Don't know what to do

LegacyUser

I just discovered my husband is chatting to girls online, he left a website open
on our laptop, it was on his profile page, it had his picture up on it and the different
things he would like to do with said girls.

I am so hurt, I don't know what to do, I thought we had a good sex life. I know men
look at porn and I have not problem with that, but now I'm wondering what he gets up
to with these girls when I am not there, he recently bought a webcam, there are so many things running through my head.

I wish I had never seen it, I really do.

AARRRGH

Do you have children?

LegacyUser

O/P here, no we have no children, we've been married two years.

LegacyUser

confront him with the issue and go for counselling with him! It's a form of cheating but in his eyes he'll probably see it as harmless entertainment. It's not harmless and shows little regard for you. There are other things you can do to find out more of what he's doing if you're using a shared computer but I doubt I'm allowed post details here as it may be against boards rules. It's obvious he's seeking sexual kicks but from the safety of his home.


ps.This was posted by a male.

AARRRGH

He is cheating, or at least is trying to cheat. I'm all on for forgiveness, but cheating after two years of marriage? Unacceptable.

The problem with confronting him is he's going to say it was just a bit of stupid fun, and he's so sorry, he's such an idiot, and because you want to believe him you will. And then down the road at some stage, maybe one week, or one month, or one year, he is going to start the same bull**** once again, so my advice to you is to leave him.

Don't let yourself be fooled into thinking what he is doing is innocent - it's not - it will eventually lead to him having sex with another woman.

LegacyUser

I found my (very) long term boyfriend doing something similar on some chat thing a while ago. I knew it had only been going on for a week or so, as he had only started to be kind of secretive about his computer usage in the previous week or 2. I found the computer open, and a previous conversation on the screen, and I wanted to get sick. I know exactly how you feel OP. To me, it was outright cheating.
I confronted him with it - it was difficult, but I could never have just let it lie. I basically told him that's the kind of thing that finishes relationships, and I never wanted him to look at any of those chat things again. Ever. I'm not demanding in any way in any other aspect of our relationship, but no way in hell was I going to let him off on that.
It's not stupid fun.It's not innocent, it's not anything but cheating. He's sharing a part of himself with other women that should only be for you. Lay it out for him and don't tolerate it. It's just not good enough, and you are not being too demanding or bossy by telling him you don't want him doing this.
I let that lie with him and it's been fine since, but I made myself clear in no uncertain terms.You need to do the same.

Wurly

AARRRGH wrote: »

He is cheating, or at least is trying to cheat. I'm all on for forgiveness, but cheating after two years of marriage? Unacceptable.

The problem with confronting him is he's going to say it was just a bit of stupid fun, and he's so sorry, he's such an idiot, and because you want to believe him you will. And then down the road at some stage, maybe one week, or one month, or one year, he is going to start the same bull**** once again, so my advice to you is to leave him.

Don't let yourself be fooled into thinking what he is doing is innocent - it's not - it will eventually lead to him having sex with another woman.

+1. Get out before he has the chance to hurt you further. You DO NOT deserve this disgusting treatment.

You have no children. Run, run and run some more. Be thankful that you don't have any or else this would be more heartbreaking and more messy.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. It's awful. But don't be sorry you saw the profile. Be relieved and glad. You are not longer oblivious to the fact that you are in a sham of a marraige.

You can now liberate yourself from this and move on. It will be hard. But it will be harder to stay and put up with this.

Seriously - be glad you know. You won't be made a fool of now and can get out and find some real happiness for yourself.

here.from.day.1

AARRRGH wrote: »

He is cheating, or at least is trying to cheat. I'm all on for forgiveness, but cheating after two years of marriage? Unacceptable.

The problem with confronting him is he's going to say it was just a bit of stupid fun, and he's so sorry, he's such an idiot, and because you want to believe him you will. And then down the road at some stage, maybe one week, or one month, or one year, he is going to start the same bull**** once again, so my advice to you is to leave him.

Don't let yourself be fooled into thinking what he is doing is innocent - it's not - it will eventually lead to him having sex with another woman.

