Is sex THAT important?

LegacyUser

Myself and my girlfriend have been going for over 8 years now.

While at the start of the relationship, we were having sex frequently.. but as soon as we both moved out of our parents houses (where we did it "on the sly) and into our own place, our sex lives just to have gotten poorer and poorer.

I learned to live with it.. with, to be quite frank, frequent masturbation. But I've tried to talk to her numerous times about it and she blames it on her sex drive.

I obviously have a very healthy sex drive whereas she clearly is not really all that bothered. I never force her or get too angry at her when I try to initialise intercourse and she just kinda fobs me off.

But we've had sex once in the past 8 months and I'm at breaking point. My mood is terrible most days and we got into an argument last weekend about my mood and I let rip telling her that how sad is it that I know the exact date of the single time we've had sex in the past 8 months but I'm not happy. She said she wants marriage, and I told her I'm not ready for it and I'm not gonna marry her while we're going through these bad times. She said it'd change but it won't... we've been down this road before.

I do love her but I'm just frustrated to the point that I've been contemplating breaking up with my girlfriend of 8 years due to this? I mean what if I start cheating on her. Don't get me wrong, I've never done it and never thought of it. But if things don't change, I can't be held responsible for making stupid decisions like that.

Please assure me I'm not an utter ****. I do sincerally love her but when my mood and day-to-day life is affected with no sign of it being resolved, I really feel something drastic is needed.

Phew.. needed to get that off my chest!

Otis Driftwood

Hi OP.Firstly you are not bad person.Sex is a hugely important part of any relationship.
From personal experience when with a new partner we would have sex 2 or 3 times every single night and more on the weekends but as the rleationship develops and the thrill of a new lover dissiaptes then the frequency drops but to drop to zero in 8 months seems to point to a deeper issue than lack of sex drive.
You have tried talking to her but she says she wants to get married.
Is it possible she is with holding sex as some sort of leverage?
I agree that you couldnt consider marrying her while this is going on.

Its a tough position to be in which thankfully Ive never found myself in(have never had an 8 year relationship though)so I really dont know what to say to you apart from trying to talk to her again and dont leave it until you get some sort of clarity.

Best of luck to you man.

LegacyUser

OP, you're not bad for wondering this but you should maybe talk to your girlfriend again and find out what the actual problem is. Honesty and communication are so important, as important as sex! It could be several things, the pill, monotony, the feeling of why bother after 8 years. I know myself that after 4 years with the same person I honestly didn't feel like sex that often either. If sex is once a month now, it won't change if you's get married.
Good luck with whatever happens

finbarrk

I'm not surprised you aren't intrested in marriage at this stage. She seems unreasonable to me. And I can't see her changing long term anyway. Just one of those women who loose intrest in sex.
Maybe ye aren't suited.

b3t4

Look, you need to sit down with your partner and really tell her what's going on in your head. She isn't a mind reader. Have you been very serious with her about what the lack of sex is doing to your relationship? With no pussy footing around the fact that you're even contemplating finishing your relationship or even worse cheating on her? Have you?

You've got to get serious about this issue for it to be resolved. If you aren't serious about it then how do you expect her to be?

Perhaps, your partner is on a particular pill that is causing her sex drive to have dwindled away.

Perhaps, there is something else that's nawing away at her.

Perhaps, it's the fact that you have been together for 8yrs and you're still not ready for marriage. This might be making her insecure about how you truly feel about her.

This is going to sound daft but sex, or lack of it, is not the issue here. Something else is wrong and if you focus on the lack of sex then I'm afraid you're not going to get no where fast.

How about relationship counselling? www.mrcs.ie

Jack B. Badd

In the words of Dr Phil, sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the "importance scale" if it's a source of frustration in your relationship. If your sex life is unfulfilled, it becomes a gigantic issue. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the "importance scale".

I would question what exactly constitutes a "healthy sex drive" given the individual nature of libidos. However, if the imbalance is causing you issues, would you consider couples counselling?

