Can't get over my mistake

LegacyUser

Just broke up with a long term GF two weeks ago and feeling really really down. Not only have i lost the one i love due to a very stupid uncharacteristic mistake but my best mates have pushed me aside too. i have been hurting really bad since the break and drinking on my own in my apartment every night thinking about stuff over and over and how much of an idiot i am. i feel so much for this girl and she doesnt want to talk to me ever. Ive really hurt her feelings and she thought i was the one for her which in turn i thought she was the one for me. i was saving up for an engagement ring for christmas but im really messed up and cant understand why all this happened. i just want to fall into the biggest hole and be done with it.

legend365

Who dumped who?

Broke it off with my gf 3 weeks ago nd feel like **** myself. Hopin it will pass in time.

Wurly

What was the mistake that you made?

LegacyUser

my GF dumped me after 5 years. played with fire on a social networking site and emails were found. stupid mistake and regret every second of it. gutted and disgraced.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

my GF dumped me after 5 years. played with fire on a social networking site and emails were found. stupid mistake and regret every second of it. gutted and disgraced.

Fess up to it and admit it to her and to your friends that you were a bit of a plonker.Send her a note or a card apologising and even if you feel inclined telling her how much you love her and had wanted to marry her.

Then its out of your hands and its up to her whether or not to forgive you.

I would lay of the booze at home etc as if she does get in touch you dont want to disgrace yourself further.

Wurly

Unregistered wrote: »

my GF dumped me after 5 years. played with fire on a social networking site and emails were found. stupid mistake and regret every second of it. gutted and disgraced.

I have to say.. I would not forgive either in this case.

Even if you didn't physically cheat, it sounds like you did emotionally.

Why did you feel the need to do that? That's the question that needs to be asked here. If you were truly happy, would you have emailed these other girls in the fashion that you did?

I mean, if it were me - you could say sorry all you liked. But I would so think you'd do it again.

Can you explain why you did it in the first place and why you would not do it again. Is it because you were caught that you feel disgraced and regretful now? And were you hoping to initiate anything from the emails you were sending?

Sorry if i'm wide of the mark. I've very little info to go on here though.

LegacyUser

I accepted im an idiot and my actions were unforgiving. It was a mistake ive never done before with anyone although it has been done on my quite a few times in the past. There was no 'other girls' - only happened with one and once only for a period of three weeks. Not like me at all however Im shocked at my own behavior to say the least. My relationship was fine, no problems at all. A conversation over the net did however get the better of me. It was just a conversation that went out of control and nothing to do with being caught although i was. It wouldnt have gone any further but perhaps it was the attention thing that drew me into this. I dunno. Hard to explain to myself even. Ive certainly learnt my lesson but feel as though the one person that meant anything to me is gone. I understand that the trust we had is out the window and Id be willing to do almost anything just to talk to her and try and even it on the right track and accept nothing but time will help things move forward. Some are saying it 'may' happen and others not. Time is a healer so im told, but i cant go on feeling like this any longer. Im not a drinker by any means but its the only thing that can put me asleep without either not being able to sleep at night or waking up all hours of the morning feeling how bad i treated her. I can see what she is goin through in my head and want to make it all stop.

Wurly

Unregistered wrote: »

I accepted im an idiot and my actions were unforgiving. It was a mistake ive never done before with anyone although it has been done on my quite a few times in the past. There was no 'other girls' - only happened with one and once only for a period of three weeks. Not like me at all however Im shocked at my own behavior to say the least. My relationship was fine, no problems at all. A conversation over the net did however get the better of me. It was just a conversation that went out of control and nothing to do with being caught although i was. It wouldnt have gone any further but perhaps it was the attention thing that drew me into this. I dunno. Hard to explain to myself even. Ive certainly learnt my lesson but feel as though the one person that meant anything to me is gone. I understand that the trust we had is out the window and Id be willing to do almost anything just to talk to her and try and even it on the right track and accept nothing but time will help things move forward. Some are saying it 'may' happen and others not. Time is a healer so im told, but i cant go on feeling like this any longer. Im not a drinker by any means but its the only thing that can put me asleep without either not being able to sleep at night or waking up all hours of the morning feeling how bad i treated her. I can see what she is goin through in my head and want to make it all stop.

