Am I right to still be sad over dad's death?

LegacyUser

Am I right to still be sad over dads death? My dad died 18 months ago and i still cant get
over the first hurdle. but the complicated thing is that he was for a lot of my teens, an aggressive alcoholic.He was abusive physically and emotionally. He prevented me from going to college.this was pre 1996 when there was a means test. He earned a lot but also drank a lot.So while 'technically' the family had money, realistically we had none, I, and my siblings, went hungry a lot of the time. We all have very complicated relationships as a result.I am the oldest and would have tried to prevent my mother from being beaten on a regular basis. My mothers answer to this was that i was just causing trouble and even though i tried to protect her and my siblings all I received was abuse (from my brothers and sister) because I was causing trouble (they tried anything to keep the peace) .I know he had troubles with ( i know i cant say this, but certain schools???) so he was troubled himself. I moved out aged 18 (almost) and we actually had a good relationship after that. I did end up going to college and getting a good degree in the end and am now happily married with two children. Once he had grandchildren he was a changed man (non-violent). His grandchildren loved him. He died from alcoholic related complications aged 58. I still miss him though. I still love him whatever. I'm still sad.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
You are not wrong at all. I was married for years to a violent alcoholic. I split from him because of it and to protect my kid. Everyone thought we had money when there were many days of hunger.
Ex did eventually sober up but the damage was done. However we still care about him too...this is because there were some GOOD times too.
Don't feel bad because you remember the good side of him, he was your Dad and that is nothing to feel bad about.
My grown-up kid says you should go to Al-anon as it helped him a lot, there are lots of us out there.

JuliusCaesar

Unregistered wrote: »

Am I right to still be sad over dads death? ..... an aggressive alcoholic.He was abusive physically and emotionally. He prevented me from going to college.........I am the oldest and would have tried to prevent my mother from being beaten on a regular basis. ....... I still love him whatever. I'm still sad.

I think this is probably completely normal. It's only been 18 months and you had a hugely complicated relationship with him, which impacted on your relationships with the rest of the family.

Are they being supportive now?

Salome

Grieving takes as long as it takes - there's no timetable. Your grieving is exacerbated by your complicated relationship. Don't feel that your grieving is too long or wrong - just take as long as you need.

Carsinian Thau

Yes.

Grief is complicated. The pain will lessen with time but you should not try and force it. If you do, it will only hurt more and take even longer.

If it really is too overwhelming, perhaps you ought to think about maybe seeing a professional counsellor.

Nevyn

I would suggest you look at grief couselling and maybe going to an adult child of alcholics support group. You have a lot of unresovled issues around your dad, your childhood ( or lack thereof) and it's effecting you and you relationships.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here, sorry I haven't posted sooner, have been looking into all the suggestions that were posted during the week. Have found a local group and am going to go along next Monday.

Thanks everyone.

Butterfly baby

He's your dad hon, there's no shame or wrongness (is that a word?) in loving him. You're still grieving and as you said there were good and bad times but he's gone now so instead of dwelling on the bad times (and keeping yourself where you are now because a lot of it is anger that you are finding it hard to get past) just focus on the good times and instead of seeing the bad person he was see the good person he was.

Think about it this way, he must have loved you, he must have loved all of you otherwise he'd have moved on years ago but he didn't, he chose to be with his children. Go down to his grave, have a good cry, tell him you love him and say goodbye and forgive him and trust me it'll feel like a weight has been lifted. All you need is that closure, right now the problem is you are angry with a dead person and you have no way to express that anger to them so the next best thing is to forgive them. Just try it, honest you'll feel a lot better.

RossFixxxed

There is no right or wrong in this. It is grief and it is natural. However, as other posters have said there is no harm in taking action to deal with this. Good luck OP.

Genghiz Cohen

My grandad died just over 2 years ago.
It still gets to me.
It takes as long as it takes.

missmatty

There is no time limit on grief. My brother died 19 years ago and I still think of him almost every day.