Insomnia vs relationship

ice age

Should i have stayed with him?
I met this guy 4 months ago and we hit it off really well. 2 months down the line, i realised he is suffering from Insomnia for 3 years. We talked about his past relationships and he explained to me that he usually doesnt have a relationship that lasts more than 2 months then he is stressed and get out of it.(thats not exactly a relationship if you ask me). He told me about it cos he wants to work on his problem and needs me to understand...
He is constantly stressed and taking it out on me then apologising few minutes later...
We used to have great craic, hiking, dinner, movies, night out and it was brilliant until gradually it all stopped and whats left is sex which doesnt even feel as good anymore. Should i have stayed to help him through his problem or am i right for walking away from the head wrecking situation.
Air your opinion freely

RossFixxxed

Sounds crappy to me. I've had serious sleep issues, amongst others in the past and I don't think I ever took it out on my OH (I'm open to correction honey ).

Having a go at you and then apologising doesn't make it ok. The fact he doesn't want to do anything anymore isn't good either. As far as I'm concerned no matter what is wrong with him, he still has a responsibility to you and he should still be putting effort into the relationship. It's one thing to say 'I'm not up for the cinema, i'm not well/anxious/depressed etc' it is another to take it out on you.

However, he has admitted to this and wants to work on it. IF you decide this is worth it, then the burden of proof is on him. He must show that he is working on it, he is actually TAKING ACTION to improve it, going to the doctor etc.

I must have been a nightmare in the past with things but I did take action to get some help, and my OH was a massive, massive, massive help in all this. Her support made all the difference, but she didn't goad me into going, she just helped when I did. You can be there for support but it is NOT YOUR JOB to just be a convenient crutch.

good luck.... I've probably confused things more!
R

ice age

I have stayed on this long cos he has made efforts to fix his problem. He is seeing a doc and since we met has started attending cognitive behaviour therapy.
He makes concious efforts then goes on and ruins it or constantly wrecks my head!
After one of the episodes we had, he said ' i dont think im ready to be in a relationship' !!!
Is he afraid of committment or is he just using this as an excuse?
hmmm

Wurly

ice age wrote: »

I have stayed on this long cos he has made efforts to fix his problem. He is seeing a doc and since we met has started attending cognitive behaviour therapy.
He makes concious efforts then goes on and ruins it or constantly wrecks my head!
After one of the episodes we had, he said ' i dont think im ready to be in a relationship' !!!
Is he afraid of committment or is he just using this as an excuse?
hmmm

To be honest - it's not for you to figure out.

Ask yourself - do you really need this hassle? If you're mad about him, i'd give him some space to get himself sorted for a while and then see about dating him again.

You're not with him long enough to be under any form of obligation to stick this out with him.

You need to look after yourself first. If it's getting too much, get out. You need to look after your happiness here. You can't take on his problems.

jdivision

If you've got insomnia you get cranky and occasionally you lash out verbally. It's not intentional but it happens. Try being in a relationship with both of you like that!
OP, see what the doctor says to him. In my case they now think it's my tonsils causing it via a type of sleep apnea so I'm getting them removed later this year. If you suffer from insomnia, it's a pain, but he should try to learn to take a deep breath before going off on one. I know myself I can get a bit ratty when I haven't slep for a few days, it's a bad trait but it does happen unfortunately.

ice age

@ Tri, you are dead right i have to look after myself which is why i have decided to get out of it now even if i do really like him.
@ Jdivision, this is what i mean when he lashes out at me (vis text most of the time) then cranky when he comes over.

Now he feels bad for always putting me in a spot and thinks he is better of on his own. I really dont think his withdrawal is helping matters cos his strategy of staying away and spending little time with me is what has turned out to be a 'sex only' relationship which i dont like at all and is my reason for leaving. The way i see it, if he is giving up, why am i staying?

Wurly

ice age wrote: »

@ Tri, you are dead right i have to look after myself which is why i have decided to get out of it now even if i do really like him.
@ Jdivision, this is what i mean when he lashes out at me (vis text most of the time) then cranky when he comes over.

Now he feels bad for always putting me in a spot and thinks he is better of on his own. I really dont think his withdrawal is helping matters cos his strategy of staying away and spending little time with me is what has turned out to be a 'sex only' relationship which i dont like at all and is my reason for leaving. The way i see it, if he is giving up, why am i staying?

You're dead right, girl. You know, if you're not going to look after your happiness, then who is?

You can't say you haven't tried. You really, really have. And you have stayed longer than most would have in a new relationship.

But now you're going to take charge and do the best thing for you, which is to finish it. I don't see you regretting this.

It may be good for this guy to have time alone to work through his issues too.

You've made the right decision in my opinion. Not an easy one either. So be proud of yourself.:)

kittenkiller

The only fact about the issue is that your ex is the only common link between all his previous girlfriends.

If, like with you, he stopped putting in the effort after a few months, then I can see why they called an end to things.

If he's going to put on a a big show for the first little while and then give up when he thinks he "has" you, then he deserves to be dumped.
If he's not making any effort to get over things or keep you happy then there's no point in staying with him (unless you were enjoying yourself nonetheless, but you weren't).

Run for the hills and don't feel any guilt.
His issues not yours and unless he can do something to make things better, you're better off without him.

ice age

Good man Tri. Thanks for that ;-)
im beating my chest all of a sudden and although iv been down all day cos i really wish things were different, i feel better now.

ice age

@ Kitten Killer, thanks.

Its just so much drama but i cant help but think sometmes am i leaving him when he needs me?
Should i stay with him and let him take things at his pace or how he feels most comfortable?
Then again will i do that at my expense? Even if im that into him, HELL NO!!!

Wurly

ice age wrote: »

Good man Tri. Thanks for that ;-)
im beating my chest all of a sudden and although iv been down all day cos i really wish things were different, i feel better now.

He he - I'm a gal.:). Glad you feel better.

ice age wrote: »

@ Kitten Killer, thanks.

Its just so much drama but i cant help but think sometmes am i leaving him when he needs me?
Should i stay with him and let him take things at his pace or how he feels most comfortable?
Then again will i do that at my expense? Even if im that into him, HELL NO!!!

Look - you've done all you can. You've been there etc and it hasn't really gotten any better. For your own sake, I think its best to leave it. It's not up to you to 'save him' etc. He has to take responsibility for himself and his problems. He can't rely on you for that. Ya know?

Taltos

Agreed with the hills.

Also as KittenKiller warned - be ready for him to try to turn this back to you.
Be strong - this is not your issue.

He needs to deal with his own issues first before he even should consider getting into another relationship.
if you were to stay you would risk becoming an enabler for him.

You are dead-on in protecting yourself here.
I suffer a bit (ok a fair bit) from insomnia - and I could never take it out on my oh. Only if I get a nasty headache with that do i snap a bit at just about everyone including the cats - but it would cost me my life if I mistreated her in any way...

So chin up and be strong - just remember - you deserve better!!!!

Nevyn

Sounds like he made a big effort at the start but just can't for what ever reasons keep that level of effort up.

ice age

Ahh Tri...No wonder you feel me. You go gal! Good woman hahahaha

Since i told him yesterday that im finished, he wouldnt stop texting me and wants to remain friends. (i dont know what kind of friends we will be)
Even when i say i wont reply, after a few texts, i cave in....i know...but i still have a soft spot for him! I really should stop replying his texts maybe.

Taltos

If you are serious about ending it then you need to stop replying.

Otherwise he thinks he still stands a chance to win you back...

MIN2511

Stop texting him, there are many fishes in the sea!