LegacyUser

Would you believe I was just about to post the exact same thing until I read your post!

I am in the exact same boat as you my friend. Been with my gf for 6 years and am now in my mid 20's. To be honest our sex life was never great at the start but at least there was one. For as long as I can remember it has been a very infrequent. I can slightly remember the last time we had sex (maybe 3-4 months ago) we generally just masturbate together but that only happens maybe once every 6 weeks and guess who has to initiate it..... Moi

I have brought this up on numerous occasions but have never got a real answer to why she is not interested in sex. It has come to the point where I feel guilty when I try to initiate sex because I have been knocked back so many times over the years. Dont get me wrong I love her very much and we get on great but I cant help think maybe we are just really good friends at this stage and it might be time to move on.

Over the past few months any time I see an attractive girl I think maybe I should be with someone like that. I do think my gf is attractive but due to the lack of sexual activity between us I feel less and less attracted to her (if that makes sense).

I now rely on internet porn sites but this is not a healthy sex life.

Has anyone been through the same things and managed to fix them or is there only the one solution, to leave her?

LegacyUser

Sex isn't an easy thing to fix. You'd be amazed how many couples have hardly any sex life. I know one man who went through the counselling process with his wife, got nowhere and decided to leave as he couln't see himself spending the rest of his life in a no sex relationship, kids or no kids. I think he was dead right. Both you guys are still quite young. Consider moving on.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Miss Fluff

Unregistered wrote: »

I let rip telling her that how sad is it that I know the exact date of the single time we've had sex in the past 8 months but I'm not happy. She said she wants marriage, and I told her I'm not ready for it and I'm not gonna marry her while we're going through these bad times. She said it'd change but it won't...

Has she given you an explanation as to how a ring on her finger will suddenly boost her libido?I wouldn't believe her either tbh. As said above, communication is absolutely key here and if unable to sort this out yourselves, then you really should consider couples counselling if you want to stay together. Once in eight months is in no way "normal" whatsoever...normality is defined by a frequency you are both happy with, dependent on being both being happy with frequency, and this CAN mean some element of comprimise. Some couples after years of being together need it every day, some are happy with once a fortnight and so on. While she considers it normal to abstain for 8 months and you clearly don't (and I can't say I blame you!!) then it needs to be resolved once and for all. I wouldn't even consider going down the marriage route until you really and truly sort this out. And by that I don't mean her having sex with you under duress until she walks up the aisle - it will only go back to the way it is now if you don't resolve this on a deeper level my friend.

tolteq

eh can you try and jizz it up for her by being romantic.

SarahSassy

I would guess that she has an issue with the fact that you have not proposed up to now and she resents you for this. The resentment is manifesting itself with her lack of interest in being intimate with you. There is evidently an issue with communication and I would not recommend marriage until the lines of communcation had much improved...

This is kind of a no win situation. You wont marry her on the basis of your sex life as it is and she wont feel closer to you cos you wont marry her... The bottom line is she resents you for upsetting her...

Salome

I'm not sure if I agree with SarahSassy on this one - I think the lack of an engagement has little to do with it. If her lack of libido has been an issue more or less from the start, this won't be resolved with a diamond. I do believe that you need to rethink whether you want to continue or not. Lack of sex is not something you can resolve - I don't think she's withholding it as punishment for you not proposing, her libido is just a helluva lot lower than yours and in the long term, you won't be happy and you WILL be resentful of this. Do you want to live that way?

SarahSassy

I know what you mean Salome but it stopped once they moved in together.. I guess she wanted a diamond along with the rentbook.

dudara

You can't get married if things are like this. There's no two ways around it, and she needs to wake up to that.

LegacyUser

Hi I am the second poster with the same problem and unlike the first poster I am engaged and sex is still every now and again (now and again being once every 3months or so).

So I dont think it is resentment for not putting a ring on her finger. I wish it was at least then I would have an explanation.

