How do I make myself less "strange"?

LegacyUser

I'm a 26 year old woman. All my life I've always been the odd one out. At school I was the "weird one" because I had different interests to the other kids (eg I liked rock while they liked pop, etc). They often didn't invite me to stuff and some wouldn't talk to me. Even my family think I'm weird and antisocial just because I like to stay in my room alot and don't hang out with people that often. At college I finally found a gang of friends who were also the "weird ones". We hung out together and got on great although the popular kids made fun of us. They were seriously messed up in different ways, eg - one of the girls spent all of her time making up different sob stories about how she had been raped by many different men, some of the kids cut themselves and did other weird things. We all dressed metal or goth. However, after college we all moved on and got on with our seperate lives.

I moved abroad and got an au pair job. However the family weren't happy with me. The mother was constantly claiming that I was "strange". She said this to me all the time whenever she wasn't happy with anything, "God, you're so strange, you're really strange." I asked her once what was strange about me and she didn't seem to be able to put her finger on anything. (btw I don't dress weird or anything I just wear normal clothes and listen to all kinds of music not just rock/metal.) The family kept threatening to fire me until I eventually left.

I went back home and got a job but my colleagues there thought I was weird as well. I don't really know why. I got fired from there for not being enthusiastic enough. I've been fired from pretty much every job I've ever had. I've never done anything "bad" I think it's just my employers could usually tell that I never really enjoyed any of those jobs and didn't want to be there.

I don't really like spending time with others too frequently, I really just love being alone most of the time and meeting up with friends occassionally for a fun night out or whatever. In social settings, unless it's with friends or family that I have known for a very long time, I just never really manage to act "enthusiastic" or normal or sociable enough to satisfy people.

This is a problem because unless I win the lottery I am going to have to work for a living and thus need to hold down a job, which means acting in a sociable way that people like. I am starting another au pair job soon, and I am worried that the same situation will repeat itself. I don't mind looking after the kids and doing the housework or whatever, and I will enjoy taking the kids on outings, but I'm worried the family will think I'm strange or not sociable enough and I'll get fired. I don't really know for sure why other people have this negative impression of me but I need to do something about it. I just don't know what to do.

BelovedK

Hi there

I can completely identify where you are coming from. I was bullied really badly from the age of ten right up until high school for being 'the odd one out' which resulted in me being on anti-depressants for years. I always felt like the black sheep of my family. I thought that after school my worries would be over and that I would finally 'fit in'. Instead, I became suicidal as I did not find the inner happiness I craved. In life, there will always be people that will look down on you for being different, maybe they feel threatened by you and the fact that you 'march to the beat of your own drum'. It takes courage to be an individual in a 'cliquey' world. I am also in my twenties and still sometimes feel awkward socially but the key difference is that I embrace the fact that I am my own unique person. What really got me through tough times was reading and watching inspirational books and movies about people that also had tough times in life but managed to persevere. People like Oprah Winfrey, Nelson Mandela, etc who had all the odds against them but never gave up.Two books I recommend reading which help greatly with self esteem and confidence are, ' You can heal your life' by Louise L. Hay - a very inspirational woman who had some truely horrific things happen to her and still she persevered and also 'A new earth' by Eckhart Tolle.
Don't worry about the job thing, some of the best people only figure out what they want to do with their lives in their forties. However, I suggest you try and be more enthusiastic when you get a job if comments in the past you have received have been about your lack of enthusiasm. Don't go over the top, but try to smile more and be genuinely interested in other people. People tend to like other people who ask questions and are interested in them as our favourite subject is usually ourselves!
I hope this helped - if you need any more advice, let me know

liah

You could have just described me. Seriously. Even right down to the music thing, and the group in highschool.

My reason for being "strange" was because I was never "socialized"-- insofar that I grew up on my own. Completely. So I never learned to interact normally and I never had a chance to make friends (moved around too much.) I got comfortable with my own company and always just remained inward.

