OH Unemployed 2 years

LegacyUser

I met my other half when he was just made redundant from a sucessful job 2 years ago.
Almost two years later, hes still unemployed. Im working and Im starting to resent him holding us back, not moving forward. He cant find a job. My life has gone very well the last few months but I cant help but feel that Ive fallen out of love with him because hes a narky housewife and Im off earning the bread and butter.

I just feel so sad, lying in bed last night crying, nothing is happening to us because hes still unemployed. It makes me miserable. I want to be with him, but he wont take a lesser job title than what he was, for example in management.

Ive tried talking to him, helping him with his CV, sending him job links. Im at my wits end, I cant come home to him happy to see him because he tells me all the crappy things he did that day that add up in his head to a full days worth of work, when in reality, he didnt have to leave once, be in somewhere on time, even sit in traffic and work eight hours.

I told a friend a few months ago that if he didnt have a job by July, I would finish with him. But, I love him, so why kick someone when they're down? I love him so much so its not a justifiable reason for finishing with someone, because they're unemployed? We're meant to be a team.

Im so afraid that he wont get a job or isnt really looking because hes adapted to his dole life. I know that I wouldnt be here if it werent for him, hes kept me settled in the same place and Im an adventurer and a person whos life doesnt stop moving, yet here I am, going no-where with Joe soap.

I just never thought that I would be in this position and its making me upset, angry, etc. Dont understand how to deal with him and us and the unemployment. If he was working, hed be so full of life, like when I met him before and hes not.

RossFixxxed

For TWO YEARS? Ah here come on, really? I know things are crappy at the moment, but 2 years ago there were plenty of jobs. I quit my own without lining one up and had a job 2 days later it was that easy! Ok fair enough if he was fussy, ill, fallen on a bad patch. It's not that he's not working is the issue is it? It's the fact that you are stuck in traffic staring at the windscreen wipers thumping off the car at stupid o clock, trudging into the office and having a rubbsih day while he's watching Maury on the couch.

He doesn't (from your post) seem to be bothering at all and that's worrying. I mean work is boring and sucky we know that but you do it to move forward, and in a relationship that means houses, kids, bills, nice dinners, sweets and all that! And those things are important.

Does he put ANY effort into the other asects of the relationship? Does he suffer or seem to suffer depressive symptoms: lack of motivation, lethargy, mood swings, etc...? If I was stuck in the house for 2 years I'd be a total wreck tbh.

R

BobTheBeat

First off, thats a terrible situation OP, and I completely empathise with you. It cant be easy trying to keep the show on the road all by yourself. And ill bet thats what it feels like for you. The pressure must be enormous.

It would seem, from my reading of the situation, that you and your other half are in two completely different worlds. On one hand, you're slogging away, trying to keep things going, making a better life for yourself (and admittedly both of you). Whereas, on the other hand your partner is gone completely off the rails, lounging around, content in the knowledge that youre carrying the can for the both of you.

OP, it appears as though you havent really talked this through with him. You've cited 'why kick him when he's down' as part reason for this. Unacceptable. The guy has had 2 years, on his h0le, to sit and ponder what it is he is going to do with himself. Its a combination of laziness and pride thats got him to where he is right now. Laziness, in so far as he hasnt done anything to get work and contribute to the household. Pride, because anything other than 'management' is beneath him . Its the latter thats the worst.

What is it that he wants to do? FFS you can manage a drinks aisle in Dunnes. You can manage a machine in a factory. Is he hoping to just slot in with a bluechip company and have responsibility to fall into his lap? Most employers would bin his application if they found he was unwilling to work in a position he found outside what he deemed 'managerial'. Theres a bit of that in every job. Even as a 'manager' he should know this.

You need to put your foot down at this stage. He's obviously ignoring your plea's. If an ultimatum is the only thing that can spur him on, then so be it.

Oh The Humanity

but he wont take a lesser job title than what he was, for example in management.

Thats his problem right there.

In the recession we all have to cut our cloth. Plenty of people are doing jobs that they used to consider 'beneath them'

People who used to whizz about in a top of the range company cars are on the bus. People who had management roles are being made redundant every day and go out and take whatever comes their way and are glad to get it. All the bull$hit keeping up with the Joneses that went on during the Celtic Tiger is over. And good riddance.

He is being much too idealistic. He needs to get back working doing something. Anything at all.

LegacyUser

I would like to add that he makes himself busy with odd jobs every day folks. He took one year off after the redundancy for a break but even while the recession was beginning to be spoken about, he didnt see this as a warning to get a job while they were hot. I just kept nudging him, mentioning it every time he said he would.

Hes not depressed or anything or lounging around, he has a pretty great life at the moment, pottering around.

Ive a very good job at the moment, I actually am having a very good time in it, its going very well for me.

