What else can I do?

LegacyUser

This is a long one so please bear with me. I'll start at the end and work my way to the start, hopefully I'll get everything.



"Every step of booking that flight I was terrified. I gave you every
opportunity to stop me, but you didn't. Iḿ leaving tomorrow morning
and we both know that it's not likely that I'll be back.

I just want you to know my heart is broken. I spent our whole
relationship worrying about treating you the wrong way, about doing
the wrong thing for you, but the truth is I couldn't do anything
right. All the stuff that happened has totally ripped me apart because
I love you so much. I've never felt like this about anyone and I don't
think I'll ever feel like it again.

All I wanted was to make you happy. I gave up everything and everyone
and now I have nothing. My dreams for us have been completely
shattered. Everything that I thought would happen was never even a
possiblity because you changed your mind, or maybe you never wanted
the same things I did. All the times I looked for the person that I
met and fell in love with, and looked for myself the way I was back
then, I was only fooling myself because you became so wrapped up in
fighting me and making me miserable.

I'll always love you. I loved you almost from the moment we met.
I gave my whole self to you and you just reeled me in. I must have
made it so easy for you. But this is just too much- I hate myself, I
hate everyone around me and I hate being alone in all of this. If I
leave, maybe I can get myself back somehow. Maybe I can be important
enough to someone else, the way I was never important enough to you.

It's torture, because even now if you walked through that door and fed
me a line I'd take it.

I don't know what I'll do about all of my stuff. I guess Iĺl come and
get it bit by bit when I find somewhere to stay. You can keep the
engagement ring and you can come up with a solution for splitting the
money aswell. The last thing I want is for you or anyone else to think
I was just looking for money.

I just want for you to know and remember how i feel about you and how
this is the last thing I ever wanted. My love for you has just about
killed me but there's nothing that I can do to fix this by myself.
It's over because you didn't have the time to deal with it, and that
says alot about our relationship.

I'll only remember the sound of you driving away, and how you looked
at me the first time you told me you loved me."

I've just written this email to my boyfriend.

We've been living abroad for his work for the past 2 years and it's been hell. I was unemployed when we got here for 6 months and started becoming extremely depressed. When I did find work things got better for a while but the work is menial, badly paid and bad for my self esteem.

Add to that the people that we meet here are expats too and being in the same place as we are, they're difficult to trust and unpredictable.

He's so wrapped up in his job (which he commutes to a different country for half the week, staying over 2/3 nights per week) that he can't/ won't see problems that I/ we are having and can't/ won't do anything about it. He's left this morning, me crying and him swearing I'm his main priority.

Am I doing the right thing?

LegacyUser

how can anybody answer that question only you?

imo you shouldnt leave things by sending an e-mail. wait until he comes home from work this evening - sit him down and explain how desperate you are to get out of the rut that you are in. Maybe even show him the e-mail (if you decide to not send it) he may not realise how badly the move has affected you.

only you truely know your fiance as a whole - maybe his work is stressing him out and he is blind to the serious strain it is having on your rship. open his eyes. maybe if he realises you are actually going to leave him because of it the depth and severity of your unhappiness will be adhered to.

if he truely loves you and wants to make it work, you will come before his job. but compromise always helps.

best of luck

LegacyUser

He is in another country now, away for the week, like every week.

I have told him time and time again about all of this.

He didn't have to go this morning, and we discussed things at length yesterday. He even knows about the suicidal thoughts I have been having on and off for the last few months.

Iǘ been so angry and upset, he knows whats wrong and how to fix it, so why doesn't he? I don't want to use emotions to blackmail him, I want him to just do something.

Xiney

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please visit your GP.

It is not your partner's job to fix you.

ellie1

Sorry to here you are so depressed.

You choose to go and live an another country with your bf. He cant fix your depression. You can choose to make the most of your situation and try to talk to your boyfriend without using emotional blackmail which is exactly what that email looks like.

You could end up alone because you are choosing to blame everything that has gone wrong on him. You need to take respnsibility for your actions.

I dont think that was an appropriate email to send.