You don't need to pinpoint why you're different-- that was my reason, but everyone has different ones and some people are just solitary by nature. Most people don't understand that some people are perfectly content in their own company and it doesn't mean they're weird or freaks or anything, it just means they're happy enough with themselves. Unfortunately a lot of people are ignorant and see anything out of the ordinary as a threat, and that's unavoidable.

It could come down to body language, too. I notice people telling me I always look bored and/or pissed off, even if I'm just sitting there thinking about every day things and in a perfectly normal mood. Evidently my "default" facial expression just seems.. bored or angry, I guess. So now I try to make a concious effort to soften my features. Not enough to look like a smiley freak, but enough to look approachable and friendly, even if I'm just sitting on my own. Since we're used to spending a lot of time in our own company, we, as opposed to a lot of other people, never really bothered to try hard to fit in, and this may be reflected in our body language.

Start taking note of your body language because that seems to be the major decider. Study your "default" facial expression in the mirror, or how you look when you're talking to another person-- there's always mirrors in pubs and things. It sounds vain to be constantly looking at yourself but it's helped me tremendously. Pay attention to how long you're looking at someone, the amount of eye contact you use, how often you smile, how often you cross your arms or put them in your pockets. Compare it to other people. All these things will lead people to make decisions about you subconsciously-- if you're staring at people too long with no expression, people will find that strange. If you always have your arms crossed or hands in pockets, it's seen as antisocial and defensive. Smile a lot when you talk, make a conscious effort to put expression into your face and to be empathetic.

Take note of your voice, too-- is it low? High? Monotone? Exaggerated? Soft? Loud? Do you mumble or speak clearly? Mine's quite low and monotone so I find myself having to punch it up sometimes and try not to mumble, as I'm used to being quiet. People are turned off by lack of expression but they're also turned off by too much expression, so be careful.

I know it sounds like I'm telling you to change yourself-- I'm not. But this stuff does come in very handy when staying employed. Everyone has to modify their behaviour slightly for their job if they work with other people day-to-day. This stuff has worked for me quite well and all it takes is paying attention to yourself and how you interact as opposed to others, and a greater understanding of the body language and signals you're sending out. And eventually, you don't need to "force" yourself into acting a certain way, after awhile it just comes naturally. You'll still be yourself, you'll just be able to get along with people better. That's all.

I'm still a quiet person and tend to take the background in social scenarios but I do now make more of an effort to speak up and get along, and nobody sees me as the odd one out anymore, they just see me as me.

Long post, sorry. But I've been there, done that, and that's what helped me. Hopefully it can help you a little.

Permabear

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LegacyUser

liah wrote: »

You could have just described me. Seriously. Even right down to the music thing, and the group in highschool[.......]

Wow, great post, thanks.

Yeah I feel like a male version of both of you . Im gonna start paying attention to that stuff you were talking about Liah. I accept that you are not trying to get anybody to change who they are, just the way they go about transmitting themselves to others. Which is just as well because from the way both of you have described yourselves I think I would much rather being around ye then people on the other side of the "strange" coin.

The one thing that I wish I could change about myself is not the fact that I spend a lot of time on my own, but the feeling that Im missing out on something if I dont meet up with someone I know during the day. Count your blessings that you dont feel this drive to be social when there is a conflicting desire to be on your own.

Anyway, sorry for rambling and good luck OP.

LegacyUser

donegalfella wrote: »

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Im not sure telling her to change her personal appearance to be in order to fit in better is the best advise ive ever heard...

Changing body language is one thing, but conforming to rules of fashion in order to be accepted is another. I think you should just wear whatever you feel comfortable with (obviously within reason if in a workplace environment).

I think employers who descriminate against people because they wear certain clothes or choose to paint or make holes in their bodies (outside of a job where personal appearance actually affects your capacity to do well, such as a shop), should be liable for prosecution.

Why would you want to live in a world where everybody dresses the same so that nobody looks twice at them, or thinks their "strange"?