Bob Meaning, I have cried this out with him, talked this out with him, I get the same assurances every time. He only started looking for a job 3 months ago and he found out that THERE WAS NO JOBS out there. Looking for a job in a recession is like looking for a needle in a haystack. I cant say what his job is, because its specialised it would give it away.sorry...

PCPhoto

An ex of mine has the same problem - but her reason for not "actively" looking for a job is that even if she gets one - she'll only earn slightly more than the dole and theres no incentive for 40+ hours of work versus going on the internet and watching tv most of the day. (after the initial couple of weeks you accept that unemployment is a part of life - especially in the current circumstances)

I have told her to take any job for the sake of having a job but she said she worked hard for 4yrs to get to a level - if she takes any job she has effectively lost the last 4yrs of work experience (in her opinion), I tried to reason that its a recession - you take what you can do - and build again, its better to be actually working and doing something rather than sitting at home - getting depressed.

Personally.... I quit my job about 3months ago (due to bullying and a lack of movement on the matter by my boss).... became self employed and have been working 6-7days a week since....my problem is getting money from clients - some have not paid yet after nearly 3 months of work. (my overdraft has exceeded its limit, credit cards maxed and over limit - have been selling stuff to make minimum payments)

Anyway - I'm getting away from my point ..... he's stuck in a rut and has accepted that unemployment life is less stressful, if you want a relationship with this guy you might need take a break from him - his attitude will no doubt strain your relationship (it has already started - hence this thread) ..... maybe he could consider setting up his own business - he should do one of the business courses paid for by Social Welfare.

JJJJNR

Well 3 months looking isnt a lot, 2 years looking is.. He'll get something before Christmas I'd say.

Life of reily ! I bet his handicap is a lot lower..

Best of luck!

BobTheBeat

I understand lulu, thats entirely your own business. And indeed, starting to look for work, after a considerable hiatus, and during a time when employment is scarce seems almost counter productive.

But at least its something. At least it shows effort. Which is more than what he has displayed to you in the past number of years. There are jobs out there, but he will need to put himself outside his comfort zone to apply for them. And lets face it, when you've been on your arse for 2 years, everything is under that heading.

Youre a very loving and supportive person, that much is clear from your posts. But the situation is taking its toll on you. Does he realise that? Are you sure his heart is actually in the relationship? Him refusing to support the household is tantamount to disrespect. For both you and himself. He wants you to do it for him. How long more will you put up with it though?

RossFixxxed

Too specialised? So sitting on the couch doing 'odd jobs' is in some way better? The dole is ok but working isn't.

Sounds like a bum tbh.

prinz

There was a tv programme on RTE one evening a while back about immigrants in Ireland, featured an Afghani family in north county Dublin IIRC, the father had been a law professor, and a judge in Afghanistan, and his wife had been a successful TV producer. They fled when the Taliban took over.Here in Ireland they both work in the kitchen of the local nursing home or someplace like that. Tbh the guy was happy, he had his wife, his kids, his health, it didn't matter to him that he is here peeling spuds to earn his keep. He was an inspiration for me anyway watching him.

I have no time whatsoever for anyone who won't take a job because he sees it as beneath him. Especially the people who had it too good for a couple of years and believe it's their God given right to a certain standard of living or income.

Frankly when he does get around to the job/interview stage he's going to have a sticky time explaining the "missing" two years, no matter how he puts it, it doesn't look good to a prospective employer.

LegacyUser

How bout some perspective? Six years ago I was unemployed for 8 months. I was very qualified in what I do but felt under alot of pressure to take 'anything' but I stuck it out. I'm very glad I did because I really believe I would have stopped persuing my chosen career if I'd taken 'anything'. I got a job eventually and a much bigger salary than I would have otherwise (and paid alot more tax, I am not and have never been a scrounger). You get what you settle for and all that.

He's only been trying three months, see how hard he tries in the next few months before you start with the ultimatums. Him being stuck in a dead end job won't help either of you long term.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

prinz wrote: »

I have no time whatsoever for anyone who won't take a job because he sees it as beneath him. Especially the people who had it too good for a couple of years and believe it's their God given right to a certain standard of living or income.

Frankly when he does get around to the job/interview stage he's going to have a sticky time explaining the "missing" two years, no matter how he puts it, it doesn't look good to a prospective employer.

Well lets see.... (speaking for myself, unemployed 3 mnths) I have five years higher education, eight years work experience and I'm an award winner in my field. Am I going to go work in a call centre/kitchen when I could be using my unemployed time to go to interviews/chase up new leads/ research other markets?

I'm not happy to be out of work right now but as someone who's paid a lot of tax for many years I'm not going to rush out to peel spuds either. I'm not to snobbish to peel spuds FYI, I did it many times when I was a migrant years ago and in this country, but tbh I know how my time is better spent - working on getting a good job for a better FUTURE.

