Boyfriend sowed too many wild oats

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm a 22-year-old female and my boyfriend is a bit older than me, he's 29. He is American-born but has Irish citizenship through his grandfather and has been living over here for 5 years now. We met at work and we've been together since our Christmas party last December. He is normally very open but I had always noticed that he got a bit evasive when it came to talking about past relationships so I finally put him on the spot last weekend and asked him about his history. You could have knocked me over with a feather when he admitted that he has had sex with "a couple hundred" women, and this includes threesomes and even foursomes (always him and other girls). He said that this mostly happened back in his college days when he was younger, that he's over that now, that he's been fully tested for STDs, that he loves me and only has eyes for me, etc.

Maybe I'm over-reacting but I just can't get over this. I've been thinking about it constantly. I keep imagining this endless parade of women passing through his bed and keep thinking that I'm just one among hundreds that he's been with. He is only my third. I know I shouldn't be thinking of ditching him because of things he did before he met me, but I somehow feel that I've been cheated on, even if that doesn't make sense. It makes me so insecure. I feel cold towards him now and I don't know what to do or say.

Liam Byrne

1) You shouldn't have asked
2) It's not about being the first; it's about being the last.....*

* Apologies to regular readers who've seen me post that Joe Diffie line about 20 times at this stage, but it's true!

starchild

I can see why it would be a shock but there are some positives to this too

- he is being completely honest with you
- he is pretty experienced so you should have a lot of fun together

remember he is a good deal older than you, if you were to remain single from now till you were 29 you would probably have a vastly different perspective. Also and this just my opinion but i think that americans have in general a much more open and positive attitude towards sex, they see it as fun , one night stands dont carry the same stigma as they have historically in ireland.

there is no sense in you destroying what you have and could have because someone answered a question truthfully. I think you should just run with it and enjoy it.

LegacyUser

starchild wrote: »

Also and this just my opinion but i think that americans have in general a much more open and positive attitude towards sex, they see it as fun , one night stands dont carry the same stigma as they have historically in ireland

well not sure about that. I'm American living here and what I've seen going on in pubs and clubs and stories Irish friends have told me about one night stands after being drunk in said pubs and clubs have been slightly shocking to me TBH. I think there is likely more casual sex happening here. I do think Americans are more open about certain things like nudity/bodies (I have female friends here who have one night stands yet won't have sex unless the lights are off) and I also think there is less guilt in the US surrounding sex when people do have it. There seems to be kind of a national split personality in Ireland surrounding all things sex-related.

To the OP: Put it out of your head. Don't make yourself crazy. When you think of him with the girls from his past, try to visualize a huge, red stop sign in your brain. And don't press him for anymore details.

Permabear

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tbh

you know the guy you met and fell in love with? The funny thing is, he has the same sexual history as your b/f, the only difference is, you didn't know about it.

So, what - you think differently of your b/f now? Maybe don't trust him as much? If so, do the guy a favour and break up with him.

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

You could have knocked me over with a feather when he admitted that he has had sex with "a couple hundred" women, and this includes threesomes and even foursomes (always him and other girls). He said that this mostly happened back in his college days when he was younger, that he's over that now, that he's been fully tested for STDs, that he loves me and only has eyes for me, etc.

Was he a pornstar?

Unregistered wrote: »

well not sure about that. I'm American living here and what I've seen going on in pubs and clubs and stories Irish friends have told me about one night stands after being drunk in said pubs and clubs have been slightly shocking to me TBH. I think there is likely more casual sex happening here.

+1.

From experiences of living with Americans, going to uni with Americans and living in America, the above is exactly the same as any reaction I have ever gotten.

IMO unless he was involved in the porn industry to put himself through college there is a fairly large degree of wishful thinking and false bravado going on there OP. Of course it was always with other girls.

LegacyUser

I am in your boyfriends shoes as in I have slept with around 100, not too sure of the exact number. But listen, dont be eating yourself up worrying about the parade of women. He doesn't think of them any more if he is anything like me.

I cant remember even half the people I've slept with, because one night stands all blend into one really. Like your boyfriend I've had all the tests and thankfully all is well.

I am in a relationship now that means everything to me, I dont cheat on my boyfriend and dont want to. So stop worrying unneccesarily.

Some people find casual sex is not for them and others dont find it a big deal. Dont worry about it, its perfectly possible to be promiscuous when single and then go on to have decent long term monogamous relationships.

It happens all the time. I think some people can compartmentalise their sex life/love life more than others. Neither is right or wrong, just different.

Permabear

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vorbis

Its all very well saying to the OP to be rational in this case. However a few hundred is quite a lot. In the reverse, I'd run a mile from a girl who told me she's been with a couple of hundred guys. Your bf imo should never have told you the real number. Its now up to you though to see if you can deal with this. If you can't ye need to break up. Don't feel too bad about it, this would be a deal breaker for a lot of people.

Permabear

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mayordenis

Sorry but it was a stupid question to keep badgering him about - alot of people have no interest in past relationships for many reasons, myself included, my business not my partners.
If you weren't prepared for the answers it's on you.

