Need to choose

LegacyUser

Hi,

I am not sure what I am looking for maybe I am looking for guidance. I am with the hubby 10 years this year. Things were great before we had the kids (2), and I am not blaming the kids as I would kill and die for them... but ...

There were issues for the last 3 years and a lack of intimacy for a long time on his part. There was resentment and anger towards me that stopped him from wanting to be with me or touch me or even hold my hand - anything. This went on for a long time until I eventually told him if we didn't get counselling I was gone.

I only found out through the counselling which has been great being honest, what the issues where and I was shocked that he could harbour such feelings for so long against me. Anyway .... we are 6 months in counselling and things are getting better but I have a question.

Just before we started counselling I met an old flame and we spent a full day talking, and talking and talking and have been texting once or twice a week every since, just asking how each others day was etc. I met him after 6 months yesterday and spent the day with him again and again we talked, talked, talked and it was great. He asked was he a distraction to the counselling that I am seeking with my husband and I answered yes, but a welcome distraction. He asked if he wasn't in the picture (not that to me he is even technically in the picture) would I be feeling the way I am (like wanting to leave my husband) and this is the question that has been keeping me awake. It is playing on my brain like a broken record - over and over and over. Would I want to leave my husband if I hadn't of met an old flame.

If he hadn't of contacted me I would have been happy to potter along with the counselling and the marriage as it really isn't that bad in relation to the horror stories I have been reading - BUT - seeing him twice in 6 months and the feeling of being so alive again makes me doubt what I have with my husband. It isn't even that I want to be with this guy its just such a shock that I can feel this way with a person and not with my husband, and I find this so upsetting. I am trying to suck it up and cop myself on and remember that I married him for good times and bad - but when I sit down and just clear my mind and let my heart tell me how I feel - I don't feel unhappy - I just don't feel happy - like I am going through the motions of being alive but not living. And I cannot remember the last time I felt truly happy with my husband. I mean I am happy, but TRULY happy ?

I have told my friend that I can't stay in contact with him as I am tormented mentally about this and he is clouding my judgment not because I want to be with him, but because I can't think as to whether I am happy enough to stay with my husband, or am I so unhappy I need to leave him and have a better life on my own - and I am not THAT unhappy. I know it will be so hard as I would be a single mom, but is it better to be happy on your own, then be in a mediocre marriage because you are afraid to be on your own. - I don't know why I am writing as I don't know what I want - I just need to vent before I explode.

Can I ask - can I cry now :-( - I am more confused after typing this that when I started. I think this will be an issue that needs to come up in counselling. I did tell my husband that I met my ex the first time 6 months ago - I have never been anything but honest in that sense and I would NEVER be unfaithful - the thoughts of it - Ugh -

Any words of wisdom or guidance - damn, now I am really upset.

Raekwon

Need to choose wrote: »

I did tell my husband that I met my ex the first time 6 months ago - I have never been anything but honest in that sense and I would NEVER be unfaithful - the thoughts of it

How did your husband react to this? Was he upset or did he not really seem to care?? Also if the opportunity arose to be with your old flame would you take it??? It seems to me that you have mentally moved on from your marrage and the only thing that is making you stick around are the kids.

LegacyUser

Hi Raekwon,

The opportunity has already shown itself yesterday with the old flame. He told me how he felt and that he admired the fact that have the strenght of character not to just succumb to the feelings and attraction that is still between us - because there is but I wouldn't.

I received some bad news today twice and in receiving the bad news I think I also got the answer to the questions that have been tormenting me. When I got the bad news my husband wasn't the first person I wanted to speak with - my old flame was - but I didn't speak with him - and when I did speak with my husband, his reaction was not one of sympthy or concern for how I was feeling - it was ah sure - thats life (my mam has cancer but it is localised to one area - so is treatable and one of my closest friends has been diagnosd with HIV) - excuse the pun - that just put the nail in the coffin for me.

Thanks for reading and allowing me to vent - I am going to bed before the sadness drags me too far down that I feel I will never be able to rise from it. :-(