Maybe i have misinterpreted your post but what exactly has your fiancee done?

LegacyUser

Itś not a recent thing, and I have been trying to avoid emotional blackmail up to now. I'm not going to try to defend myself in that respect because I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

I thought coming here would put him on track to the career that he really wanted, and I was willing to do anything to make him happy. Since we got here however, he has become sidetracked and a sudden move of his company to another country gave me absolutely no choice. So Iḿ living here and he's essentially living there. Both of us alone in strange countries, both of us becoming more detached from our friends at home and both of us finding it difficult to meet people that we trust.

Iǘe begged him to help me come up with solutions to get us out of all this but he seems obsessed with his job, even though he says I come first. He also says he doesn't want me to leave but I don't see any other way and he's not showing me that he wants me to stay.

I'm so heartbroken I can't even express it. I just want us to be happy together

Walls

I am afraid I don't understand. You are leaving him because the location you live in makes you deeply unhappy, and he hasn't either realised that and left, or he has realised it and still won't leave.

If that is the reason, then...why are you leaving? To provoke a response from him? If you are leaving over employment difficulties, that seems, from this side of the desk, a very small reason to end an engagement with someone you will love for the rest of your life. I actually believe you when you say that, I actually believe that you love him, that you feel you are being slowly tortured by his indifference, that you feel something has to change. But this is going too far. Go home for a break. Hang out with family and friends, take a breather and reorientate yourself. Don't destroy something because you don't like what you hear.

LegacyUser

That's what I'm trying. I just want to be able to work out what to do. I just don't know if he really wants to work things out or if this is his way of getting out of the conversation. I'm afraid because I can barely remember the times that were good and can imagine that he can't either.

If I wanted to use emotions against him I would have left when he was here, not slip out the door of an empty house. I just wanted him to know why I was leaving,

I feel like it's over though, because Iḿ sick of trying and he won't do anythng.

Walls

Okay, when we're tired things seem bigger and more hopeless than they are. Go home. Rest. Remind yourself of the important things in life. This problem is going to be about compromise rather than either of ye getting what you want.

Now, big question for you to answer; do you want him? Do you want to live your life with him? If you do, then do NOT threaten to end it. That will be blackmail and will lower his opinion of you in his eyes. The fact is, you want to be with him until the end of your life, so don't pretend otherwise. You and he are going to decide not who gets what they want, but instead work it out. That means come to some arrangement where you get to stay togther, take care of your hopes and goals, and still be happy. You need to learn to deal with things, and stop asking things be on solely your terms or his.

Oh The Humanity

Unregistered wrote: »

He is in another country now, away for the week, like every week.

I have told him time and time again about all of this.

He didn't have to go this morning, and we discussed things at length yesterday. He even knows about the suicidal thoughts I have been having on and off for the last few months.

I been so angry and upset, he knows whats wrong and how to fix it, so why doesn't he? I don't want to use emotions to blackmail him, I want him to just do something.

OP, if he is not fixing things it does not matter one jot what he says he is not interested. Its what he does not what he says that matters.

He may as well have written in 6 foot neon letters 'I dont care, enough' because that is the message loud and clear.

As you have said he knows what is wrong and how to fix it and he hasn't so stop wasting your time and humiliating yourself writing gut wrenchingly soul baring emails etc

If you are suicidal please get help, you are placing all control and responsibilty for your mental health with him and that is a mistake.

You need to start caretaking yourself, you know in your heart and soul its over and he doesn't care. If you have to threaten suicide and write a mail like the one above....come on OP.....look at it....if you got a mail like that off someone well, what would you think?

You shouldn't have to beg for someones love. If its not given to you freely pick up your dignity and move on. It is long overdue.

Walls

Another thing to think of is that he may not know what to do. Join you back home? It may seem that both of ye would be unemployed, moving even closer to diaster and so not advisable. He can't make you well again by the power of his will, so the only option he may have left to him is to hope things get better by themselves. He seems to have sinned by omission by anything else.

Taltos

Before you leave him please consider going to your GP for treatment for depression.

