I can't be friends with the friend I fancy

LegacyUser

Well, it's simple. I have a friend, he's great. I couldn't possibly do justice to him here. He's everything I'd ever want in a partner.

He also has a girlfriend, naturally. He's been going out with her longer than he knows me (a couple of years), he never speaks of her to me, and I've never met her.

Anyway, I don't want to break them up or have an affair or anything. But, I find it hard being his friend. Obviously I'd love if he was single, but I can't make that happen.

I find when I'm with him it's like we slip into relationship mode. I have to hold myself back from making a move sometimes. Mutual friends have begun to pass comment on how couple-like we are. I've even been asked if there's something going on between us. I don't want this.

I don't want to just stop answering his calls, or texts, or avoid events when he's there but I think I need to distance myself from him. I just don't know how.

Any thoughts?

Oh The Humanity

Its difficult but you're gonna have to distance yourself if you're getting to the point where you think things might happen.

He's got a girlfriend, he doesn't speak about her but has been going out with her long term. Maybe on some level he is hoping you might go for a bit on the side with him.

This coupley buzz is a form of intimacy that is kind of dodgy for their relationship.

I know its a fine line when someone is your friend and you have all that commonality. But things are heading in a troublesome direction.

He might just be angling to have his cake and eat it....so tread carefully.

LegacyUser

Best thing to do might be to try find yourself a bf.

Also the following strikes me as very strange

Unregistered wrote: »

He also has a girlfriend, naturally. He's been going out with her longer than he knows me (a couple of years), he never speaks of her to me, and I've never met her.

You've never met his girlfriend even though you've been friends for years, this just seems very odd to me. Possibly meeting her might be a good idea.

BobTheBeat

Best course of action is to have a chat and see if you both can agree a more distanced friendship. The way things are going, it is quite probable that something may happen between you two.

If he is as good a friend as you say he is, he will understand exactly where you are coming from. Its not as if you are the only person in this... im sure he is feeling some of the glaring eyes and hearing the whispers of your friends.

Its best not to ignore it. If something were to get back to his girlfriend, its him that could be having the conversation with you, but under a completely different motivation.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

You are a passenger on the "Friendship Bus" get off now!

Give yourself some time away from him, like a year! Nightmare situation, happened to me and there was nothing but heartbreak. I just told the girl, "listen, I really like you. In love like and I need to stop seeing you 'cause this is killing me."

In my situation, She went fcuking spare and we ended up fighting and not talking for nearly two years. We are better friends now than we ever were! And although I still love her dearly, I'm not in love with her anymore.

Runner Bean

Well OP, it sounds like your friend IS having his cake and eating it. He has his "real" girlfriend, and then he has you acting as sort of a platonic girlfriend. In my view he is being really selfish and he knows well what the story is btwn the two of you. I mean, why hasn't he introduced you to her if the situation wouldn't make him uncomfortable or his girlfriend suspicious?

Its obvious that he knows that there is some sort of chemistry going on btwn you that doesn't fit with a guy being in a relationship with another girl. AND I bet he knows that hour relationship with him is holding you back from having a real relationship with other guys, because, as you said, you do couplish things together and he is most likely fulfilling the role of a boyfriend (without the sex side) for you.

How does he react if you act interested in or go out with other guys?

I was in this situation for years with my best friend in college. He didn't have one constant girlfriend, but a series of regular ones, yet he didn't like it when other guys tried it on with me. I didn't go out with anyone for years, and finally I got sick of him messing with my head and distanced myself from him - literally as it happened, I went to live abroad for 2 years!

banshee_bones

Maybe if you were to actually meet his girlfriend it might actually cement it for you that yes he HAS a girlfriend who is quite real. Since you have never met her and he never speaks of her its quite likely that

a) hes trying to get you as a bit on the side
or
b) the feelings are mutual.
Best thing to do would be sit him down and talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Best of luck i know this must be killing you.

ManOfMystery

I think some of the posts here are a bit unfair on the guy in question, implying he is trying to have some fun on the side. It's stated clearly that they've been friends for at least a couple of years and from the OP's post, there is absolutely nothing to suggest the guy has behaved in any way other than a friend; in fact, all the love and romance seems to be coming from the OP's side.

Anyway - OP - the way I see it you have two options.

You can ignore these feelings as best you can, and continue your friendship. It will be tough denying your true feelings but on the plus side you keep him in your life in a steady friendship, as it has been for a couple of years.

OR....

You can let him know how you feel. As he has a girlfriend, chances are he will not feel the same and your friendship will be affect. However, you will have been brutally honest with both yourself and him and there is always a small chance that he may decide he wants to be with you.

We can't decide for you unfortunately......

castle

Life is to short, you need to put yourself first and tell him how you feel, it is better to be truthful as you might end up finding out he feels the same way.Don't worry about what others say(Mutual friends have begun to pass comment on how couple-like we are).This is what you want to hear but has no bearing on real life as you are not a couple.
His partner has nothing to do with you and you can't feel sorry about her,that is his place.
Now girl if you like him then do something about it,or you might end up regretting it for the rest of your lives(yes his life aswell).Put your spoke in and then you will no either way.or are you afraid of the truth
If I was to say something positive for you is that he does not speak about his GF this is a telltale sign that he does like you,I have heard stories similar to yours and these people are now married so why not you.If he does not know you are in love with him then how can he made a decision about his future with you.
Are you seeing anyone and does the way you feel about him stop you from meeting other's?
Unless you want to spend the next year or so day dreaming,you sound quite young under 25 maybe).