Thats fairly pessimistic opinion. Break up a marriage? Over That? It wasnt the brightest thing to do but theres a good chance the guy is a bit of an idiot and was thinking along the lines of if its on the screen its not really cheating. Im not condoning it but it does seem like an overly extremist solution to go for the Riki Lake "Dump that sucka" approach straight away. :rolleyes:

Wurly

here.from.day.1 wrote: »

Thats fairly pessimistic opinion. Break up a marriage? Over That? It wasnt the brightest thing to do but theres a good chance the guy is a bit of an idiot and was thinking along the lines of if its on the screen its not really cheating. Im not condoning it but it does seem like an overly extremist solution to go for the Riki Lake "Dump that sucka" approach straight away. :rolleyes:

Are you for real? Lets leave the cheating aspect aside for a minute.

Do you think this man has ANY respect for his wife? He goes to the trouble of setting up a detailed profile of himself and then engages in conversations with other women. All the while the little voice saying 'I really should not be doing this, I am married' is completely ignored.

Is that respect to you?

Back to the cheating aspect now. He may have kept it in his pants until now. But in my book, he is emotionally cheating. And I would bet that he has the intention of physically cheating also.

The man obviously has an iota that what he's doing is wrong, for god's sake.:rolleyes:

If it was so innocent, why not tell the wife and have a good o'l laugh about it?

And lastly - SHE is not the one breaking up the marraige here. HE is! Ever since the day he set up that profile!

here.from.day.1

Trí wrote: »

Are you for real? Lets leave the cheating aspect aside for a minute.

Do you think this man has ANY respect for his wife? He goes to the trouble of setting up a detailed profile of himself and then engages in conversations with other women. All the while the little voice saying 'I really should not be doing this, I am married' is completely ignored.

Is that respect to you?

Back to the cheating aspect now. He may have kept it in his pants until now. But in my book, he is emotionally cheating. And I would bet that he has the intention of physically cheating also.

The man obviously has an iota that what he's doing is wrong, for god's sake.:rolleyes:

If it was so innocent, why not tell the wife and have a good o'l laugh about it?

And lastly - SHE is not the one breaking up the marraige here. HE is! Ever since the day he set up that profile!

Men can be stupid and thoughtless, trust me I am one. Im just saying that he might see this as harmless fun and have absolutly no intention of going any further. People just seem to throw marriages away over nothing these days. But maybe your right, the wife should tell him and his facebook to get out of her life.

Wurly

here.from.day.1 wrote: »

Men can be stupid and thoughtless, trust me I am one. Im just saying that he might see this as harmless fun and have absolutly no intention of going any further. People just seem to throw marriages away over nothing these days. But maybe your right, the wife should tell him and his facebook to get out of her life.

You know what - to a degree, I agree with you. A lot of men seem to think that this is acceptable. And sure, it's only the internet - kinda thing. It scares the bejeesus out of me tbh. Surely though, somewhere, there is a thought that what they are doing is wrong?? Surely.:eek:

A friend of mine caught her boyfriend doing this and chose to forgive him and believe he'd never cheated, nor had intended to. They now have a kid together... I don't know if he has done anything like that since but he still treats her like absolute crap. Why? Same reason why he emailed other girls - he doesn't respect her!!

My sister is with a fabulous man who cherishes her to bits. I would bet my life and everything in it that he would never do this sort of thing on my sister. I categorically know he wouldn't. Why? Because he respects my sister!!

Maybe the two above examples are nothing short of coincidence... But I really think it all comes down to respect. What business do you have chatting about flirty and or sexual stuff to strangers on the net when you are attached?

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

I'm not proposing that the OP jumps straight to divorce. At all. What I said was "that kind of thing finishes relationships". My meaning was more that that's how serious I saw it as being, and obviously, given the OPs reaction, she sees it as being pretty serious aswell. Obviously it's something that needs to be talked through, divorce would be a final and extreme solution.

I know some people don't see it as being that serious. Others do though, and the OP is obviously finding it pretty hard to take.As donegalfella said, the lines are blurred due to the advent of the internet etc. I personally saw it as being cheating - if the internet didn't exist, well I suppose they'd just go somewhere else and cheat outright. But that was my view.