Hey there - again, sorry if I was wide of the mark. As I say, I had a small bit of info to go on.

Look - from her perspective. She finds emails between you and another girl. She is not going to believe that anything didn't happen or was going to happen had you not been caught.

If my boyfriend did that to me, I would assume that he had already cheated or that he was intending to cheat. I would walk away tbh. I don't think i'd ever be able to trust him again because i'd always feel like he may or may not be doing something behind my back. That'd be too much of a head wreck in my book.

I understand where you are coming from. But the thing is, I wouldn't have these sorts of conversations with another man while i'm with my boyfriend. Usually, you can gauge when a conversation is veering down the wrong path. It's then that you end the conversation and not continue it. I love and respect my boyfriend very much and could not live with the guilt of conversing with someone in that fashion behind his back.

Now - I am not taking the moral high ground here. But I am just saying why I wouldn't do it. I suppose, I am trying to figure out what your motivation was. If you don't know what your motivation was, then how can you say that this will never happen again? It seems to me that if you really love someone, you would have no desire to engage in something like this, even if you never got caught.

If your motivation was that you liked the attention.. well - did you not get enough attention from your girlfriend?

Look - the thing is this. If you don't know what your motivation was, how is your girlfriend going to understand if you dont understand it yourself? How can she be sure that this will never happen again? How can she trust you again? Would you trust you again?

LegacyUser

Hi,
I got caught doing similar. Took a long time for trust to be regained but it was. We are married now with a beautiful child.
Just because you made a mistake doesn't make you a bad person. The lure of the net and addiction to love is a growing problem.

Anon

CDfm

So OP you know the chances are slim.

Time to get honest and a bit of humiliation maybe coming your way whether or not it repairs the damage.

Its more like porn really what you did and more than a bit sleazy from her point of view -if that makes sense.

You need to face up to that.

LegacyUser

Is it just possible..... that you were a victim of a sting operation. How easy is it to register with this site you were using, and did your gf know your username by any chance? How sure are you that the person that you were flirting with online is unknown to you, and you have never met personally before.

What Im trying to ask is were you set up? Lets say that I know your username and create a profile of my own and start flirting with you online, you take the bait and before long we are exchanging emails of an explicit nature, just for a laugh. Now I have you where I want you, and I have the evidence in the form of emails which I can access and confront you over... Forgive me for being suspicious, but I think its all too convenient that your gf has 'stumbled' upon this damning evidence so suddenly. How can she check your email?

Secondly, the fact that you have been dumped so soon, without any chance of explaining your actions or any word of, 'ok lets forget this and we'll try again', sounds a bit like she may have wanted out anyway, and took the first real chance she got to bail.

I hope Im wrong, and I hope it works out and you get back together, Im just wondering had you considered this theory?

Wurly

CDfm wrote: »

So OP you know the chances are slim.

Time to get honest and a bit of humiliation maybe coming your way whether or not it repairs the damage.

Its more like porn really what you did and more than a bit sleazy from her point of view -if that makes sense.

You need to face up to that.

Well i'm a girl and I wouldn't class it along the sames lines as porn whatsoever.

I have no problem with porn as long as it's not completely obsessive.

I would have a problem with my OH messaging another girl in an untoward manner. I would think that either he has already cheated or that he was planning to.

This is just my perception. As the unregistered poster said above, it can work out and it certainly did for him.

But for me - it would be a deal breaker. I would not be able to trust him again.

It's different for each person. I think you need to get to the bottom of why you did it though and what makes you certain you'd never do it again!

LegacyUser

I understand what you are saying alright. Hands up completely. I accept what i did was the worst thing you could possibly do and Ive done nothing but think about it. Fact is, Ive learnt my lesson and can be sure i would never do this again. Ive never gone out with someone for 5 years, i never cheated but i now know what ive lost and what could have been. Its a long time to just throw away. like im 31 and supposed to be sensible. Then i go and do this. On the flip side of the coin you could turn around and say 'well, it was you that threw it away'. So true, but ive so much regretted what I have done to my ex and the hurt caused her, nevermind me.