SarahSassy

Why did you get engaged to her if it was like that? The point I was trying to make was that sometimes when women go off sex its cos they have an issue with the guy or resentment towards him. In any event, it shows a serious issue with compatibility and communication..

If you cant talk about sex you should not be getting married.

LegacyUser

loads of couples have this issue but somehow you get along well, then move in together..the sex life disipates..but now you have shared stuff...friends,,outings, and a mortgage. Once the ring comes..then you get so wrapped up in the idea of getting married that it totally takes over. To the point where you can't pull out.(pardon the pun). Theres too much to lose..face,money,deposits!!,explanations to aunty ann,honesty.
If only people would listen to their gut-I didn't. If the feelings aren't strong enough- no matter how tired/stressed/unemployed/fat(insert your own excuse), then a band of gold won't fix it.
op- your patience is commendable but not sustainable- when/if you get married this problem will still be there. And then it gets really serious. Some even think a child will fix it-so sex has a purpose...for a while...then the problems resurface..but with the added responsibility of a small person.
Walk away for both your sakes.

prinz

SarahSassy wrote: »

Why did you get engaged to her if it was like that? The point I was trying to make was that sometimes when women go off sex its cos they have an issue with the guy or resentment towards him. In any event, it shows a serious issue with compatibility and communication..

If I wasn't getting the commitment from an OH I thought I deserved I wouldn't be in a rush to jump in the sack either. Could it be she has an eye on her bioclock, and is looking for marriage and kids? Sounds to me like the OP isn't exactly the kind to be thinking and planning longterm like his gf is (imo anyway).Plus if she doesn't feel like it, perhaps she just doesn't feel like it, it isn't automatically a manipulative punishment against the OP.

SarahSassy wrote: »

If you cant talk about sex you should not be getting married.

True that.

SarahSassy

prinz wrote: »

Plus if she doesn't feel like it, perhaps she just doesn't feel like it.

Well 8 months is a long time not to feel like it to be honest... In saying that I agree with you and myself of course

prinz

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well 8 months is a long time not to feel like it to be honest... In saying that I agree with you and myself of course

8 years is a long time if she wants to make things 'official'. They had normal relations in the beginning so I'm going to throw one out there and say when the two moved in together she felt like the marriage and kids were on the cards...... but the years are passing by. tbh I would say she is having doubts about staying in the relationship at all.

AngryBadger

You need sex, your gf can't keep up with you. Solution; get rid of her, I guarantee you she wouldn't waste a second feeling sorry for you, so if you're not exually satisfied by your woman then ditch her. And hope she gets the message...

LegacyUser

Please don't fall for the idea that if you get married sex will automatically return. Before I got married we were at it on a regular basis. Soon after we got married we stopped sharing a bedroom due to my snoring (which never seemed a problem before) and our sex life got so infrequent to the extent that I can't remember when we last did it (could be over 2 years now).
Despite the odd row we get on fine but we're more like housemates (except we're married!). I obviously raised the lack of sex issue at one stage but didn't get a real answer except that its probably because we don't share a bedroom (as if thats a prequesite for sex?). Male pride eventually made me give up asking.
Anyway just to repeat don't buy into the notion its your lack of committment thats accounting for your lack of sex.

LegacyUser

If the sex is gone then she has issues with you and unfortunately as the expression goes 'an elephant never forgets', therefore whatever issues she has now she will always have. Counselling or therapy will just help you identify those issues and result in you running around like a celibate blue assed fly trying to 'make it up to her' for whatever wrong you may have done.
My advice is get out before it becomes complicated and legal. As it stands you don't have to support her if you decide to leave, you're not married. Using sex as a weapon to get back at your partner is a relationship destroyer, something is going on in her head and it aint thoughts of romance with you. Ring on finger will not change it, you'll end up trapped and recall the day you posted here and regret not taking the advice to jump ship while you can........THIS IS DIRECTED TO BOTH POSTERS WITH THE PROBLEM