Break up marriage or stay

LegacyUser

I could badly do with some opinions on my situation.

I'm desperately unhappy in my marriage for a variety of reasons. At this stage there is very little communication, no sex for several years now, separate holidays. Things have happened which I can't get past and feel there is zero hope of reconciliation. Sadly I've next to no friends or family to turn to.

I've been extremely depressed to the point of being suicidal, attending a counsellor now which is helping a bit. My OH has his head well stuck in the sand and will not discuss anything, he's not happy but doesn't want to do anything about it.

What I really want opinions on is what effect a separation would have on my kids. They're from 10 to 15. They don't see us fighting (if only we did it might clear the air a bit) but I think there is probably an atmosphere they are picking up on. Should I suffer on for another few years until they're older or is that more damaging to them than making a break now and maybe ending up a bit happier myself.

I feel so much pressure on me and worry all the time about my kids yet I don't know what sort of shape I'll be in if I have t stay in this situation for much longer.

Thanks for reading.

tolteq

hmmm. suicidal you said. that sounds like a desperate situation.

in my opinion too desperate to keep going. i think u should try an leave him. i mean its ur life too. not just his.

take ur children and be a strong mother for them.

Dizzyblonde

I think that if your husband won't consider couples counselling and won't even discuss your problems, then you have to do what's right for you. In the end this will benefit your children too because it can't be easy for them at the moment. Just because there aren't any fights, don't kid yourself that they don't know what's going on. You and your children deserve to be happy.
You don't want the years to pass and still be in a bad relationship, and it won't go away by itself. I feel very sorry for you and I hope you have even one good friend to support you.
Good luck.

LegacyUser

Confused55 wrote: »

I feel so much pressure on me and worry all the time about my kids yet I don't know what sort of shape I'll be in if I have t stay in this situation for much longer.

take from someone who was a child in the exact same situation as your kids for 5 years. they WILL be much happier without the bad atmosphere. god knows both me and my sis were anyways

aidan24326

Unregistered wrote: »

take from someone who was a child in the exact same situation as your kids for 5 years. they WILL be much happier without the bad atmosphere. god knows both me and my sis were anyways

This is good advice.


OP, kids are better off with one happy parent than two who are both miserable. At that age they're more than old enough to pick up on the bad atmosphere and to know very well what's going on, and it's not a happy or a healthy environment for kids to be in.

Aside from the kids, you have to think of yourself aswell. You're wasting away your life in what sounds like a dead marriage, as is your husband. I don't normally like to tell people they should break up without giving it a go but from your description of your marriage it doesn't sound like there's much left to work with. You need to break away and start living your life. Your kids can still have their dad in their life, and you should make sure they do, but you have to think of yourself too. Your kids mightn't thank you for it now but when they're older they will understand that you did what you had to do.

Xiney

OP, your kids will be better off in a happy family, even if it has only one parent.


Good Luck.

strongbluebell

The hardest thing in these situations is making a decision. When you decide what to do it helps ease the pressure of constantly turning it over in your mind.
Here's some options:
1. Stay, put up with things. Maybe try to develop some more interests, make some friends.
2. Decide to stay maybe 5 years till the kids are older. Follow advice above and also get finances in order and maybe continue with counselling to sort out your head. Make yourself stronger.
3. Leave now, make a new life for yourself and your kids.

It seems what's going on in your house involves some emotional abuse, i.e. his refusal to communicate. This saps your strength and self esteem.
Make a decision, honestly it'll help. You're worth it.:)

I_am_Jebus

OP, you don;t really discuss in any detail the kind of problems that are associated with your marriage. In that case, it is difficult to understand or advise on your problems and potential solutions.

I am unsure, if you still love your husband. If you do, I feel it coudl be salvagable, but it takes two to do that and your husband needs to stop being an Ostrich and start working on his marriage. You both should be attending counselling at the very least and not you on your own.