Permabear

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nyarlothothep

From your post you don't sound strange at all but rather quite cool instead. You also sound introverted which is perfectly normal and in fact something to be proud of, contrary to what some people would have you think (they just don't understand the flip side of the intro/extro coin). I guess accept who you are and don't apologize for it, but perhaps take onboard some practical advice but don't fundamentally change your personality just to fit in.

LegacyUser

donegalfella wrote: »

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Not sure I can fully agree with the changing how you look to fit in thing, surely the OP wants to take off the 'uniform' around friends. I'm almost the exact same as the OP bar I can feign enthusiasm in the work place.

Permabear

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Nevyn

Hang on the op never said or implied she was a goth or dressed in such a manner, so please stop assuming and even if she was a goth trust me wearing pink doesn't make a blind bit of a difference.

cafecolour

First, TBH au pair isn't really a good job for a major introvert. Perhaps you should look into finding more suitable jobs, since you keep taking ones you aren't that fond of (try IT, academia, library science, list goes on).

If you want to stick with it, follow Liah's very good tips, and actively be more friendly/outgoing/cheerful on the job. Think about it as part of the job. If you are 'odd' and quiet, people will think you are weird and often a snob. If you are odd and outgoing/cheerful/friendly, people are more inclined to think of you just as endearingly eccentric.

One thing to add to Liah's list:

- Greet everyone. Don't wait for them to greet you, make eye contact, say how's it going/any craic/etc. Quick exchange and then leave, or a bit of small talk - for instance, tell them what tv show you were watching last night or movie or book (plenty people spend their evenings doing these things). It doesn't matter that they don't watch it - it makes them more comfortable. Instead of thinking there's that strange girl, god knows what she got up to, they can put you in their box as a quiet girl who likes to watch X. And someone might like to watch X too.

Finally, weird is relative. What's weird in a small town is not nearly so in a big city, so you might need to move to a bigger place to find your niche.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I don't dress "goth" or anything, I dress 90% normal, I just happen to have a few heavy metal T-shirts as well.

I think the main problem really is my lack of enthusiasm for all of the jobs I've had and the fact that I don't enjoy socialising with people who aren't doing something I would like to do, and can't force myself to do it (eg my colleagues in one job once invited me to go clubbing with them but it was to a rubbish club that I really really didn't want to go to, so I made an excuse and they never asked me again.)

I really want to be an au pair as it's the only way I can live abroad right now. I just need to make myself seem outgoing, friendly, interested in the family and not strange so that I don't get fired. I really want this job.

shellyboo

Unregistered5 wrote: »

I don't enjoy socialising with people who aren't doing something I would like to do, and can't force myself to do it (eg my colleagues in one job once invited me to go clubbing with them but it was to a rubbish club that I really really didn't want to go to, so I made an excuse and they never asked me again.)

I get that you're having a hard time with this OP, but this part in particular just sounds a bit lazy and kinda selfish. Friendship is about compromise - you can't always have things your way. If you're going to take a negative attitude towards certain places and limit your social involvement on that (in my opinion, completely arbitrary) basis, then you ARE going to struggle.


Let's face it - you weren't going to the club to enjoy the club, you were going to try to make friends. So who cares whether the club is crap or not? It may sound a bit harsh, but you have to build relationships with people who have things in common with you before you can go do the things you want to do with them. If you'd gone to that club, you may have found that one of the others hated it too, and you could have chatted. Or you might have seen someone else looking on with disdain and made a connection that way. Basically, stop limiting yourself.

And also, I'd get stuck into boards... I'd bet money you'll find lots of like-minded people on here, and people who are considered equally 'strange'

LegacyUser

ok I never really thought of it like that before. I always just avoided hanging out with people I didn't seem to have anything in common with. I guess I could try broadening my horizons and try and be a bit more enthusiastic about other stuff.

RossFixxxed

If I limited myself to people who like the exact things I like I'd know about 2 people and they would be the most pretentious, boring, depressing lazy people on the planet!

