Lonely lady needs advice please

LegacyUser

Hiya, I need some advice,

I was very shy when i was younger. In secondary school I had a small group of friends which I got on well with. Outside from this group I would hardly speak to anyone. When I was in secondary school my mam wouldn't allow me out to discos, to the cinema, schools tours, nothing. I suppose this added to my shyness in that people in the class would speak about their weekends and I'd have nothing to add. Towards the end of my final year in school I still wasn't allowed out and I had less and less in common with the small group of friends that I had. When we were finished with school I suppose they couldn't wait to see the back of me due to being so anti-social. Problem was i was too honest with my mam back then.

Then came college. I met people there. Got on well with a lot of people and started going out. Once i was done with college we all went our separate ways.

Then came work. I had a few different jobs down through the years and got on well with people and colleagues and went out from time to time with them with work parties. They were more like acquaintances though.

I'm now working in a job that I love for the past two years but with no colleagues. I'm 27 and a happy, easy-going, approachable lady. I get on well with people, and my family. But I have noone. Noone i could call a friend. I joined up to courses to meet people last year and met people, again these were more like acquaintances. Due to a car crash last year I couldn't continue with the courses that i joined up to do because I had no transport. I hope to join up to courses again later in the year when I have my own transport.

I joined up to an online dating site a few months ago. I got chatting to a nice man. We live in the same county and we met up a few weeks ago and things went well. We've went on two dates since and meeting up again this weekend. He's nice. I find him attractive. He has a lovely personality and great since of humour, we have so much in common, and have the same goals, we get on well and I like him. Theres so much chemistry between us too. Its far too early to call him a boyfriend, or to call it love but who knows where it will take us. My heart skips a beat when I get a message from him.

What would a guy think of someone who has no friends. What do I do. Do I pretend that I do have friends but that they're gone travelling, or that they are too busy to meet me due to family commitments. Is he going to think I'm a loner. Or say if this develops into something more like a relationship do I just throw myself into work while I'm with him and pretend I've no time for 'my friends'. Has anyone been in a similar situation.

mistybelle

just a little note to say your not alone in this situation, I've found myself in the same predicament, lots of friends at school, but all our lives took different directions and each of us to different parts of the country, over the years we all drifted and either partners or work became the priorities, mores the pity!!, and for myself i put everything in to my career, a continual bid to prove to my parents that i could be a success, and because of this the years passed quickly ( transferred a number of times)and and it seems like ive sacraficed those friendships. Its only now I'm taking time to myself and joining clubs, attempting to create a social life for myself and set down roots (Im 30 now)

I congratulate you on meeting someone lovely, dont worry about how the lack of friends may appear, you seem to have a supportive family, and enjoy their company, and if this guy and you make it, you'll get to know his social network and together you'll also meet new people.

The very best of luck

who what when

If you explain the situation to him the same way you did to us i doubt if he'l have a problem with it.

The real issue here i feel is your overprotective mother! What is it with these people? Ok you can make the point that shes simply trying to protect her daughter against the trials and tribulations of being a teenager but at what cost?, her daughters life?

I really hope it all goes well for you both.

who what when

Sorry forgot to mention when i first got together with my current girlfriend i thought i was in a similar situation 2 yourself. I didnt quiet have no friends but only a very small group (about 3) of people who i would have called friends. Because of this i was a bit nervous when she started asking to meet my friends. But when the time came i actually realised the people who you call acquaintances are very important people.
While you may not be best friends with someone it doesnt mean you cant meet them in social circles, have a chat and move on to the next acquaintance! By doing this my girlfriend actually thought i was very popular, which couldnt be further from the thruth!

mistybelle

thanks for sharing WWW. I reckon that there are more of us out there in a similar situation than we think, for us in this generation, things have just gotten so busy and run at such a fast pace, its sometimes hard to sustain committed friendships, when you feel like your chasin your tail. its important to have a number of people in your life, small or otherwise, who you know you can depend on regardless, be that, family friends or aquaintances.

LegacyUser

I found I had the same problem, I had loads of friends in my late teens but lived in the South of the country. When I started working in Dublin I made acquaintances, the type you could join for a drink after work but not really arrange to meet up with on a Saturday night. Going back South wasn't a good idea either because all my friends had drifted away chasing careers themselves. It can be difficult and you're not alone. The good news is your boyfriend couldn't care less but just be careful you don't become too dependent on him as it may seem as if you're 'clingy', keep your outside interests such as the courses in order to keep some independence because unfortunately with a boyfriend if the romance doesn't work out you'll lose a friend also.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

The good news is your boyfriend couldn't care less but just be careful you don't become too dependent on him as it may seem as if you're 'clingy'

I had a girlfriend who had no friends. Her friend were her sisters, I guess, and she didn't seem them very much. The people she knew from work didn't like her, I think, because she was abrasive with them. Her job called for her to abrasive and she kinda relished it

I didn't care.

I liked her. And it mattered not a jot to me who else was in her life, or how many of them there were. I thought she, herself, was awesome. End of story.

However, she rapidly became a 24/7 girlfriend. After a few months that killed us. I have lots of friends/interests and - no matter how much in love I might be - I will want to spend a couple of nights doing other stuff.

So, I agree with the poster above: don't be clingy and watch for signs of it. Even if it means sitting home alone some nights with the knitting (or whatever) just don't smother him with your company. Too much of a great thing... sucks.