There was no motivation behind it. I didnt go out looking for it nor wanted to stray away. As said the relationship was perfect. It was just a conversation that went beyond but didnt think anything would happen. It didnt. but the fact I went on with it and took it to another level killed my relationship and I fully accept responsibility for that. Im not trying to convince anyone what i did was 'just' a mistake, it was the biggest mistake ever in my life and although i didnt physically cheat I just think that perhaps we could at least talk about it. How many stories have i heard in the past about partners actually cheating in clubs etc and saying 'oh i was drunk' or whatever and getting back together...then it happens all over again. Ive never made other advances and it was a genuine mistake that i'll always pay for. I wish time would go back 5 weeks at this stage so i could have a little reminder of how important my relationship was but i cant. Im a complete wreck. Friends dont want to contact me, which is right in a lot of ways since i dont deserve any after what i did, but most importantly i can imagine what my ex is going through and i just want to be there to help both of us come to some conclusion about what the situation.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi,
I got caught doing similar. Took a long time for trust to be regained but it was. We are married now with a beautiful child.
Just because you made a mistake doesn't make you a bad person. The lure of the net and addiction to love is a growing problem.

Anon

I envy you mate. Look after your wife and child. Perhaps it took something like this for you to come closer, i dunno. Im trying to put my finger on 'why' it happened. So what, I dont know why it happened but i do know what damage it has caused to her life. More so, I know what to avoid but its not as if Ive cheated in the past on any past relationship Ive had. This one was special though.

I wasnt on any porn site so ya'll know. It was facebook. Started using it over a year ago to keep in contact with a mate i used to work with before he moved to australia. Then i got invitations from friends etc that were registered but i didnt know about. I just added whoever not thinking anything of it. Then three weeks ago I was in contact with a girl. Didnt know her from adam, but the conversation was normal which eventually went up a notch. Initially i thought it didnt matter since i was only typing and looking into a screen but obviously not.

Wurly

Right. Well would it be worth writing her a letter? You'd get to say everything you wanted to say.

If it doesn't work out for you, well at least you know that you tried. You have to respect any decision she comes to after all. It beats sitting at home feeling miserable. If you take action in an attempt to rectify the situation, then it can't but make you feel even a little better.

I have to say - if it were me though. I still wouldn't forgive you. I see that you're genuinely remorseful and all that. But the 'not knowing why' thing would make me nervous. Would there be a chance you'd do it again and 'not know why?'. I dunno OP. I'm not for one second saying you're a bad person or any of that shyte. I'm not judging you. I'm just saying how i'd react. Maybe every girl would agree with me. Maybe none would. Who knows? The thing is, things always look worse in print. You can't take them away. The words are right there. She'll prob not believe you don't know this girl. You did this behind her back so why should she believe anything else you say kinda thing?

I think the letter is the way to go... Let us know how you get on.

LegacyUser

cheers Trí, from a womans point of view i can understand why i wouldnt be given a chance but everyone makes mistakes...well.....from what ive been told anyways. it was a genuine mistake and i dont think it was a sting operation or anything like that. my girlfriend new my password alright but i never had anything to hide so i wasnt bothered. i got caught up in something i shouldnt have and thats what i have to deal with.

maybe i will right a letter. in a way it will help me get my feelings out of my head if anything and try explain them to her about what happened. i'll let ya know in time, but i dont know how long that will be.

Wurly

Unregistered wrote: »

cheers Trí, from a womans point of view i can understand why i wouldnt be given a chance but everyone makes mistakes...well.....from what ive been told anyways. it was a genuine mistake and i dont think it was a sting operation or anything like that. my girlfriend new my password alright but i never had anything to hide so i wasnt bothered. i got caught up in something i shouldnt have and thats what i have to deal with.

maybe i will right a letter. in a way it will help me get my feelings out of my head if anything and try explain them to her about what happened. i'll let ya know in time, but i dont know how long that will be.