Also its not easy to get menial jobs after a certain age. Employers want people in their early 20s who they can pay low wages to without guilt or longterm commitment. They also look prettier serving tables. Thats common sense.

I hate this attitude that some people have to the educated unemployed, its an easy attitude to take but doesn't hold up.

irishvamp90

lulu444 wrote: »

I would like to add that he makes himself busy with odd jobs every day folks. He took one year off after the redundancy for a break but even while the recession was beginning to be spoken about, he didnt see this as a warning to get a job while they were hot. I just kept nudging him, mentioning it every time he said he would.

Hes not depressed or anything or lounging around, he has a pretty great life at the moment, pottering around.

Ive a very good job at the moment, I actually am having a very good time in it, its going very well for me.

Bob Meaning, I have cried this out with him, talked this out with him, I get the same assurances every time. He only started looking for a job 3 months ago and he found out that THERE WAS NO JOBS out there. Looking for a job in a recession is like looking for a needle in a haystack. I cant say what his job is, because its specialised it would give it away.sorry...

what is he?a sas sercet agent!people on boards may have links to jobs if you say what area

Xiney

The OP is not beholden to divulge more than she wants to about her situation.

It could very well be that he is specialized enough to narrow him down.

sunnyside

Unregistered wrote: »

How bout some perspective? Six years ago I was unemployed for 8 months. I was very qualified in what I do but felt under alot of pressure to take 'anything' but I stuck it out. I'm very glad I did because I really believe I would have stopped persuing my chosen career if I'd taken 'anything'. I got a job eventually and a much bigger salary than I would have otherwise (and paid alot more tax, I am not and have never been a scrounger). You get what you settle for and all that.

QUOTE]

I agree with you. Anyone who is working 40 hours a week at something menial will be too tired to look for a better job. Problem is her OH seems unwilling to work as opposed to waiting for a better offer. 2 years is a bit too long.

RossFixxxed

sunnyside wrote: »

Unregistered wrote: »

How bout some perspective? Six years ago I was unemployed for 8 months. I was very qualified in what I do but felt under alot of pressure to take 'anything' but I stuck it out. I'm very glad I did because I really believe I would have stopped persuing my chosen career if I'd taken 'anything'. I got a job eventually and a much bigger salary than I would have otherwise (and paid alot more tax, I am not and have never been a scrounger). You get what you settle for and all that.

I agree with you. Anyone who is working 40 hours a week at something menial will be too tired to look for a better job. Problem is her OH seems unwilling to work as opposed to waiting for a better offer. 2 years is a bit too long.

Sitting around the house isn't gonna give you a big burst of energy either. There is a degree of pride in working too. Fair enough if you stick it out by yourself for a few months, I do understand... BUT this is TWO YEARS!! Thats too much, and no matter HOW specialised it is better to be earning than just claiming the dole and LEAVING YOUR OH TO DO ALL THE WORK. This is ridiculous.

You can work a day to day job while you look for the big one! It's a matter of getting up and doing it. If you're gonna let your dream die cos you're tired after working it's not one you were ever going to follow. I've learned that the hard way.

prinz

In fairness I was only pointing out that doing 'something' constructive with your time is better than the wait and see approach.

Personally I have sat in on interviews, and the last thing an employer wants to see is a gap of the sort of two years, during which the applicant did what? Uhm nothing, but annoy the hell out of his OH. What is he going to say 'I was waiting for the right job to come along?' - Emloyer: lack of motivation, lack of drive, lack of discipline, etc etc.

He lost his job so he took a 21 months to relax? What has irked the OP most is jobs were available but he wasn't bothered going to try to take them.

LegacyUser

Yeah, you hit the nail on the head Prinz, its exactly how I feel. I wish things were different because were so good together, but its such a pain in the ass. I suggested him getting job in another part of the country - no, because thats not how he wants to live his life, seeing me only at weekends. I just feel lonely and trapped. No craic, no fun or meeting each other for drinks after work anymore, just go home, eat dinner, talk and bed.

Another poster starting over analysing me there, and suggested that I wanted kids, house, marraige, etc. Well, thats not really it. You see, when you are going in one direction and the other person is going in a completely different direction, but you want to be together, the stress is unreal. Totally unreal. It hurts like hell to realise, this may not be it, down to that fact, even though you love each other.

I just want us to be able to live again without penny pinching. When a young couple are working they can get closer to living better with two incomes. We dont live in a nice place, that bothers me, he told me we would leave when he got a job, the time passed, no job, were still stuck there.

Im bored, I want the guy I went out with first back, I was attracted to him because he had so much going for him and now hes sat back too much that I resent him for not getting up off his ass earlier and for not thinking about our future and how him not working would effect our relationship.