What I'm saying to the OP is it's not something you ignore, and you should talk to your OH about it.And make it very clear where you stand on the whole issue.That's all.

nlm1980

I think u need to confront him and ask him why he is doing this? Ask him if he wants to leave. If he says he wnts to be with you then ask him to go for counselling together with a full heart. It may just be a bit of fun or excitement but it is a form of cheating that must have hurt you so much. I really hope it is a case of him not realising how hurtful this is and that he crumbles with shame. Who knows this whole thing might bring ye closer by drawing out unspoken underlying issues.
BEST OF LUCK, I HOPE YE GET BETTER SOON

antiskeptic

donegalfella wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

+1 donegalfellas level-headed approach.

There is a definite level of and-he-knows-it-himself betrayal going on but not yet at a level that should cause you to push the nuclear button. Whilst issuance of divorce proceedings or packing your bags and heading off to your mothers would be a bit too much, neither should you settle for the assurance that "it'll never happen again".

It happened, it needs explaination and...most vitally...it needs his understanding of what he did and why he did it. Failure to undergo the necessary self-examination is a failure to acknowledge the problem he has (whether with or without you)

Don't be too panicky though, blokes can compartimentalise and it may just be that he's got one compartiment a bit out of shape. But don't let it slide neither.


A blokes perspective...

bronte

It's unacceptable in my opinion, but it's up to you op whether you want to give him a second chance or not.

I'd want an explanation and then decide if the relationship has a future.

BraziliaNZ

ok he's probably doing this to get some kicks on the side, and beating off etc, this is normal, he's a man and probably thinks of sex all the time. If he's not meeting women on the side i'd just ask him to stop what he's doing if it upsets you that much, but he'll likely just do it more discreetly in future, it's basically like asking him to stop watching porn, he's just interacting more doing it this way.

LegacyUser

Guys opinion here.

I used to be like this in a previous relationship. It wasn't going well and we were both living far from each other. I would go on to dating websites and talk to girls on there. Talk about dirty things (sometimes even exchange numbers) but it never went any further. To me, because nothing was being done physically, it didn't feel like cheating whatsoever. I knew it was bad, but it was my way of making myself feel better about it. Maybe he's the same; not 'cheating' but just .. 'having fun'.

That relationship is finished now and I am in a new one and really happy. I got addicted to those sites both during my previous relationship and while I was single, so I knew will-power wasn't enough. I've gone through my phone and deleted all the numbers of the girls I was txting, emailed those dating sites and asked to be banned until I say otherwise.

I'm not trying to say what he was doing is right. But you need to talk to him about it. Make him get himself banned from those sites (theres usually email addresses attached that can be used to contact the owners) and ensure you're there when it happens.

BobTheBeat

Im actually shocked at the amount of replies advising you to 'Run Run Run', as one poster put it. FFS, doesnt anybody talk about anything any more?

First things first, what he did was disrepectful. He let himself down and most importantly he let you down. The trust you placed in him has now been damaged or lost. He has put both your relationship and his integrity as man at risk, at the same time.

But for the most part,I would bet that it has been done completely unconsciously.
He didnt think about how upset you would be when he setup the profile. Nor did he consider how you would be calling the marriage into question as a result.

You should try to deal with this now. Start by explaining what you saw and how it has put you and the marriage in this position. As tough as it might be, you must also try to not be too emotive. Most guys will see crying and anger as stonewalling emotions, that cannot be dealt with.

Ultimately, it is your decision how you handle this. You can take off in a flurry of threats and emotions, or you can keep your wits about you, and make him realise just how serious you are. But I would implore you not to run away without first dealing with it rationally. You owe it to yourself, and the years you have already put into the partnership.

Wurly

bobmeaney wrote: »

Im actually shocked at the amount of replies advising you to 'Run Run Run', as one poster put it. FFS, doesnt anybody talk about anything any more?

First things first, what he did was disrepectful. He let himself down and most importantly he let you down. The trust you placed in him has now been damaged or lost. He has put both your relationship and his integrity as man at risk, at the same time.

But for the most part,I would bet that it has been done completely unconsciously.
He didnt think about how upset you would be when he setup the profile. Nor did he consider how you would be calling the marriage into question as a result.