Suicide something that I find is easily thrown around these days. It sometimes seems that if people don't get the simplest of things in life they'll hang themselves or whatever. I am not for one minute suggesting that you fit that category. All I am saying is don;t over desperate the situation. Is it really that bad? If it truely is, then you really need to be looking for a short or long term separation. Hopelessnes should never be allowed dominate your mind, there is always a way out if you can get the right help and be determined. If you can't stay with your husband then so be it. It won;'t be easy but thousands of people rebuild and get one with life and so do their kids. Just handle it right, be fair, try every chance and if you do all that you can do to make things right and even if ti doesn't work you;ll have no regrets

Beruthiel

Confused55 wrote: »

What I really want opinions on is what effect a separation would have on my kids. They're from 10 to 15. They don't see us fighting (if only we did it might clear the air a bit) but I think there is probably an atmosphere they are picking up on.

Your kids are old enough to understand the difference between a person who is happy and one struggling to get by.
They most certainly do get that atmosphere.
Any kid would prefer to have a happy parent than a miserable one.
Include them in what you are doing and why. They will get it.

Blue196

I_am_Jebus wrote: »

Suicide something that I find is easily thrown around these days. It sometimes seems that if people don't get the simplest of things in life they'll hang themselves or whatever.

Who knows what is going on in someone elses mind, yes some people talk about it and never go through with it, but there are also others who are in such a pit of despair that they do follow through, mostly after a long period of unhappiness. Very view make the decision on a whim.

OP, I don't know which category you fall into but to have come on Boards and written in this way is an indication that things are very wrong in your life.
Please continue with your counselling.
I remember a line from Dr Phil a few months ago that kids would prefer to be from a broken home than to live in one.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for replies. Lots to think about.
It seems I can't win really, if I stay kids will be unhappy and not really know why, if I go they'll probably still be f*cked up and blame me.
How did life get so complicated?

LegacyUser

Confused55, I was in your shoes a year ago.
We have since split up. I won't lie and say it has been easy..it hasn't. I am much happier though, I couldn't have gone on the way it was. Strangely I am LESS lonely now than I was with him. He wouldn't go to counselling at all and I just felt like I was pushing a big rock up a hill. I felt so unloved.
My tips are
1. Get counselling...if he won't go, go on your own......worth every penny.
2. Be prepared for a serious drop in income if you do split. I am happy but very poor.
3. Seek advice on how to prepare your children if you decide to split.
4. Some kids take it very hard..it has been very tough on mine. For a long time they can show anger, distress..one of mine tried everything to make us get back together BUT now he is older he understands that I tried everything to get love and affection from exH.
5. Always give access to the kids unless there is a safety issue. My exH pays no child support, but I never stop kids from seeing him.......it has made them feel secure and happy.

CDfm

OP - you mention counseling etc but if you are depressed and suicidal why dont you go to your GP.

You get lots of councellors in Ireland many who are unqualified so the GP route is a safeguard.

You cant possibly make big decisions with untreated depression -so that would be my first port of call.

The other issue will be that as you seem to be the person with the "issues" you should not assume the kids etc will want to live with you.

I am not being unkind here but are you really thinking this thru and can you think this thru.

LegacyUser

My mother was in your situation and still is actually, and i can honestly tell you i wish she did leave him, as my life was absolute hell growing up and seeing how much they hated each other.

VaioCruiser

Confused55 wrote: »

I could badly do with some opinions on my situation.

I'm desperately unhappy in my marriage for a variety of reasons. At this stage there is very little communication, no sex for several years now, separate holidays. Things have happened which I can't get past and feel there is zero hope of reconciliation. Sadly I've next to no friends or family to turn to.
I've been extremely depressed to the point of being suicidal, attending a counsellor now which is helping a bit. My OH has his head well stuck in the sand and will not discuss anything, he's not happy but doesn't want to do anything about it.
What I really want opinions on is what effect a separation would have on my kids. They're from 10 to 15. They don't see us fighting (if only we did it might clear the air a bit) but I think there is probably an atmosphere they are picking up on. Should I suffer on for another few years until they're older or is that more damaging to them than making a break now and maybe ending up a bit happier myself.