Permabear

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dreamlogic

donegalfella wrote:

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This is true, and it's important to feel safe. However any discussion of this would depend on the other person being truthful/trustworthy.
If you get to know the person a bit before going to bed with them then you already trust them anyway, or should. If you go to bed with them too early then you could be taking a risk anyway because you don't know the person well enough. Often though, it comes down to trusting your own judgement rather than purely taking the person's word for it.

OP, I don't know why you'd wait till this far into a relationship to ask this question. If you wanted to know, the time to ask would have been before things got serious. But now that you've asked you should forget it really and continue with things as normal would be my advice. Otherwise you're just looking for trouble where there's none and it's likely that you'll push him away by being paranoid.

The most important part of all this, as far as I'm concerned, is that the OP's boyfriend reassured her that he has been checked for STDs and that she's not at risk of contracting anything from his previous partners.

Exactly. If she feels reassured in this respect then she shouldn't have any issues.

tolteq

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi, I'm a 22-year-old female and my boyfriend is a bit older than me, he's 29. He is American-born but has Irish citizenship through his grandfather and has been living over here for 5 years now. We met at work and we've been together since our Christmas party last December. He is normally very open but I had always noticed that he got a bit evasive when it came to talking about past relationships so I finally put him on the spot last weekend and asked him about his history. You could have knocked me over with a feather when he admitted that he has had sex with "a couple hundred" women, and this includes threesomes and even foursomes (always him and other girls). He said that this mostly happened back in his college days when he was younger, that he's over that now, that he's been fully tested for STDs, that he loves me and only has eyes for me, etc.

Maybe I'm over-reacting but I just can't get over this. I've been thinking about it constantly. I keep imagining this endless parade of women passing through his bed and keep thinking that I'm just one among hundreds that he's been with. He is only my third. I know I shouldn't be thinking of ditching him because of things he did before he met me, but I somehow feel that I've been cheated on, even if that doesn't make sense. It makes me so insecure. I feel cold towards him now and I don't know what to do or say.

I dont think ur over reacting. You should dump him and perhaps find somebody closer to your age, who has less experience. u'll feel better i think with a guy who isnt as ahem........"experienced"

LegacyUser

I dont think that you should be worried at all.Actually I think it should be him jealous rather than you!You say that he slept with hundreds of girls so obviously most of these girls meant nothing to him and it was just a one off thing!Where as youve only been with a few men (correct me if Im wrong)and were obviously close to them so the sex meant much more to you than it did to him when he was with girls.If it was me anyway Id be a hell of a lot more jealous of the meaningful sex rather than the one night stands!

LegacyUser

It's a tough one and it really depends on whether this sort of thing bothers you or not.

I am a 26M and I ade the mistake of asking a girl I was getting quite intimate with how many.... I am by no means inexperienced but her bedpost notches exceeded mine by a factor of 7! (That's 7 times as many people kids).

Needless to say I was quite put out by that and like you say, coulld not help the images popping into my head (though I am sure mine were a bit mroe graphic than yours).

We ended up breaking up. I am sure this was a contributory factor. I wasn't that into her in the end, I think that's why. She just seemed.... tainted or something.

You need to decide if this bothers you, rather than asking what others think because everyone is different.

Dudess

America's a big place - some parts of it are among the most conservative in the world when it comes to sex and sexuality.

OP, if I had to choose between a guy who's just out of a several-year-long relationship with a woman who he was crazy in love with and will never fully lose his feelings for... versus a guy who's had sex with a couple of hundred and is likely to be spectacular in bed, option 2 please!

zxcvbnm1

Unregistered wrote: »

It's a tough one and it really depends on whether this sort of thing bothers you or not.

I am a 26M and I ade the mistake of asking a girl I was getting quite intimate with how many.... I am by no means inexperienced but her bedpost notches exceeded mine by a factor of 7! (That's 7 times as many people kids).

Needless to say I was quite put out by that and like you say, coulld not help the images popping into my head (though I am sure mine were a bit mroe graphic than yours).

We ended up breaking up. I am sure this was a contributory factor. I wasn't that into her in the end, I think that's why. She just seemed.... tainted or something.

You need to decide if this bothers you, rather than asking what others think because everyone is different.

+1

EVeryone is different when it comes to this kind of thing.
No one is right or wrong.
If it bother syou then it bothers you and if it doesn't then it doesn't.

Thsi really is one you will have to work out for yourself i'm afraid.

aidan24326

Unregistered wrote: »

He said that this mostly happened back in his college days when he was younger, that he's over that now, that he's been fully tested for STDs, that he loves me and only has eyes for me, etc.

He loves you and only has eyes for you, isn't that enough?

What happened in the past is in the past, leave it there. If this really is a problem for you, ask yourself why? So what if he enjoyed himself in his college days. He's presumably a good-looking lad, there were lots of willing girls around and he only did what 95% of guys would do in the same situation, particularly at that age. If he's a good guy and you're happy with him in every other way it would be silly to throw that away over something that should be largely irrelevant at this stage.