You should try to deal with this now. Start by explaining what you saw and how it has put you and the marriage in this position. As tough as it might be, you must also try to not be too emotive. Most guys will see crying and anger as stonewalling emotions, that cannot be dealt with.

Ultimately, it is your decision how you handle this. You can take off in a flurry of threats and emotions, or you can keep your wits about you, and make him realise just how serious you are. But I would implore you not to run away without first dealing with it rationally. You owe it to yourself, and the years you have already put into the partnership.

Yep - I am the poster that told her to run. I stand by that.

You do not respect your partner if you are having explicit conversations with other women. Period.

Why should she work to save the marraige when clearly he doesn't give a crap? I would say that when you start putting profiles of yourself on dating sites, you don't give a crap tbh.

I cant believe nor am willing to accept that any man does not know this is wrong deep down.

Like I said - if it was so right - why not show the mails to his wife?

I stand by my comment. I think she should go!

I have to agree and I also find it alarming the amount of people telling the OP to run for the hills. What ever happened to just sitting down and talking about things and actually trying to resolve problems rather than just finishing it?

Wurly

Deleted User wrote: »

I have to agree and I also find it alarming the amount of people telling the OP to run for the hills. What ever happened to just sitting down and talking about things and actually trying to resolve problems rather than just finishing it?

I see what you're saying. But how are you supposed to trust after that??

Fine - its not physically cheating. But it is emotional cheating. I wouldn't do that attached as I know it's wrong. Surely the husband knew it was wrong but big fat did it anyway?

So she talks to him.. What can he say to make it better?

He did this behind her back. He sook out other women, took the time to set a profile up of himself. He is married. He took vows to be true to his wife. This is not being true. Like - how is this acceptable?

What he did was out and out wrong. Im just saying - if it were me, I would class that as cheating. I'd be gone. So my advice to the OP is the same. I think she should go.

I do think he'd cheat down the line. However this is my opinion and nothing else. Which is what im basing my advice on.

LegacyUser

OP I went through the exact same 2 years ago. I was with my bf for a year at the time and happened to come across a page open on the pc when I went to check my emails at his place. I was physically sick when I read it. At the time we were doing long distance and he more or less said it was boredom and helped him get a few kicks. I was crazy about him so said everybody deserves a 2nd chance. I moved in with him 3 months later thinking that phase was over etc, unfortunately I discovered it had now progressed to him camming with girls, the 2nd week of us living together I set up a fake account and mailed him, we had a week of filthy conversations, he admitted he had a gf and also said he would cam me when she was out. I laughed and said wont she mind, he said no I do it when shes out. I actually got sick.I know myself its very hard to walk away from a relationship but even after thatI stayed for a while but every couple of months Id discover something else recent stuff new profiles etc. As sad as it sounds I lost a year of my life over it, I was constantly staying in because I was afraid of what he was at when I was out, I was constantly checking the computer and my confidence hit an all time low. Not all men are alike but if hes anything like that one I was with then it wont stop. I think a real low point for me was waking up to see him chatting to a woman in a nightie via cam in his boxers at 3am and me waking up like an eejit asking whats going on.

CDfm

Trí wrote: »

I see what you're saying. But how are you supposed to trust after that??

Fine - its not physically cheating. But it is emotional cheating. I wouldn't do that attached as I know it's wrong. Surely the husband knew it was wrong but big fat did it anyway?

So she talks to him.. What can he say to make it better?

I do think he'd cheat down the line. However this is my opinion and nothing else. Which is what im basing my advice on.

I can see your point - but what we are talking about is the modern equivalent of porn mags like Readers Wives and talking dirty.

I can't get the whole "on-line emotional cheating" thing in the same way that I cant get the whole Catholic "looking at your wife in a her underwear and going whooaarrr" is a sin. Is "emotional cheating" a new sin that came in while I was at work.

So his behaviour might be sad it is not really evidence of anything in the same way that on-line gamers are not would be assasins.

It wouldn't be for me but then punishment wise I would make him sit in the corner wearing his underpants on his head for a long time to contemplate his wrong doing.

Wurly

CDfm wrote: »

I can see your point - but what we are talking about is the modern equivalent of porn mags like Readers Wives and talking dirty.

