Very confused...what's his story?

LegacyUser

I started seeing my ex over 2 years ago, we went out for a year on and off, but broke up properly last summer, he finished it. We didn't speak for 6 months, but then got back in touch last Christmas. I'm 32 and he's 43 and divorced.

We would meet up maybe every 2 or 3 weeks, go to cinema, out for a meal. We started meeting up more often in March, maybe once a week, same thing, meals out, days away etc. We were in touch most days by text. He would hold my hand when walking down the street, so naturally I assumed we were back together. Well, apparently we aren't, during a conversation we had last Monday he told me we are "just good friends" and that he thought it was obvious that we were't a couple! He said he was "too old" to be dealing with a relationship.

I'd be really interested in people's opinions on this situation. I know I'm obviously wasting my time here, but what on earth were the past 6 months about. His life is fairly complicated, he has 2 kids he rarely sees and lost his job in April. He's good fun to be around, but I'm feeling a little stupid and led on to be honest.

Oh The Humanity

Unregistered wrote: »

I'd be really interested in people's opinions on this situation.

He has led you on, he let you assume one thing and he had another in mind. Cheeky not to state that to you in the first place, but then again you should have asked really.

Unregistered wrote: »

I know I'm obviously wasting my time here, but what on earth were the past 6 months about.

Yes, deffo wasting your time. I'd speculate the last 6 months have been about him stringing you along, ego boost, a bit of attention etc
Could there possibly be someone else....?

Could you be a time filler for him...??

Barracudaincork

You dont mention if you were having sex with him or not.

If you werent having sex, then i cant see how you could think it was a relationship, although tbh the holding hands part is weird then.

If you were having sex, then yeah i can see why you would think (as opposed to knowing) you were in a relationship, as all the other things would suggest that was the case.

Either way that isnt going to matter now as he has made it clear what he wants, which is from the look of things "his cake and eat it".

He is full of excuses like being too old at 43 for a girlfriend, considering Hugh Hefner can manage 8 of them at 80 I think thats crap. The fact he doesnt see much of his kids could be a worry but depends on the age of the kids too, adult kids have busy lives themselves and mightnt have time for family etc

As for feeling stupid dont!! and i mean that. You went along with something you thought was happening and it turns out its not, we all do it at some stage, sometimes its being naive, sometimes its miscommunication, sometimes its not seeing the woods for the trees. Its not stupid, its life. However now you know the situation you also know to forget about him and any relationship etc cause if you dont then that is when you do become stupid.

LegacyUser

Yes, we were sleeping together.

Barracudaincork

IMO i think yeah he led you on and he should of told you his intention from the start, but then i also think you too were party to this and you should of asked "whats the story" before you invested time, emotions etc .

Dont beat yourself up over it though, just move on from him now and dont do the whole lets be friends and keep contact thing, it will only frustrate and confuse you in the long run.

I know you must be feeling crap, but try and focus on the fact at least you found out now and not in a few months time when you would feel even more crap.

SarahMc

Yes, he has led you on and been disingenuous. Move on and learn to have the chat earlier as Barracudaincork said.

He sounds quite the headwreck.

dreamlogic

Unregistered wrote:

I'd be really interested in people's opinions on this situation. I know I'm obviously wasting my time here, but what on earth were the past 6 months about.

From his perspective, the clue might be in the reason for the breakup in the summer. He still wants to continue being with you, but the idea of "a relationship" scares him for some reason.
He knew that you still liked him though and was confident enough that you'd be there for him. He probably still thinks this. But he wants the relationship to be all on his terms.
Unless you can discuss things further with him and ask what he is so afraid of etc, and reach some compromise, it's probably better to end all contact and move on with your life.

tolteq

Unregistered wrote: »

I know I'm obviously wasting my time here,

eh how bout finding a single man (who is decent) with no baggage, kids, shlocky manners and such in the age group 30 - 35

Xiney

easier said than done, tolteq.

Try to be a bit more helpful in your replies, please.

tolteq

Xiney wrote: »

easier said than done

thats a defeatist attitude to have. the OP shouldnt hang around with the guy any more. he obviously isnt right for her. sometimes a good clear perspective is what is needed.

Xiney

OP, I agree with previous posters who say you should stop seeing this man, as he seems to want all the good parts of a relationship (sex, companionship and the appearance in public of being with someone) but not the responsibilities. He is effectively using you.

However, tolteq, telling someone to just "go out and find someone good" is unhelpful since it's far more complicated than that. Please keep your posts in this thread on topic as well.

He wanted sex and companionship ( noting wrong with that provided he was honest about it )...You wanted intimacy and a romantic relationship..ye weren't singing from the same hymn sheet

Deep down most people know exactly what going on in a relationship they just cant admit it to themselves.

Tow years is way too long time to give to an on/off relationship.He dose sound like an head wreck with a lot of issues in his life.

I know its easier said than done but you need to move on from this and stop trying to analyze his behaviour.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone who replied. Still feeling pretty crappy and let down, we were friends for a year before we got together, so it's going to be hard moving on after all this time, but obviously it's the right thing to do. His wife had an affair and left him for another man ten years ago, taking the kids with her, so that's the root of all his issues, but after two years of being there for him and getting nothing in return, I've had enough.

Oh The Humanity

You are dead right. Move on, you are worth more.

Barracudaincork

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks to everyone who replied. Still feeling pretty crappy and let down, we were friends for a year before we got together, so it's going to be hard moving on after all this time, but obviously it's the right thing to do. His wife had an affair and left him for another man ten years ago, taking the kids with her, so that's the root of all his issues, but after two years of being there for him and getting nothing in return, I've had enough.

Good on you for being so strong and determined to move on, you will inspire others to do the same, you are not settling for second best and i have to admire you for that!

Best of luck, not that i think you will need it