Making any decisions now while feeling so low may not be the wisest choice.
Both of you also really need to sit down maybe with a counsellor to try to work out what you both want and need from life and from each other.

However - before doing that you really need to knock these low feelings on the head as they will distort everything else you try to do.

Best of luck though - hope it works out for the best for both of you.

Maybe its just me but you seem like one of those attention seeking women who make a drama out of everything. In fact your email sounds like a page from a book. When it does turn out to be a serious issue he wont recognise this as everything is a 'big issue'

I'd say go home, sort yourself out and if its meant to be, it will.

LegacyUser

OP, cringe. Do not send that mail, please. You are embarassing yourself. It is very melodramatic and childish.

I gave up everything and everyone and now I have nothing.

Sorry, to be frank that is no-one elses fault but your own.

Speak to the Samaratins and then maybe go home to your country. If the boyfriend is not interested then you need to leave it alone. You can't guilt someone into a relationship.

LegacyUser

To be honest, considering we were supposed to be getting married "cringe" and embarassment are the last things on my mind. I sent him the email because I want him to understand that I love him but I can't hold the relationship up on my own while he worries about "man" stuff.

I wanted to be honest with him. I´m not being melodramatic, this is how I feel. There are a million and one things that I want to do with my life but at the time he needed the emotional and mental support to further his career and bring him closer to his goals. I didn't mind in the slightest as I knew he would be there for me when the time came. The time is here and he's not.

Whether we like it or not the relationships we have with people play a huge part in our emotions. I'm not blaming him for my depression, but he does have to accept that he was a partially responsible for how quickly and easily I slipped into it again. This is seeing as he was the only person who was there to notice the early warning signs. Feel free to call me anything you like but that's how it is.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I sent him the email because I want him to understand that I love him but I can't hold the relationship up on my own

I think he understands that perfectly. I think you are the one not getting that you can't hold the relationship on your own. It doesn't look like he wants to so there is no relationship, not on these terms anyway. You are refusing to listen to the message he is giving you.

Unregistered wrote: »

I wanted to be honest with him.

He knows about your feelings.
It seems you are looking for some sort of reaction out of him.

Unregistered wrote: »

I´m not being melodramatic, this is how I feel.

I know its difficult to see yourself as maybe he and others do.

Unregistered wrote: »

but at the time he needed the emotional and mental support to further his career and bring him closer to his goals.

He needed that? Or you wanted to feel needed?

Unregistered wrote: »

I didn't mind in the slightest as I knew he would be there for me when the time came. The time is here and he's not.

Yes. So you thought you knew, but unfortunately you were wrong.
You need to slow down and start listening to what is going on and come into reality.

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm not blaming him for my depression

Unregistered wrote: »

but he does have to accept that he was a partially responsible for how quickly and easily I slipped into it again.

Well, condradictory statements there. You are blaming him really but I think you would be better to take charge yourself as he seems indifferent. It doesn't seem in your interest to insist on looking for support from someone who seems unwilling to give it.

Unregistered wrote: »

This is seeing as he was the only person who was there to notice the early warning signs.

There was another person though OP, you.

kayos

OP you say you are depressed and are having suicidal thoughts. Get to your GP please you need help.


I really, really hate to say this but if you have suffered depression before and have sought professional help in the form of therapy (not just the pills that numb the emotions) you would have heard the mantra that every one is solely responsible for their own feelings and emotions. I say something that upsets you. I am responsible for what I say; you are responsible for how you feel about it.

You say you don’t blame him and then say it is partially his fault. That’s still blame. Heck read what you send him in your email

…because you became so wrapped up in
fighting me and making me miserable.

Maybe I am wrong but you do blame him for a lot of things.

I’ve suffered depression, I’ve played the blame game and I’ve seen people in a way they did not deserve to be seen. I’ve hurt people during those times and I’ve made stupid choices. Do you really want this to be your stupid choice? Because if you truly love your partner the way you say you do then you are making a mistake.