I can't get the whole "on-line emotional cheating" thing in the same way that I cant get the whole Catholic "looking at your wife in a her underwear and going whooaarrr" is a sin. Is "emotional cheating" a new sin that came in while I was at work.

So his behaviour might be sad it is not really evidence of anything in the same way that on-line gamers are not would be assasins.

It wouldn't be for me but then punishment wise I would make him sit in the corner wearing his underpants on his head for a long time to contemplate his wrong doing.

Sorry - I really don't agree. Looking at porn is looking at an image. It does not involve interaction with another person.

The filthy conversations online involve interaction with another person.

When you are attached - you are intimate with another person. You give yourself sexually and emotionally.

To talk about 'what you'd like to do to' another woman is emotional cheating. You are interacting with another person and having actual sexual conversations. This is something that should be reserved for your partner only. Much the same as the act of sex or sexual acts.

Do you see what I mean now?

For the record again - I have no problem with the porn thing. As long as it's not obsessive, e.g., an addiction.

CDfm

Trí wrote: »

Sorry - I really don't agree. Looking at porn is looking at an image. It does not involve interaction with another person.

For the record again - I have no problem with the porn thing. As long as it's not obsessive, e.g., an addiction.

I can get what you are saying but I still dont get it and it wouldnt be for me but isnt it a bit like using porn TBH.

dreamlogic

If it was several years into a marriage then I might want to talk about it. But only 2 years into a marriage..?
You'd have to wonder really what was going through his mind when he decided to get married in the first place!

Tr&#237 wrote:

You can now liberate yourself from this and move on. It will be hard. But it will be harder to stay and put up with this.

+1

peekyboo

CDfm wrote: »

I can get what you are saying but I still dont get it and it wouldnt be for me but isnt it a bit like using porn TBH.

No, no, no!! It's NOT like using porn, it is cheating exactly like Tri said. In fact everything she said I agree 100% with. This is cheating and disception, no two ways about it. OP, don't put up with this - this is completely unacceptable and you deserve better. How insulting that your husband feels the need to seek these thrills from other, annoymous women??

Wurly

CDfm wrote: »

I can get what you are saying but I still dont get it and it wouldnt be for me but isnt it a bit like using porn TBH.

No - it isn't. Because you are not talking to the porn star that you are watching. That's like saying that it's cheating if you look at another girl on the street. It isn't.

It becomes cheating when you engage intimately with another person. That can be on an emotional level or a sexual level. Or indeed both.

If you set yourself up on a dating site and you get chatting to girls, chances are you'll enjoy this ego boost. Porn is not about ego. It's gratification.

While on this website, you may find someone who catches your eye. She may feel the same. You are putting yourself out there into a big pool of eligible girls. The temptation to cheat down the line would be immense, I would say.

Regarding the porn - you're hardly going to get the porn star's number after she's finished doing her business in the smutty video. You're not going to go down the pub with her for a few pints. This is the difference.

You use porn for sexual gratification. You use dating sites for the thrill, the ego boost, the attention etc etc. All the things that people get when they cheat. And all the things you should be getting from your partner.

Is this any clearer now?

CDfm

peekyboo wrote: »

No, no, no!! It's NOT like using porn, it is cheating exactly like Tri said.

I dont think it is cheating but I wouldnt do it myself so I do think its wrong and I think the guy has been a bit of a plonker. I can certainly see why the OP is upset.

Personally -it seems more like porn to me in that there is a huge fantasy element to it.

If it happened to me would I be hurt -yes.Would I base a serious decision like splitting up on it alone -no.

Sometimes people do the dumbest things.

dreamlogic

CDfm wrote:

Personally -it seems more like porn to me in that there is a huge fantasy element to it.

Well ask yourself why didn't he just look at porn instead.

CDfm

dreamlogic wrote: »

Well ask yourself why didn't he just look at porn instead.

I dont know.He could have been inquisitive and a bit of an eejit and wouldnt be the first or last -but hyping this up is unfair on the OP.

Im not saying what he did was right but I would look at it like porn or those dodgy chatlines or lapdancing that gets described as entertainment. A bit west of a wet t-shirt competition though.