Well the best of luck with it. I do think the letter is best. It gives you the chance to be heard without interruption. It allows you to get everything out of your head and onto paper. And it is also you taking action to try and solve this. There is nothing worse than feeling helpless. It will also make you look pro-active and willing to fight for your relationship. I'm sure your girlfriend will appreciate that at the very least.

At worst, you will have learned a very valuable and painful lesson. You tried to get it back on track. You didn't just do nothing.

Good luck again and hope it works out.

LegacyUser

well she is still very angry at me and has already shut down our joint bank account etc. perhaps a letter will driver her away more or too early to send, i dunno, but i need to do something.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

well she is still very angry at me and has already shut down our joint bank account etc. perhaps a letter will driver her away more or too early to send, i dunno, but i need to do something.

Well you do have mutual friends and have you discussed it and what do they think you should do.

How was the money from the account divided up so is she using that as punishment.

I think you should at the very least send a note of aplology something short maybe asking her to meet up or as an alternative a bunch of flowers with a missing you message.

There is very little else you can do if she is shutting the door -wallowing in self pity shouldnt be what you do.

Wurly

Unregistered wrote: »

well she is still very angry at me and has already shut down our joint bank account etc. perhaps a letter will driver her away more or too early to send, i dunno, but i need to do something.

It's better than doing nothing, isn't it?

A letter isn't 'in your face'. She can take time out to read it when she feels ready.

Barracudaincork

Unregistered wrote: »

well she is still very angry at me and has already shut down our joint bank account etc. perhaps a letter will driver her away more or too early to send, i dunno, but i need to do something.

Send the letter, you have nothing to lose, as it stands you arent with her (worst case scenario) sending the letter may result in you getting back together ( best case scenario) or not getting back together (worst case scenario), but no different than the first worst case scenario. You really have nothing to lose cause basically you already have lost it, harsh but true im afraid.

IMO I wouldnt believe her when she said she closed down the joint account, one of the purposes of a joint account is you both are equals on the account, therefore she cant open or close it without your consent, unless she forged your signature. So i think she only said that to hurt you and get a reaction, as she is angry etc

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

The lure of the net and addiction to love is a growing problem.

Addiction to love? Wasn't that the girl who walked out on him? The girl he wanted to marry? Obviously you have a skewed understanding of love which got you into your mess in the first place.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I envy you mate. Look after your wife and child. Perhaps it took something like this for you to come closer, i dunno. Im trying to put my finger on 'why' it happened. So what, I dont know why it happened but i do know what damage it has caused to her life. More so, I know what to avoid but its not as if Ive cheated in the past on any past relationship Ive had. This one was special though.

I wasnt on any porn site so ya'll know. It was facebook. Started using it over a year ago to keep in contact with a mate i used to work with before he moved to australia. Then i got invitations from friends etc that were registered but i didnt know about. I just added whoever not thinking anything of it. Then three weeks ago I was in contact with a girl. Didnt know her from adam, but the conversation was normal which eventually went up a notch. Initially i thought it didnt matter since i was only typing and looking into a screen but obviously not.

Mine was on facebook too. Compare hotness it began with. It happens man. Lots of people get mixed up in it. Sure in america when they set up friends reunited and other school reunion type stuff ,it has caused alot of divorces.
As to why it happened, can be lots of reasons. Pressure in your life from her to commit, work life, need of adoration from women. Lots of reasons. Only you can find out. But don't beat yourself up too much about it.

Prinz, I am talking about being addicted to the initial feelings you have with someone new. Not love more lust and excitement. Addicted to love is just a turn of phrase. Sorry for hitting your exposed nerve.

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

Prinz, I am talking about being addicted to the initial feelings you have with someone new. Not love more lust and excitement. Addicted to love is just a turn of phrase. Sorry for hitting your exposed nerve.

Well it was a pretty big error. You love your partner but that didn't stop you messing on the net for 'excitement'.

