Would you watch this?

abouttobebanned

Ok, I'm going out on a limb here...

Myself and my friend wrote a couple of sitcom scripts a few years ago (He used to be a member on here)...anyway...we kind of shelved it then...

However, recently I've watched some sitcoms on telly, and also some of the entrants on RTE's Storyland...and I dunno....I really think we could have a shout.

Anyway, I'd really appreciate if some of you would have a read of this and get back to me with some honest comments. If it's crap...I can handle that...if it needs work, I'll appreciate the constructive criticism...

This is one of the early episodes from a couple of years ago...I know it needs work...but anyway...

EDIT: mods I put it here cause I'd love to hear from the TV folks

JonathanAnon

Hi,

had a look through the first 7 pages, but it's kinda hard to read without knowing anything about the characters. Do you not normally write a description of each of the characters for something like this?

Fair play to you for trying. The dialogue reminds me of something like Men Behaving Badly or something. I would be worried that Bachelor's Walk has covered most of what you are trying to do already.

abouttobebanned

Thanks for the feedback...

This is episode three but there's not a whole lot that you'd need to know about them really....I have to say I liked bachelors walk but I'd hope that we could take it in a different direction.

Thoie

Hmm, I've read it all, and I'm a bit uncertain.

I understand that it's Ep3, but you really don't learn anything about the characters at all (though technically I suppose you do learn his blood type )

The way Monty talks irritates me a bit - he speech patterns are a bit too much like a written style than a spoken style in parts. Though maybe that's deliberate.

Have you considered getting a few mates around to read the parts, and see what they're like aloud, and make a few edits based on that? I wouldn't write it off completely just from one episode - it could have some potential.

abouttobebanned

Maybe we were trying to be clever with this one...i.e. a seinfeld type of episode where very little happens....

http://montyspass.blogspot.com/

Monty's blog....

some viral marketing!

Thoie

abouttobebanned wrote: »

a seinfeld type of episode where very little happens....

That could explain it - I always hated Seinfeld

Edit:
I should explain that I didn't hate yours, but might have liked it more if it was less Seinfeld-ish

enniscorthy

hahahahahaheheheh defo my man go 4 it what harm what have u got to lose its better then rte forsure

abouttobebanned

Thoie wrote: »

That could explain it - I always hated Seinfeld

lol ok so!

Elmo

They expect to see scripts in a certain format, not a big deal just different to how it looks at the moment. (Each page should represent 1 minute of time, helps to time the script, action sequence and long descriptions can take a page over the minute mark).

Basic formatting:

Typface: 12 pint Courier (Courier New)
Margins:
Left Margin 1.5inches (3.81cm)
Right Margin 1.25inches (3.175cm)
Top and Bottom Margins 1inch (2.54cm)

Tabs:
Dialogue: 1inch (2.54cm) both sides
Parentheticals 1.75 inches (4.445cm)
Character Slugs Centered
Optical Directions Right aligned

And their are plenty more rules for how a script should look Also no need for Act 1: Scene 1 as this isn't a play.

You should try and read Viki King's How To Write a Movie in 21 Days and Syd Field's Screen Writing, both are cheap at around 10euro you can get them on line or in any good book shop (they may have to order them in).

Seinfeld is difficult to copy and your setting your sights high even attempting an Irish Seinfeld, all sit-com writers seem to look toward Seinfeld, but you have to remember the problems it had when it first appeared. I know I hated the show at first but now really understand why it is such a great comedy.

Characters should have back stories regardless of weather or not the audience knows those details, it will help you move the story along i.e. How does Monty react to the nurse and why?

The other thing about Seinfeld is censorship, Seinfeld and most American comedies/dramas have to be very careful about how the approach words and subjects. E.G. Seinfeld "Master of the Castle" episode, we all know what they are talking about but they never mention Masturbation. According to Graham Linehan (creator of Fr. Ted, IT Crowd) self censorship isn't a bad thing since it helps to write better. The writers of Friends used to come up with the most outrageous scripts and spend there time trying to make it Network TV friendly.

No harm sending the script into someone in an Independent company to look at but make sure it is in the right format.

Bachelor's walk and Paths to Freedom were produced by Accomplice productions and grand pictures respectively.

www.grandpictures.ie
www.accomplice-tv.com

It got good towards the end, wasn't sure at the start. Good luck with it. Melianie came across as the best character. Also where are all the Waterfordism like

Well Boy
Well Girl
and my favorite

That don't happen.

IanCurtis

Seems to be riddled with sitcom cliches - example:

JANE
I wouldn’t count on that….OUWW! (Jane screams in pain as she takes a sup from her wine)

Still, it's probably as good as anything RTE ever commissioned.

I've got one myself that's much better though. Gonna follow the rules above to format it.

Where should I send it though?

Elmo

I am sure yours is much better

I suggest Independent production companies (as above) for scripts, unless you plan to produce the show yourself in which case you should send it, with a budget, to RTÉ directly.

Budget forms are available on http://www.rte.ie/commissioning/index.html

Elmo

You can set up a template in Word or you can use other software but remember to send your script in a .doc or .pdf format.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Screenplay

Elmo

me_right_one

that looks deadly, go for it!

abouttobebanned

Thanks for the replies lads and lassies. I probably jumped the gun a bit posting up this one..We've written 4 in all, (this being the third) and I know it needs a helluva lot of work.

Will stick at it.

Eire-Dearg

Good work, but the language seemed very formal.

Best of luck with it.

Eire-Dearg

abouttobebanned wrote: »

Thanks for the replies lads and lassies. I probably jumped the gun a bit posting up this one..We've written 4 in all, (this being the third) and I know it needs a helluva lot of work.

Will stick at it.

I think it'd be cool if you centralized it around one character, like Monty in your blog. He could talk to the camera, etc.

Elmo

abouttobebanned wrote: »

Thanks for the replies lads and lassies. I probably jumped the gun a bit posting up this one..We've written 4 in all, (this being the third) and I know it needs a helluva lot of work.

Will stick at it.

Be careful here when a producer gets their hands on the script they will consider the script a first draft and will look to re-edit the script regardless of how good or bad it is.

How long is each episode? Generally speaking comdies run from 22 - 30 mins. Hour long comedies are generally much more dramatic, running from 45 to 60mins

Daelus

A good way to format the scripts is to download something like Celtx. It's free. We used it in my screenwriting class in college. Very handy.