OP - throw the webcam in the bin and get real with it and tell him what you say and that you dont like it & that if his friends and family knew they would laugh at him.

It will be embarressing for you both but over analysising it with him is Jerry Springer territory. Stupid and dumb yes but its not drink driving.

starchild

i would definitely say sit down with your partner and work this out, by all means give him hell over it and let him know how hurt you are

i would definitely pursue this as the best option before just upping and going. I understand the emotions something like this can generate but it is important to remember that the internet affords people the opportunities to be someone they are not

there is no certainty that your partner would ever have acted upon these conversations, most internet users are simply that internet only

Interactive pornography is one of the bigger growth markets at the moment

I would say talk it out, good luck

BobTheBeat

Trí wrote: »

Yep - I am the poster that told her to run. I stand by that.

You do not respect your partner if you are having explicit conversations with other women. Period.

Why should she work to save the marraige when clearly he doesn't give a crap? I would say that when you start putting profiles of yourself on dating sites, you don't give a crap tbh.

I cant believe nor am willing to accept that any man does not know this is wrong deep down.

Like I said - if it was so right - why not show the mails to his wife?

I stand by my comment. I think she should go!

Why should she work to save it? Because thats what people do when they have time and emotion invested in something. Indeed, it may turn out to be harder in the long run, but just imagine the feelings involved with ending things without any form of discussion? So many questions left unanswered, so many things playing on the OP's mind that need to be outed.
And what about redress for the original act? Would it not be better to berate somebody in person and interrogate them, than just walk away and essentially leave them off the hook?Granted, the relationship would be over, but without any form of real explanation on the partners behalf.

I wont make excuses for inexcusable behaviour. The OP's partner has done serious damage to the marriage. But the religious aspect aside, they have both declared to themselves and all their friends that they are committing to each other for the rest of their lives, through thick and thin. Thats a very powerful sentiment and intention. To walk away without complete and transparent discussion with a view to a resolutuion, would be for the worse. Period.

Look, in my opinion, its the easy way out to just leave now and 'spare yourself'. People and relationships are often defined by the trouble and strife they go through. Some for the worse, but more importantly, others for the better.

Wurly

I see your point BobMeaney but I dont think the husband deserves to be in this marraige.

What he did was despicable.

Sure - she took vows to stick through thick and thin. He also took vows - to be true to his wife. And he hasn't been true to his wife.

My fear would be that she'd hear him out. He'd say all the right things. And then he's thinking 'well, that was close. I better not get caught next time'.

Maybe it could work out great - who knows. And maybe she'd be right to talk to him and sort it. But what makes me uncomfortable here is what motivation he had to do this in the first place. He actually set up a profile of himself!! Its not like he 'fell into' talking to someone. That would still be his fault if he let the convo get untoward. But to actually set up a profile? That's calculated.

If she was to walk now - I don't think he'd be getting away with anything or was being let off any hook. His marraige would be over. That's not getting away with it.

Sometimes you don't need the big showdown. Sometimes it's better to walk away.

Mrs Fed

Maybe he isn't doing anythng, just curious.
Still....it hurts and it is humiliating.
Talk to him it is the only thing you can do. You will feel better.

Ciao

CDfm

Trí wrote: »

I see your point BobMeaney but I dont think the husband deserves to be in this marraige.

My fear would be that she'd hear him out. He'd say all the right things. And then he's thinking 'well, that was close. I better not get caught next time'.

If she was to walk now - I don't think he'd be getting away with anything or was being let off any hook. His marraige would be over. That's not getting away with it.

Sometimes you don't need the big showdown. Sometimes it's better to walk away.

Thats a bit pessimistic and drastic. Sure its not nice and shameful(emphasis on the shame). The OP is entitled to be upset.

It doesnt look like he has been unfaithful.

Relationships are about checks and balances too - now I dont know the guy but there are plenty of naive and unsophiticated people out there. I can think of one guy I know whose wife found a stash of porn mags years old that hubby brought from his parents house -his home before he married. His wife was very amused.

Im with Bob that calmness should prevail here and that its best not to be rash or presumptious.