I am not the one smarting over an ended relationship, which I caused the end of myself, so no, I don't have exposed nerves ta, just a refined grasp of the English language.

CDfm

Maybe Im picking this up the wrong way.

But you went on line with a stranger for thrills/sexual excitement/explicit chat etc that your partner read and wasnt keen on & went ballistic. Its like a lecherous grope at a christmas party caught on camera that a wife picks up wrong " thats only Sally from accounts and all the lads laughed" doesnt cut it.

You dont exactly say why she was disgusted etc ? Was the disrespect, mistrust or was it the content?

Maybe Im wrong -but you have a way to go to see it her way and cant explain what she saw that has made her behave this way.

LegacyUser

prinz wrote: »

Well it was a pretty big error. You love your partner but that didn't stop you messing on the net for 'excitement'.

I am not the one smarting over an ended relationship, which I caused the end of myself, so no, I don't have exposed nerves ta, just a refined grasp of the English language.

Easy Tiger!Plenty of women love their partners but don't mind getting attention in clubs/pubs. He screwed up a little, not the end of the world. OP, your an idiot not a bad person. I did the same dumb thing but was forgiven.

LegacyUser

prinz wrote: »

Well it was a pretty big error. You love your partner but that didn't stop you messing on the net for 'excitement'.

I am not the one smarting over an ended relationship, which I caused the end of myself, so no, I don't have exposed nerves ta, just a refined grasp of the English language.

Very helpful Prinz. I'm sure the OP needs to hear your self satisifed, holier than thou pronouncements. If you don't understand his issue then stop commenting on it. I can provide him with perspective as I have been through the experience and am out the other end.

Kudos on your exquisite grasp of the english language. It is such a pity your empathy development appears to be so clearly stunted.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

Maybe Im picking this up the wrong way.

But you went on line with a stranger for thrills/sexual excitement/explicit chat etc that your partner read and wasnt keen on & went ballistic. Its like a lecherous grope at a christmas party caught on camera that a wife picks up wrong " thats only Sally from accounts and all the lads laughed" doesnt cut it.

You dont exactly say why she was disgusted etc ? Was the disrespect, mistrust or was it the content?

Maybe Im wrong -but you have a way to go to see it her way and cant explain what she saw that has made her behave this way.

Correct I did go online and have an explicit conversation. But it didnt start off this way. Sure it was another girl and yes i did carry the conversation as much as she did however, I didnt go out looking for it nor intended anything to happen. I dont know what possessed my girlfriend to log on to my account but she claims i was acting 'distant' for some reason. Something Ive been looking back on and thinking had my behavior changed in any way. I dont think so, but I did feel guilty for what was goin on and perhaps she picked up on this.

She was obviously disgusted that her boyfriend of 5 years could go out and do this to her after all this time. It was disrespectful to say the least and couldnt have been more hurtful. The content just confirmed what was going on. I would have likened to terminate the conversation with the other girl and delete the messages, why i didnt do that, well, that was just stupid of me. But my ex was fantastic in every way and i tore her heart out by her having to read the messages that were sent back and forth. Its a nightmare come true for me...and her.

The last 3 weeks have been the worst ever. Ive never gone out with someone 5 years and I really did think this was it for us. Both, the same interests in music, movies etc and were thinkin about goin away together. None of that matters without her and my life is more or less back to nothing and finding it hard to take everything in. I have been doin nothing but trying to see things her way like what it would be like to have this done on me etc. Although it has been done in the past, I did and would give the opportunity to talk at some stage. Even if it means to close the book on this chapter but Im not getting the chance to speak nor given the chance to apologize properly. If it means I have to walk away with nothing fair enough, Ive created a major problem and I deserve what i get but I just need to talk to her. Letter? Perhaps, but I would prefer to sort this out face to face.

The bank account thing is real. I got the letter from the bank in the post. whether she forged my signature or not, who cares. And to her credit she did lodge my share into my account unnoticed by me until I got the lodgment slip in the post. None of that matters anyway.

CDfm

Well OP she is pissed off but not gratuitous which you can see from the money split.