You say your partner should have seen the signs; you should have seen the signs and done something about them as soon as you did. Is he a mind reader? Depression can be a real lurker, while you have dark thoughts you might not show them on the outside. How is any one but you know what’s going through your head. What could he have done to stop you slipping back into depression? That is your responsibility you must take responsibility for your own emotional well being. If that was to go to your GP and get anti-depressants or go to therapy or both then that’s what you should have done.

In relation to the living apart for work, be it in the same country or different countries many couples do this. I do it and have done for long periods of time; I have friends that are in the same boat. But there are always options. Why don’t you both move to the country he is now working in? You say you have no friends where you are. You say you hate your job, its crap pay and harm’s your self image. Surely moving to this other country would provide a chance to be together, find a better job and make friends.

You say he worries about his man stuff, maybe that’s working to bring in enough money to support you, pay for the wedding, buy a house, and do what is genetically coded into a mans brain and be the provider. I don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship and his man worries but that would be one example I know is big on my mind a lot of the time.

Look an email is not the way to deal with this, if you really want to save your relationship you need to sit him down and talk face to face. With no distractions, no easy outs.

Walls

So what are you going to do, OP?

LegacyUser

I've booked the flight tomorrow so I´m going to go home tomorrow as planned. He said earlier that he'd come home tonight but I don't want him driving three hours and then getting up tomorrow and doing it again.

Thanks for the advice Kayos and the unregistered poster, think I'll take some of that on board.

I think the best thing for us to do is seek counselling, both as a couple and individually. He swears he wants me and loves me and I don't see why he'd bother if it wasn't the truth. There are other factors at play aswell that would take me too long to explain, needless to say it's been a tough two years for both of us.

I've booked return flights for Friday because I really want to work this out. I know running away is not the answer.

And to anyone who was under another impression, the only people to know are you, me, him and the samaritans. We haven't spoken to anyone else about our problems. That's why I have come here in the first place, because I am not a drama queen and I am not looking for attention. I am looking for a solution and an outlet for an issue.

kayos

Unregistered wrote: »

I've booked the flight tomorrow so I´m going to go home tomorrow as planned. He said earlier that he'd come home tonight but I don't want him driving three hours and then getting up tomorrow and doing it again.

Ah its only a 6hour round trip, I've done this without a dire need of it. Just did it to sneak a few more hours with the Mrs. He would not offer if it was not important to him.

Honestly hope it works out for you OP.

LegacyUser

kayos wrote: »

Ah its only a 6hour round trip, I've done this without a dire need of it. Just did it to sneak a few more hours with the Mrs.

This is what he is lacking I'm afraid.

We both decided it would be best to stay in the same country,( to avoid new bank accounts, tax accounts and language barriers) and he could continue to commute, but move closer to the border so he could easily drive there and back in a day. I'm trying to sort it out (on my own) but it's time consuming and I'm still working full time aswell. He has a relocation team in work but has yet to ask them for advice.

I'm not demanding financially. I work to support myself, have no need for designer labels or pricey holidays and I am not putting pressure on him for a wedding. We have been engaged a year and I have yet to plan a thing. To be honest I think most people go way overboard and would be happier with a registry office do and a night on the piss. In fact all I really want is to save as much as we can towards buying a house and to put towards start up capital for him to eventually become self employed in a nicer country and environment

cltt97

Hi Op, I feel for you, I really do. You're in such an emotional mess, I guess you're driving yourself mad with crazy thoughts in your head. I think what you need is time out. Time for yourself, to return to who you are and to build up strength and self belief and self esteem, I think you have gotten totally lost. And you're not running away, sometimes distance improves vision... Separating for a while doesn't mean it's over, it might just save things and make things clearer. you need to start loving yourself again and then all is possible. All the best!

Walls

Your list of complaints now includes his not taking part in planning a wedding, and even though he is willing to relocate, not relocating quickly enough. This seems to be a small thing to complain about. I feel having read more of your posts that you are in a blue funk and finding everything wrong about him, rather than having any real specific complaints.

