Friends gone, all alone now

LegacyUser

I am 25 years old. I have no friends. They have all gone their different ways, to Australia, America, Europe. All over the place. Or I have simply lost touch with them...

Now, I am alone. It has been liked this for the last 4 years, since I left college really. I am a very quiet guy and probably have some form of social anxiety. But this has improved quite a bit in the last year I am fairly ok in social situations now (I do blush sometimes but get over it!). Like, I did a language course last year to try to meet more people and I find it easy to talk to strangers now. I never keep in touch though

I have never been intimate with a girl. This drives me insane. All over the place, I see really beautiful girls, but dont think I'll ever be with any of them. When I read threads with people with relationship issues, I think to myself, "they dont know how lucky they are to have these issues". Will I ever be in a relationship?

Ya see, this seems further away than ever now because my social circle that was in place in college had evaporated. People say join clubs, take up a sport. But I have looked for something to do and cant find anything. I am in Dublin and have genuninely searched for clubs to join, anything but there is very little out there.

Is there anybody out there who has been in a similar position to me? If so, How did you get over it?

Thanks.

Firetrap

Where do you live? Not that it's any help to you but when I moved to where I am now, I moved into a house with some other people. I made friends with them and friends with their friends. In some cases, socialising with work mates can be a good way too but that's not the case everywhere.

Apart from that, I don't know. You know yourself that the standard advice that's given here is join a club/take up a new interest/volunteer. Doing that language course was a good start but you need to make an effort to keep in touch with people you meet who you like.

As for girlfriends - try not to get hung up on the fact that you've never been intimate with one. If you do get talking to a woman and she senses you're desperate, she'll be gone in a shot. If you do get to meet a nice woman, she won't mind your inexperience.

Personally, I think you need to work more on your meeting people and becoming more comfortable at it. As you have found yourself, the more you talk to people the easier it becomes. Most people are nice and won't mind a chat. Those who don't - well they're not worth losing sleep over.

OneArt

I'm a quiet sort of person as well but when it comes to the crunch, as much as you don't like it, you've got to go out there and make it happen.

Confidence is something you build up over time. I was quite shy when I was younger and didn't have a lot of friends, but as I grew I realized people weren't anything to be afraid of (unless they had a gun). A little attitude change and being generally nice to everyone (don't be a sucker, just be polite and make conversation) and some people will stick.

Mozart1986

I was just worrying about the same thing, except I'm a little younger. I've just finished college and my best mates are in portugal and Uganda, one working on advanced micro-chips and dating a Braziallian, the other climbing Killimanjaro and walking with gorillas. Meanwhile I sit here, conte,plating a jobless summer. Its maddening.
Plenty of people I don't intend on seeing again.

But you know, life is what you make.

Personally I've only been intimite with one girl. I am glad I don't have that monkey on my back but I know plenty of lads who, once inebriated enough, spilt there guts about that very hang up. And I've said it countless times that it is as if it never happened, an occasional memory from a different time. Don't talk to her and don't want to either.

I just plan on growing vegetables and developing myself as a reliable person, living for the moment, just me and Kris Kristofferson. There is nothing like a good book also. "Notes from Underground" by Dostoyevski. You may or may not find some resonance in that.

The worst thing you could do is start to think you deserve more, if only someone else would help you out, show an interest, fill in the hole for you. That is a recipe for disaster. As far as I can see, as soon as you start forcing it you leave yourself open to be manipulated. It has happened to plenty of people I know, in many different ways, that you wouldn't think had anything in common. That is, except the fact that they all tried to force it and some manipulative person, or group or company, (who may believe everything they say because they've lied successfully to themselves) was there to take advantage, fiscally or emotionallly. It could be a bad business decision or a bad relationship.

One recent occasion is that of my cousin who was conned by some people in London to do a bootcamp to become a PUA, or Pick-up Artist. It is called the game and it helps normally "nice guys" who aren't so successful to be more confident around women, whether it is in order to form relationships or to get laid. If you haven't heard of it you might google it. You might even find it interesting and helpful. "The Game" is the name of a book by Neil Strauss as well. What it really amounts to is law of averages and the fact that women in big cities are themselves pretty lonely. But anyone that spends money on it is a complete mug.

To be honest though, I don't think a smart guy could get anything life enhancing from Game, but I'm open to be convinced otherwise. I suppose.

So what I would say is forget the cliches and and find your own interests. Surfing is great. For that all you need is a board, a swell and a 4mil wetsuit. It is very therapeutic. You could sit there very tranquilly with no perception of time just taking the waves at your own pace.

Or just think of smething you may have always wanted to do since a kid, but that seemed a distant dream, and just do it, even if you have to put the money together over a few months.

Some girls like interesting people, the kind with itchy feet. Some girls like a good cook. My Dad does everything for my mam. He is a stay at home dad really but he always has projects and only ever relaxes when he is out on the Erne on the boat he built. He isn't the adventurous type and some women might think him boring. My uncle calls him "a miserable ol' b******d". But they'd be wrong. He just does his own thing, and takes care of anyone around him that needs a lift. Thats why the lads down the pub love him.

But interested is interesting, as the Dad in American Pie says. Find something you're interested in authentically, thats important. Lose yourself in it and you might bump into someone of the same mindset on the way. But also accept that you may not and that it is your life to enhance.

I've got lost in this post I think. Had no intention of righting a thesis.

I'll just say one last thing. If you have the funds do a cookery class. There'll be plenty of women there. And learn how to salsa dance. There'll be 10 women to every man there also.

Maybe those are the ramblings of a fool. I hope not. Good luck dude

Sonderval

People say join clubs, take up a sport. But I have looked for something to do and cant find anything. I am in Dublin and have genuninely searched for clubs to join, anything but there is very little out there.

I find this incredibly hard to believe, to be frank.

There are plenty of oppertunities in Dublin to join various clubs and meet new folk that way. If your anxious around new people, thats another story - best remedy is to expose yourself to more folk so the anxiety subsides. But saying that there is very little to do in Dublin is just plain lying to yourself.

I find it easy to talk to strangers now. I never keep in touch though

Well, thats a shame - relationships (friendships and the romantic variety) require legwork and effort. If your not going actually make an effort with these people, why should they do the same?

Slow Motion

Unreg4thispost wrote: »

I never keep in touch though.

Well I see a place for you to start! I will call, keep in touch with friends but if they don't respond in kind I will say fcuk them! Not keeping in touch is certainly a way to lose friends. Don't get me wrong OP I went many years between relationships and yes I did think, well they are lucky to even have one, I know I certainly am, but you have to play your part, when you do connect with people you have to maintain that contact, otherwise what do you expect?