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This Thing

  • 07-06-2009 12:35pm
    #1
    jake59
    Closed Accounts Posts: 194 ✭✭


    It eats you from within,
    This Thing
    But never lets you in,
    This Thing

    I want to rip it out
    and shout the words out loud

    The world will never see,
    This Thing
    It lies deep within me,
    This Thing,

    How hopeless are we now
    If our world would crumble down
    But I will never let it be
    This thing thing shall die within me,

    This Thing.


Comments

  • #2
    jake59
    Closed Accounts Posts: 194 ✭✭jake59


    this was my first attempt at writing anything... any opinions? its about guilt


  • #3
    Richy165
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33 ✭Richy165


    jake59 wrote: »
    It eats you from within,
    This Thing
    But never lets you in,
    This Thing

    I want to rip it out
    and shout the words out loud

    The world will never see,
    This Thing
    It lies deep within me,
    This Thing,

    How hopeless are we now
    If our world would crumble down
    But I will never let it be
    This thing thing shall die within me,

    This Thing.

    There are some great lines in there that maybe need to be teased out a bit: "How hopeless are we now, If our world would crumble down" for example has a great existential futility about it. At the moment it seems a little adolescent in the sense that it is very self regarding and and has that 15 year old writing their first song ring to it "The man's trying to keep me down, but I won't let him, I'm a wild card, don't hold me down, etc." Which is perfectly understandable for a teenager, as that's how teenagers feel about the world. Back to the point. Also, I'd leave out the "This thing" lines, poetry shouldn't be unnecessarily cryptic, we know the poem is about guilt because you said so in your post, so why bother to obfuscate? Keep it up though, at the end of the day, who am I to criticize anybody?


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