I am not saying a letter will work or that you shouldnt ask a friend to mediate but maybe you should try all avenues open to you.

Your post there actually does go a long way on explaining things.

Puddleduck

Ok, Im gunna be a little harsh here but I think it needs to be said.
Youve mentioned that its happened to you before but you still gave the other person a chance etc. That was you. She owes you nothing here. You were caught in the act and you knew what you did was wrong, hense you feeling guilty. You mention that you want to talk to her face to face and explain things. Explain what? You dont know why you did it. Running to her telling her you dont know why it happened but itll never happen again smacks of empty promises. It also gives her nothing to trust you on.

If you really wanted to fix things you'd work out why you were seeking the thrill of something new when you were apparently so happy with what you had at home. Then approach her.

BobTheBeat

I suppose the most important thing for you to do right now, is maintain your distance. As you have seen, she certainly hasnt wasted any time with folding up the other arrangements in your relationship, so I dont think she would give much thought to brushing off any attempt you might make at a resolution.

It seems that you've spent much of the time since the breakup lamenting the life and relationship you had together. Thats perfectly accepatable. But as Puddleduck said, you will need to examine in great detail what it was that pushed you to this in the first place. That alone will give you something to go back to your Ex with. A letter, in which you pour your heart out to her may not neccessarily get you the most favourable of hearings. In fact, as I stated previously, it will probably do quite the opposite. And whatever you do at this stage, dont make yourself out to be in a pathetic state. Try to stay strong and garner a sense of resolve. Like you said, its a chapter in your life that you want to gain some form of closure on. When you are at this point, then make contact.

Chin up as they say.

CDfm

I agree but should the OP not apologise.

It may not have been the only issue just the one seized upon.

BobTheBeat

Of course, an apology should certainly be part of the resolution... But a well thought out one more importantly.

CDfm

OP -whats holding you back making an approach.

What are you unsure about- I mean she already has broken up with you?

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

OP -whats holding you back making an approach.

What are you unsure about- I mean she already has broken up with you?

Yeah, she has already broken up with me. This is as real as it gets. Im confused now - write a letter or not? If i do, there is always the risk its too soon, if not, well it may seem like ive just brushed this aside which i certainly havent done and moved on.

An apology is just the beginning which is the least that should be put on the table. Look I got into a conversation with a girl with no intentions of going forward with this. Sure it went out of control and became an explicit conversation I admit that. So who hasnt flirted a little? Im not looking for an excuse to take me out of this but thats all it was. Ive been in this relationship for 5 years and NEVER looked at another girl. I wasnt looking for anything and I didnt need another alternative to what i had. Everything was happy in my relationship. When your on front of a computer and someone wants to just chit chat on a social networking site then its a whole new experience which never happened to me before. I got caught in the moment and didnt think about the consequences of my actions. There is no empty promises here. Ive learnt a valuable lesson if not the most valuable in my life so far and Ive screwed up. I dont see how if im feeling this bad such as i never have felt before. A repeat of this is in the future is not likely to happen believe me.

CDfm

But your ex seems to think so. How explicit was up a notch and how far did you go.

You either feel guilty or you don't - I sympathise BTW but I dont know if you have empathy for her position.I just wonder if her "distant" comment maybe that you flirt etc. So maybe there was more.

Im saying this as she seems level headed and maybe even reserved. So as a guy I can get it at a porno mag level she may not see it that way as other posters have pointed out.

starchild

hi op, horrible position to be in for both of you, the real issue for her is going to be trust, i would guess that what has made her walk away is not so much the content of the messages but the fact that she really does not know if you would have acted upon them

And i think if your honest with yourself im guessing if you had never been caught there would be a chance that you might have gone further.

i know it seems like a waste of 5 years but you still have long lives ahead, there is every chance she will calm down and take you back, i think you stand a chance for the simple reason that physically nothing happened.

my advice would be perhaps call her or write, if you can make contact just let her know you want her back and are prepared to wait until she is ready to speak with you. Dont be a pest , if she doesnt answer leave her alone for a while.

dont get angry and if she does let her shout and rant, she deserves to. Most importantly if she maintains the break up is permanent , respect that and think well of her.

