Falling in Love? For real?

Copper23

Hi all,
This is probably a weird question but how do people fall in love? Like, know that you wanna be with someone from then on and nobody else?

To explain as quickly as possible:
Never good with girls, got first girlfriend when I was about 19/20. Wasn't a good relationship, I thought I loved her and did my best for her always but finally I realised she wasn't good for me as she didn't treat me very well and other areas of my life were suffering. I couldn't take any more of her mental abuse. What followed was over a year or constant abuse from her and people surrounding her to the point all sort of rumours and acusations were flying around about me, people I didn't know would say things to me about it. It was a bad time, couldn't even know where to start.

I did meet another girl eventually when this all ended and I was very warey at first but the more time with her the more I started to really really like her. After a year she cheated and then refused to talk to me again.

But now I see people like here asking "Oh there's this one girl, shoudl I ask her"... I cn't remember last time I was like that. I couldn't possibly imagine putting all my hopes into one girl. The second you do that you become needy and the girl can turn around any second and just walk and where do you end up then? Not good! I never see a girl and just think "Yeah, I'd like to know her, If I did I wouldn't ever want anything else"... you leave urself open to ruin!

I've met some more girls lately since I stopped caring so much about all the lovey dovey stuff I find girls are much more likely to just come and hang with you and stuff and usually more.

But thats just it, its just that. Girls will hook up with guys easily.They seem nice at first then you start to notice things that get on your nerves or that you don't like or that your just not compatible in that way. I don't get it. How do you find someone you just know is right? Even if you feel that way at first your just kidding yourself and it wears off and then by that stage you've stopped seeing friends and are with her a lot and then she'll have enough and your left with nothing while she can go to any pub and pick up a guy in a flash to make herself feel better.


I don't get it. I'd love that feeling but I just don't get it.

CathyMoran

You have to kiss a lot of frogs first, or you could just be lucky...there is more than one right person there for you, its just a matter of finding them. I saw my husband walking past me in college 2 years before we started dating - to say that he was my "type" was an understatement, he is my type but nothing happenened then, a year later he tried to get me to join a college society but again nothing and a year later again we started to go out, both of us thought that the other forgot the first time we met (but we both remembered). For stupid reasons which are beyond me now I was scared of marriage but we eventually did - he is the best thing that has ever happened to me - we work so well as a couple, the same sense of humour though we do like slightly different things, he is my soulmate In terms of knowing, you just do, I had no doubt walking down the isle and I love him more every day. Oh, and no body could hold a candle to him, I love his mind and his body, especially his quirkiness.

mack flyer

good post cathy...i feel the very same about my other half...btw how is your health this weather..i know you had a tough year or two??

BlackandGold

Judging from your other posts [which all pertain to girls/lack of girls etc] you have a real issue about being single. You need to get over this. It's perfectly fine to be single and develop your own interests without being "answerable" to someone else.

Seriously, being on your own is often so much easier than being in a relationship. Relationships are hard work. When you're single, you can do what you want, go where you want, and not have to worry how your actions affect someone else.

It seems to me you need to develop your independence, and realise that you don't NEED a girlfriend. It sounds clichéd, but someone will probably come along when you're not looking and least expect it. Girls are attracted to men that are confident within themselves, and if they see you enjoying an interest you may have, they'll often be more drawn to that. As they say, girls seem to go after the guys they think they can't have!

Don't make it obvious you're interested, but don't blank them either. Learn to be happy on your own. It's really not a big deal. Get a few single mates together and arrange to visit a different town in Ireland every weekend! See what's out there!

Suppose I haven't answered your original question, so I'll have a try: I don't think just one person exists for anyone. It's not possible. You meet someone, who's compatible and how you love for the moment, but there's always a risk one of you may meet someone else. I'm cynical about love [although I'd deem myself to be "in love" at the moment] but nothing lasts forever.

Monkey61

Copper23 wrote: »

Hi all,


But now I see people like here asking "Oh there's this one girl, shoudl I ask her"... I cn't remember last time I was like that. I couldn't possibly imagine putting all my hopes into one girl. The second you do that you become needy and the girl can turn around any second and just walk and where do you end up then? Not good! I never see a girl and just think "Yeah, I'd like to know her, If I did I wouldn't ever want anything else"... you leave urself open to ruin!

I've met some more girls lately since I stopped caring so much about all the lovey dovey stuff I find girls are much more likely to just come and hang with you and stuff and usually more.

But thats just it, its just that. Girls will hook up with guys easily.They seem nice at first then you start to notice things that get on your nerves or that you don't like or that your just not compatible in that way. I don't get it. How do you find someone you just know is right? Even if you feel that way at first your just kidding yourself and it wears off and then by that stage you've stopped seeing friends and are with her a lot and then she'll have enough and your left with nothing while she can go to any pub and pick up a guy in a flash to make herself feel better.

.