I feel so much pressure on me and worry all the time about my kids yet I don't know what sort of shape I'll be in if I have t stay in this situation for much longer.

I have some experience of this and it is a very difficult situation. It is easy for people to advise splitting. But it has major financial implications as well as implications for the kids. However both of these can be overcome if you tackle it calmly and methodically and with absolute determination NOT to allow rancor and nastiness to get in the way.

The first thing I would advise is to start tomorrow to develop some kind of social life. Join a club, an evening course, call some old friends. Anything.

The next thing is that you have to find the courage to sit down and talk about it with him. I know how difficult this is ! but you may well be surprised at the result, and find that he feels the same. I am sure you have a THOUSAND reasons to be angry and maybe even hateful toward him, maybe he has a few too. But if you want to make this work you have to somehow find it in yourself to let all that go when you do sit and talk, and write it all off to an unfortunate stage of your life. Try to concentrate on the good times and the pleasure of your kids.

I believe that once you start on a plan of action; a path toward getting to grips with this, you may find that you will feel better.

All the best !

LegacyUser

hey there.

Im 21 and my parents split around 4 years ago . Before this , being a child growing up in an unhappy home was not a nice experience,There was never any fighting or anything like that but the atmosphere makes you feel like home is not a place you want to be. My mother was debating staying in the situation untill my youngest sister was older, but as it turns out she went to councilling which to this day she feels has given her the strenght to do what she did and get out of the unhappy relationship she had been enduring for so many years. She always says now she is so happy she left when she did and the only thing she regrets is not leaving him years before, yes money is much tighter but happiness outweighs having more money in my eyes.My sister has been doing much better in school and now we can all go home knowing we are going home to a loving and happy family.
As for my father he makes child support conytributions and pays for our educations which helps a bit.

It seems you ar i a similar situation , Yes it will be very tough on both you and your children but in the end it will work out for the best ,I can only imagine wht it would be like to still live in the same situation we did for years. All i ever want is for my mother to be happy she is a completly different person now , she is happy and making new friends.

I know this probably dosent help much but its the opionin from a childs point of view(although a lot older than you r children)

I wish you all the best and Keep up with the councilling .

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

hey there.

Im 21 and my parents split around 4 years ago . Before this , being a child growing up in an unhappy home was not a nice experience,There was never any fighting or anything like that but the atmosphere makes you feel like home is not a place you want to be. My mother was debating staying in the situation untill my youngest sister was older, but as it turns out she went to councilling which to this day she feels has given her the strenght to do what she did and get out of the unhappy relationship she had been enduring for so many years. She always says now she is so happy she left when she did and the only thing she regrets is not leaving him years before, yes money is much tighter but happiness outweighs having more money in my eyes.My sister has been doing much better in school and now we can all go home knowing we are going home to a loving and happy family.
As for my father he makes child support conytributions and pays for our educations which helps a bit.

It seems you ar i a similar situation , Yes it will be very tough on both you and your children but in the end it will work out for the best ,I can only imagine wht it would be like to still live in the same situation we did for years. All i ever want is for my mother to be happy she is a completly different person now , she is happy and making new friends.

I know this probably dosent help much but its the opionin from a childs point of view(although a lot older than you r children)

I wish you all the best and Keep up with the councilling .

Hi, OP here, that helps a lot, more than you can ever know. Thanks for sharing with me, I glad things worked out well for you and your family.

Thanks to everyone else for their replies too, it helps to feel a little less alone. I can't go into the details of whats going on in my house, but I know I don't love him any more, I've been hurt too much. So really it's down to trying to decide how to deal with it and trying to scrape together a bit of courage.