Grief impacting on relationship

LegacyUser

My brother died two weeks ago, and I am finding it difficult getting back to normal life, work etc. I am feeling all the usual effects of loss, and it brought back the loss of my mom a couple of years back. Now, I find that I am taking out some of my grief on my BF . I know that is unfair, but I guess I expected him to cut me some slack and not take it personally when I am in a bad mood, or am a bit snappy and irrational. I don't do it on purpose, and sometimes don't even realise I am doing it. The problem is, I read him so well, I can tell when he's sick of me and resents having to give me support. I know that its natural for him to feel that way sometimes, but it makes me feel really lonely, and a bit angry with him also as I have always been there for him 100% in the past when he has needed me, whether I felt up to it or not. My boyfriend was generally really good and supportive to me in the last few months when my brother was really ill (we knew he was dying, but didn't expect him to die as quickly as he did). However, I have noticed a pattern where, soon after I lean on him for emotional support, he tells me he is down/stressed/doesn't know what is wrong with him. i know this is his way of distancing himself from me by letting me know that he has enough on his plate. Today, which was my 1st day back in work (which I am unhappy in) he did the same thing, before letting me know that sometimes he gets an overhelming urge to run away. He said we needed to talk about it. My reaction was to get angry with him. I felt he was being selfish and immature, that he resetns the fact that there is so much crap in my life that he has to deal with, and I felt that I just can't handle any additional stress at the moment. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to be more accomodating of me at the moment than I am of him?

LegacyUser

I am sorry for your loss OP and for the way you feel your BF is not supporting you at this time as you would want.

It seems you've talked openly to him about how you feel and he with you which is a good thing. I dont know how you can sort out this particular aspect of your relationship but, if it is any use, I remember that when I lost someone very close, I was still grieving at the loss when others seemed to have either dealt with it differently or been able to move on better and quicker than me. I sensed an element of: "I've/we've moved on, so you should have by now too." Maybe there is an element of this in your situation and is causing your outbursts. If so, recognising this might help everyone understand a little more and make allowances. In my case looking back, I probably would have benefitted from grief counselling which is something else you might consider.

Losing a loved one is awful for anyone. two weeks is hardly any time at all. I hope you find the strength and support to get through this difficult time.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I do feel that he doesn't understand what I'm going through, and thus my behaviour, which is totally understandable as he's never experienced it himself. He did say that it was almost a relief when my brother finally went, which is true in a way, but while it signals the end of a stressful situation for him, it is only the beginning of a really crap period for me. And I think your right, I get angry at him for not understanding that.

I wrote this post looking for advice as I felt I didn't have any perspective on my behaviour and my BFs - in particular, which one of us was being unreasonable and selfish. I feel I am being a bit of a crazy person, but I can't seem to control it. I spoke to a friend about it last night and she told me I needed to look after myself, and be however I feel like being - within reason obviously , and that he should just take it for the timebeing.

I just feel really diasappointed in him. Maybe I should be disappointed in myself for being so blinkered by my own emotions. I guess it'll work itself oout one way or the other, as to be honest, I don't have the energy for it.

ogriofa

Hi, it's very important that your Boyfriend knows that this is how you feel and that when you are having a go at him, that deep down, its because you're grieving and sad and upset.

I'll try to explain this - I've been leaned on, and I love being there for people, but after a while you loose sight that you are being leaned on.

Might sound obvious, but have you actually told him how you feel?

LegacyUser

Yes, I have told him how I feel and have tried to explain that it's not personal. Maybe I need to tell him every time. He has asked me many times to let him know when I need space

But I guess he sees that he is bearing the burnt of my grief, in that I don't release it (as tears, anger, snappyness etc) with say, my friends or family to the same extent. When my mom died he was my flatmate in college and he was the one person that was completely there for me. The difference was we weren't in a relationship, just really good friends, so the boundaries were different.

I'm worried that if we decide to distance ourselves from each other emotionally it'll damage oour relationship, but if we continue on the way we are it'll damage it as well.

ogriofa

Hi again, just did a quick search. This isn't gonna answer any/many questions, but it's worth a read.

Its not case specific but there could be a few bits in it for you:
: http://www.griefwatch.com/articles/grief_and_marriage.htm

beth-lou

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's very hard to lose a sibling.
Two weeks is not very long, and to be honest you are probably only really starting to grieve now. First comes the shock and then the anger. It sounds as though your boyfriend is trying to be there for you, in so much as he can, but regardless of what he does, you are angry for the loss of your brother and he is getting the brunt of that. In telling you that he is also stressed etc, he might be gently trying to remind you that he is feeling this too. After all it can't be easy to watch someone you love hurt so much.

Of course you are hurt and you have to go through the grieving process, but it might actually be beneficial for you to also think of him a little. It might help you to maybe come out of yourself a little bit and think outside of your grief. This is going to be a very hard time, and it will put pressure on your relationship, but if your boyfriend has never experienced this kind of loss, then it might be hard for him to fully understand it. And even if he did, he can't magic away your pain and he is still human, and he will need a little bit of understanding too.

I really hope you can work through this. The fact that you can talk openly with him is very good. It can be hard for those on the outside looking in too, so try not to get so angry at him. It will take its toll on him eventually, he is only human. Take care of yourself and give it time. It will get better eventually. x

LegacyUser

Thanks ogriofa, that article was really helpful. I might actually print it out and show it to him

This thread has been really helpful in clarifying my thoughts, thank you!

I think I have been reluctant to acknowledge that he is finding it tough going as well because that would in some way lessen my own grief in his eyes by inferring there is some sort of parity between what the two of us are feeling. I guess I have to trust his intelligence a bit more and stop being so defensive. As you said beth-lou, think about him a bit more.