One of the great things about my friends is that whilst we're a bit nerdy, and have some common ground ,there is a huge range of interests, careers etc in the group and that keeps things interesting. It also means that their own friends are different too so you get to meet a variety of people and that is so so important.

I think as people said we're all a bit weird in our own way. Once you don't smell, talk to people who aren't there all the time you should get on fine. The weirdness is only an issue if you are being narky, rude, ignorant etc... There are common qualities that we all hope for in friends etc. Trust, compromise, willingness to engage in different things etc... Once they are there, once you can smile and say hi you sould be ok.

The rule for a job is be yourself but shut up 80% of the time you were thinking of saying something!! That applies to a lot of people tbh. And if they are all interested in something why not share the interest, ask some questions, join in etc?

I'm a bit of a shut in sometimes too, but there is no harm in that. If you enjoy your own company that's great, and if you go on nights out with mates even better to mix it up!!

It really is all in your head and the more people you get to interact with outside of your mates the less this will be an issue. An awful lot of social skills that I have picked up and am still picking up are as a direct result of me saying something stupid/being a dick/drinking too much, and learning from that!

R

shellyboo

Unregistered5 wrote: »

ok I never really thought of it like that before. I always just avoided hanging out with people I didn't seem to have anything in common with. I guess I could try broadening my horizons and try and be a bit more enthusiastic about other stuff.

Yeah, that's a really limiting attitude! You're handicapping yourself before you even start My boyfriend and I couldn't be more different - he likes doom metal, I have five pairs of High School Musical socks - and we get on great. Some of the nicest people I've met in recent months have been people I have nothing in common with interest-wise - but that doesn't mean they're not nice people or I don't have anything to talk to them about.

People are people everywhere. You don't have to have something in common with someone in order to be their friend - and even if you do, we ALL have things in common. We live, we eat, we sleep, we socialise, we have sex, we have families, we have pets... there is always common ground.

And don't worry about not being enthusiastic about activities - you need to be enthusiastic about PEOPLE. That's how you make friends. Be interested in them, share a little of yourself. It's not about liking the same bands or clubs or clothes, it's about who you are as a person. Your interests don't define you - you're far more than a heavy metal t-shirt, or a trendy club. Have faith in the fact that you're worth getting to know.

LegacyUser

Does anyone have any tips for how I can come across as enthusiastic and interested in people for my upcoming au pair job? I do find being around people 24/7 a tad tiring. I know that after looking after the kids all day I'll want some time alone in my room for a few hours. That was a big problem in my last au pair job. If I spent an hour in my room (during what was meant to be my free time, not when I was "on duty") the parents would complain about me being antisocial and would expect me to come out and play with the kids and talk to the parent's friends for most of the evening, even though it was my free time. I didn't mind eating dinner with them and spending 2 or 3 evenings a week meeting the parent's friends or hanging out with the kids, but I also liked to have some time alone and this was not acceptable to the parents. Do you think that was me or them being unreasonable? I'm worried the same situation may present itself again, I really hope my new host family don't expect me to be with them 24/7. My previous host family expected me to give up my weekends (which we had agreed would be my days off) regularly, like every other weekend, to travel to other towns with them to spend the weekend with their family members, when I really just wanted to spend my weekends resting or out partying with some new friends I had made. Is it strange of me that I didn't want to spend all of my free time with them? They thought it was very strange. But I was a young girl in a new country, I wasn't there just to hang out with a middle-aged couple and their kids, I also wanted to have fun with people my own age. Like I said, I was willing to spend a couple of evenings a week with them, but after being in the house all day doing housework and looking after kids, I just wanted to get away for a while. I don't know how much of my free time my new host family will expect me to give them, I don't want them to think I'm antisocial.

dreamlogic

Unregistered5 wrote:

The mother was constantly claiming that I was "strange". She said this to me all the time whenever she wasn't happy with anything, "God, you're so strange, you're really strange." I asked her once what was strange about me and she didn't seem to be able to put her finger on anything.

