Asexuality

LegacyUser

I'm a woman, early 30's, average in many ways. I've had a number of short term relationships but I'm single right now. The thing is, I don't really like sex. Like, even though I've had sex, I'm not that much interested in it, I don't enjoy it, I try to avoid it and that has led to the shortness of my relationships. I rarely get turned on or sexually excited by seeing someone attractive. Kissing or fondling have little effect for me and I prefer to do it to a partner than have it done to me. Porn doesn't interest me but seeing the sex scenes in your average Hollywood type DVD or cable televison show can ignite a spark.
Lately I read about Asexuality. According to Google, "asexuality is a sexual orientation describing individuals who do not experience sexual attraction or do not have interest in or desire for sex. Sometimes, it is considered a lack of a sexual orientation."
I haven't heard about this before but it is quite close to how I feel. Am I the only one here who feels this way? Or is there anyone else out there in the same boat?

LegacyUser

I feel very similar to you OP, I'm in my 40's and newly single. I always kept hoping I'd meet "Mr Right" and my sex drive would automatically follow - after all, that's one of the romantic myths our culture has.

I've had many boyfriends and apart from momentary blips early on in some relationships my sex drive has remained pretty low to non-existent. I think if I'm honest my libido has been sparked more by hope, novelty and the desire to make a conquest than an actual desire if that makes any sense. Once I actually start having sex with someone I lose all interest in the relationship.

Although from reading your post I think the roots of our sexuality are probably different?
I don't really crave love and affection due to my upbringing where I was deprived of both, therefore feel I have no need of either. I suppose some people in my situation (my sister for instance) compensate by going the opposite way and craving love and human warmth so much that they have lots of sex with whoever is willing!

Like you I do find that some romantic sex scenes in the movies can ignite a spark. It suggests that you'd respond to genuine warmth from a man you felt completely loved, respected and cared for by? The only two scenes that do it for me are the famous ones in Ghost and Dirty Dancing (and not because I find patrick swayze attractive but more because his acting portrays such deep profound love, passion and respect for his partner.)

I wish that's how I'd lost my virginity rather than to have it taken illegally by an older man before I was capable of making that sort of adult decision. He was 20, still a kid himself I suppose but still a world of difference between his age and mine, and certainly legally responsible and old enough to know that what he was doing was wrong. He coached me in what to say to my mother if she were to ask me about him and our relationship. I was 13 and thought I knew everything, like most teenage girls. In reality I was very young and naive emotionally and in no way able to make such a big decision. I realise now with my adult perspective what a silly little girl I was but that was when I still craved some affection and he was the first person who'd ever shown any sort of interest in me. I was easy prey and can see now that he used classic grooming techniques on me.

I find penetration itself often painful and I've tended to suffer from many sex related infections - honeymoon cystitis once, thrush several times has been brought on by sexual activity and once, very recently I actually tore a little bit externally. All of these just reinforce the negative connotations for me and if I do feel any twinges of sexual arousal I mentally stamp on it as sex just doesn't seem to agree with me!!!

I could keep guessing at how you feel but it'd be better if you talk a bit more about how things are from your perspective and I'd love to talk some more with you about it.

best wishes

aidan24326

Unregistered wrote: »

I wish that's how I'd lost my virginity rather than to have it taken illegally by an older man before I was capable of making that sort of adult decision. He was 20, still a kid himself I suppose but still a world of difference between his age and mine, and certainly legally responsible and old enough to know that what he was doing was wrong. He coached me in what to say to my mother if she were to ask me about him and our relationship. I was 13...

13?!! That's abuse, and at 20 he certainly wasn't a kid and knew damned well what he was doing. Considering this and your difficult upbringing, have you ever tried or considered counselling?

monellia

You are definitely not the only one.

http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?

Some people just don't like sex, no biggie.