Right now, if you can, find three positive things to say about him (to yourself, not for us). Be sure to remind yourself of this. Remember, no one is perfect, especially once we get to know them. Are you sure you want out of this? If you don't, then stop acting like this to your partner. It really isn't the way to go about this.

LegacyUser

I'm not criticising him for not taking part in our wedding. I just said that financially, I'm not asking for anything, he's under no pressure for any reason.

As for the relocation, I'm just trying to convey that I am trying to set us back on track. We decided that we needed to do something to get us out of this rut we're in about six months ago, we agreed on the relocation and I've been looking at houses etc and visiting the place to try and make the move easier this time. All without his help or input.

And you're right. I'm bloody angry with him for lots of stuff. It's really hard when you're in a strange place and you feel totally alone. He's supposed to be trying to sort our problems (ours, not his/ mine) as hard as I am.

Walls

He may have a completely different list when he describes your problems. Honestly, you folks have a relationship in trouble, but it is a relationship. You need to remember that up to a point, no one is right in a relationship. You are going to have to be open to change and to keep trying to communicate to him. Hang in there. Go home and rest, and see how you get on. Good luck.

LegacyUser

I was married to someone who suffered from depression, and it really wasn't a nice place to be. It is emotionally exhausting, and being constantly held to account for how the other person feels is frustrating and draining.

I'm sorry, but your email is reminsent of emails I got in the dying throes of the relationship, when I was railing inside - 'take some responsibility, I cannot take care of you anymore, I am not responsible that you feel this way, stop blaming me'.

We went our separate ways, had he sought help earlier and gained the self awareness Kayos has things may have been dfferent.

LegacyUser

Hi,

OP's other half here, saw this post with the e-mail in it and knew straight away who it was.

I guess I'll add my side of it,

We moved abroad with each other because I had a job opportunity come up which was a hell of a lot better than what I was doing. The job I had in Ireland was, ok, but not fulfilling and I have done my fair share of crap jobs in the past, from bar work to a call center (call center is the worst) . I didn't see it as she was moving because of me, I saw it as a mutual opportunity to get to go abroad and experience another country. After moving here I feel that quality of life is alot better compared to Ireland, although we live in a City which has all the City attributes you would expect (People not very friendly, busy, densely populated) in my eyes a whole lot like Dublin.

I've lived in Dublin for a year in the past, commuting up and down almost every weekend and it was absolute hell, I used to bring a bag full of clothes just to have something to sit on on the way back, I vowed i'd never do that again as I had no life in Dublin (couldn't make friends as it wasn't there on the weekends) and a half-life in Cork, during which i was usually wrecked. Eventually i quit my job in Dublin and ended up unemployed for 2 months. Its a completely different experience to anywhere else in the country caused by the sheer volume of people in the place. My g/f is really negative about the place where we live now but it all seems the same to me, just a city with city attributes. mainly caused by alot of people living there not growing up there and just moving there for work.

After we moved abroad I found out that the company was moving to the neighbouring country about 3 hours drive from where we live. They offered us redundancy (to which i wouldn't be entitled as i was there just under a year) or a Commuter package. I am the only person who has negotiated a 3/2 split, i.e. 2 days either working at home or the old office to close it and 3 days in the new office. So I'm away for only 2 nights. I effectively changed my role at work as my original role would have meant I'd have to be there 5 days a week. Work is paying me an allowance on top of my normal wages which is more than covering accomodation and travelling costs, they're even covering the tax, so if i have to pay more in the second country they'll cover the difference.

My g/f was unemployed for the first 6 months we got here. When we got here first we set up a Joint Bank account into which my wages would go, I didn't want her to feel like she was getting handouts from me and tbh money isn't really all that importants once you have enough of it. We both brought over roughly the same amount of money, which she had saved and I got becuase i hadn't really taken a holiday in 2 years. But it always seemed like the savings she brought were more important because she had saved it and mine was not becuase I just got it paid out from work.