You say this happened abroad. Was there a language barrier? Could it have been that she said strange but meant something else...quiet, unsuitable for the job, etc..? Otherwise it seems like quite a pointless thing to say to someone, and not very helpful. This would make her the strange one IMO

I went back home and got a job but my colleagues there thought I was weird as well. I don't really know why. I got fired from there for not being enthusiastic enough. I've been fired from pretty much every job I've ever had. I've never done anything "bad" I think it's just my employers could usually tell that I never really enjoyed any of those jobs and didn't want to be there.

It sounds like you need to find a career/job that you are good at and enjoy doing. For example in a customer-facing role a certain amount of obvious enthusiasm is required, otherwise it's considered bad for business. Personally I would not be happy in this type of role. I've done it but it would wear me out eventually.

In social settings, unless it's with friends or family that I have known for a very long time, I just never really manage to act "enthusiastic" or normal or sociable enough to satisfy people.

Don't let this bother you. Make a small amount of small talk and cover the basics, but don't feel that you have to go beyond that into becoming someone you're not. At the same time be open to possibilities. Use your judgement/intuition in choosing who to get to know and who is on a completely different wavelength.

This is a problem because unless I win the lottery I am going to have to work for a living and thus need to hold down a job, which means acting in a sociable way that people like.

The amount of sociableness required varies depending on the job. If you do a google search for career test, you can get a better idea of the sort of work that suits your personality and abilities. Of course it is not always possible to do exactly what we want in the short-term. As you say, you have to pay the bills. But also it's nice to have an idea of where you want to go so that at least you can know that you're not going to be au pairing forever if this isn't your niche...

I don't really know for sure why other people have this negative impression of me but I need to do something about it. I just don't know what to do.

Whatever you do, do not presume before meeting someone that they're probably going to have a negative impression of you. Treat every person you meet as a new person instead of simply another part of this of this "other people" grouping! There is nothing wrong in general with being naturally cautious about befriending someone too quickly. In a work situation though, you do need to be a little more outgoing with acquaintances - especially when meeting them for the first time - than you would naturally be with people outside of work. This is just the reality of working with people.

Best of luck and I hope the new job works out okay for you.

shellyboo

Unregistered5 wrote: »

. I didn't mind eating dinner with them and spending 2 or 3 evenings a week meeting the parent's friends or hanging out with the kids, but I also liked to have some time alone and this was not acceptable to the parents. Do you think that was me or them being unreasonable?

That was them being unreasonable - what you do on your own time is your own business.

Unregistered5 wrote: »

I'm worried the same situation may present itself again, I really hope my new host family don't expect me to be with them 24/7. My previous host family expected me to give up my weekends (which we had agreed would be my days off) regularly, like every other weekend, to travel to other towns with them to spend the weekend with their family members, when I really just wanted to spend my weekends resting or out partying with some new friends I had made.

That's perfectly understandable!

Unregistered5 wrote: »

Is it strange of me that I didn't want to spend all of my free time with them? They thought it was very strange. But I was a young girl in a new country, I wasn't there just to hang out with a middle-aged couple and their kids, I also wanted to have fun with people my own age. Like I said, I was willing to spend a couple of evenings a week with them, but after being in the house all day doing housework and looking after kids, I just wanted to get away for a while. I don't know how much of my free time my new host family will expect me to give them, I don't want them to think I'm antisocial.

It's not strange of you at all. I suggest that when you start your new job, you sit down and tell your new family this. Explain just as you have here - in your last placement, the family placed a lot of extra demand on your free time, and while you didn't mind giving it up occasionally, it's very important to you to have time to yourself and to spend with friends. Maybe ask them that if they have a family event they'd like you to attend aside from your normal duties, they ask you in advance so you can let them know if you're free, or if you have other plans, or if you need to rearrange things.

I think if you lay out the boundaries of what you expect from them as employers - ie, them respecting your personal time - things will run a lot more smoothly.

