Relationship woe

LegacyUser

I am in a relationship with possibly the most beautiful girl I have ever met. She is quite litereally my dream girl; she is smart, funny, caring.

However, there are some problems. These problems are small problems, but i somehow manage to make them much worse and it seriously makes me feel like **** all the time and doubt our relationship (which I just do not want, because I really feel so strongly for her - as she does for me [so she says])

Here are some of the problems:
She has never once made any effort to meet my friends or family. By this I mean if I ask her if she wants to, she usually says no. Or makes up an excuse. And she never asks if she can. This is despite me asking to meet her friends (which I have done loads of times).

She never actually asks me if I want to do something. It generally is me that makes the plans, and it makes me feel like she just can't be bothered.

There are a few other things, but much smaller. All of the above things make me feel really under-appreciated and that it's not like a proper relationship. I am going to talk about these things to her at some point, but I just wanted to get people's opinions first. Am I being stupid or have I got a ground for feeling the way I do?

Thanks

shellyboo

I think those are things that need to be addressed, yeah. Can I ask how long you've been seeing her? Because her not meeting your family is a big deal if you've been dating for years - less so if you've only been dating a few months.

LegacyUser

Sorry mods, forgot this forum existed.

We've been going out close to 4 months. I know that's not too long and her meeting my family isn't too much of a big deal (that will come in time), but it's her not meeting my friends that gets to me. For a while my friends even doubted she existed!

LegacyUser

Whatever the reasons behind this are I don't think it's anything you should feel hurt about. It's more than likely an issue she has, possibly shy or nervous or just not ready to meet them yet.

I can understand if this goes on for a long period it can make things difficult and it should be addressed if it's gotten to that stage, but really it's no reflection on you or her feelings for you. My advice would be to stop thinking poor me and talk to the girl.

shellyboo

Love Hurts wrote: »

Sorry mods, forgot this forum existed.

We've been going out close to 4 months. I know that's not too long and her meeting my family isn't too much of a big deal (that will come in time), but it's her not meeting my friends that gets to me. For a while my friends even doubted she existed!

Ooh, yeah then four months is a bit soon to be all in her face about things like this. Have a talk with her about them, but do it in a non-aggressive manner. Just very calmly tell her that it would mean a lot to you if she'd come out and meet some of your friends - if she says no, ask her why not, again non-aggressively.

As for the organising things to do, that doesn't seem like a huge deal really. In any relationship, one person is naturally more organised and plans things... she could just be a last-minute sort of person who never really plans anything.

I'd let it go and have a chat about the friends thing first - but the operative word is a chat, not an argument. The words "you never" or "you always" should not feature at any stage!

LegacyUser

I guess you're right about the whole activities thing. It just feels nice to be asked instead of doing the asking.

The biggest issue is with my friends. But don't worry, I won't be aggrivated. I know how lucky I am to even have her as my girlfriend and I don't want to do anything to ruin that.

nlm1980

I know this question is gonna suck, but is she married or with someone else. It doesnt add up..

irish_goat

With regards to organising plans it might just be that she is accustomed to you doing it. My ex rarely planned anything but that was mainly because I did it. Could be that she's a bit old fashioned/traditional and expects the man to arrange the dates.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Whatever the reasons behind this are I don't think it's anything you should feel hurt about. It's more than likely an issue she has, possibly shy or nervous or just not ready to meet them yet.

I can understand if this goes on for a long period it can make things difficult and it should be addressed if it's gotten to that stage, but really it's no reflection on you or her feelings for you. My advice would be to stop thinking poor me and talk to the girl.

You're probably right. I did bring it up with her before, but never in a proper conversation. That's what I am hoping to do soon.

Should I get her to tell me what problems she has with me? There are times that I have irked her sometimes, but I would like her to tell me so I can try and stop being like that.

LegacyUser

nlm1980 wrote: »

I know this question is gonna suck, but is she married or with someone else. It doesnt add up..

Nope, she's not married. Well, I don't think she is. Plus if she was married, would I be meeting her friends and (over the summer) her family?

I think it's somewhat due in part that I am her very first 'proper' boyfriend, so I think she's just not used to these things.

puglover

Love Hurts wrote: »

Should I get her to tell me what problems she has with me? There are times that I have irked her sometimes, but I would like her to tell me so I can try and stop being like that.

We all irk our other halves at times, I'm sure if there was anything major she would tell you but no harm in asking if she wants to tell you. Don't go trying to change yourself though

Piglet85

Is it possible that she's just a bit shy and awkward maybe? I used to be very like this, and although I'm much better now, I can still find those kinds of situations a bit difficult at times. Maybe she really wants to make a good impression and is just really nervous about it. Either way, you'll never know until you talk to her about it.

Monkey61

I personally would be very annoyed if after 4 months my girlfriend actively did not want to meet my friends or family, as opposed to just not having gotten around to it yet. Part of the fun of being in a new relationship is getting to bring your new partner out with your friends and show them all off to each other.

I know it depends on the circumstances, but how has it managed to go this long without it happening. Fair enough if you were only going on a casual date once a week, but presumably after 4 months there have been events involving your friends that you would have wanted her to go to and the fact that she is saying no is quite strange.

Different strokes and all that, but I've been with my girlfriend for 2 months and have already brought her over to Ireland to meet my family and friends from home. I met her parents after a month I think.

As for the planning thing, you need to have a discussion with her about that now. And maybe agree from now on to take turns to pick the activity you're doing. In my last relationship it always annoyed me that I was the one doing the organising. In 4 years I had one weekend away planned for me, whereas I chose every night out, arranged every activity and organised about 7 holidays and by the end I was so sick of it that it really did contribute to our break up.

