Long distance problems

What_to_do999

I've been going out with this guy for the last ten months or so. We're both living in different counties which is something that can't be helped at the moment but hopefully that will change in a few months.
Anyway, to cut a long story short... lately it seems to be a big effort for him to have a proper chat on the phone in the evenings because he's too tired from work and now the latest thing is that he's too tired to drive at weekends. It's about a 2 and a half hour drive. He can't expect me to be running to him every weekend but the thing is that he doesn't. He's happy for us to let a weekend go without seeing each other.
Maybe I read too much into things but at that's the sort of thing that gets me down and becomes frustrating and I'm not sure how to deal with it or really what to say to him without coming across and being a dictator!!

I do accept that he's wrecked tired but what gets me more is his way of thinking that not seeing each other is grand, and that combined with the poor phone call in the evening just makes me wonder are we on the same wavelength??.... Maybe I'm mad and just need to be told to relax or something!!

Any advice would be appreciated!

The most important thing about being in a long distance realtionship is communication (that can be said for any relationship though). Let him know these things are bothering you.

What_to_do999

Yeah I've told him I was hurt and a bit pissed off that things seem to be difficult at the moment and that it shouldn't have to feel like a duty for him to call or to want to see me. His approach to it it that it's only for the time being because he's very busy at work and that things won't always be like this.

I accept that people can be exhausted and feel burned out come a Friday evening but I would just like to feel that at times he would go the extra mile as I know I would for him.

Xiney

Long Distance Relationships are work.

He works hard all week and then works hard on the weekends on your relationship. It could be that he's burned out from being "on" all the time.

Maybe a couple of weekends to himself is all he needs. A bit of chat on the phone during the week of course.



If it continues, it would be time to re evaluate the situation of course.

What_to_do999

Yeah maybe so. I see where you're coming from by saying he's "on" all the time and maybe he just needs a bit of time to do as little as possible.

We get on really well when we're together and rarely fight but then at times the long distance factor finds a way to put a strain on things in one way or another and I don't want it to drive us apart.

Madame Razz

I hate to rain on your parade OP, but having been in a similar situation previously, I made all the excuses your OH is making when I just couldn't be bothered making the effort anymore.

I know that sounds blunt, but it was an absolute fact at the time.

Despite ANY circumstances, if a person wants to make an effort they will, if they can't be arsed; any excuse will suffice.

I think you need to sit down with him and have a chat, and find out where he's at with all of this.

2.5 hours apart isn't really a big deal, nor is it long distance, it really shouldn't be too much of an effort for him if he wants this relationship tbh.

What_to_do999

Yeah I know that 2.5 hours isn't that far to travel especially when you really want something or in this case someone.

The thought had crossed my mind that maybe he simply wasn't bothered and had lost interest and I suggested that to him and he assured me that wasn't the case. He's always been honest with me and if ever there was a problem in the past he's always said it straight out so that made me think that this time should be no different.

I really do hope it is just the stresses of work and the long hours that are the problem this time. I also really hope I'm not fooling myself and being taken for a ride like I see with so many other girls....

prinz

I'm in a LDR relationship, and I can see both sides of the argument. Yes I would do anything to go the extra mile to see my OH, but on the other hand when I've had a bad day or a long week the last thing I want to do is to sit down and dwell on the fact that we are apart i.e. telephone calls or whatever. A lot of the time it makes me feel worse. But communication is vital. I'm lucky my gf understands if sometimes I need an evening without contact, or a weekend to myself once in a while (had been doing the every available weekend trip to her for a long time and in the end I comletely burned out - neglecting friends, no time to myself). I work a lot of weekends, and when I wasn't working on a weekend I was going direct from the office to the airport on a Friday evening, then fly back on a Sunday night to be in work Monday morning. It was unsustainable tbh. When I told her it couldn't be kept up yes she was disappointed but I explained the situation and she understands.

This is a big issue in LDR's. You come to expect that your OH will spend every spare minute with you, much more so than if you were together. It's easy to suffocate each other.

You need to tell him what you posted here.tbh I know I got to the stage where I was actively avoiding calls from my OH, it wouldve been hell to talk to her on the phone when all I needed was a hug. But as Madame Razz points out where there's a will there's a way and sometimes he needs to just suck it up, for the sake of the relationship.

On the other hand you're only in different counties, try taking 5 - 6 hours to get to see your OH, with a flight and two trains. :pac:

What_to_do999

A problem like this doesn't usually arise between us because for one reason or another is generally works out that it suits one of us to travel more so than the other.

I couldn't imagine what things would be like if it involved going to another country to see each other at weekends. Would take a lot of commitment and love I would think.

I don't think this justifies ending the relationship though. But I will talk to him about it and see where we stand

Supercell

Op, I'm in a LDR with a girl in China, doesn't get much longer than that!
She's a busy girl and works long hours and we don't chat everyday because i work shift and with the time difference its just not possible.

I can understand the guy not wanting a 2.5 hour drive every weekend if he's tired. Sometimes you just need to relax, maybe chatting on webcam on msn might be a good alternative?
That said, if his behaviour changes a few months into a relationship rather than a few weeks into a relationship then alarm bells would be ringing.

sunnyside

Madame Razz wrote: »

Despite ANY circumstances, if a person wants to make an effort they will, if they can't be arsed; any excuse will suffice.

I agree, 2 and a half hours isn't that far away, most men would happily drive that far and back just for sex. The phone conversations shouldn't require effort, my OH works very long days sometimes and will often call to chat even for 5 minutes. It's comforting to talk to someone you love when you feel stressed. Proceed with caution OP.

What_to_do999

Thank you all for your advice. To be fair it was just this weekend that the problem arose and it made me sit back and wonder was it going to lead to more problems like this. We have managed to sort things out and he assures me that it was the pressures of work and the amount of pressure that he's under that was the root of the problem and not out relationship.
Luckily we had a great weekend and fingers crossed the problem won't arise again!