And once you do have that time to rest and recuperate, your enthusiasm and energy for the job and the kids should increase naturally.

LegacyUser

The thing is, I am not telling them I had an au pair job before. If they know that that one didn't work out, they probably won't want to give me the job. However, I would like to discuss with them about my free time being my own, but I don't want to come across as too rude and demanding. I'm not sure how to phrase it.

shellyboo

Unregistered5 wrote: »

The thing is, I am not telling them I had an au pair job before. If they know that that one didn't work out, they probably won't want to give me the job. However, I would like to discuss with them about my free time being my own, but I don't want to come across as too rude and demanding. I'm not sure how to phrase it.

Well, I think if you sat down and had a frank discussion with them on how much free time you'll be getting, that would be a good start. So they'll sat=y "Four evenings a week" or something to that effect. And then you can ask, "Would you mind if I spent some of my time off here, just resting in my room? It's important to me to have some quiet time to myself so that I can be fresh and energetic for the kids".

Does that sound manageable?

LegacyUser

Yes but how to broach the subject of me being out partying during my free time if I want to?

shellyboo

Unregistered5 wrote: »

Yes but how to broach the subject of me being out partying during my free time if I want to?

"... and sometimes I'd like to go out as well and experience some of the culture and get to meet people."

Basically, just tell them what it is you expect, but phrase it as a sort of question, a "would you be ok with this", so as to seem polite. What you're asking are perfectly reasonable requests, if they're reasonable people they're not going to say no! It's much easier to sort these things out before they cause trouble and not after

Permabear

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LegacyUser

The best way to handle any work situ is to talk straight. Its eas once you spit it out. And good practice too.

As for other issues - it seems American teen movies have alot to answer for. People grasp onto easy tags like 'weird' to define themselves. but remember those tags are all movies and marketing. Don't let yourelf get stuck in a fake identity.

The advice about body language and greeting people was excelent.

username123

Unregistered5 wrote: »

(eg my colleagues in one job once invited me to go clubbing with them but it was to a rubbish club that I really really didn't want to go to, so I made an excuse and they never asked me again.)

Unregistered5 wrote: »

I always just avoided hanging out with people I didn't seem to have anything in common with. I guess I could try broadening my horizons and try and be a bit more enthusiastic about other stuff.

Youre limiting yourself. So what if the club was rubbish? Its not the place youre in its the people youre with. Friendships and socialising are all about compromise. No one likes to be asking someone along who just wont go because its such and such a place. Its always a pain in the behind when one person refuses to come along cos they 'dont like the place'.

Not hanging out with people you dont have stuff in common with is totally limiting as well. Ive a whole different bunch of friends and I get my philosophy buzz off one pal, my fashion buzz off another, my atheist buzz of another, my tv buzz off yet another, my animal loving buzz off a different one etc.... People have lots of different facets to them. I have a number of friends who I would bore silly if I started talking to them about the last book I read, and others who'd love it and go off to look for it on amazon. Its about finding common ground with individuals, not an individual who have everything in common with you.

About your au pair family, just be clear that you want to spend some time alone, reading or listening to music or just goofing off, and you want to spend other times out meeting new people and enjoying a new culture, and you want to spend other times as a part of their family life. When you do spend time with them try to be enthusiastic so that they dont feel they are torturing you into enjoying yourself. In a different culture different social skills apply also so ask them to point out to you if you are committing social faux pas and that you will appreciate a gentle steer if you are not behaving appropriately.

cock robin

Change not one single thing about yourself. Its through experiences such as yours that we learn about different people and how they interact with each other. But just take it on board dont let it alter the real you. Most of society is singular in its actions. All work at the same time, all conform to fashion trends. Its ok to be on your own. Throughout the animal kingdom even amongst social animals there are some who seperate from the pack. I spent most of my working life around people and although I would consider my self a sociable creature there are days when I just want peace and quiet. Just dont over indulge. If your posting on here then you are at least aware that you are not alone. Plenty of ordainary people just like you who feel the same way.