If you can get to speak to any of her friends they may give you an idea if this is worth pursuing.

I feel really sorry for you both best of luck

LegacyUser

Hi all, thanks for all the advice. A few things have happened since i last posted a message here. Ive been finding all this really hard to deal with. My 'so-called' friends organised a little get together with her behind my back to talk about me and the situation. On saturday night i couldnt sleep a wink wondering what was going on and what was being said. I was so depressed on Sunday and many thoughts were going through my head. Ive never felt as bad in my entire life and wouldnt wish the last 3 weeks of my life on my worst enemy. I dont think ive ever been as low.

On Sunday i text her and asked her to talk. I begged for 2 minutes of her time. Even to get closure and get what i needed to say out in the open without outsiders dropping their two cents and all these stories circulating. We met and talked for about 3 hours. I poured my heart out to her, something ive never done before and told her how i felt but she had her mind already made up. I would have married this girl I felt that strongly about her. She was my life and she meant the world to me. Yeah i know Ive made a mistake but I was really hoping. I needed her more than ever.

She told me that my 'friend' had indicated at this meeting that I had being seeing my ex while i began seeing her which was completely untrue. There was at least 3 months difference and I was gutted. Whatever i said to try and get my thoughts across, they were kicked down. She felt that our relationship had been false since the start. I was in shaking in shock. Why would a close friend say such a thing? especially when it was complete lies. Other lies were told to her and this put the nail in the coffin for us both. See told me of how she imagined this and that ie children, getting married etc, and then ended each of these thoughts with quotes of 'now its over and there is no going back' or 'but now its finished'. This killed me as i was imagining these things too as she was saying them. I am completely heartbroken.

I was dropped home later that night by herself and we chatted in the car as though nothing had happened. It was really nice to have my mindset changed for a single moment, like we were together again laughing and joking. when we got to my place my heart dropped as i knew this was it for the last time. i asked her if we could keep in contact, she said no. there was no hope and she couldnt get over what happened like other couples sometimes could. i asked her if she loved me and was told 'not in the way that you want me to love you'. im shattered. ive ruined everything and keep thinking of what ive lost and what could have been.

i text her last night to say thanks for letting me talk to her. she replied and said it was good to talk etc and that was that. i feel like 1% better than ive had the last few weeks but im still very much very very down about the whole thing. i work on my own and live on my own so im constantly thinking about everything. Ive had a bust up with my mates about their untrue lies and i was told 'oh we thought you were'. I was like, what did you think you were doing!!! Surely you would have asked her to talk to me or get it through to her that i had a moment of weakness and it wasnt in my nature etc..........something to make things easier. But they made it harder and i think she has convinced herself that im bad blood which lets face it, ive got nothing to lose here, it was seriously just a flirt on the net. end of.

So, ive lost my girlfriend, ive lost my mates and ive got nobody. at 31 years of age, there isnt really anything to look forward to now is there after all this. my whole world has been turned upside down. i cant even go out to try and keep my mind busy because ive got nobody. i want her so much its really hurting. im getting upset just thinking about her. i havent been drinking and dont think i could go back to that. I felt so bloody bad i was getting drunk, falling asleep on the couch and waking up crying. im pretty much fcukd up to be honest and nobody to turn to.

starchild

your in a shocking place right now, ive been there as have lots of people who post here , its a rough ride but you can and will get through it

its good you got to speak to her as its given you closure, i am trying to work out why your mates did what they did and the only thing i can think off is that you all became so close that they considered her as much of a friend as you and were angry at you for hurting her. Why they lied i have no idea but i think if that is 100% the case move on from them. If not pick the one you get on best with and talk to them.