In my opinion anyway those are quite large problems that can easily be addressed, but need to be done now before they start affecting your relationship more. Because if you don't sort them out, they will be the things that tear you apart a few years down the line.

You need to ask her why though. Her saying no, quite frankly seems beyond rude. Other than incredible shyness, I don't know why anyone wouldn't want to meet the people that are important to their partner. Yes meeting family might be scary depending on the circumstances, but it's always exciting to meet people's friends. If she feels the same way about you as you do about her I can't understand why she won't.

puglover

Monkey61 wrote: »

I personally would be very annoyed if after 4 months my girlfriend actively did not want to meet my friends or family, as opposed to just not having gotten around to it yet. Part of the fun of being in a new relationship is getting to bring your new partner out with your friends and show them all off to each other.

I know it depends on the circumstances, but how has it managed to go this long without it happening. Fair enough if you were only going on a casual date once a week, but presumably after 4 months there have been events involving your friends that you would have wanted her to go to and the fact that she is saying no is quite strange.

God why do people seem to think that there milestones are the same as everyone elses. 4 months is nothing, you're making this poor guy think there is something wrong where there very well may not be.

Personally I met my bf's family the day after our first date. My best friend (who is now married btw) didn't meet her oh's family until 12 months in.

Ok so there might be an issue but OP has to talk to his GF and not go making silly assumptions.

Monkey61 wrote: »

As for the planning thing, you need to have a discussion with her about that now. And maybe agree from now on to take turns to pick the activity you're doing. In my last relationship it always annoyed me that I was the one doing the organising. In 4 years I had one weekend away planned for me, whereas I chose every night out, arranged every activity and organised about 7 holidays and by the end I was so sick of it that it really did contribute to our break up.

OK so you had a problem with this, a ver simple discussion could easily have prevented it from escalating to this point.

OP just sit down & tell gf how you are feeling. I'm sure once she understands you'll see a change

LegacyUser

The previous unregistered was me.. answering someone's question about if she is married or not (we're both early 20's so I see that as unlikely, but they weren't to know, so it's a legit question).

I let her know earlier that I wanted to talk to her about some stuff, but nothing bad or major, just to give her a heads up before I launch into anything. The bigger thing is that I am worried she will think I don't appreciate our relationship. She knows I love her, I know she loves me, the other things shouldn't matter, I know. But they still just irk me kinda. Yet I guess it's down to me. I always always have this mental image that it is the done thing for couples; the whole meeting family and friends.

To be fair I think I should mention that she has met them on the street (when I am with her) and has met a group of them at the cinema. Though the cinema is a horrible place for a first meeting and so they didn't get to interact.

LegacyUser

Love after four months?

shellyboo

Love Hurts wrote: »

To be fair I think I should mention that she has met them on the street (when I am with her) and has met a group of them at the cinema. Though the cinema is a horrible place for a first meeting and so they didn't get to interact.

So she HAS met some of them, she just doesn't socialise with them as much as you'd like her to? That's a bit different. I think once you've had one big "official meeting" then I wouldn't expect a partner to make an effort to socialise with my mates. Like, if there's something I'm going to that I want my bf to come to, I expect him to make time for that... but that would be a specific thing.

puglover

Unregistered wrote: »

Love after four months?

Whats the question?

LegacyUser

Just seems a very short period of time to be 'in love'. That's all.

LegacyUser

Yes, love after 4 months. It's not impossible.

Shellyboo, that's sorta what I mean; she hasn't met them properly and been able to be social with them. I have asked her on numerous occasions if she would like to come with me to some event (that was specifically mine - if that makes sense?)

shellyboo

Love Hurts wrote: »

Yes, love after 4 months. It's not impossible.

Shellyboo, that's sorta what I mean; she hasn't met them properly and been able to be social with them. I have asked her on numerous occasions if she would like to come with me to some event (that was specifically mine - if that makes sense?)

And she said no?

You asking her if she'd like to come is also different to asking her to go. You need to stop pussyfooting around - tell her this is bugging you. In all likelihood, it's never even crossed her mind that it would bother you. Four months, you're only getting started into a relationship. What's the big rush?

aisling.laura

Unregistered wrote: »

I think it's somewhat due in part that I am her very first 'proper' boyfriend, so I think she's just not used to these things.

i think you've just pretty much answered your own question there.
she might just not realise the norm for relationships.

dreamlogic

Love Hurts wrote:

All of the above things make me feel really under-appreciated and that it's not like a proper relationship.

I know how lucky I am to even have her as my girlfriend and I don't want to do anything to ruin that.

For the relationship to be healthy, it's important that she feels just as lucky to have you as her boyfriend. It should not be all about her; there are two of you in the relationship. So expressing clearly how you feel about something should not ruin anything.
The same goes for deciding what you both do activity-wise.
So if you want to hang out with your friends, set this up to happen somehow where you are all meeting at the same event and tell her they are going to be there. If she's used to you making all the plans sofar then more than likely she's expecting you to take the initiative here also... So buy some tickets to a concert or some event that your friends will be at, or just bring her along to the pub where everyone is meeting. If she backs out and says she doesn't want to go at that point, then that is when to get worried..

Should I get her to tell me what problems she has with me? There are times that I have irked her sometimes, but I would like her to tell me so I can try and stop being like that.

It might be difficult to broach this subject if she is a passive sort of person. I think it would be better to discuss things in the moment as they happen. So next time you notice that she is irked(or soon afterwards) would probably be a better time to ask what's on her mind.