LegacyUser

I'd like to echo the excellent advice offered by Liah.

I've had similar experiences. I grew up in an isolated place with no children to socialise with and only my cold, distant, warring parents as role models. Needless to say I didn't learn any social skills so when I went out into the world of work I hadn't got a clue how to get along with people. They all thought I was weird and my way of coping was to embrace my weirdness and difference, perhaps so I could use it as an excuse for them not liking me, rather than admit to myself that it was because there was something wrong with me. But in truth that's exactly how I did feel. I hated myself for being so different and useless and clueless and I hated them for their attitudes towards me!

There are two main things that I've learned (and to be honest only quite recently and I'm over 40 now!).

One is - you have to be aware of your facial expression and your body language - because no one smiled or interacted with me, my "default" facial expression (like Liah's) was expressionless. This is interpreted by other people as unapproachable, perhaps snobbish, or even hostile and certainly not someone that people want to bother to get to know. And if I had a penny for every time someone said to me "cheer up love, it may never happen" I'd be minted!! But until I left home and had to interact with people who socialised in a more normal way I had absolutely no idea I came across this way. Someone (well Ok, many many many someones) had to point it out to me before I finally got what they were saying. It's taken me so so long to get this very simple point and I'm an intelligent woman! In fact, I only really understood when I read the book I mention in the next paragraph. People, I now realise, have often felt intimidated by me as I have strong opinions and come across as very confident, aloof, cold and quite hard. So no-one who knows me was ever brave enough to give me any feedback. The "cheer up love" comments always came unprovoked from complete strangers in the street!!

Secondly - again from my upbringing I never realised this - you have to make an effort to get to know people, you have to compromise. Making friends doesn't just happen, you have to work at it. Something which comes naturally and is therefore not even seen as an effort by those lucky to have been brought up by friendly people?! But I just had a very "I can't be bothered" attitude and didn't see people as worth getting to know. I now realise how limiting these beliefs were and how they kept me isolated.

I found the following book really helpful (i've mentioned it on other threads too, Overcoming Loneliness and Making Friends by Mariann Csoti, I wish this book had been around when I was a teenager, the course of my life would have been very different if I had). It outlines the rules of relationships that most people are lucky enough to absorb by osmosis from their families but that some people aren't taught. I was one of those people. It doesn't mean you're odd or strange or weird and it's not your fault. Not only that but you can learn the rules, and how to apply them, later in life, put the learning into practice and develop normal relationships and friendships with people. By changing the externals it allows the internal you (who is perfectly normal and wonderful) to engage and interact with the world. It's like releasing yourself from a prison.

I hope this helps and I hope you let us know how you get on.
Much love

suspectpackage

OP, I think you know what the problems are.

I, like you, always came accross "weird" or "strange". The problem was that I didn't understand social skills and did "weird" or "strange" things. It took me a long time to learn to be "normal" and that doesn't mean changing yourself, it just means having a normal level of social skills and knowing how you are coming accross to people.

For example, your friends from a job all asked you to go out with them to a club. You tell them no. This is a bad social move because you have shunned them and they have to make sense of it "Does she not like us?" "Does she not go out?" etc... it just gets people thinking negatively of you and that isn't what you want. The fact is, you have to mingle with people and you have to make the effort. That doesn't mean change WHO YOU ARE, it just means change your level of committment in meeting people and socialising.

Staying in your room and secluding yourself is also something that could be seen negatively. It would be better to make the effort to socialize and if you really want to be alone, say that you are going to watch a movie in your room that you really want to watch or you are going to sleep for an hour or two because you are really tired today etc. You just don't want people to think that you are choosing to not spend time with them as it can make them start to think negatively (it's hard for people to understand that you like to be alone and enjoy your own company).

I would say that is the biggest lesson to learn here. Just make an effort to be social with people (we all have to do it) and to be more enthusiastic. If this is affecting your professional life, you have to rectify it or change job. Simple as that.