Also, as another poster said, just tell him what you told us in exactly the same way.

I've liked lots of girls. I would never have stopped liking any of them because I might have thought other people were staying away from them in droves. Nope. I trust my own instincts. He will too. And your story (while sad) is just another fascinating aspect of your character.

And if things get really good (and I hope they do) my advice is: don't try to meet every single time you are free. That will screw things up much quicker than your quantity of friends.

Good luck.

snowy2008

your being silly, now, i dont know anyone who can say they have more than 3 real friends, just because you dont have a whole lot doesnt mean theres something wrong with you, i was in the same situtation when i met my boyfriend and to be honest he didnt care coz he was dating me, not my friends, you know, if this is the biggest thing you have to worry about consider yourself lucky

Kimia

Teresa you're being quite unfair here. It's such a stock response to say 'well you're actually very lucky compared to such and such'. This is the OP's problem and it's affecting her so don't belittle it.

OP I know exactly where you're coming from. It's very hard to create a friendship with someone, especially the older you get. Keep trying though and you're dead right to continue with evening classes etc. The gym is also a good place as you have classes there and social evenings.

Totally agree also with the other posters re being too clingy. It's SO important to have your own life (even with no friends) so make sure that you remember that if this man (who sounds lovely by the way) becomes your boyfriend, that is a wonderful thing, but you shouldn't make him fill the void of friendship too. Keep plugging away on that on your own, and you will be a stronger person for it. Independence is very attractive.

Best of luck and don't worry you're not alone in this - a lot of people have been there so it's not an 'abnormal' thing to be without close friends.
x

snowy2008

i certainly am not belittling her issue, i take exception to that

hope it works out for the op

Kimia

teresa2008 wrote: »

if this is the biggest thing you have to worry about consider yourself lucky

This wasn't very nice or helpful.

snowy2008

it was meant with good intentions, end of.

Xiney

let's keep it on topic.

Ta.

Xiney

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I used to be a bit like you but in my case I have rather a large family, but have little contact with them.

I used to wonder what a man would think of someone like me, with loads of brothers and sisters, nephews and nieces and yet, rarely seeing them. I thought he would judge me. I had my own reasons however and when I met 'my man', he didn't once question me. He just accepted me for the person I am and accepted that yes, I have a large family but I'm not in touch with them.

My point being he loves me for who I am, not because I have wonderful friends or family. If this guy is a decent person, he'll like you for who you are, and not because you have or haven't got friends. Life is short OP, enjoy this feeling and don't try to anticipate something that my never happen!

LegacyUser

hello OP

try the following book, it helped me ENORMOUSLY, I can't rate it highly enough.

Overcoming Loneliness and Making Friends - Marianna Csoti

Check to see if your local library has it or you can pick up new or secondhand copies from amazon

LegacyUser

lonely.lad wrote: »

I had a girlfriend who had no friends. Her friend were her sisters, I guess, and she didn't seem them very much. The people she knew from work didn't like her, I think, because she was abrasive with them. Her job called for her to abrasive and she kinda relished it

I didn't care.

I liked her. And it mattered not a jot to me who else was in her life, or how many of them there were. I thought she, herself, was awesome. End of story.

However, she rapidly became a 24/7 girlfriend. After a few months that killed us. I have lots of friends/interests and - no matter how much in love I might be - I will want to spend a couple of nights doing other stuff.

So, I agree with the poster above: don't be clingy and watch for signs of it. Even if it means sitting home alone some nights with the knitting (or whatever) just don't smother him with your company. Too much of a great thing... sucks.

Also, as another poster said, just tell him what you told us in exactly the same way.

I've liked lots of girls. I would never have stopped liking any of them because I might have thought other people were staying away from them in droves. Nope. I trust my own instincts. He will too. And your story (while sad) is just another fascinating aspect of your character.

And if things get really good (and I hope they do) my advice is: don't try to meet every single time you are free. That will screw things up much quicker than your quantity of friends.

Good luck.

Your story, lonely.lad was so good to hear. Who What When your story was nice to read also.

Thanks for the replies everyone. Its still only in the very early stages between myself and this guy. If it develops into a relationship I'll have a chat with him when the time is right. say for example if he wanted to meet my friends or something.

Thanks for the warnings about becoming clingy. I can ensure you this won't happen. The two of us are busy with work during the week and also busy at work some weekends. The two of us are workaholics!

Thanks for the book recommendation. I've googled it. Will go shopping tomorrow to see if its in the shops. Its on the easons website so will check in town first.

Svalbard

I think perhaps you have more friends than you realise. It all depends on how you define them. You call them acquaintances - they might well consider you a friend.
Just because you don't know each others deepest secrets doesn't mean they don't value you or you them.
My guess is that you have this idea in your head that you need a sizable group of old, dear very close friends. Some people have this - good for them. Most don't!! I think you'll find most people's social groups are more acquaintance than BFFs!!

Maybe you call them acquaintances because you feel foolish calling them friends, perhaps you are embarrassed they may not consider you the same. I doubt you have anything to worry about in that regard.

LegacyUser

Hey OP

In my experience having one or two good/best friends, although it seems a small number is much more important than being able to say that you have 100 acquaintances. Its those one or two that will always be there for you, no matter what.

I myself only have a small number of people that i could call friends, and one of those is my cousin. It doesn't matter who they are or the quantity that you have of them, its the quality of the friendship that you have with then that matters.

Best of luck!!!!!