I think that it is your attitudes to relationships that need to change if you are ever going to have a healthy one. Liking someone doesn't mean putting all of your hopes into them, or becoming needy - carrying on like that will of course drive anyone away. The same will happen if you stop seeing your friends and spend too much time with your girlfriend.

For a relationship to work, you have to maintain yourself and your own life and interests or you are doomed to failure.

When you like someone, you will know. If you are so unsure that you have to ask, then nobody you are meeting is remotely right for you and you just have to wait until it happens.

Copper23

Ok, I admit from my initial experiences of meeting people I probably have a strange view.

I didn't say I don't WANT to commit to someone... I just mean, I DID do it, I trusted people and every one of them caused considerable problems in my life out of their own spite. What sort of incentive is it to trust people that way again?

Everyone I meet, sure theres something you can always say you'd lke to improve with someone or to change or something. You cant live every single thing about someone. Its just now some things girls do or say send alarm bells ringing that they sound like the crazies from before. Is that mean they're not right for me or does it mean I'm just too picky.

The the first girl who replied. I am really glad you've met such a great guy. He sounds great, I just mean, what if (and I truely hope it never does) but what if tomorrow he walks through the door and says he leaving or he's met someone else or he just doesn't like you anymore. What would you do? Wouldn't you be crushed? Wouldnt it cause severe damage to your life? I think it does when this happens people.

Personally, I know the type of girl I DO like and would love to be with but honestly most girls aren't like that and the ones who are usually consider themselves too good for me so I dunno... I meet girls now, I just don't want anyone doing what others have done in the past. I don't mean to sound childish but there have literally been gardai involved in things girls have done in the past and I can't handle someone doing some of these things again but you never know.

shellyboo

Copper23 wrote: »

The the first girl who replied. I am really glad you've met such a great guy. He sounds great, I just mean, what if (and I truely hope it never does) but what if tomorrow he walks through the door and says he leaving or he's met someone else or he just doesn't like you anymore. What would you do? Wouldn't you be crushed? Wouldnt it cause severe damage to your life? I think it does when this happens people.

I think, based on what you've said here, that you're not giving yourself enough credit, Copper.

Awful things happened to you, right? People hurt you? But you're still living, still dating, getting on with your life. You got through the crap and came out the other side - and if you did it once you can do it again.

That's not to say that you'll HAVE to - you may not ever have to, I certainly hope you don't. But you really need to get yourself to a stage where you can say "I love this woman, but she is not the entirety of my life. If it ended, I would be hurt and crushed but I would get over it. I've done it before and I'll do it again."

Because honestly, answering your questions from my point of view:

Copper23 wrote: »

what if tomorrow he walks through the door and says he leaving or he's met someone else or he just doesn't like you anymore. What would you do?

I'd let him go - why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me?

Copper23 wrote: »

Wouldn't you be crushed?

Yep, I'd be gutted.

Copper23 wrote: »

Wouldnt it cause severe damage to your life?

Hell no. I'd get over it. I know I would, because I'm strong. And so are you, obviously - you managed to do it before.

Copper23

Hmmm, I guess its diffeent for people who can actually get the kind of partner they wish.

I never can get the girl I want, I get whichever on takes notice of me eventually.

shellyboo

Copper23 wrote: »

Hmmm, I guess its diffeent for people who can actually get the kind of partner they wish.

I never can get the girl I want, I get whichever on takes notice of me eventually.

No, Copper, it's not. You're no different to anybody else. You're not at a disadvantage, you're really and truly not. That's all in your head. And until you see that you're not special, you're not different, and the world is not just picking on you, you're not going to get anywhere.

Everyone has problems with dating.
Everyone feels like they can never get the person they want.
Everyone gets rejected by people they fancy.
Everyone settles sometimes.
Everyone gets hurt.
Everyone. Not just you.

I know I sound super harsh but you really need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You've built this up in your head to be this massive, life-encompassing problem when it's not. Relationships are supposed to enhance your life, not define it. It's clear that pursuing a relationship is making you absolutely miserable, so why are you doing this to yourself?

LegacyUser

Confidence is key... but judging from your posts in this forum (just looked through your history) you clearly have none. And I'm not just talking about the contents of your posts, it's the phrasing that gives you away. 'Sorry for this post', 'this post is probably weird' and so on.

I'd be willing to bet that you come across just as timid, confused and indecisive in real life... and nobody is going to find that attractive.

Take a hard look at how you present yourself (and I don't mean in terms of physical appearance). People are generally attracted to decisive, confident, assertive people. Think about how you approach people, what kind of language you use when introducing yourself (for the love of God stop apologising), your body language.... make eye contact. And remember: This isn't life or death! Don't take it so seriously.

It takes practice, and until you have something to feel confident about you're going to have to fake it, but perseverance is key. These are definitely skills you can learn.

Also, get off the internet. Whiling away the hours online does nothing for your self-esteem or social skills. See the posters in the After Hours forum for proof of this!