nick Cave,
The Smiths,
Joy Division,
The Sound,
Smashing Pumpkins,
Marvin Gaye,
The Kinks,
Lou Reed,
The Velvet Underground,
Tim Buckley,
Jeff Buckley,
Simon & Garfunkel,
Johnny Cash.

If you want to improve your rhyming, or the above list is simply too wishy-washy for you then rap is a good way to go:

Nas,
Biggie Smalls,
2pac,
Shad K,
Jay-Z,
Geto Boyz,
Wu-Tang Clan,
Eminem

(Albums) Masters of the Universe - Binary Star
Resurrection - Common
Doggystyle - Snoop Doggy Dogg

There is probably more in my mind, but at the moment this is all i can think of.

mediafreak

well the comments here are a bit harsh but it's constructive try to evoke more imagery and don't be a Boy Scout about rhymes. it's like the megapixel myth of cameras

Stranjak

mediafreak wrote: »

well the comments here are a bit harsh but it's constructive try to evoke more imagery and don't be a Boy Scout about rhymes. it's like the megapixel myth of cameras

What do you mean by be a boyscout lol
Thanks to EVERYONE for your comments, good and bad

mediafreak

boy scout = overly obedient. that's how wolverine describes cyclops of x-men fame. don't give up

Stranjak

mediafreak wrote: »

boy scout = overly obedient. that's how wolverine describes cyclops of x-men fame. don't give up

Ah I getcha
So what, ya think I should experiment more or what?

mediafreak

i guess reading a lot of poets before us would be a good place to start. the names posted above are all top-notch suggestions. the thing is before you have to be experimental or to destroy the rules to be edgy, you have to be familiar about the rules and the insides of the box in the first place

Kelly-

I no you call yourself an "Amateur" But Come on!

Stranjak

Kelly- wrote: »

I no you call yourself an "Amateur" But Come on!

What ya mean?

Kelly-

Dont Cry just an opinion!

Stranjak

Kelly- wrote: »

Dont Cry just an opinion!

Relax it's fine :L
I wasn't sure whether you meant it was really good or really bad.
Turns out really bad :P
Not a problem though, it's your opinion

Kelly-

Your Funny :pac:

Stranjak

Kelly- wrote: »

Your Funny :pac:

Again, not sure whether you're being sarcastic or what :L

Kelly-

:Dhehe nah i love ur poetry!! Always been a fan! :D:rolleyes:

Mialuvzfun!

der ddly!!

Richy165

Now now, if we can't play nice then don't play at all. If I could offer any criticism about you poetry it would be to stay away from the worn path of love, romance etc. and write what you know. I for example come from a coastal village in the West so most of the things that I write concern what I grew up seeing and doing - Drunks in the local pub, picking razor clams at the shore, fishing and all that - looking back on it, it seems that I grew up in a Famous 5 novel. And most importantly, don't listen to the unnecessarily cruel criticism, at least you took the plunge and posted.

PurpleBee

Write a poem about a dirty sock, something devoid of love or complicated beasts within that dont answer to tired cliches. Write it as you see it

lmtduffy

PurpleBee wrote: »

Write a poem about a dirty sock, something devoid of love or complicated beasts within that dont answer to tired cliches. Write it as you see it

yes Id like to add to this that you should try not to write about your feelings and that because no one is really interested in that.

You are telling all and that is uninteresting, most poetry shows people things that they can derive meaning from.

Deliverance

Stranjak wrote: »

And was wondering what you guys think of my work, so here's some
If this get recieved well I would gladly post more

Addicted To Love

Every single day,
She's my reason to go on,
My last thought before dusk,
And my first after dawn.

She holds a place in my heart,
A place in my soul,
Without her in my life,
I'd never feel whole.

I long for her touch,
Every minute of every hour,
In the driest desert,
She's my glowing flower.

I don't need an answer,
From anyone up above,
I admit to myself,
I'm addicted to love.

I found it sweet and honest. It is a nice poem.

Mialuvzfun!

Deliverance wrote: »

I found it sweet and honest. It is a nice poem.

I seem to remember a certain stranjak once sayin "physical pain, the only pain guys feel" and that being applyed to every emotion but here we see that the famous non emotive has emotion!! haha
jus jokin
bffz!! lol
x

Kelly-

:):mad::cool::P:(:rolleyes:;):pac::p:o:eek:

God loves ugly, he doesnt see, the way i see.
god takes mercy and turns it in to something that is beautiful,
apparently i'm beautiful cause u love me.

i love this song just thought i'd tell u stranny :L:L

Sarky

Please don't post that many emoticons in one go ever again.

And now back to discussing the poem.

Deliverance

Sarky wrote: »

Please don't post that many emoticons in one go ever again.

And now back to discussing the poem.

the original poem is good. I enjoyed it, it flowed well and it is a credit to the lad that wrote it.

Halla Basin

there once was a girl named grace
and there were many face
but then she was as cold as ice

whaddya think? im an amateur poet too

Kelly-

Sarky wrote: »

Please don't post that many emoticons in one go ever again.

And now back to discussing the poem.

:(:(:( whats ur problem with emoticons?

Insect Overlord

Kelly- wrote: »

:(:(:( whats ur problem with emoticons?

What's your problem with constructive posts? You haven't made one yet, it's somewhat off-putting.

Stranjak, I read "Addicted to Love" and "The Beast Within". They're disappointing. Most of the writers on the forum are amateurs so that isn't much of an excuse for the standard, unless you've only just begun to write recently. Busted Flush hit the nail on the head with his "practice makes perfect" comment, and the list godspal recommended is fantastic. Read more widely, don't restrict yourself to clichéd images in tired rhyming schemes and if you do insist on writing love poetry then try to find new ways of saying what you need to say.

Good luck

Kelly-

Attack of the oul ones :pac: jk jk :eek:
he knows im joking with him..:p
and that i always admired his poetry:D:D:D

Sarky

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