what you can do

- definitely stick to your plan of keeping away from the drink , it really will make things worse as any depression your suffering will be worse the next day
- try and occupy yourself, i found exercise to be the best way of doing this
- try and create an orderly day which isnt leaving you with to much time on your hands to be thinking, consider doing some volunteer work or something if need be
- when you are ready start to get yourself out again be it through a new group or society or a day trip/hol somewhere

its definitely best you dont have contact with her as it will only need to you taking forever to get over it. Treat it as being done and that will aid you in moving on, if you have any family now would be a good time to maybe visit them

i know your probably killling yourself over making a mistake, i would advise you to try let any guilt go and not dwell on it. Mistakes are made in every relationship sometimes they are forgiven, sometimes not. I think when a partner cannot look past a mistake it is likely that they are definitely not the person for you anyway

best of luck

LegacyUser

im in a shockin place alright. an experience i wouldnt want to happen again....well....im by no means out of the woods yet but the past weeks have been a nightmare and im still waiting to wake up from it and everything will be alright. its hardest going to bed at night 'cause i dream of her and sometimes wake in the middle of the night. everything reminds me of her. everything.

im already seeing family but its no way near what i had before. all friends etc are married / settled down so come the weekend, im lost as i have been with time to spare lately and thoughts running wild. its just not the same and i figure its gonna take a long long time to adjust to the life ahead of me. im not really into sports or anything like that but i do go for a jog in my own. i guess its good to help clear your head but any activities i do are on my own. a lot changes in 5 years. if i was in my early 20's i guess it would be easier to go out and try forget about things with friends but the friends are not there anymore and that makes it harder. working on my own in the office doesnt help either so every moment is a struggle.

im not going to text her or anything but would like to think i could in a couple of months time to ask how she is doing. she was my best friend as well as my girlfriend and i guess it would be impossible to forget about her and just stop caring. everyone says give her time, but i dunno, its a rough road and ive no answers to this. its a pity i couldnt just switch off or change the record and forget but i wouldnt be human would i?

ive been reading these forums now for the last few days, all the problems people have and the extent of the crimes partners commit in a relationship. A lot of threads about ex's getting back and stuff and im thinking 'maybe' someday. i guess its best not to think like that but you know.......its hard not to.

Wurly

Try and think worst case scenario, OP. if you get your hopes up and it doesn't happen, then it will make things worse.

Keep doing what you're doing, i.e., getting on with your life. If things are meant to work out, they will. And it will be a nice surprise.

But beware of false hope. It can only make you feel worse.

Best of luck for the future, regardless of what the outcome is.

Taltos

Op don't let those other threads blind you or give you false hope.

If your ex is anything like me then there is no going back.
I am not trying to be brutal or harsh - but when a deal breaker is reached for me that really is it. - Purely self-preservation.

You can indeed reach out to her in a few months - but again be prepared - she may want nothing to do with you at all and might instead ask you to stop hassling her. But you never know....

Continue to work through it - the advice on sports/activities was all sound - they helped me before. Be prepared though for the anger - that might follow shortly - that is where the exercise comes in great - otherwise without a safe outlet you blow at the smallest thing.

Barracudaincork

OP the wonderful thing about being human is our survival instinct and our ability to carry on, I can guarantee you that you have felt just as crap before, as you do today. You have just forgotten how crap you felt back then. The mind and heart heals making pain etc ease with time, this is why things that completely broke our hearts dont hurt us as much as they used to.

This applies to all aspects of life, not just love but death, loss of job etc

You will move on and you will feel better, why? Well because you have to, you dont have a choice but to pick yourself up and rebuilt your life again. How good that life you rebuilt is up to you. You are only 31, the world is still your oyster, there are still plenty of friends for you to meet, things for you to do and eventually when your ready women to date, they all just seem not possible now because your outlook is a negative one.

Look you f*cked up but you cant change it, no matter how much you want to and you cant make someone change how they feel about you, they can only do that themselves.

If you find yourself thinking about her all the time, try this technique. Set aside a certain time or small periods of time to think of her every day and use those times to grieve and think and feel etc Anytime you find yourself thinking of her outside these times, remind yourself of the fact you have set time aside for this and you will deal with it then. Slowly but surely you will find your days and nights become easier and the thinking time you set aside becomes less and less. Its not going to happen overnight, but it will happen because as i said the great thing about being human is our survival instinct.