Wurly

CDfm wrote: »

Thats a bit pessimistic and drastic. Sure its not nice and shameful(emphasis on the shame). The OP is entitled to be upset.

It doesnt look like he has been unfaithful.

Relationships are about checks and balances too - now I dont know the guy but there are plenty of naive and unsophiticated people out there. I can think of one guy I know whose wife found a stash of porn mags years old that hubby brought from his parents house -his home before he married. His wife was very amused.

Im with Bob that calmness should prevail here and that its best not to be rash or presumptious.

Well clearly you are not listening to me then.

I have said a few times now that I do not put this in the same category as porn.

I have said since the beginning that I think this is being unfaithful.

This is what i'm basing my advice on.

If you're not gonna read my posts properly, then that's okay. But don't challenge me on stuff that i've explained previously.

Let's just agree to disagree here, ok?;)

LegacyUser

I agree with Tri with absolutely everything.

How is she anyway? Not heard anything.

IanCurtis

AARRRGH wrote: »

He is cheating, or at least is trying to cheat. I'm all on for forgiveness, but cheating after two years of marriage? Unacceptable.

The problem with confronting him is he's going to say it was just a bit of stupid fun, and he's so sorry, he's such an idiot, and because you want to believe him you will. And then down the road at some stage, maybe one week, or one month, or one year, he is going to start the same bull**** once again, so my advice to you is to leave him.

Don't let yourself be fooled into thinking what he is doing is innocent - it's not - it will eventually lead to him having sex with another woman.

What a ridiculous post. Split the marriage up over him fooling about on the net.

Jesus some people haven't a clue

Silverfish

IanCurtis, if you have an issue with a post, please report it.

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Kimia

CDfm a lot of your posts are very helpful and make a lot of sense. Not your ones in this thread however. I don't think you realise how serious women take this emotional cheating - and yes it does happen. Although it's good to gets the man's view though

I agree with Tri although I wouldn't consider splitting up unless he refused to stop or carried on doing it in secret.

It's bad form, it hurts the other person, and it places all the emotional connection with another person other than your partner. It's NOT good.

Talk to him and tell him it's unacceptable. How he reacts after that will determine the fate of the relationship - ball is in his court. But it is 100% out of line and should not continue.

SarahSassy

OP I have been inexactly your position. Moved abroad to make a go of it with an ex and subsequently found out that he was up to this.. First of all I thought it wasnt a big deal and I could handle it but it eventually ate into my confidence, my love for him and the strength of our relationship. This guyu still does the same. We are friends but the trust was broken when I saw a conversation asking someone to meet him...

I have never checked my current OH's email or phone but found myself being totally paranoid every phonecall and email my ex got. I change, was paranoid myself, insecure and it was not pleasant...

The hurt involved in online cheating cannot be underestimated and I think it may be harder to get through than people have given you credit for.

Good luck,

SS

PS my OH now is a computer phobe which I love for obvious reasons

LostinKildare

Confront your husband about it. Bring it up by saying,

"Sweetheart, I'm thinking about creating a user profile and engaging in online sex with anonymous men. Oh, and I'd like to use that webcam you bought the other day. But because I love you and value our marriage, I thought I should check it with you first. That okay with you?"

He needs to have that visual in his head at the start of your talk, before he starts bullsh*tting you.

CDfm

Kimia wrote: »

CDfm a lot of your posts are very helpful and make a lot of sense. Not your ones in this thread however. I don't think you realise how serious women take this emotional cheating - and yes it does happen. Although it's good to gets the man's view though

Haha - thanks.

The emotional cheating thing is a new concept on me. I didnt say I would do it myself though;). I was only in a lapdancing club once and that was a work do - it didn't do anything for me-so its not my thing and neither is this.

So Im not supporting him and think she should tell him that she is seriously pissed off about it and that it must stop. She might even install net nanny on the computer or box up the pc totally.

The reason Im posting is that splitting up is a very drastic step for a married couple if the event is just being curious about something thats a bit "sad"(weird) really. I wouldnt put it up there with cheating but with a dirty phone call or chat-line so it is a bit pervy. Id rank it with a teenager with a porn mag in the toilet so you know what that makes him.