LegacyUser

OP here.
It is good to hear that there are others who feel similarly. Its a relief to know there are others. The asexuality.org website shows that there are many many people who have no interest in sex.
There's a world of reading there with lots I never thought about. For example, it is interesting how some asexual contributors there say that others cannot take on board when they tell them they are not interested in sex but instead they say it must be that they are gay. Obviously the concept of asexuality isn't as widely understood or as acceptable as being gay. I admit it crossed my mind but I don't have any higher or lower interest in either men or women.

To the First Response Poster: I appreciate your post. You've thought long and hard about this and written a great contribution. Firstly, losing your virginity in that way was unfortunate. Do you think it was the main influence in your lack of sexual desire? I presume asexuals, like heteresexuals and homosexuals, are born although there is a view that environmental factors can be an influence to some degree. You made me remember a particular incident when I was about the same age as you which, while not as significant as the one you describe, has often niggled me in the back of my mind as maybe being the cause of how I feel about sex.
I'm not sure what else I can say really beyond that I don't have the sexual urges and needs that seem to be common. This is only an issue when I'm in a relationship. I wasn't aware until recently of aesxuality as a sexual orientation in itself and to be frank, I'm not quite sure what I think of it yet.

LegacyUser

aidan24326 wrote: »

13?!! That's abuse, and at 20 he certainly wasn't a kid and knew damned well what he was doing. Considering this and your difficult upbringing, have you ever tried or considered counselling?

I know, but at the time and for years afterward I just blamed myself. I let it happen and I feel very ashamed about that. Emotions were never expressed in my household and so I was never taught how to feel and deal with my emotions. It's only now that I'm able to start to feel the anger towards him and towards my parents for making me vulnerable to him in the first place. Even so feeling and being aware of any kind of emotion is still difficult for me. I've suffered from depression on and off all of my life and have taken many courses of anti depressants. I've had counselling on and off too, through the gp and paid for privately. I only felt able to mention it once to a counsellor, which was a big step for me. Her reaction to my confession put me off as I felt she just didn't understand anything of how I felt about the situation then or now. When I said that I now look back and realise that what happened was abuse she said "you mean because it was painful" and I thought "no, it's because he was an adult and I was a child, he groomed and coerced me to do something I wasn't psychologically or emotionally capable of knowing what I was doing!!!!" She just didn't get it at all and didn't seem to agree about my feeling that I'd been abused!!!

Now I'm reaching a stage where I think I need to talk about this to someone specifically so I can get all this poison and long held on to negativity out once and for all. The trouble is I can't afford to pay privately and I don't want to go to the doctor's again and get counselling through them. I think I'm ready to offload some of this now though. Which is one reason I'm talking on this board. I need someone to hear me and understand me so thank you aidan24326, you've done what that counsellor wasn't able to do.

aidan24326

Unregistered wrote: »

Her reaction to my confession put me off as I felt she just didn't understand anything of how I felt about the situation then or now. When I said that I now look back and realise that what happened was abuse she said "you mean because it was painful" and I thought "no, it's because he was an adult and I was a child, he groomed and coerced me to do something I wasn't psychologically or emotionally capable of knowing what I was doing!!!!" She just didn't get it at all and didn't seem to agree about my feeling that I'd been abused!!!

Sorry to hear that, she doesn't sound like much of a counsellor. You were abused alright, and it's a pity you had to spend so long feeling that was your own fault. I guess that's the trouble with counselling, I imagine there's a big variation in the quality of them, and it's hardly an exact science in any case. I'm sure a genuinely good counsellor could help you though, assuming good ones exist.

OneArt

Don't feel bad. I'm 19 and asexual. And I'm male which is even stranger.

And I understand about the shortness of relationships too. Which is generally why I don't bother in the first place. Sometimes one is better off on one's own.

valery

sex is a wonderful part a relationship but is not everything in a
relationship. friendship , trust , are important too and also companionship.
so dont dispair , there are different ways to love your partner, just look out for the right one.