Since shes been working I've suggested we setup seperate bank accounts and use the joint bank account for shared expenses like, rent, shopping etc, based on the percentage we each earn, so say i earn 3 times as much she would only pay 30% and i would pay 70%, this was to try and stop the money arguments, as in i would want to buy something for myself and she would say we couldn't afford it, or we didn't need it, i still need expendable income to spend on things i want but she might necessarily think is a waste.

Basically the joint account with dumping all money into it doesn't work for us as i couldn't save money by not doing something, i.e. not go on a night out and think, right thats 50 yoyos toward that *insert thing here i want* I'm not a big spender either, i do buy electronic stuff (i am a bit of a nerd) but i will always get the cheapest deal possible.

I just want a bit of freedom with the income i generate and not have what i choose to purchase scrutinised, i would point out that i'm not in debt either, except for a 700 euro left on a loan. It would also give her freedom to have some expendable income for things she wants.

I've been doing this commute for a number of months now and while hard, I consider us to be really lucky when I think of the folks back home, losing jobs, having negative equity, not very much expendable income and just generally having a tough time of it. Some of my friends work jobs on opposite hours and have a child, which means they might only get to see each other properly for 1 or 2 days a week, i don't see our scenario as all that bad, hard yes but nowhere near as bad as it could be. In fact the two country scenario doesn't really make much difference when its the same distance as Cork - Dublin.

My g/f has gotten very depressed over the past couple of months, but i don't know how to help when everything is so negative. We normally talk on the phone every day and now since this has become common place she gets upset when I can't call, which is due to work being really busy down here. As a result i think that she sees work being more important than her, which is not true, i just come here to work, but I am trying my best to get out and meet people down here too, which is really hard. I don't believe people need to talk every single day to let the other know they're thinking of them.

We have had fights, mainly the one on Monday which really was bad, I had just gotten out of bed and made a pizza, it was about 12.30, she thought eating a pizza at that time was stupid. She then went about cleaning the apartment and started to get more angry because i didn't start to move and do things. So, i got frustrated and thought it was unfair to impose this when she felt like cleaning. I said I was going to maybe head out to the beach for the day on my own (which was probably the wrong thing as we did agree to clean the place on the sunday but i was just getting more and more annoyed) It got a bit heated and my g/f chucked some papers in my face saying it was all my stuff, so i chucked them back at her and left. Went out for a walk to clear my head, got a haircut and came back. We had a cleaning lady but shes left, I really would prefer to just pay someone to do it as it uses up more precious time i get to spend at home.

When I get home from the second apartment, it feels like i'm maintaining two places, and shopping for a place i'm only in three days a week is a pain in the ass. I eat out most of the time, except the odd night i cook pasta (I'm amazed how much stuff i cook in the oven)

Tuesday I woke up in the morning and (while half asleep asked if she wanted me to stay at home) she said yes. Realising the amount of work i had going on and couldn't really take care of at home it all built up and I ended up going to work, i know this was wrong to offer in the first place, but after the thought cross, crap .. why am i staying at home ? if i keep this up i'll get fired.

I love my g/f bits, she is a great person even with her faults and I am by no means perfect either, i'm a bit arrogant, can be selfish and get irritated easily. I really want to work on our relationship rather than give up on us and i'm not invincible either, we supported each other when we got there, but now the dynamic has changed since i'm away two nights a week (3 days).

Love .. I hope you don't mind me posting this.
sorry if its completely unstructured.

The Recliner

OK I allowed the Other Half reply as I felt it was only fair but I don't want this turning into a public domestic

You guys need to talk and whilst it would be better done in person if you are finding it difficult to do then maybe take it to PM or email

However if a civil talking through of issues happens here we should be fine, people who aren't the OP or the OtherHalf just need to be aware that they don't egg the situation on

Everyone has been helpful so far and I would like to think it will stay that way

Walls

It seems that the various frustrations of the move, joblessness and funding has spilt into negative feeling between the two of you. Put on paper the problems the two of you have seem small, but left to sit over time they become too big.

Two quick questions; When was the last time you guys had a date, or any evening of just sheer fun (movies, what have you)? Secondly, do you actually like each other? Respect, admire, look forward to seeing, that sort of thing?