CDfm

LostinKildare wrote: »

Confront your husband about it. Bring it up by saying,

"Sweetheart, I'm thinking about creating a user profile and engaging in online sex with anonymous men. Oh, and I'd like to use that webcam you bought the other day. But because I love you and value our marriage, I thought I should check it with you first. That okay with you?"

He needs to have that visual in his head at the start of your talk, before he starts bullsh*tting you.

Now you are talking - it beats the explain it to me approach because I dont think he could. The clown.

LostinKildare

Exactly. I believe most men would go haywire if their wives/girlfriends did such a thing.

CDfm

LostinKildare wrote: »

Exactly. I believe most men would go haywire if their wives/girlfriends did such a thing.

It is just sleazy but a killer approach and I can see it working and subtle but really drives the point home.

Lik -thats a stroke of genius.

dreamlogic

CDfm wrote:

I dont know.He could have been inquisitive and a bit of an eejit and wouldnt be the first or last

Not being the first or last to do something is hardly any excuse. If you make a decision to commit to someone, then the time for being "inquisitive and a bit of an eejit" is in the past. And there is nothing wrong btw with being inquisitive per se; it's the fact that he went behind his wife's back and did this that's the issue here.

-but hyping this up is unfair on the OP.

Hyping it up? I haven't hyped anything up and I don't think anyone else has either. I can understand someone having a different point of view CDfm, but how is what I've said being unfair on the OP? She started the thread conveying shock at having discovered that her husband has been on dating/sex sites. They have only been married for 2 years and she thought things were fine between them. He has gone behind her back and done this. The OP does not mention that her husband is "a bit of an eejit" etc, so we have to assume that he is a fairly normal person otherwise.
In the end the OP will read the thread and make up her own mind. If there are other details that she is leaving out such as he was drunk at the time, has a substance abuse problem etc. then obviously that would be the real issue. But other than that, we can only go on what the OP has told us here.

Im not saying what he did was right but I would look at it like porn or those dodgy chatlines or lapdancing that gets described as entertainment. A bit west of a wet t-shirt competition though.

Again, if he wanted those forms of entertainment, the question remains, why didn't he keep it at that instead of crossing the line into chatting with real life women who(presumably) were looking for sex themselves? The OP does not mention if it was a dating site or what so we don't have much to go on here, tbf.

OP - throw the webcam in the bin and get real with it and tell him what you say and that you dont like it & that if his friends and family knew they would laugh at him.

It will be embarressing for you both but over analysising it with him is Jerry Springer territory. Stupid and dumb yes but its not drink driving.

Well earlier you accused others of "hyping it up", so now maybe you should be accused of trivialising the issue! You're making it sound like he's a little boy and the OP should behave like she's his mother or something.

Stupid and dumb yes but its not drink driving.

Drink driving would obviously be nothing to do with their relationship in the bedroom. I don't know how you're even comparing the two..?!

She might even install net nanny on the computer or box up the pc totally.

She shouldn't have to. Again, she is not his mother! The whole point is that trust has been broken here. Many relationships can continue with lack of trust, yes. But is this good for someone like the OP in the long run, is this the sort of relationship a person should want to stay in? I would say not. Of course this decision is for the OP herself to make.

Id rank it with a teenager with a porn mag in the toilet so you know what that makes him.

Fine, you still think it's like porn, so as Trí said let's agree to disagree about this. If he is still a teenager though, he shouldn't be in a marriage in the first place.

CDfm

dreamlogic wrote: »

Hyping it up? I haven't hyped anything up and I don't think anyone else has either. I can understand someone having a different point of view CDfm, but how is what I've said being unfair on the OP? She started the thread conveying shock at having discovered that her husband has been on dating/sex sites. They have only been married for 2 years and she thought things were fine between them.


Well earlier you accused others of "hyping it up", so now maybe you should be accused of trivialising the issue! You're making it sound like he's a little boy and the OP should behave like she's his mother or something.
Drink driving would obviously be nothing to do with their relationship in the bedroom. I don't know how you're even comparing the two..?!

I am not condoning what he did but feel that hyping up the emotioinal cheating stuff is pushing the boat out. Maybe I dont take this on-line fantasy stuff seriously enough.